Will they ever accept me?

[niteandfog]

My boyfriend and I got together via an affair (were not proud of it) but well what's done is done. His children know how we got together and the DS absolutely hates me his DD seems ok/ambivalent about the whole thing. I've told him at last his DS will never ever accept me and that we can kiss the "blended family" dream good bye... I just would to here any stories where the kids actually ended up accepting the ex AP as an actual step parent.

I had nothing to do with my DH’s separation from his XW, we met way after they split, and I’m still working on developing a relationship with his 2 DDs almost 7 years on.

My dad did this. He married the other woman and things have never been the same with him since. I’ve pretended to like her for my dad but I never have and have always thought she is a nasty bitch (and no respect for him.) Now in my mid 30’s with children of my own and I think the two of them are more abhorrent than ever and barely see them. I’m now the same age as she was when she embarked on an affair with a married man with 3 school aged kids. It’s a vile thing to do. I doubt your daughter will think much of you when the truth comes out if I’m honest.

I’d walk away. The happy family you dream of probably won’t materialise.

@KenftYakimoski- didn’t know the user name significance. Pretty much what’s she’s done to the family. Affair with husband who has disappeared from his family’s life........

I would not have anything whatsoever to do with a person involved with one of my parents during their marriage. Also, the cheating parent would be dead to me. As a matter of fact, anyone who came sniffing around a recently divorced or bereaved parent would also get nothing but coldness and rejection from me. Certainly would not be welcome in my or my childrens life. Hth.

The fact that DP puts his own needs faaaar in front of his sons should ring a few warning bells for you.

My mum had an affair which led to my parents separating (several other issues but that was one of the factors that led to the actual separation). I was 10 and my sisters were 8 and 5. We were all very angry, very damaged and hurt by what became an extremely acrimonious situation.

He didn't leave his wife and my mum and stepdad didn't become officially a couple until a few years later.

It wasn't until we were all in our mid twenties that we were able to move on enough to accept him. I now have a great relationship with him, he adores my DS and is a wonderful grandpa.

I look back now and see that he kept his own counsel and didn't expect anything except from anger and upset from three girls who's lives were turned upside down. They didn't force a blended family on us, we were angry enough from the relationship. The didn't move in together until we all left home. And like I say, we were still angry, messed up teens despite him not being a constant presence.

Sorry OP but if you want this to work you have to play the long game.

Sounds like your partner's son has a stronger moral compass than his father.

In answer to your question, no I can't see them ever coming round to you. I suspect it won't be a problem though as I don't see this relationship working. I feel sorry for your daughter that kids at school will hear their parents talking about you when you haven't even had the decency to be honest with her yourself.

My boyfriend has always been in this crazy place where he thought that he'd eventually come around to the idea. His main reason is that he was very depressed before and he isn't anymore and his son would see he's happier.
What a typical totally self-centered attitude. Good luck to you OP getting together when a man who clearly is only about me me me.

Funny how he assumes his DS would be happy to see him happy, not consider for a second that his DS might not be happy at all to see his mother destroyed by his betrayal. Weak man, not happy but instead of moving on, taking the time to do so, so that his kids can adjust to the idea, opt to wait for his princess to come and rescue him.

I really fell to understand how any woman could feel in love with someone like that. Maybe they come across as all charming, but in the end their true colours always come out.

we can kiss the "blended family" dream good bye..
You were living in utopia lend from the start.

Yeah I know the connection of the username with Hitler... But I chose it because it's my favourite song by Mercury Rev

STBXH left me for OW last year. Our children knew OW and had even met her when they were still "friend" prior to us separating.

They were properly introduced 4 weeks later.

Now several months later things have calmed down. Both the children were angry but it was directed to their Dad and what he'd done more so than OW.

I have never slated the OW and have only been positive about her - whether this has helped l don't know but l reason that if she is going to be a big part of my children's life - maybe even for the next 30 years - then it's better to have a positive relationship.

Ds2 took it hardest and l went through many nights of him not sleeping and being so angry. I got him counselling eventually.

The OW is making a huge effort with the children and for that l am grateful but STBXH wanted me to disappear and her to slot into the role so they can play happy families. This has led to a few arguements as l have reminded them that l am the mother and no matter how much she "thinks like a mum, act's like a mum and wants to be like a mum" (yes.. those words were said to me) ... l am the only mother.

Having read a good deal of the other threads I'm seriously hoping this is complete fiction. Not only have the op's boyfriends children got to cope with their family falling apart and learning their father doesn't give a shit about them but their mother is potentially very ill too. (Though op has been very careful to avoid saying very much about that) I also suspect the OM was cooling toward op - and op made sure his wife found out so forced the ending of the marriage.

Really really hope this isn't true.

And I'm not moaning, I always knew this was going to be the case. He's the one who thought it was going to be possible. I think best case scenario he'll always have to have his own place even if it's just to see his kids there until they leave for uni.

