My adult DSDs ignore me but contact DH for the smallest thing

[EndofSummer]

I can’t work out whether I am being unreasonably annoyed by my DSDs? Any perspectives welcome.

Married 10 years, we have one young child between us. DH has two older daughters from previous marriage, 20 and 23 years, both living at their Mums. One at Uni, one not working at all.

They are both pretty indifferent to me and our child. No incident or reason, except that I feel invisible. DH enjoys a good relationship with them which I support. He has a lot of evenings and days where I’ll look after our child so he can take them out to nice places. They refuse to come to the house or spend time with me. That’s sad but I understand it’s not easy, so I let it be.

The thing that bugs me is that they contact DH for the smallest things a lot. We will just be sat down for dinner and one will call because she hasn’t got a form for Uni. And if she doesn’t get a reply straight away she’ll keep texting.

Yesterday the other one messaged DH at 1am to say that there were ants in their house! DH actually answered and we got into an argument. I said that this was their Mums house and it was up to her and then to sort it out, and also he shouldn’t reply at 1am we were in bed!

I find it very intrusive. I’ve talked to DH but he has guilt and princess daughter syndrome. What can I do? I find I’m getting jumpy every time the phone beeps.

You really don't get it, OP, do you?

EndofSummer, you ask for all perspectives and I don't think my post were nasty. It's been hard to follow your posts because you've broached different issues as you've continued to post.

First it was all about the quantity and insistent nature of the texts and you felt it was intrusive. You actually said that you were fine with him meeting with them outside of the home. Later you said you didn't mind the texts but had an issue with their demands.Then you started to post about feeling that you didn't matter and felt ignored and then suddenly, you have an issue that he spends so much time with them and you feel lonely.

It went back to the issue being about the texts at inconvenient time and then suddenly, it's about the fact that he won't go on holiday with you and your son.

Of course it is is not right that he should do things with his daughters that he won't do with you and your son and my posts were not about that. I was only responding in relation to your feelings in relation to the texting and meeting with them.

You are still trying to put the fault on his daughters or that your OH should not go with all their demands. What he is doing with his daughters is not wrong in anyway. The fact that they want to see him without you is not wrong either. What is wrong is the fact that your OH is not giving you and your DS enough time and attention. This is what you need to raise with him. It's not about him giving his daughters less attention and time but about giving you and your DS more.

I expect he isn't listening to you because you make it all about his daughters so his reaction is about defensiveness rather than focusing on what you can do together. Don't tell him that he should see less of his daughter, tell him that you'd like to go on a holiday with him and your son.

If he refuses to give you and your DS more time and attention, then fine, consider that the marriage is not working, but that's about your relationship with him, not his relation with his daughters.

@swingofthings - wise words! I agree.

OP please be positive about this holiday and don't even entertain your DH not coming.
Take back the suggestion that he might not come, and just discuss and look forward to the family holiday with the three of you. (Can you tell I've been on ' 'holiday' on my own with a 4 year old. It's not fun). If your DH still feels 'guilty' tell him to arrange a nice day or weekend with his dds as well. Don't sacrifice you and your DS to this crappy situation.

Actually I disagree with swinging things about it's not wrong that they want to see him but not you and DS. It's rude and nasty and they should be civil, at least sometimes.

Surely his DDs go on holiday by themselves or with their Mum? So why does your DH think it's acceptable not to take your son on holiday?

The SDs are awful in their behaviour, but their dad is allowing it.

If I had an older child who refused to acknowledge their younger half sibling, who was also my child, I would actually go NC with them.

If they wanted to flounce off then so be it. They can tell all who will listen that it's because they refuse to engage and acknowledge their sibling.

I don't tolerate my two DC being horrible to each other and I call them out on such behaviour.

If they want to behave like spoilt brats...they're welcome.

Being too nice has made your DH become a doormat and I question whether his daughters really have any respect for him.

Tell him that if things carry on his daughters will have to get used to him not being at their beck and call as he'll be busy looking father his son when it's his turn for access.

He has just started going to counseling as both he & I have become very aware that his guilt over being the nrp to his kids is affecting his ability to move on & he does want to move on. Magda I wish you all so much luck. It’s right it’s letting themselves be held back, not moving on, but life is so short they are damaging everyone’s potential future. So glad he is facing this though through counseling.

It is not rude or nasty to want to see your dad and not his wife. Seriously, you people are bonkers.
Have you literally never heard of people not getting on with step mothers? Never seen a disney movie?

If I had an older child who refused to acknowledge their younger half sibling, who was also my child, I would actually go NC with them

Well that says plenty about you. You'd cut off one child if they didn't fawn over another.....

