My adult DSDs ignore me but contact DH for the smallest thing

[EndofSummer]

I can’t work out whether I am being unreasonably annoyed by my DSDs? Any perspectives welcome.

Married 10 years, we have one young child between us. DH has two older daughters from previous marriage, 20 and 23 years, both living at their Mums. One at Uni, one not working at all.

They are both pretty indifferent to me and our child. No incident or reason, except that I feel invisible. DH enjoys a good relationship with them which I support. He has a lot of evenings and days where I’ll look after our child so he can take them out to nice places. They refuse to come to the house or spend time with me. That’s sad but I understand it’s not easy, so I let it be.

The thing that bugs me is that they contact DH for the smallest things a lot. We will just be sat down for dinner and one will call because she hasn’t got a form for Uni. And if she doesn’t get a reply straight away she’ll keep texting.

Yesterday the other one messaged DH at 1am to say that there were ants in their house! DH actually answered and we got into an argument. I said that this was their Mums house and it was up to her and then to sort it out, and also he shouldn’t reply at 1am we were in bed!

I find it very intrusive. I’ve talked to DH but he has guilt and princess daughter syndrome. What can I do? I find I’m getting jumpy every time the phone beeps.

Well said QueenofIce.

Swing is not a stepparent yet spends a lot of time on the step board sharing her views.

She veers wildly from giving sensible advice to laying into posters who seem to remind her of the stepmother she didn’t like or get on with. Her husband has very little relationship with her children and she seems baffled by any stepparent who is closer to their SDC.

But when not channelling complicated feelings, she can be helpful.

I went through years of it and then flipped. My sd is a teenager but has made it quite clear she wants nothing to do with me or our two young children. I couldn't take it anymore and due to her stubbornness she now doesn't visit and has sporadic days out with just him. It's a shame but I got fed up of us all being treated like sh**. And the ridiculous demands made. Ie, no guests on her weekend here cause she didn't know them, or my favourite, she and kids must move out every weekend sd visited. So yeah I lost the plot and life is now much simpler.

Women blaming other women - well if the other women won’t speak or have contact with you you can’t build bridges - the SDs are adult women not kiddies that need an adult parent to speak on their behalf.

Endof Swing is very good at reading into ops and coming up with damning conclusions. She's on a lot of step parent threads and from what I've seen never supports the sp just the parent.

Sorry but I can't let this one go. What I'm reading is what Endof has posted herself. First post said 'Yesterday the other one messaged DH at 1am to say that there were ants in their house!'

Then yesterday it was 'And no me and DH were not awake at 1am, the call woke us both up'

I have no issue with people not liking what I post, that's fair enough, but to say that I read things that are not there when it is clear that EndOf did write something different later, that's not on.

And if you've never read a post when I've been supportive, you are wrong. As a matter of fact, if you read my first post on this thread, I do say that EndOf OH is the one with the issue not her and did say later that I didn't think it was on that he would not go on holiday with her and DS, and also said that I also found the ant business ridiculous.

This place is almost always about feeling massively sorry for posters and reassuring them that are 100% in the right. My approach is to offer different perspectives, the same as I do in real life because I personally believe that it is very rare that in a conflict, one is 100% right and the other totally wrong, and that includes my own relationships. Take it of leave it, but it's not in any way done for the purpose of accusing or criticizing and some people do appreciate it. I personally don't think it helps anyone to reassure anyone t hat they are right and that therefore everyone around them should change their to suit them because I think that inevitably ends up in even more conflict. I find it very sad that so many threads here start with a problem that is not normal part of life difficulties and yet so often end up with 'He doesn't deserve me, I'm going to leave him'.

One SM recently did thank me as it helped her discuss things with her OH and by talking, they ended up sorting out the issue. I much rather read posters saying that a poster (anyone) has helped them sort things out with the person they share their lives with than with them deciding to end the relationship. Yet the majority here seem to find some sort of satisfaction to hear of yet another break-up and yet more children caught in the middle.

It's clear you think I'm a horrible person EndOf, but I still wish you and your OH can work things out by both talking and listening to each other.

@soso that does sound similar. I challenge anyone to be so consistently ignored or excluded by a close in law or step and not be hurt by it! Sorry for your situation. Can I ask did your DH change or did you just have to put your foot down?

