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Original poster

Use of name

182 replies

Cassiemum · 09/04/2018 16:19

So I want to start saying I know no one can own a name but my DH divorced his ex some 21 years ago, after a brief marriage. I came on the scene a year later. She kept his name because of the children and them being young. Fine get that. A few years later she got married again and she took his name. When they divorced the ex went back to DH surname....kids now teenagers by this time and thought themselves that this was somewhat off.
Ex then had another relationship and had 2 children by that man...didn’t marry. It has come to our attention a year or so ago she was encouraging them to use my DH surname instead of their actual father...now social media keeps reminding us these children are openly and blatantly calling themselves by my DH surname. Further 2 years ago she moved to the same town as us after applying for a job in our area but lying to family that she wasn’t aware where the job would be...the job advert clearly said! I joke that she is our own personal stalker ....she once told me that when she saw a picture of my kitchen she went straight online to see how she could get one like mine!
Now there is going to be a situation in the future that we will all be at for sake of my step son and I am conscious that the organisation will have been told these children’s surname is ours and assumptions may be made that they are my DH children! I have said I will say something to her but my DH doesn’t feel it would be the right time but I have said I would take her on one side to ask her why she is giving her children false identities? Do you think I should? I keep hoping to see her in the supermarket to confront her !

OP posts:
Magda72 · 11/04/2018 10:31

Very good post @Katara. I've experienced all of that while married as I didn't use my husbands name & still now that I'm divorced.
The irony is if I were to take my dp's name when we get married (I won't) I could travel with his kids and no one would bat an eyelid as I would share their surname, but I'd still have to jump through hoops traveling with my own kids.
Personally I think all kids passports should record the mother's maiden name therefore if the mum goes by her maiden name (& the kids don't) her passport will link in with those of her kids.
Taking you're husbands name is a personal choice but times have changed and separation/divorce really does confuse everything.
Again, if I was to take dp's name on marriage there would be two Mrs. Dp out there (as his exw still uses that name) which personally would make me feel like a Mormon wife lol!
You're right, the laws are very patriarchal & probably need to be revised.

DownWithThatSortofTing · 11/04/2018 10:59

@downwithtgatsortofthing - my opinion isn’t wrong. Look up the word opinion, it’s a persons view or judgement formed, not necessarily based on fact

It is though. Categorically wrong. I can tell you that its my opinion that the sky is orange, but I would be wrong. You said a woman doesn't own her married name after divorce, and you are wrong. Factually incorrect, ie wrong.

DownWithThatSortofTing · 11/04/2018 11:01

Until you get stopped at immigration and asked for every document relating to their birth, residence with you and letter of permission from their father. Until people make judgements based on the different surnames. You get called Mrs X every time someone rings to talk about your child (school etc). If you were married to Mr X and your children are Children Xs, you will be Mrs X in many people’s minds

I've only ever heard of these things on MN. I have travelled hundreds of times with my children who have their fathers name, never been asked for a single piece of paper, nor a question. Nobody from my childs schools have ever called me Mrs X, why would they when they know my name? Same for anyone else.

DownWithThatSortofTing · 11/04/2018 11:02

And I don't know anyone who has ever been asked either. Isnt it a bit of a myth about airports?

OfficerVanHalen · 11/04/2018 11:17

she can call herself what she likes, and you can think whatever you like about it, that she's over involved, hasn't moved on etc etc, but by the same token be aware that people may be looking at you and the fuss you're making about it, deciding she's a stalker based on her complimenting your kitchen, stirring the pot between her children by bitching with her eldest two about the surnames of the younger ones, worrying about what randoms will think and so forth, and draw their own conclusions that it's you that's a bit overinvolved with her life and not vice versa, just saying.

pinkyredrose · 11/04/2018 12:19

What officer said

Candlelights · 11/04/2018 13:20

downwith I've had calls from schools and GPs asking for Mrs DC's surname. The most that's ever happened at immigration is the DC being asked who I am. It's not been a huge problem, but I can understand why a woman might decide that the surname she's had for most of her adult life and shares with her children is hers to use as she wishes, and to bestow on future children too.

Willyoujustbequiet · 11/04/2018 13:50

She owns that name as much as your husband does. Sorry OP but it's absolutely none of your business.

Katara · 11/04/2018 14:29

downwith your post is bizarre - my examples were from my RL, so how can it be a ‘mumsnet thing’? There was an article about it in the paper recently as someone got stopped and their husband phoned by immigration.

Immigration ask questions in a number of ways and always directed politely at the children - starting by asking where they have travelled, who they are travelling with and so on. They have been asked their names and if I am their mother. I have been asked (travelling domestically) why I have a different name and why I was not wearing a wedding ring... and told I should be carrying birth certificates. I did tell the official that I could tell him my life story if it would help.

I know if a phone call is about the children as it usually starts ‘Hello, is that Mrs X?’ - not ‘hello, please may I speak to Katara Y’

I assure you my experiences are quite real.

Katara · 11/04/2018 14:32

And a woman IS legally entitled to keep her married name after divorce, that is not an opinion, it is the law.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 11/04/2018 14:41

I have travelled by air a lot on my own with my own kids, kids friends and step kids. It’s definitely overplayed the issues of not having the kids surname. I never once got stopped and asked.