@Iwanna thanks that does make a lot of sense. He really does need to stop jumping at their every demand, stand his ground and stick up for me and DS. It feels like there is no room for us, often I just feel me and DS are an inconvenience. I did tell DH about the family tree drawing, he got defensive, at the time I think he was more interested in defending his DSDs than being compassionate about DS and his feelings.

@myfriend yes I now believe the myth if the wicked step mother is alive and well!

@sandy and yearof the DDs have holidays with their Mum. DH keeps talking about possible holidays with just them, he talks about their Uni, their boyfriends. He says he does tell them often what a good mum I am to DS, but I worry this just furthers the divide, DS is related to them all too!

Just tired of it all really. Feels like one long very draining and lonely experience and I don’t feel like a family at all. When we had an argument about the ants I just wanted to run a million miles away and leave them all to it. You know what it might just be better to live apart and get someone else, a friend to come on holiday and days out.

"Have you literally never heard of people not getting on with step mothers? Never seen a disney movie?"

All step mothers are portrayed as evil in disney films, Its so boring and repetitive.
Also Ariel turns from a mermaid to a human, The beast turns into a man. There are fairies in sleeping beauty and Aladdin flys a magic carpet.
Its not real life you know these things dont actually happen. And you think everyone else is bonkers for expecting grown adults to be civil. Ok....

When you say you are feeling drained and lonely I think you should go see a friend and get away from it all. Maybe a night away just mums? Dh can bond with Ds and plan a movie night and with movies Ds takes part in choosing with Dh, popcorn, hamburgers or hotdogs etc.

Its not real life you know these things dont actually happen

And yet people not getting on with their step mothers really does happen. A LOT.
You seem to have missed the actual relevant point.

Well just say that then if thats what you think trying to prove your point with disney films doesnt prove anything.
Its 2018 the story of the wicked stepmother is out of touch to real life.

I did tell DH about the family tree drawing, he got defensive, at the time I think he was more interested in defending his DSDs than being compassionate about DS and his feelings
I know you think I'm being nasty because you don't want to hear anyone saying that there is nothing wrong with his relationship with his daughters, but this shows what I'm trying to say, the more you are trying to pressure him to get him to realise that you and your son are more important, the more he is going to be defensive and move towards them.

I do agree that they are probably making the best of this dynamics and I suspect the issue is not new but been going on, in the background for quite some time.

As to whether it is rude of not that they totally ignore you and your DS, I look at it as to what is for the best in the current situation. Would it really make you feel better if they came over, said a few polite words to you, tell you that your meal is delicious, that your DS is very clever, that they can see how happy you make their dad, knowing that deep inside, they don't believe a word of it and wish they were not there? Is hypocrisy not as rude than ignorance? I personally don't think so.

I think you need to accept that your marriage is going through a tough patch and you need to get your OH to focus his attention on you again, but for that, you need to make him want to do so, and pressurising him by making him feel guilty of how he treats his daughters is only going to have the opposite effect.

Some people are disingenuous. Ancient stories have a ring of truth, which is why the stories themselves have survived for so long. And why they are still enjoyed.

Some families blend well, some don't. I do wonder if the current numbers of broken family units and secondary relationships will change perceptions long term but second families are, at root, complicated for the children of first families and not recognising the potential emotional issues shows a lack of empathy.

I don't for one minute get the impression that the op wants her dh to recognize her & ds as more important than his dds, but rather she would like them to be AS important. He CHOSE to divorce, remarry & have another child but is now bowing out of HIS responsibility to treat all members of his family equally.
Of course his dds still need him - but they are adults & arguably his young ds needs him more at this point in time.
My 21 year old still needs me but not in the same way my 12 year old does. She needs me on a daily basis because she's still a child. My 21 year old takes care of himself on a daily basis but needs to be able to check in with me if & when he wants to.
I also don't get the impression she wants to limit his relationship with his dds but that she would like that relationship to be more balanced & for them to at least acknowledge they have a half brother.
I don't think it's normal to dislike half siblings so thoroughly unless it's being encouraged & allowed.
I think one of the hardest things any of us have to do as parents is view our kids objectively. We all want to think our kids are perfect but sometimes we need to dig deep & realize that their behaviour isn't always great. The OP's dp's guilt is overriding the fact that his dds are (in this situation) being bullies & in no other situation (school, the workplace etc.) would their behaviour be sanctioned or tolerated.

They have been married for 10 years, so surely something must have happened that things seem to be worse now than they were before when the girls were still kids.

