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Original poster

Step parents and maintenance

430 replies

Anon197 · 01/06/2018 15:58

Just a quick one...

My DH recently lost his job and is struggling to find work. My income is the only income (no support benefits wise).

We have two very young children together and he has a child with his ex.

They share custody and when my step child is at ours I pay for everything.

His ex has thrown a wobbler because I won’t pay a proportion of my wage to her.

What would you do?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
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MrsFassy · 02/06/2018 16:01

Again Swing you really need to read things properly, the OP has said they've offered to switch temporarily so the EW would have her daughter every weekend- which would give her more quality time with her daughter not less.

takeittakeit · 02/06/2018 16:09

No one is asking you to bow down - we are asking you to realise that the EX has every right to be pissed off.

Your DH is the arse not you.

Why should she work harder whilst he does less, - how old is this child?

swingofthings · 02/06/2018 16:17

The rules haven't changed under Universal Credit. If you've paid enough NI for 2 years as stated, you put a claim for what is called 'new style JSA' even in a Universal Credit area. He can claim for 182 days regardless of partner's earnings, savings etc...

Pleasebeafleabite · 02/06/2018 16:18

I understand your JSA point OP

How long has he been off? Because if there's no benefits to be had at all I'd be looking hard for a new position

Unless of course I wanted to sit back and save £2,166 per month on childcare costs, plus savings of £100+ in maintenance and all the other extras I was previously paying for my first child

Whilst letting the mothers of my children both work full time/ full time plus

Hardly worth working at all is it

Original poster
Anon197 · 02/06/2018 16:23

Why are you all assuming that he isn’t looking for work?

Pretty sure I’ve said a million times he is looking for work

OP posts:
funinthesun18 · 02/06/2018 16:24

Why should she work harder whilst he does less, - how old is this child?

The op is working harder because she has to to avoid them being in hardship. Surely the same applies to his ex if she wants to avoid being in hardship herself? The reality is that in the here and now he isn't in a job. Soon he will be hopefully, so his ex should do all she can to make things a bit more comfortable for herself instead of demanding money from the op.

Pleasebeafleabite · 02/06/2018 16:25

How long has he been off OP?

Moussemoose · 02/06/2018 16:29

How is looking after 2 children under school age 'working less'. There are a lot really sexist assumptions on this thread.

If a woman was a SAHP and people implied she was lazy, posters would quite rightly be outraged. OPs partner looks after 2 children full time, but he is a lazy wastrel because he does not earn cash - check your prejudices.

Original poster
Anon197 · 02/06/2018 16:30

Why does that hold any relevance? He is currently out of work, he is looking for a job that fits around his family commitments. It’s short term as I’ve previously said.

OP posts:
Bluesmartiesarebest · 02/06/2018 16:31

I can understand why so many of you are divorced after reading the responses to the Op!

Anon, don’t pay anything more to the batshit ex. She doesn’t sound very bright if she thinks that being abusive or threatening you is going to make you feel more inclined to give her money. Could you block her number until DH is back in work to avoid the abuse?

woodywoo2 · 02/06/2018 16:36

I would not pay his ex.

You pay the 50% of time the child is with you and the ex pays the other 50% of the time that the child is in her care.

Sometimes people find themselves out of work for periods of time, thats life! There is no point in him taking a job that wouldn't exceed the cost of childcare. It makes no sense at all!

Tbh some posters on here sound like bitter ex wives and it's clouding their judgement of this particular situation.

funinthesun18 · 02/06/2018 16:40

woodywoo I think people have suggested he gets any job just purely to pay maintenance for the time being until he finds something bigger. That would mean that he is providing for 1 child and not 3.

Original poster
Anon197 · 02/06/2018 16:42

I get the impression people would rather I quit my job so he could have a job and pay for 3 children because he has penis and should pay for the household.

OP posts:
helloBuddy · 02/06/2018 16:45

You'll only get grief on here for a thread like this. I think you're right not to pay for the time being and when he's back in work then pay a little extra to cover the missed payments. Things happen that's life. The ex should cut back like everyone has to when times are hard.

