Long story short:
Ex DH and OW had an affair when I was pregnant with youngest child, now 13. I should have left then.
Two weeks before OW became pregnant with DH child, she told me she had always wanted the life I’d had with him but that she was sorry for what she had done.
Fast forward: I find out about child, DH dithers, doesn’t know what to do, until I make a sensible decision and tell him to bugger off, she moves in with him, has child.
Children want nothing to do with her and child. I encourage a good relationship with him, despite the damage they have caused. He continuously harasses them to meet her and child, eventually they agree to meet child. He promises she won’t be there, but guess what, she is. That was in October. They refuse to go back. They rarely even go out with him now as they don’t trust him. They try to have a relationship with him but all he can do is harass them about being a part of his family.
He has no concept of the damage he has caused, none at all. He and that woman continually try to come up with ways to make them go there. They are teenagers, they have an understanding of their own morals and feelings. They aren’t stupid, I do not discourage them. On the contrary, I tell them that whatever they decide is best for them, I will fully respect as this is about them and their lives, not about me. Sadly, their father does not share that opinion. As always, it’s is about what makes him happy. He uses the child to guilt trip the children, even though they don’t blame the child. I constantly get accused of making them not want to come. I absolutely don’t do that, I don’t want my children to turn around in years to come and hate me for not allowing them a relationship with their father, I also don’t want them to have regrets about not having a relationship with him, hence the encouragement.....
They only reply to texts if I encourage it, even if it’s a ‘no thank you’.
He is destroying his relationship with them because he cannot accept that it is just him they want a relationship with. They don’t want another family, especially with a woman who deliberately was a part of destroying their family.
They probably would have accepted a relationship with the baby but that’s looking less likely now as he doesn’t ever respect their feelings.
I am the one who has kept them going (and they me). I am the one who has had to pick up the pieces every single bloody time their father has made a stupid decision. I’m the one who makes sure their mental health is as good as it possibly can be considering the circumstances, whilst making sure I am ok for their sake. I am the one who will always, always, always put them first. I am the one who would never place another person as higher importance than them, no one is more important than them. I am the one who would never have done this to them. Would never have hurt them like this. And never will!
They know this, they are teenagers. They are not stupid. I don’t need to influence them!
Do not underestimate the damage you have caused OP. People like you make me sick. You haven’t considered the effect your selfishness has has on those children, it’s all about what you and he want.