It’s interesting that we as women still buy into the patriarchy or having the family name as the husbands. It’s a choice but still chosen by most women. I think that there can be an underlying emotional reason for this, which is why the OP has reacted. It can be a woman feeling like she is not only part of her children’s family, but her husbands. That this continues after divorce can be about wanting to keep part of her ex husband.

pickleface · 11/04/2018 14:49

Myself and dh split 4 years ago. I kept my married name and have no intention of changing it. Its who I am and a very significant part of my life. Plus my maiden name is awful. If his new partner had a problem with it to the point she had words with me I'd tell her exactly where to go.

Magda72 · 11/04/2018 14:54

I'm stopped every time I travel with my kids & have to carry birth certs with me everywhere 🙄 - but as this thread has demonstrated Irish law v different to UK law.
According to a Spanish friend of mine most people in Spain are double barreled (legally on birth certificates) with both parents names. When in adulthood most people then choose one part of the double barreled name to bring to a marriage &/or to pass on to their kids. For the most part women choose to carry on the maternal part of their surname & men carry on the paternal part.
Kinda makes sense.

M0RVEN · 11/04/2018 15:03

I feel quite sorry for the woman the Op refers to. She has been known by they same surname for, what , 20 out of the last 25 years. And yet the Op seems to think it’s not “ her name “.

How bizarre. What do women have to do to actually get Ownership of their own identity ?

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 11/04/2018 15:07

Interesting about Spain! I like that.

In France a man can demand that his ex wife stop using his name on divorce. ( I think!)

I guess it comes originally from the need to make sure that the man stuck around and makes his offspring legitimately his. For a woman it’s obvious as she gives birth to them.

I do think that sense of wanting to be still connected family wise, cared for, carried on after divorce and is reflected by keeping the Ex Husbands family name. Not all women, but significantly more than I realised. My DPs EW has a strong need to be part of DPs family, to belong to him and be supported by him still. And he does! I think it works to an extent.

I rarely, if ever, see a man say that he didn’t like his maiden name!

mustresistwine · 11/04/2018 17:47

I kept my married name (same as my dc) when I divorced after 20+ years

I am now getting married again & DP is taking my surname which has raised a few eyebrows Grin

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 11/04/2018 21:33

@mustresist that’s brilliant!

Pleasebeafleabite · 11/04/2018 21:34

I was stopped going into spain due to having a different surname to my DD ehich took time to sort out

Have just got divorced and am keeping my married name because

*i will share surname with my dc
*i like it better than my maiden name

Pleasebeafleabite · 11/04/2018 21:41

Posted too soon

*no questions at work re why I am changing my name
*the name change paperwork was such a headache when I got married I can’t face unravelling it all
*its been my name for ten years
*right number of syllables for my christian name

None of the above have anything to do with failing to accept i am actually divorced

I could go on

OP you say she changed to her new OH’s name then back again but unless you are party to her personal papers you dont know the extent to which she actually adopted that name other than being known by it

Its a real pain in the arse changing names around maybe for her it was easier to revert to ghe previous name and you are reading way too much into it

FluffyMcCloud · 11/04/2018 21:46

Surnames aren’t owned by men! When she changed her surname to the same as your DHs surname, it became her name. It wasn’t just lent to her by the owner of the name. IT WAS HER NAME. She changed it, then changed it back. She doesn’t have to return the surname to its rightful male owner. It. Is. Her. Name. That’s allowed, you know, for women to feel ownership of their own name...

welshgirlwannabe · 11/04/2018 22:45

katara this is why I have the same name as my children. This is also presumably why the woman in question wants to keep HER name - the same name as her children.

Just out of interest, why did you give your children a different name to yourself? If I've understood your post, your ex husband and children are all surname x and you stayed surname y. Why not have the kids be surname y as well??

Katara · 11/04/2018 23:11

My children have their father’s name as is (patriarchal) convention and he is very much about convention, he quite simply would not have countenanced an alternative. I did not take his name and have never used it. Hence, I have a different surname from my children. It’s surely not unusual.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 12/04/2018 00:14

I know @katara I’ve actually come across far more questions as to why I did not take my Exes name, in contrast those who take a man’s name are rarely quizzed.

SandyY2K · 12/04/2018 23:19

A friend of my mums got divorced and her Ex demanded she changed her surname. She said no, until he came shouting at her place of work that she was no longer Mrs X as he had divorced her.

As he was a physically abusive man, and her employers didnt want his trouble ...she agreed to revert to her maiden name.

They had 4 DC and he walked on them all. This was about 48 years ago and he hasn't seen any of the kids since. Of course they're not kids now.

It reminds me if Ike Turner who demanded and took Tina Turner to court because she refused to revert to her maiden name.

She had suffered physical abuse at his hands and left everything behind...she fought to keep the name that she gained her fame it. The judge agreed she could keep the name and Ike Turner was furious.

SandyY2K · 12/04/2018 23:28

How does it work with same sex couples then?

It varies. I've known each of the following with same sex couples.

1.Both double barrel

  1. Both retain their own surnames
  2. Go with one surname