Pleasebeafleabite · 02/06/2018 16:46

I've asked you 5 times now OP

You're not answering because he is not going back to work anytime soon is he

Why would he? He would have to earn £35k a year to replace the saving made in nursery fees, maintenance and costs he was previously paying for his oldest child

Which would be fine provided you did not mind working additional hours and - crucially - he did not have child number one to support

This thread is indeed one big polished turd and is in fact another maintenance avoiding thread just from another perspective

Nothing to do with his equipment

myanxietyisthroughtheroof · 02/06/2018 16:46

😂 this has to be a wind up...

Who's parenting these kids for the last however long the thread has run?!

ohreallyohreallyoh · 02/06/2018 16:49

Oh dear, OP. You really are scraping the bottom of the barrel now.

Original poster
Anon197 · 02/06/2018 16:54

That's what you're saying a man had a kid so he should work any job even if it means sacrificing his family to pay for the kid.

When a woman has a kid she should rely on the male to pay his way.

OP posts:
Bubbles121 · 02/06/2018 17:00

@ohreallyohreallyoh just to clarify, you think OP should be more considerate to the impact on the ex and how this has affected her life, even though the ex is behaving in the exact opposite way and abusing her? Is that what you would do? Already under strain from this situation of existing to work and seeing less of your family, faced with a husband out of work and going through an unfair dismissal claim and all the stress that brings, two children under school age, and you would find it in yourself to be sympathetic to a woman demanding you work even more to support her child when her child is in her care (not your child) even when this woman is throwing abuse at you? Are you usually such a doormat or just when there's a SM involved? Does being the SM excuse her abuse and mean OP should accept it because she made the mistake to have children, that she is supporting financially?

Also, it is astounding how many posters here are outright calling OP a liar because her story doesn't fit with their narrative. I simply cannot understand this position of expecting the OP to work overtime to pay her DH's ex wife when her own children are going without.

Bubbles121 · 02/06/2018 17:04

Can I also point out that the fact OPs DH only pays £100 really goes to support her comments about how often he has DSD. The more he has her the more CSA deduct from his payment so all the doubters saying it's a lie that they have her so much of the time......

woodywoo2 · 02/06/2018 17:09

@Pleasebeafleabite how do you know he doesn't earn a lot more than £35k in his profession and it would actually be worth going back to work??

SingleDingle · 02/06/2018 17:11

How much was he earning in his last job, that he has to match now?

SingleDingle · 02/06/2018 17:15

@woodywoo2 if he was earning more 35k, why has he only be paying £100 a month?

ohreallyohreallyoh · 02/06/2018 17:21

Do I think the ex in this situation is right? No. I do, however, believe that she is probably frustrated and angry and in the absence of previous problems of this nature (OP has not suggested this is an ongoing issue),she will settle down and deal with it. She’ll have to. So cut her some slack and see what happens. There is such a thing as not fighting fire with fire and rising above the provocation. Moral high ground and all that.

The OP has shown zero empathy and expects everything to go her way. She too is stressed, I get that. She wanted to rant, which I also get. But her tone, choice of language, and overall attitude is very, very lacking. She still hasn’t said how working full time isn’t supporting her child, for example.

We are all fighting our own battles, many of them deeply private. The OP has insisted that she knows all the finer detail of the ex’s life and work situation when that can’t possibly be the case. There are literally thousands of reasons why working more might not be possible but the OP has dismissed them all, insisting the ex is just lazy or uncooperative.

Pleasebeafleabite · 02/06/2018 17:26

woody if he was earning a lot more than £35k in his profession then why has he not carried on paying his £100 for the "short term" while he finds a job that pays £35k plus

It's not a big amount in the context of a higher earner

I personally would keep up my commitments, not seek to provide a "solution" of full time residency, which would at best be unsettling for a child in a ""short term" situation

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