Will they ever accept me?

[niteandfog]

My boyfriend and I got together via an affair (were not proud of it) but well what's done is done. His children know how we got together and the DS absolutely hates me his DD seems ok/ambivalent about the whole thing. I've told him at last his DS will never ever accept me and that we can kiss the "blended family" dream good bye... I just would to here any stories where the kids actually ended up accepting the ex AP as an actual step parent.

I didn't choose to tell the kids... Their mum told them as "they deserved to know the truth". My DD met him by chance and to some extent as damage control.

Their mum told them as "they deserved to know the truth"

They did. And you’ve no right to be critical of her for it either. Considering you’ve helped blow her world apart.

Of course they deserve to know the truth. Especially the older child. He will have worked it out anyway. I will never lie to my children. How will they be able to trust me if I lie to them? They’ve had enough lying to last a lifetime. It sounds like their mum is making sure they have at least one parent to depend on. You sound so entitled....yet another similarity to the OW in my life!!

“My DD met him by chance and to some extent as damage control.”

So which is it? And how would it ever be damage control?

Anyway, that’s all I have to say. It’s wierd to read just how much you don’t get it, or don’t want to.
It makes me relieved in a funny way that I’m not the only person who has to put up with the kind of behaviour/reaction/entitlement/selfishness that you display.

Of course when he cheated on his wife he and walked out on her, he also cheated on his kids and abandoned them in the most selfish and callous way.

No, I don't think his DC will recover, their relationship with him has changed forever and don't expect any sort of relationship with you.

You reap what you sow, except in this case the kids are innocent victims. I hope you're happy now?

Honestly op, your kidding yourself seeing a future with this man. His ds will never accept you and the chances of a successful relationship between and this mans father are non existent. It will eventually break you apart when you are excluded from family events etc which you absolutely will be .
Don't think you will listen though.

So I will be excluded from two birthdays? Just the same.way he will be excluded from my DDs? That doesn't seem like a lot. Even the mediator said they didn't have to know. I only started to make my DD used to the idea that I would have a boyfriend eventually just I case she heard the "news" in school. That's the damage control part. Now that's she's met him (and liked him!) She'll be able to.make up her mind given she at least has a vague idea of what he/we are like.

Just to add to what has already been said. My dad left when I was five and married ow eventually Although I am nothing but polite to her and like her as a person. She is still 40 years later the ow. And I have never forgiven my dad for putting my Mum through what he did. I am loyal. He is my dad but not forgiven.

My children father left at the beginning of the leave and have had ow at each contact as Dads friend. They are neither daft or stupid. Regardless of age. And are not only struggling to come to terms with their own situation. They are sadly acutely aware of the devastation this decision has caused me. As hard as I tried to protect them from my emotional fall out. And I have not utter a negative word about either of them. They will make their own decisions. Although I am sure they won't believe I have not influenced the children Because he deserved to be happy. Regardless on the fall out for the rest of us. The ultimate selfish act. Like my father they too will make their own opinions based on their actions. One that has life long consequences no matter how lovely you are and how happy he is. The children will feel betrayed and will remember how this made them feel.

It will be interesting to see how it all pans out.

Will we read about how the ex wife has further poisoned the children against their devoted, wonderful father by not keeping his dirty little secret to herself? Baaaaaaad ex wife.

Will all the “best sex either have ever had” result in a shock” pregnancy? (OP has said children are on the agenda, but a looooong way off, so by OP’s clock, I expect the arrival of the twins in early June)

Will DD officially adopt the DP so as to no longer have to formally invite him to dinner, while OP beams with pride at how DD is so accepting of mummy’s narc tendencies and approves of the fuckwits she inflicts on her by chance.

Or will it all go arse up and OP skips off back the land of California without DD as was the back up plan in January?

Whatever happens I’m sure OP will be in no way to blame.

Well my mom keeps going on about how I should just pack my bags. No I'm not pregnant.... And well at least he has regular days/hours with his DD which is always great :)

I look forward to when he leaves you and goes back to his ex when contact goes up shit creek.

I doubt she'd take him back given all that has been said or that he would take her back given all that has been said/done. And if that was the case well , California has lovely weather all year long :)

Doesn't matter what a mediator said. The children's mother has decided what's best for them.
Personally I think she's done the right thing.
Why lie and hide the fact.
You seem utterly deluded.

My DM split with my DF and is now married to the man she was having an affair with. I was very angry for a long time. I was 21 when it all happened which didn't make it any easier and it took me years. My DF's new wife has actually been more of an issue even though they didn't meet until after the divorce.

I gradually came round. But the bit that's made it finally slot into place is how my DM's DH is with my DD. He's Grandpa and one of her favourite people. So that's really helped.

Um, yeah. Because no kid ever tells a manipulative parent what the kid thinks the parent wants to hear as part of a desperate hope for some kind of security and stability. Said no therapist, ever.

Thanks puppy that's exactly the type of example I was looking for.amd it gives me some hope. Originally both his kids technically rejected him... And his answer was always the same one...So I really don't think think that would change anything.

He does care about them but they're also just repeating what they hear at home. His ex just kept shouting over the phone how the only way to fix everything he had done was to leave me. So his DS repeats exactly the same thing over and over. Its the only think she'll talk about (apparently) and it's fair enough it's still too raw. Leaving me makes no difference, the cheating happened there's no way to erase that full stop.

No, if he cared about them he wouldn’t have gone off with you and also forced the relationship on them despite them repeatedly asking him not to.

They are not repeating what they’ve heard at home, they have been betrayed by their father independently of his betrayal of their mother. He has hurt them, deeply, and he needs to recognise that.

I also find your determination to paint his wife as bitter, unreasonable, unfair to the children and angry very distasteful. Given that your man has no regard for his children, is putting a relationship with you over their happiness and thinks it’s worth putting a partner above them in terms of his priorities you have an absolute cheek to insinuate that she is a poor parent. I also don’t believe a word of what you’re saying about her, that’s you trying to justify your disgusting behaviour.

So you carry on as you are not that you would do anything else because you’re both selfish beyond belief, but don’t expect these children to fall in line and join your ridiculous fantasy. Because they deserve to be heard, their feelings matter and are important, and they have the right to an actively involved father, not some kind of cardboard cut out pretend dad.

It’s also worth bearing in mind while dismissing the very real distress you’ve both caused his children, that they won’t be small forever. One day they may choose to let you both know the impact of your actions, and it won’t be so easy to just dismiss an adult. So think on that.

H actually has never actively forced our relationship with them. They've (and by this his DS) asked him to leave he said no and explained his reasons. He's never even once said you'll have to meet.her or anything like that.