Use of name

[Cassiemum]

So I want to start saying I know no one can own a name but my DH divorced his ex some 21 years ago, after a brief marriage. I came on the scene a year later. She kept his name because of the children and them being young. Fine get that. A few years later she got married again and she took his name. When they divorced the ex went back to DH surname....kids now teenagers by this time and thought themselves that this was somewhat off.
Ex then had another relationship and had 2 children by that man...didn’t marry. It has come to our attention a year or so ago she was encouraging them to use my DH surname instead of their actual father...now social media keeps reminding us these children are openly and blatantly calling themselves by my DH surname. Further 2 years ago she moved to the same town as us after applying for a job in our area but lying to family that she wasn’t aware where the job would be...the job advert clearly said! I joke that she is our own personal stalker ....she once told me that when she saw a picture of my kitchen she went straight online to see how she could get one like mine!
Now there is going to be a situation in the future that we will all be at for sake of my step son and I am conscious that the organisation will have been told these children’s surname is ours and assumptions may be made that they are my DH children! I have said I will say something to her but my DH doesn’t feel it would be the right time but I have said I would take her on one side to ask her why she is giving her children false identities? Do you think I should? I keep hoping to see her in the supermarket to confront her !

OP I don’t know if it’s easier to just side step the issue? If EW does want to keep the name to feel connected to your DP, it’s annoying but it’s also not a great reflection of her as a person with her own identity. That’s her stuff to deal with, not you. So what if she keeps it. She’s not with him.

I used to get annoyed with DPs EW as it was her way of saying to me ‘he’s still my husband.’ Except he’s not. Never will be. It did make me wonder if I wanted to take his name and marry a few years ago.

It was one reason why we decided our child should have my name. He’s still very much DPs who has never, ever had an issue with having a different name to his son, no one questions it, their love and bond is just as close.

So the EW can keep the bloody name as far as I’m concerned!

Oddly similar name thing happened to a friend of mine. She married young, took his name (let’s say “Jones” and they had a DC. Divorced 3 years later. She kept the jones surname. She then 6 years later had a one night stand with some guy, got pregnant . Had DC and called it jones (like her and her DC1). DC2s Dad sees him regularly and I have no idea of his opinion that his DC has jones as surname rather than his own.

I think it’s fine. Trying to keep the same surname for all kids while not making one feel “outside” by having a different name.

My DS has 2 children with different fathers and double barrelled the first DCs name to add both her new married name and her old one. It’s ridiculously long and he only uses one at school for ease (coincidentally the new husband, his step dads surname!)

She married young, took his name (let’s say “Jones” and they had a DC. Divorced 3 years later. She kept the jones surname. She then 6 years later had a one night stand with some guy, got pregnant . Had DC and called it jones (like her and her DC1). DC2s Dad sees him regularly and I have no idea of his opinion that his DC has jones as surname rather than his own

So the woman gave her own child her own name. And not the name of the random man she had a ONS with .

Gosh what a surprise.

There are no limits to male entitlement ( and that of their handmaidens) are there ?

I very much doubt that she is using it to kerp a connection to her exh. He probably didn't feature at all in her thought process - much more likely that she just wants all her kids to feel like one unit and for no one to feel outside of that.

MakingDinner if you want to talk about respect for other women, it would be nice if there was some for the women who are just going about their lives, using their names.

It's stupid to get so hung up on a name. My fil has his step dad's name, because his bio dad died and his step dad was his father in every way - does the lack of biological link mean my fil has no right to that name and therefore neither does my dh, who has had it since birth? Of course not. What about families where a child has been adopted?
Given that quite a few men are unknowingly raising dc that are not biologically theirs and have throughout history, link to names is tenuous. I think that going forward it would be more accurate if dc had their mother's name, no matter where she got it from!

If I had taken my exh's name & kept it post divorce & if his dp was also to take his name on marriage there would be two Mrs. Exh in my kids school for eg. & I just think that sort of stuff is really confusing for everyone involved

How though? Surely this is no different to if your DH has a sister in law whose kids are also at the same school? There would still be two Mrs ExH's at the school.

DP's ex kept her married name and goes by (for simplicity sake) Mrs CurlyRover. If we were married I would be Mrs Curly. DP's sister in law also goes by Mrs Curly and if his other brother had also married the mother of his DC, she'd also be Mrs Curly. If we all lived in the same area and all had DC going to the same school, there'd be four Mrs Curly's at the school.

Tbh I can't see how this is any different really. Nobody would think DP's nieces and nephews were his nor would they think his DD were his sister in law's child just because they all share the same surname.

Oops sorry. They should also be Mrs Curly.

iwanna I don't disrespect them - if they want to do that fine. I do find it a bit strange but its a name like I said take no notice...