Yes I’ve not been asked directly but it’s been made quite clear by DSDs that me and DS in the house is the reason they don’t visit. My DH seems to be looking forward to me and DSs holiday as a chance to get his DSDs round.

Swing I do not think you are horrible! But I feel that your posts diminish my feelings as not important and the DSDs as doing absolutely nothing wrong. Whilst I agree DH has enabled them, and if we were a team we could weather it, I will not ever say that it’s okay behavior to exclude your Dads wife and half brother and monopolize his time as if we don’t exist. And to be clear they messaged at 1am then called because DH did not get back to them straight away, they always do this. In the past they would also call me to ask why DH isn’t answering.

@EndofSummer - I know I keep banging on about the holiday, but has Dh declined to go, or have you uninvited him?

I think if he went with you it would be a good chance for you two to get back on the same page (and for him to spend some time with DS).

"My DH seems to be looking forward to me and DSs holiday as a chance to get his DSDs round."

What? Is he not coming with you??
He actually sounds so uncaring you can do so much better!!

My DH seems to be looking forward to me and DSs holiday as a chance to get his DSDs round

I’m gobsmacked by this.
He should be telling you that he will come with you not gleefully rubbing his hands together that his daughters can now come over as the ‘problems’ have disappeared on holiday for x amount of time!

"This place is almost always about feeling massively sorry for posters and reassuring them"

Its because as a stepmother I completely understand her feelings I read what she has read and I get it, I dont pick out one or two sentences she has said and go on about it.
I read that her kid is being treated like he isnt as worthy hes a CHILD not like them who are ADULTS. Their feelings do not trump their brothers because they were born first and even more so because they are adults who should recognise that he is a child and treat him appropriately. I would be ashamed of my kids if they made a half sibling feel like this.
Her dh is not worthy of op and her son and I do think she can do better, he treats them both like an after thought and its not on.

PrettyLovely

I completely agree, the OP and her son Could do so much better

I put my foot down, and as bad as it sound I had to put this family first. She was toxic. The door is always open for her but she does have to apologise first and show an effort. When the false accusations started he really saw the light and that he had to protect us as well.

No I was not the other woman. No I don't hate her but I do have to protect my children.

Gobsmacked by the holiday thinking. I would say this in one syllable words to him - ‘you realise that I feel you are looking forward to me and ds going on holidays so that your daughters will come over to our house as they are so set on avoiding ds & I? I’m your wife, he’s your son. You should want to come on holuday with us. This attitude makes me love you less and frankly I’m worried by how much less it’s getting, I can’t let my son and I be bottom priority in my marriage and call myself a good parent.

@charley I booked the holiday for a time that DH could make, and said it would be good for us as a family if he came however I know he gets fretful about his DSDs so even if he wasn’t going. We would. I should have insisted and not given him an opt out.

@time I need to do this. I will put it to him, it’s kind of last chance for us we can’t survive anymore as we are.

@sosovery I’m glad it got better. So the DSD pushed it so far it made your DP realize. Protecting our own children is right.

@oreo and pretty thank you for your comments. It’s painful to realize how low we now seem to be in DHs priorities, I honestly wish it were only me being irrationally annoyed. No one wants their marriage to break up.

Jeeez. If my 23 year old child called me about ants at 1am I'd be pissed off.
At 23 I was living in my own with small child, wouldn't have dreamt of calling either of my parents at 1am about ants! Of course that's ridiculous.
This is not the fault of the daughters though.. a parents job is to prepare their children for their adult life, not molly coddling them and treating them like they are still children at 23 years of age.

Swing I do not think you are horrible! But I feel that your posts diminish my feelings as not important and the DSDs as doing absolutely nothing wrong.
No intention to diminish your feelings at all. If I was in your shoes, I wouldn't be happy at all. What I was trying to convey though and I though I had written it quite a few times is that the issue is about your marriage, not your SDs, because exactly the same thing could happen with his mum, his friends, his hobby etc.... The issue is why he doesn't want to spend more time with you and your DS, not why he is so keen to give his DDs so much attention. To me, your post was not much different to the posts we read on relationship when posters complain that their OH spend all their time in the garage on their bike and would rather go on a biking trip with strangers than with them and children. The problem is never the bike itself though.

I said in my first post that it seemed to be that he is craving attention and feeling needed and his DDs are giving him that. Why, no poster here can know, and maybe you don't know yourself. That's why I have said that you need to focus on your marriage and talk to him.

