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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Use of name

182 replies

Cassiemum · 09/04/2018 16:19

So I want to start saying I know no one can own a name but my DH divorced his ex some 21 years ago, after a brief marriage. I came on the scene a year later. She kept his name because of the children and them being young. Fine get that. A few years later she got married again and she took his name. When they divorced the ex went back to DH surname....kids now teenagers by this time and thought themselves that this was somewhat off.
Ex then had another relationship and had 2 children by that man...didn’t marry. It has come to our attention a year or so ago she was encouraging them to use my DH surname instead of their actual father...now social media keeps reminding us these children are openly and blatantly calling themselves by my DH surname. Further 2 years ago she moved to the same town as us after applying for a job in our area but lying to family that she wasn’t aware where the job would be...the job advert clearly said! I joke that she is our own personal stalker ....she once told me that when she saw a picture of my kitchen she went straight online to see how she could get one like mine!
Now there is going to be a situation in the future that we will all be at for sake of my step son and I am conscious that the organisation will have been told these children’s surname is ours and assumptions may be made that they are my DH children! I have said I will say something to her but my DH doesn’t feel it would be the right time but I have said I would take her on one side to ask her why she is giving her children false identities? Do you think I should? I keep hoping to see her in the supermarket to confront her !

OP posts:

ArnoldBee · 09/04/2018 22:46

So my friend and her daughter changed their surname when the mother got married for 8 months 35 years ago. They both kept this surname as it sounded so much better. The daughter us having a child who will also have this surname.

Candlelights · 09/04/2018 23:03

Magda you can change your name to anything you want. There's nothing illegal in doing so (unless you do so for fraud). Changing back to your maiden name on divorce is exactly the same process as changing back to your (own!) previous married name.

Do people really think a surname is owned by a man to be "given" to a women on marriage and taken back afterwards? Because it was never really hers right?

moodance · 09/04/2018 23:03

If it grates your DP that much why doesn't he change his name to yours?!

Sorry I really don't get the fuss of the ex wanting all the children to have the same name .... she should of thought about that when she pushed them out. I think it's odd the two DC don't have the same surname as the biological dad.

Queenofthedrivensnow · 09/04/2018 23:05

How precious. I haven't reverted to my maiden name. Exh has another child with someone else who he isn't married to. They are still arguing over the surname of the child since apparently it can't just have exh surname. I much prefer my married name it's very generic and I'm not having a different name to the kids. It has little relevance exh for me

Winosaurus · 09/04/2018 23:11

@ButternutCrinkleFries but she was happy to change her own name since then so it seems illogical? She was content not having the same name as her children at that point, but then reverted back to it upon divorce? Surely by the logic of some of these previous posters then that became the name that belonged to her when she remarried?
I think giving subsequent children the surname of the husband you had 2 marriages previously who is totally unrelated to them, after having had changed your own name in the meantime is bizarre.
Sorry, but it is!
It’s linking them to a man that is not their father.
I would sooner hyphenate children’s surnames to give them a familial link.

BertieBeats · 09/04/2018 23:16

Similar situation here. Partner and his ex wife were together 15 years ,married 10 of them. When they divorced she kept his surname ,and gave the children she had with different father's that surname. I assume she wanted all her children to have the same surname (she has children with partner ) ,herself included. Also , she's built a life with partners surname as she'd had it since she was 19.

BertieBeats · 09/04/2018 23:25

Sorry ,forgot to add ,that it doesn't bother me. At the beginning ,and when I was younger, it did a little but now I can see where she's coming from ,and would probably have done the same.

Heartofglass12345 · 09/04/2018 23:31

I did this when I was younger, I wanted the same surname as my sisters who had a different dad to me, so I changed it to theirs (I did already have a birth certificate with that name on as my dad wasn't around at first) I'm not sure what name my mum had at the time, she had divorced my dad by then so not sure if she kept his name or not, i don't think she went back to her maiden name though. Personally I think is weird to keep the name of a man you aren't married to anymore, why would you want to be associated with him if you don't want to be married to him anymore?!
I love it on here when people say there's absolutely nothing wrong or weird about these kind of posts, it is clearly very weird, especially if she's living near you, and her kids have a dad of their own! They should have his name and she should go back to her maiden name!

Magda72 · 09/04/2018 23:59

@Winosaurus,
It’s linking them to a man that is not their father.
This!
@Candlelights - I personally don't think anyone (man or woman) should change their name when they get married. For me my full birth name is part of my identity & links me back to my parents - the very people who gave me my name - it makes no sense to me to take on a husbands name & I've always kept my own name but I'm aware that's just my opinion.

I've no problem with my kids having my exh's surname but do wish I'd double barreled it for legal reasons - travel etc.
I LOVE having my own surname. My exh, my kids, his other kids & his dp (when they get married) will all share the one name, & my dp, his kids & his ex all share the one name. I like being the lone wolf & for me my name keeps me 'me' in all the craziness that is blended families 😊.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 10/04/2018 00:02

@heart I know I would not want my Exes surname!
@magda wow your DPs Ex does not want to let go...

I know that for many women it becomes their name and their children’s name. I get that.

