My adult DSDs ignore me but contact DH for the smallest thing

[EndofSummer]

I can’t work out whether I am being unreasonably annoyed by my DSDs? Any perspectives welcome.

Married 10 years, we have one young child between us. DH has two older daughters from previous marriage, 20 and 23 years, both living at their Mums. One at Uni, one not working at all.

They are both pretty indifferent to me and our child. No incident or reason, except that I feel invisible. DH enjoys a good relationship with them which I support. He has a lot of evenings and days where I’ll look after our child so he can take them out to nice places. They refuse to come to the house or spend time with me. That’s sad but I understand it’s not easy, so I let it be.

The thing that bugs me is that they contact DH for the smallest things a lot. We will just be sat down for dinner and one will call because she hasn’t got a form for Uni. And if she doesn’t get a reply straight away she’ll keep texting.

Yesterday the other one messaged DH at 1am to say that there were ants in their house! DH actually answered and we got into an argument. I said that this was their Mums house and it was up to her and then to sort it out, and also he shouldn’t reply at 1am we were in bed!

I find it very intrusive. I’ve talked to DH but he has guilt and princess daughter syndrome. What can I do? I find I’m getting jumpy every time the phone beeps.

Apologies for the bad grammar. iPhones...

You need to sit down and talk now. This is not okay on any level. He needs to understand he made a commitment to you and your son as much as he made a commitment to his daughters. There are no firsts and seconds, everyone is equal.

Are you serious about potentially leaving if he doesn't get a grip? because I certainly would be! I would say it's make or break time and spell out what needs to be done to treat everyone equally or you are done. It won't get any better unless he starts to understand consequences. This is absolutely nothing to do with his ex wife he does not need to communicate with her at all. His daughters are old enough to talk to him directly.

Tell him today. Don't let this simmer on.

found out he was already planning stuff for his DSDs while we were on holiday as he’d booked an adventure day out. So now he’s definitely not coming with us.

I'm angry on your behalf. He is taking a piss. What are his good qualities?

Adventure day out with a 23year old while his young DS is left to it?
I don't think he cares about you at all..Does he want a divorce but has no balls to say it so is trying to make you leave him?

I agree totally taking the piss, His behaviour is shocking

One of the problems is that so far he hasn't felt any consequences for the way he treats you and DS, by dropping you when his DDs call.

If he realised his marriage was at risk...he may rethink his position.

Because I can't see many other women putting up with this behaviour. I wouldn't even date a guy who jumped when his DDs called, much less live with or marry one.

I'd probably begin to emotionally check out of the marriage, because I'd struggle to be attracted to his weakness and get my plans in motion to move on.

That would be necessary for my emotional well-being, as his actions are soul destroying.

He could cancel the adventure day out. It sounds like he’s cancelled plenty of stuff on you , so it wouldn’t be an unreasonable ask at all. I think at this point I’d tell him if he couldn’t make the holiday and be present for you and ds on it id probably have to ask him to leave for a few days while you were away, as your best chance of getting him to be a good father is clearly if he is separated.

Acceptance. Accept that these children do not want a relationship with you. It is harsh but true.

Your dh has these children and is invested in them as they are him.

Focus on other things.

Your dh is a coward of a man for allowing them to treat their brother with contempt.

I’m assuming you have offered that he goes along in visits without you etc?

I agree he could cancel the day out.
Personally I don't think this should be at separation stage if you're happy with him generally. That would seem like cutting your nose off to spite your face, just like allowing him to think you're kind of ok with him not coming on holiday is, and maybe he gets that impression (sorry, bad grammar).

One of the many things that stands out, is him being okay with not having a family holiday with you and DS. His DDs him on holiday with their mum/on their own.

Why would he think this is okay. Children look up to their parents and as your DS gets older he'll come to see what a spineless man his dad is.

No offence OP, but I'd be wanting my DS to have better male role models in his life. A weak man is very unattractive and hard to have any respect for.

I wonder how he'd fit DS in if you split up. He'd probably make arrangements with you and drop DS once his DDs call him.

Sad thing is once they have their own families, they'll drop their dad and have little time for him.

Are there any other family members aware of this? Like grandparents, DHs siblings? Do they have a relationship with you and DS?

Does your H have any friends at all?

He’s never had a family holiday with DS and he’s not bothered. I do think there’s a certain amount of DH feeling like he’s nothing left for us. It’s like he’s invested in his first family which then went into guilt overdrive when they divorced, and then again when they refused to come around. He says he feels very guilty and bereft that his DSDs do not live with him or stay anymore. The less they engage with us the more DH chases them and does anything they want.

