My adult DSDs ignore me but contact DH for the smallest thing

[EndofSummer]

I can’t work out whether I am being unreasonably annoyed by my DSDs? Any perspectives welcome.

Married 10 years, we have one young child between us. DH has two older daughters from previous marriage, 20 and 23 years, both living at their Mums. One at Uni, one not working at all.

They are both pretty indifferent to me and our child. No incident or reason, except that I feel invisible. DH enjoys a good relationship with them which I support. He has a lot of evenings and days where I’ll look after our child so he can take them out to nice places. They refuse to come to the house or spend time with me. That’s sad but I understand it’s not easy, so I let it be.

The thing that bugs me is that they contact DH for the smallest things a lot. We will just be sat down for dinner and one will call because she hasn’t got a form for Uni. And if she doesn’t get a reply straight away she’ll keep texting.

Yesterday the other one messaged DH at 1am to say that there were ants in their house! DH actually answered and we got into an argument. I said that this was their Mums house and it was up to her and then to sort it out, and also he shouldn’t reply at 1am we were in bed!

I find it very intrusive. I’ve talked to DH but he has guilt and princess daughter syndrome. What can I do? I find I’m getting jumpy every time the phone beeps.

You have a husband issue, he hasn't set the boundaries. I think ringing or texting at 1am for anything other than an emergency is rude. Your dsd don't much care if they're being intrusive and your dh won't grow a backbone and do something about it.

@queen Very true. Although I would probably say I have a DSD and DH issue! They could all do with changing attitude. However you are right that if DH was stronger and able to cope with the retaliation from them if he put up boundaries it would massively help.

EndofSummer why has it become an issue recently though and with both women? You've been married for 10 years, assumed together before. Has it always been like this but it wasn't an issue for you before, or has dynamics changed? When did they stop coming over to your house?

It's not about putting all the blame on the SM. No-one here has said it was your fault, it's a question of whether the situation is such that it is right to be demanding a change, or whether to let it go because it's not worth the consequences. If demanding a change, what change is it? That your OH stopped responding to their call and when? To not see them as often? To demand that he takes your DS with him at times when he meets with them, demand that they come to the house to see their dad and speak to you and your DS?

If demanding a change, what change is it? That your OH stopped responding to their call and when? To not see them as often? To demand that he takes your DS with him at times when he meets with them, demand that they come to the house to see their dad and speak to you and your DS

If it was me the demamd would be to prioritise us in everyday life. To be free to make plans for days out with our DS NOT around DDs plans..If they don't get a lift they can use public transport, days with DH and son should not be structured around lifts for adults.To be free to go on family holidays without guilt or worrying what DDs think(and if DH worries he doesn't overload others with his guilt), inviting DDs at times but if they decide not to accept DH should be firmly on my side. I would expect him to tell his DDs that texts in the middle of the night about trivial matters are unacceptable. I would expect him to see them only if it doesn't impact on our plans with DS- with an invite for them to join us of course. etc.

Basically OP and her DH are a unit and present a united front towards son and (step)daughters.

I think that would be better for OP ans her DS..possibly for DDs too

The problem with how you are putting it Whitecat is that it is saying to OP's OH to pick, because prioritising is exactly that, you come first, they come second and demanding something such as refusing that he answers a late phone call is very controlling.

That's the bit I don't understand. That he goes out of the room to pick up the call, absolutely, OP shouldn't have to be disturbed by it, but to say that he can't pick it up because his answering the call shows that he gives attention to one of his children and OP seems nothing but controlling.

I just can't imagine my DP telling me that I better not pick up a call from my DD when she's at uni because he thinks that she should be self-sufficient and that I shouldn't have to help her when I actually very much want to help her or otherwise, he'll be angry with me.

I agree with being a unit, but a unit doesn't mean that one can dictate what the other one does or how they feel. If OP feels that her OH is currently dictating her life, then that needs to tackle it but not by shifting the control the other side and by dictating him what he should or shouldn't do. As said before, OP should be discussing her needs with her OH, not what his needs or wants should be in relation to his daughters.