It’s really interesting that it’s very rarely bought out into the open. Your name is important. Taking a mans name does have a symbolic meaning too, taking on your husbands identity in some regards. Obviously there’s a whole big debate there!

But some women really do feel that they still have a husband, that they still belong to him. DPS EW does and that is definitely why she clings onto his name. Once at an event someone called me Mrs DP by mistake, she overheard and came up to me to complain!

OP is in a tricky position as there’s nothing she can do. It is annoying as hell, but she’s taking on a name of someone who doesn’t want to be with her anymore. So she’s just exposing her neediness really.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 10/04/2018 00:06

@magda & @candlelights totally agree and me too! I’ve kept my surname and my kids have mine too. It makes me feel pretty good to always be me.

Sorry nothing against anyone who would change. I can see the pros of being a family unit too.

RepealMay25th · 10/04/2018 00:07

The way i see it she gave up the right to call her self by her first husbands name when she married again and took her second husbands name. If she didn’t want to keep his name go back to her maiden name

But why should she, or anyone else, care what you think about it?

Schmonday · 10/04/2018 00:16

I know everyone is saying it's none of your business but I agree with you - it's just so weird! Why would anyone choose to divorce someone and go back to the surname of their other ex husband?

Winosaurus · 10/04/2018 00:19

I know everyone is saying it's none of your business but I agree with you - it's just so weird! Why would anyone choose to divorce someone and go back to the surname of their other ex husband?
This. And then call children unrelated to that exH by his name.
It’s so fucking weird

CurlyRover · 10/04/2018 00:20

I can see why this would bother you. It would've bothered me too in the past. But... it is just a name. Does it really matter if people make assumptions? Let them. Pick your battles - there are enough of them in the land of blended families.

CurlyRover · 10/04/2018 00:21

Also just to add - I agree it is fucking weird. But do you really have the energy to fight this? I know I don't anymore.

Winosaurus · 10/04/2018 00:23

Does it really matter if people make assumptions? Let them.
See it would definitely bother me if people were assuming these kids were my DP/DH’s.
What if you’d been with your DP 10 years and ExW has a 10yo unrelated child with his surname that people assumed was his. People then can make unpleasant assumptions about you or the circumstances of your relationship.
That may not bother some people but it would sure as hell bother me

Winosaurus · 10/04/2018 00:31

Also just to add... my uncle’s ExW kept his surname and named her later child my uncle’s surname.
She tried to claim CSA (major CFuckery!) and when questioned “And how do you know that DC is not your child?” My uncle replied “Well apart from the fact we haven’t had sex is 6 years... he’s also black” 😂
It’s laughable really, but if it wasn’t for such an obvious flaw in her plan it could have resulted in my uncle having to pay for DNA testing etc to prove he was not the biological father.

reddressblueshoes · 10/04/2018 08:19

It is HER name.

This is why I will never change my name. Because if I do; people would view it as some kind of benevolent gift bestowed by my husband he could take back.

The woman has had two failed marriages, and changed her name twice. I can understand why she has no interest in changing her name a third time, or marrying her name a third time. I understand why she initially reverted to the same name as her children, then decided to give her new children that name.

It's reasonable to assume she's been known
By that name more of her adult life than not.

I think you really need to rethink your assumption that somehow this name 'belongs' to your DH- and in general,
Men who agree with their wives taking their name should accept that this could be the outcome. A name (can be) for life, not just the duration of a marriage.

Magda72 · 10/04/2018 08:39

@reddressblueshoes - I get your point to an extent but I'm still at a loss to understand why an assumed name would feel more natural than the name a person grew up with. Especially post divorce.
I genuinely don't get it.
My dps exw still calls herself Mrs. Dp's name - I think that's so bizarre.

Wdigin2this · 10/04/2018 08:47

The first bit I get, I kept my married name so that it would be the same as my DC, but I changed it when I remarried. If (god forbid) this marriage failed, I'd go back to my maiden name, not my ex-h's.

MagicFajita · 10/04/2018 08:54

I do also agree that it's strange but if it's what she wants then it's none of your business.

A friend has dc with her exh and when she had another child (dad not around) , she gave that child exh's name as she was living with her married name still and didn't want her kids to have different surnames.

Magda72 · 10/04/2018 08:55

Exactly @Wdigin2this - why did she choose to revert to an exh's name & not her maiden name?

welshgirlwannabe · 10/04/2018 09:04

All of this vying over who 'owns' a name and therefore belongs to some man is bullshit. Patriarchal bullshit. Don't buy into it!

I married young and changed my name. We divorced soon after but I wanted the same surname as my child. I've kept that name even into a new relationship ship and another child, who also has that name. MY name. And my kids names. It belongs to no man, I own it now

Habing said that my partner and I are getting married soon and we're both changing our surnames. We're double barrelling. If we ever were to split he can do what he likes with my half!!

SoupDragon · 10/04/2018 09:13

why did she choose to revert to an exh's name & not her maiden name?

Because she wanted to. I would never revert to my maiden name as it rhymed.

On a side note, I sincerely hope the fact that I didn’t change my name back on divorce pisses off my XHs current shag as much as it seems to piss off some posters here. It would be a nice bonus.

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