Who is to say what level of contact between a parent and their kids is right or wrong. Everyone is different and they are no rules. At the age of these girls, I was living 1000s of miles away from my parents, they were no such thing as mobile phone and calling abroad cost a fortune, so my parents were lucky to hear from me once a month. This was fine with us. On the other hand, my flatmate was like OP's SD, on the phone or one parent or the other almost every day, calling them as soon as something minor happened in her life, and just not able to imagine not being so close to her parents.

I don't think it's normal to dislike half siblings so thoroughly unless it's being encouraged & allowed.
There is a difference between disliking and not being interested. I have a sister who is 20 years younger than me, so born after I had left home, and even though I do consider her my sister, I certainly wasn't interested at all in her when I was in my 20s and she was under 10. We never got the chance to bond and in my mind, she was 'just' my mum's other daughter. Of course she looked up to me, and when I got home, I would spend some time with her, but it was more for her benefit than mine and what I really wanted was adult time with my mum alone without her in the way.

The issue here, again, is that OP's OH doesn't have an issue with his relationship with his DDs and the more OP try to convince him that there is and make him feel guilty for it, the more likely he is to back off from her rather than his daughters.

Well that says plenty about you. You'd cut off one child if they didn't fawn over another

I said if they didn't acknowledge not fawn over. Do you not understand the difference between those two words?

Here's the difference.
Acknowledge ... accept or admit the existence or truth of.

Fawn .. to flatter someone or attend to someone excessively

Well @swingofthings that's sort of my point. You'd little interest in your sister but it sounds like that for your mum's sake & for your sister's sake you were able to see the bigger picture & make an effort.
My 21 year old son loves, but has little interest, in his half siblings (2 & 4). But for his dad's sake & in the interest of positive family dynamics he makes an effort to come and see them & his sm every couple of months but also meets his dad by himself.
Both you and he have manners - it appears these girls have none.
Also these women do not seem to want the pleasure of their dad's company, but rather they seem to be demanding a very childlike type of attention.

Magda, does your son like his SM? Because I think that makes a big difference.

I'm not sure why you say they don't want their dad's company since it would seem from OP that they do spend plenty of time together, which is why OP complained that it made her feel lonely.

I don't think I said they don't like their dad's company (maybe it sounded that way) but it seems like it's spending time with him in a manner which demands his attention - eg the contact at 1am & the insistence that they never call to see him at home. That's not let's just hang out - it's all on their terms. It's not giving & receiving attention to & from their dad - it's demanding he gives them & them alone his full attention.
My son really resented & disliked his sm at the beginning & while I always said to him that while he didn't have to like her he had to respect the fact that she was his dad's choice & that he had to respect her in what was now her home. In fairness to him he got this - he was 16 at the time - & once he took this approach he began to relax around her & realized that most of his dislike & resentment was not for her as a person but a redirection of his anger at his dad for the way he had handled things.
He and she will never be best pals - they're too dissimilar in personality - but he does like her now & is very respectful towards her. And I have to say I'm very proud of him for this as I know it was not easy for him but he took responsibility for himself & his feelings and instead of blaming everyone for how he was feeling he worked on himself & took responsibility for his reactions & emotions.

Thanks Magda, Sandy and Pretty. You all seem to be actually reading my posts and your comments are really helpful.

I find it offensive that asking for compassion for DS who was upset about his sisters was in any way asking for DS to be more important. I’m pretty shocked anyone would defend adult family members deliberately ignoring their young brother. As Sandy says, it’s totally different asking for ‘fawning’ or loads of attention, where in my posts have I said DS must be fawned over?

However yes I do expect my DSDs to acknowledge his existence AND mean it! That is not too much to ask. Ignoring and totally excluding DS and me is mean and nasty, and DH is enabling it. I will stick up for DS as no one else is going to, he deserves more. It’s been going on for years I just think I’ve had enough now. I think DH feels guilty for spending time with us, which is a damaging dynamic. DH will wake up to DSDs who have their own lives but DS will have lost out on his Dad for his childhood. So sad really, there’s room for all if the balance was better.

@Magda the way that you helped your son resolve his feelings about his SM was amazing. You sound like a great Mum. You should be proud of your son, I do understand that there are conflicting feelings at first from a step child. Your son may have felt unconsciously protective of you his Mum, liking his SM May have felt disloyal, and your clear permission to have his own independent relationship with her probably mattered hugely.

This reallly struck a chord. So easy to lay the blame on the SM, the outsider, rather than yourself and parents.
& once he took this approach he began to relax around her & realized that most of his dislike & resentment was not for her as a person but a redirection of his anger at his dad for the way he had handled things.