I think he feels that because we live with him, we get the best of him. But we don’t. He works late all week and sees his DSDs most days. A year ago we went through a rough patch and talked of splitting up. I was shocked that he wanted far less access to DS than he had with DSDs and told him that was pretty rough for DS. He said it was completely different. This is rubbish isn’t it, oh dear. The more I think about it the more of a mug I feel. Maybe DH isn’t really so committed second time around. He’s not making the effort and I’m tired of saying things like ‘but I don’t want to shorten our day out just to pick up DSD’ etc. Its just so regular and therefore draining.

I’ve started to talk to my own family, who have met DSDs in the past too and they totally get it. The DSDs were really rude to my family and DH wasn’t even aware of it, he kept saying how wonderful they were for even seeing them. DHs siblings find DSDs very uncommunicative, and don’t see them, however when I tried to talk with them they started to say how awful it was for DH that they didn’t come round and that it must be hard for them with me and DS there! Thanks a bunch. DSDs never visit any of their family on DHs side, including their grandmother who lives 5 mins walk away.

DH does not have many friends at all. He will go out to work quizzes and outings, and to events and the cinema, either on his own or with DSDs. I tried to invite his few friends around but they weren’t that interested. I’ve made some friends here, but not many, and I work from home so it’s pretty isolated. I’m quite sociable and have a lot of friends and family, but it’s me usually going to see them on my own with DS. DH hardly ever comes with me.

On the plus side of DH, aside from this big imbalance, is that we get on really well. We laugh a lot, he’s quite funny, we have very similar interests, everyday life is fun. He does loads of housework, takes loads of stress off me, and he’s a very good provider and has a great job.

On the downside his boundaries are terrible and he never goes anywhere with me!

I really feel sorry for your little boy his dad is allowing him to be emotionally bullied by exclusion and is worshipping the people who are doing it.

I also feel sorry for the DSDs because they are being shown that emotional abuse is okay which could be harmful to their future relationships.

Seems to me he is wallowing in self pity regarding his failed marriage. He is hooked on feeling guilty for some reason and gets some need fulfilled by being dominated by those feelings. What is he going to do when his daughters start families of their own and don't have time for him or move away?

In your shoes I would leave and move back to your friends and family. Start building a life where you can show your son that he is loved and cared about. Not one where he is second best. Sounds like you would be happier too.

This isn't about phone calls or ants. This is about a weak man who is damaging those around him by wallowing in self pity.

Why does your Dh work late every night? Does he have to?

Is his relationship with dsd's so fragile that he can't tell them their behaviour is unacceptable, that he has a wife and small child and his time can't be spread so thinly? So what if they don't speak to him for a while; if they love him they'll come round. He needs to. He needs to be on your side, doesn't he see that?

Why has he never been on holiday since you had DS?
Does he not relate to small children at all? Did you go on holidays together before DS?

Sorry I have so many questions; I just find it hard to get my head round such intense weirdness from people (not you, then).
You and he presumably married and wanted a child together, I don't get why he's pushing you both away.

I hope this can be sorted out without you separating.

Your dh could help encourage a better relationship because your ds is missing out too

It does sound full on.

I honestly don’t think DH can see it anymore, I think he feels that whenever he’s stood up to them he’s ‘caused them pain’ like when they stopped coming around. He regrets asking them to ignore DS and now excuses all of their behaviour. He says that they ‘feel uncomfortable around me and DS’ and to him that is not only okay but he feels that sorry for them.

I think he chose a side in effect. This is me of course analysing the situation, however he started off much more committed to making it work for all of us. Over the years he has been punished by his DSDs for anything that pulls us together. It began with big sulks, never talking to me, if I went to the cinema with DH they’d complain that they wanted to go, asking where we were all the time. We had a few holidays together me and DH and increasingly they complained, or phoned a lot to say it was so boring for them while he was with me. One night while having a lovely meal in France, I told DH how much I appreciated just being with him sometimes, and he said he wasn’t really enjoying it that much as he missed his girls. Mmm that put me in my place! I was pregnant then with DS.

I don’t think DSDs are bad people, just an increasing alienation of me and then DS as he is very close to me. If he’d been more of a Daddy’s boy maybe that would have been different.

I think this has possibly got too late to rectify. I thought it would ease as the girls became adults but it hasn’t. I will try offering the counseling and insisting he go on holiday option, but when I put this to DH he wasn’t overly keen. I’m not sure he’s taken in that I’m serious, I don’t think I want to be in this situation as it stands.