Swing I don't think he shouldn't pick phonecalls from his DDs..he absolutely should but he also should make it clear that texting in the middle of the night about trival matters is not acceptable. Emergencies YES but not this ant nonsense. Note that in this case they are not at uni or self-sufficient..They are at they DMs house dragging him into his ex wifes issues. An adult women(or 3) should tacke ant problem in their own house on their own..He should tell them that. Because really..what is HE supposed to do about his exes home??

I know that I'll come across as confrontational (as I usually do!) but that's not my intention. I just have an issue (in life in general) with people who consider that because they are not happy with something, it makes it unacceptable to everyone.

If OP's OH doesn't mind taking a call at 1am (and it seemed in that instance that both he and OP were indeed still awake), why does it make it more unacceptable for his kids to call at that time than calling at 9 in the morning, especially if it is a time when he would be more likely to still be asleep?

Again, I could totally understand if OP had been fast asleep and it had woken her up, but it doesn't seem to be the case. Why would it be ok to enforce a rule that they can't call after say 10pm even though OP' OH is still up at 1am and doesn't mind having a telephone conversation at that time?

I am up at 6:30 am every day. My mum knows it so it has happened that she's called me at 7:30 on a Sunday before she went out somewhere. It's a convenient time for both of us. I just cannot imagine my OH telling me that he wanted me to tell my mum to never call me at this time because according to him, it's not a reasonable time.

By the way, totally agree with the ant issue, I too think it's ridiculous and that's what I would tell my kids but I don't think that because it is how I feel, it should be how everyone should feel too.

There have been numerous conversations my OH had with his mum when he has shown what I consider unwarranted sympathy but I could never say that to him because he is free to tell his mum what he wants to tell her.

I agree that you should focus on getting your dh to not drop everything the second they call and commit to days out and holidays with you and ds. The phone call issue can wait for now because you won't be able to get everything you want straight away.
I think your h would benefit from talking to a counsellor, because he's not seeing just how unfair he is being to you and ds. He chose to marry you and have another child and he has obligations to you both as well as to his dds. You can't make them accept you or your ds but it needs to be made clear to your h that the girls have no bond with his son because he has allowed them far too much power to dictate all the terms of the relationship and that in doing so he has failed his son. I think a counsellor might help here.
But I would definitely be telling him that the future of the marriage hinged on him being a full, active participant in it and not treating you like shit.

I think if the op can make weekend and holiday plans then the texts etc will seem less of a big deal. It’s the drop everything, cancel everything, shove the op and their ds to the bottom of the priority list as soon as contact comes in that’s the problem.

If it was me the demamd would be to prioritise us in everyday life. To be free to make plans for days out with our DS NOT around DDs plans..If they don't get a lift they can use public transport, days with DH and son should not be structured around lifts for adults.To be free to go on family holidays without guilt or worrying what DDs think(and if DH worries he doesn't overload others with his guilt), inviting DDs at times but if they decide not to accept DH should be firmly on my side. I would expect him to tell his DDs that texts in the middle of the night about trivial matters are unacceptable. I would expect him to see them only if it doesn't impact on our plans with DS- with an invite for them to join us of course. etc

Thanks whitecat this is exactly what we need, me and DS, from DH. Exactly. Thank you for putting it so clearly, and for really reading my posts (unlike some others!) It’s not worth staying in this marriage without this balance redirected and I honestly don’t feel like DH is going to do it, he cannot stop reacting to demands rather than taking charge himself. I’ve put up with this as the status quo for far too long and it’s taking its toll on me and making DS feel like he’s not got a family.

And no me and DH were not awake at 1am, the call woke us both up, and we get up at 6.30/7am because we have a young child.

No this is not a recent issue based on a sudden change.

Not sure why anyone assumes anything different from the above.

You have to be so careful about how you word it. Don't make it about you. Make it about your DS. 'Doesn't DS deserve the same attention that his DDs get?' sounds a whole lot better than saying 'You need to prioritize DS and I.' Take yourself out of the conversation because in reality it isn't so much about how this affects you but about the effect on your DS.

Not sure why anyone assumes anything different from the above.