How old is the son? You say your daughters are young. Older children want and need explanations when their parents split up. If it's the gossip of the local area then you can't keep it from him anyway. You should also consider that your partner may not be the father you think he is. He has refused to put his own kids first which speaks volumes doesn't it? Perhaps this son doesn't buy into his father being happy now because his dad has been a shit parent all along.

Read your other threads when the whole disaster was unfolding.

I can't even begin to imagine what sort of parent has an affair, leaves their partner, tells their children, and then expects them to play happy fucking families with mummy's new fuck buddy within 7 weeks. Your daughter is going to have so many issues when she grows up. Not the least of which is the fact she feels responsible for your feelings and hides her own to appease you.

And I would run a mile from anyone that chose a fuck buddy over their own children because 'they will always be there'. They won't. My dp hasn't spoken to his parents for 10 years. They don't even know we have children. They've never met their grandchildren. They are dead to him. Kids won't always be there. Just look at all the nc threads on toxic, selfish parents.

Those will be your kids one day. Lamenting their parent inability to put anyone but their genitals first.

You're not here looking for other stories of people magically accepted as new mummy after they fucked their marriage up and their dad chose her over them. But you are going to be told exactly what you are, which is why you're here isn't it? You so want to be the victim because it makes you feel better.

trying thanks for sharing that. I think what you've done has really helped IMO. I have been slated by his ex and her family on a daily basis Infront of the children. I think that is key. She blames me for everything that happened which I understand but it's not accurate, he left just like I left... Because we were unhappy and because our marriages where just pretending "for the sake of the children" . I separated within 10 days of meeting him give or take.he wanted to do it in an orderly way, even went to Relate but his wife always held some hope he would go back... Until he told her the truth and well it has become extremely messy since then.

Tbf apart from his ex and her immediate family there has been no gossip passed around. It might help that I've never had any friends... Who knows! So his children (10 and 5) have been exposed to this via his mum and her family. My DD (7) hasn't been exposed at all. She's met him by chance and one day just asked if he was my boyfriend. I said yes and now she even jokes bout him!

My daughter doesn't know a thing and she has adjusted to the whole thing pretty well.

I'm really not following your train of thought here. How can your daughter be said to have adjusted to something she knows nothing about? She might have adjusted to the presence of your new man in her life. Do you wonder how she might react when she gets a bit older and finds out how your relationship started?

The having no-one IRL with whom you can talk about this might give you a clue. Anytime life gets a bit difficult, having to look out for him eyeing up the next one, to take him away from real life and make him happy at the expense of everyone else may just be another downside.

Jesus. You have no right to have a good relationship with either of his kids. I'm sure they will hate you forever.
No advice here. You've done everything wrong.

Well that I don't know. I've always known my mum was a "bastard child" and that never really affected me. I guess it will come down to what type of relationship they develop. I know they'll get along. She's actually asked if he can come for movie night one day. And having no friends has been purely circumstancial

having no friends has been purely circumstantial

Well, if the circumstances have been having an affair, putting your own happiness above that of everyone else, that would tend to make sense.

For the record, I have come to think that the desire to have affair is a sign that your current relationship isn't working. If you act on that sign, tell your current partner, split up and then look around for a new partner, fair enough. If you act on the desire by embarking on an affair, well that's when everything starts to go wrong. Why do that, just why?

You're living in a fantasy land. She hasn't adjusted, she hasn't met him?! You have no idea how she will actually adjust to him being in her life. As for the 10 year old, they're not stupid at that age. Even if nobody had told him about the affair, you appearing so quickly after his folks split up may well have made it obvious to him what had happened. What a shame the ex and her family won't help you fulfil your dream of a blended family though hey? Selfish bastards! Ever wondered why they're so bitter? Whether he has perhaps been a complete an utter bastard to her for a long long time?

his children (10 and 5) have been exposed to this via his mum and her family.

So its his exes fault that the dc wont accept you ? You have some nerve op.

Just remember that how you enter a relationship is usualy how you leave one so dont be surprised when he does the exact same thing to you.

So you couldn’t keep your knickers on and had an affair, destroying the lives of your child and his children ....... yet you’re blaming his ex for his children nor accepting you? You’re a real treat aren’t you!!!

How l have handled it may have helped but it still doesn't take away that ultimatly their father has no morals and is a lieing selfish git.

We were both unhappy for years and so this split is probably the best thing but at least l know l tried to make my marriage work by suggesting counselling etc... but he... like your "D"P had already got someone else lined up. Shame neither of you and my ex could have done the right thing and left before you all had someone else to fall back on.

No, the lack of friends was mostly due to a very demanding job that kept me at home (not office based). Ex H never saw the need to get any more friends as he's a natural loner... Anyways when I met him I was on the brink of asking for a divorce I technically only cheated for 10days as I almost immediately asked for a divorce and my exH knew about him pretty much from the start. He started to try to separate a couple of weeks later he was never really successful until well the people at relate told her that he had completely checked out of the relationship between there was nothing to be done. Our affair was in the grand scheme of things a short lived one it lasted only 3 months. And for those who day they he might cheat on me... Well he might I hope not, I'm not a jealous person.