@EndofSummer - your posts are really heartbreaking to read. You sound like you have a very insightful & balanced grasp on what is going on & it does sound like your dh has taken a side. There is obviously something within him that is causing this massive guilt & regret over his dds & that's got nothing to do with you or your ds - it's HIS unresolved crap & you and ds are just so unlucky to be in the line of fire.
Reading your last few posts it would seem to me that you have little option bar saying to him that if he can't change you will have to leave. I honestly can't see how such a environment is good for you let alone your poor ds.
I had similar with my exh except it was over his relationship with alcohol. It just got to the point where I had tried everything & could just not tolerate it any longer. I told him that unless he did something about it I would have to leave with the kids as I couldn't have them grow up in such an environment. A few days later he chose to leave - it was the out he was looking for as he'd also been having an affair (another story altogether). My point being that he chose HIS way over compromise and is now with someone who doesn't seem to mind that his love of the high life trumps family life. Your dh won't change unless HE wants to & the only way for him to do that is to get professional help; a therapist/counsellor who could guide him through getting to grips with the fallout from his previous relationship.
You have my absolute utmost sympathy.

Thank you @magda

I’m so sorry for your separation, that is incredibly tough, being rejected for drink and an affair too. That’s incredibly selfish and hurtful of him. I don’t think he’s going to make anyone else happy.

It’s similar, I am being rejected with the allowance of all this exclusion. I don’t feel I can ask for or enjoy just normal things in my relationship anymore. It’s all quite sad really. We are left to carry on and try and make something of our lives, and provide the backbone for our kids too. It’s better than being lonely within a marriage and I do worry that it’s diminishing for DS.

I'm so sorry OP.

My SD over the years has also tried sulks and guilt tripping my DH when we were doing things together. She also tried to "punish" him by not coming over etc. It was having an impact on him but the main difference is he has made a different choice to your DH. He didn't give into the sulks. Didn't try to "make it up" to her. We didn't stop being a couple..When bombarded with silly texts he responded asking what does she expect him to do? When she tried to ruin things by being "unwell" he didn't offer sympathy but took to a doctor - it put a stop to the feeling unwell rethoric pretty fast.

There was A LOT of this behaviour and when she stopped coming over he let her and didn't chase after her. It didn't last. She needed her dad(and he is a good one) and adjusted to his new life.
He has done something right as we are all quite close now and she is a completely different person.

Through it all I knew he wanted to be with me and would never not do things with me cause she needed a lift...I knew she was very important to him and would always be one of the main people in our life but I also knew he wouldn't allow her disrespect towards me.

I wouldn't be with him if he wasn't on my side...
I'm suprised you lasted that long. With a young DS too...You and his dad are teaching him about relationships now..it sounds like he is not getting a good example. Your mom and you being ignored by two adult sisters and dad being totally fine with that must be awful environment to grow up.

Just read the whole thread and I think you have had a really undeserved hard time by some users. Keep your chin up. You sound very caring and self-aware.

I wondered if writing your posts has given you perspective on things? I only ask as they read a bit like pieces of a much bigger jigsaw coming together.

You seem to be the one doing all the trying and getting nothing at all - and sometimes worse than nothing - in return, from DH and his DSDs. Being blunt, the three of them sound like completely selfish idiots.

You have talked to DH and nothing changes. If I was in your shoes, I'd disconnect for a bit to give my mind/emotions a rest for a little while and spend tons of quality time with DS away from DH - days out and a couple of weekends away staying with friends and family. It may give you the head space you need and once you stop trying enough for both of you, a way forward (or out..) may become clearer.

Hmm can you take somebody else on the holiday too? A friend, a parent or a sibling? Somebody to keep you company when DS goes to bed?

I think that's a lovely idea to ask someone else to go with you, give you some support and some much needed laughs.

I hope at some point when his dds have adult relationships of their own they come to realise the impact of their and your dhs behaviour towards you.

It's tough being a step parent at times and it's almost impossible when the biological parent isn't in your corner.

I hope he sees sense, relationships need nurturing and tending to on a regular basis. You sound like a wonderful caring woman who given the chance would be such an asset in his dds lives.

I agree take someone else.
I feel for you op, You can do so much better

Good idea, I think I will ask around to see if a friend wants to come. You’ve all cheered me up a bit!

Sorry for the long posts, it’s a few years of many small things that add up to a big, fustrated lonely me and DS! And because it’s not one thing, it’s hard to describe. Especially as DH is so defensive and his family it feels like I’m mad to even think there is a problem, as I’m the one unhappy, DH and DSDs are fine with it as it is.

it feels like I’m mad to even think there is a problem

Can I remind you that you said:
"I’ve started to talk to my own family, who have met DSDs in the past too and they totally get it. The DSDs were really rude to my family and DH wasn’t even aware of it, he kept saying how wonderful they were for even seeing them.
"DHs siblings find DSDs very uncommunicative, and don’t see them.
"DSDs never visit any of their family on DHs side, including their grandmother who lives 5 mins walk away."

It's not you, it's them.

"It's not you, it's them."

Totally!