Your initial post said that she messaged at 1am and that he answered not that she called, and there was no mention of being woken up.

This thread has evolved a lot from the first few posts and has gone from being annoyed about their constant calls/messages to serious issues in your marriage.

Based on the latter, I agree with posters that the issue around the texting/calling is a small concern compared to the deeper-seeded conflicts in your relationship.

Swing you don’t get my posts at all. I know you think that you are trying to help but you consistently read into my posts in a biased way that makes me think there are deeper seeded conflicts within yourself and your own relationships. I appreciate your time.

Thank you to other posters many of you have known similar situations, and the common sense and decency of many of you. I think a lot of you have also experienced being ignored and had your DH, our main rock and relationships, be pulled with guilt, it’s pretty unbearable. So that normal family stuff like being able to go for a day out, not get woken up or eat dinner without regular and insistent interruptions (it’s fine to message, not fine to call again and again until DH answers!).

No wonder so many second families break up! At least I’m going to remove me and DS from that atmosphere for a while.

the texting/calling is a small concern compared to the deeper-seeded conflicts in your relationship
Aren’t the texting calling and his reaction to them causing the conflicts in the relationship- or am I in some parallel universe. .........

Endof Swing is very good at reading into ops and coming up with damning conclusions. She's on a lot of step parent threads and from what I've seen never supports the sp just the parent. I suspect she is not a step parent nor is she any good at reading people or psychology. Take no notice.

He's their dad. I can't see why they shouldn't contact him, if he feels it's too much he can say no. I don't know why you're instigating bickering about his children. They're not attacking you are they? As indifferent to you as they are. He doesn't stop being their dad just because they're grown you, and it's not for you to judge re not working or whatever else. Just stay out of it.

Thanks flamingo and queen that’s all very true.
Mistress I can’t even go on a day out or holiday or even sleep at night without it being around what DSDs want. If they message then call at 1am about ants (in their mothers house) or want to ignore DS and me I’m supposed to swallow it and be a martyr to it all.

I totally get DSDs and DH need a good relationship, totally, including time together, calls, messages. I support this. It’s the balance that is out of kilter and that is my business. I’ve tried for years to play fair, just get on with it, make the best of it. I’ve had enough and have booked a holiday for me and DS. I can choose to take myself and DS out of this bad dynamic and I will. Hopefully DH might get counseling or think things through a bit more. So sad really, there is plenty of room for all of us to function fine, but I won’t do it at such great cost to both DS and me.

And what about the ops son, her dh son should he play second fiddle because his other 2 came first? The double standards on this board is astounding sometimes.

The op has every right to feel the way she feels don't invalidate how she feels by telling her to get over it, stay out of it mind your own business.

His kids are adults and by now should be aware that the world doesn't revolve around them. Is everyone on here telling the op to suck it up saying they would be delighted to receive a phone call at 1am about ants or something else that as adults (and living with their other parent) should be able to sort themselves? Is that it once you have children you have to be at their beck and call 24/7 no matter what? Please.

I really wish that those who aren't step parents would fuck off from this board because it's hard work juggling everyone's feelings and doing you're best to make sure you get the balance right often with little or no thanks. Parents who have not had the pleasure of being a blended family don't have the foggiest. Op isn't asking for your criticisms or an assassination of her character or marriage.

Give the lady some support ffs.

And what about the ops son, her dh son should he play second fiddle because his other 2 came first? The double standards on this board is astounding sometimes

It's his father that owes him and who is treating him badly. His half sisters don't owe him anything and are not the problem.

As usual, women blame other women for the problems their men are creating.

Yes my that is what I was saying, should the ops son play second fiddle to his dads other kids.

I’d say DSDs and DH are both the problem, it hurts me and DS just as much. I don’t owe people, that’s not how relationships work, however I do feel that I treat my DSDs and DH with respect, acknowledgement and care. (Well apart from the usual pick your pants off the floor to DH!) I do want the same back, and anything less is conflictual and antagonistic. From both.

As usual, women blame other women for the problems their men are creating

So true.

I agree @mistress so many people blame step mothers for everything and tell them to mind their own business while they are at it.