"The bike" isnt a living person though, two infact living people who are adults who ignore the fact their little brother exists as well as op because they think the world revolves around them.
The adult children have their part to play in this too although I do think the fact the husband is treating op very badly EVERYONE has their part to play.
You have again diminished the ops feelings comparing the dsds to a "bike" who hasnt done anything wrong.
You just do the same thing over and over again in what you write.
Your comparisons are never useful always leaving out the whole facts in the situation, its all these facts collectively put together that are the problem, because unless the husband puts his foot down and says to his ADULT children, You are upsetting your brother who is a CHILD you need to accept he is my son too just as much as you are my children things will not change.

These situations are what make me never want to date anyone who already has kids. Blending a family is too much stress. First families and second families are too much stress.

I really wish that those who aren't step parents would fuck off from this board

I think step-children/children of blended families have important things to add to the board. An alternative perspective.

Op DSs holiday as a chance to get his DSDs round.

I'm very sorry but your husband is an asshole.
No way would I agree to this..he will invite them and they will actually come when you are gone? How disrespectful...It's your house too, you can and should put your foot down..you marriageis breaking down so you have nothing to lose but self respect to regain.

I would also tell him straight OP..that he is breaking up your marriage..I hope you are financially independent of him and will not lose out on a divorce. He will have to provide for his DS and his DDs are no longer classed dependands so the maximum amount.

Really sorry you are going through this.

We went to hell and back with my SD and she tried a lot of the things your SDs are doing and much more..she was younger though..she is 18 now and living independently- financially supported by us only as went nc with her mother..we will always help her but she is REQUIRED to be polite and resprespectful..DH wouldn't allow anything else and she knows it..I'm pleased to say our relationship is good now and hers with her young DB is excellent..for perspective we holiday as a 4, as a 3 with DS only and as a 2 just us. SD gets plenty with her friends and boyfriend but enjoys time together too, I encourage days out with just her&her dad too but they seem to prefer all of us together..she is also very helpful when we leave just as a couple, DS stays with a grandparent but SD stays over too and helps out..it's good..but she ignored him for the first 2 years of his life..

My DH seems to be looking forward to me and DSs holiday as a chance to get his DSDs round.

Did he say this or is that your perception from his actions?

I do find that quite upsetting if that's his thinking and a clear sign that the situation isn't going to change.

If it were me, I'd be sitting him down and telling him this can't carry on. That you engage in marriage counselling to address the issue... and if you don't see any changes I.e. him comimg on a family holiday....him not halting your plans because of SDs...him jumping to respond to trivial stuff and ruining your meals out...then my next step would be separation and divorce.

I would be very serious about it as well. He may not be able to force them to speak to you (a dad with a backbone would have ensured you and DS weren't ignored though), but it's absolutely within his power to do the things above.

You deserve a relationship where your feelings mean more and where he has your back.

If your H wants to be single and seeing hisv3 children separately, then so be it.

I talk to my mum and Dad a lot even as a adult

I think yourDH needs to involve you & son with children though. That's their brother & I think I would want to be included.
Can't you suggest at least once or twice a month is to be a whole family activity? They still need some daddy daughter time

As this has built up over time there are niggles and hurts that seem petty if viewed individually but overall are dispiriting and frustrating so could you get some headspace away from the situation. To try to think through rationally what suits you best. Some counselling to get your priorities would help.
You can’t influence the ex or DSDs. DH seems unable to empathise with hour situation. Do you have an interesting job you can devote more time to, the situation seems to dominate your life, you could leave , perhaps find someone you can be happy with.

Counseling sounds like a good option. I should be more insistent with DH as I think now I come across as annoyed and sick of it all. Partly because when I’ve tried in the past nothing has worked.

DH has at times stood up for us, but as I said the last time he asked oldest DSD to not ignore DS when they were round, and it blew up into an argument and that it when DSDs stopped coming round at all (a couple of years ago). So DH basically felt terrible, thought he’d really upset them, and has been way more indulgent ever since. It’s like emotional blackmail but DH needs to see that it was okay to ask for DS not to be ignored. His Ex gave him grief about that too.

I found out he was already planning stuff for his DSDs while we were on holiday as he’d booked an adventure day out. So now he’s definitely not coming with us. Beyond cross now. Probably a good time for another serious chat.