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Original poster

Use of name

182 replies

Cassiemum · 09/04/2018 16:19

So I want to start saying I know no one can own a name but my DH divorced his ex some 21 years ago, after a brief marriage. I came on the scene a year later. She kept his name because of the children and them being young. Fine get that. A few years later she got married again and she took his name. When they divorced the ex went back to DH surname....kids now teenagers by this time and thought themselves that this was somewhat off.
Ex then had another relationship and had 2 children by that man...didn’t marry. It has come to our attention a year or so ago she was encouraging them to use my DH surname instead of their actual father...now social media keeps reminding us these children are openly and blatantly calling themselves by my DH surname. Further 2 years ago she moved to the same town as us after applying for a job in our area but lying to family that she wasn’t aware where the job would be...the job advert clearly said! I joke that she is our own personal stalker ....she once told me that when she saw a picture of my kitchen she went straight online to see how she could get one like mine!
Now there is going to be a situation in the future that we will all be at for sake of my step son and I am conscious that the organisation will have been told these children’s surname is ours and assumptions may be made that they are my DH children! I have said I will say something to her but my DH doesn’t feel it would be the right time but I have said I would take her on one side to ask her why she is giving her children false identities? Do you think I should? I keep hoping to see her in the supermarket to confront her !

OP posts:
reddressblueshoes · 10/04/2018 09:20

Lets think it through. You're Jane Smith, you move away to uni, meet someone, get married at 23, become Jane Brown. Move to a new town, have a couple of kids. It all goes to hell and you divorce at 28. Keep the same name as the children. Meet other school mums, friends from work, etc. At 33 you remarry, change your name to Jane Newhusbandsname, then that fails after five years.

By this point you'd been Jane Brown for 10 years, and Jane Newhusbandsname for 5. Your kids are the Browns, some people at school still assume you're a Brown because of them, most people who know you as Newhusbandsname knew you first as Jane Brown and literally nobody in this town has ever heard of Jane Smith.

So... why wouldn't you just go back to being Jane Brown? Then, with a new partner, well you've bloody well learnt your lesson from messing about and name changing, not to mention the pain of going to the school and being a different name to your kids, so you are a) never going to get married again and b) never going to agree to have your children have a different name to you again. Its possible if you could have your time over you would have stayed Jane Smith from the start, and pushed for the kids of be Smith-Browns or just Smiths, but you didn't so you have to work with what you have.

As I say, in my scenario, I haven't changed my name, neither has my husband and our children will be double-barrelled. But if I was Jane Smith originally in the situation above, I think I'd probably end up where she has.

SleepingStandingUp · 10/04/2018 09:25

So are they registered under their fathers name or your partners name? It seems odd their birth cert says Smith but they go by Jones. School etc would surely want the birth cert name.

Why do you follow these kids on social media if it annoys you so much? Just block them.

How on earth does their half sibling having their surname devalue that name or devalue their fathers position as their father. I'm guessing they're late teens or older now. They need to be shown a grip and given it.

RepealMay25th · 10/04/2018 09:28

why did she choose to revert to an exh's name & not her maiden name

When they married she changed her name to his, he was happy with that, so was society. From that point it was HER name as much as his. If she wanted to use it at any point in her life, its her's to use, not just his. If she wanted to use it and then give it to her children, it is HER name to give to them.

Men can't have it both ways, can't have their women change their names for them and then try and claim the name back in the divorce. He gave her his name, she now owns it as much as he does.

MargaretCavendish · 10/04/2018 09:29

I think I might bookmark this thread for the next thread in which posters queue up to tell women who don't want to take their husband's name that they're being silly, that names don't matter, that it's not his name it's your family name, and that it's absolutely vital to have the same name as your children. Here it seems that you don't even take your husband's name - you temporarily borrow it until he decides you should give it back.

RepealMay25th · 10/04/2018 09:31

he next thread in which posters queue up to tell women who don't want to take their husband's name that they're being silly

That never happens. In fact its the opposite, women being told how stupid and anti feminist they are for changing their names. Hmm

MargaretCavendish · 10/04/2018 09:36

I think we've been reading different threads, because I've been on multiple threads in which women who don't like being addressed by a name that isn't theirs get told to get over it and where women go on about what an important sign of commitment it is to all have the same name (which, of course, just happens to be his because in an extraordinary coincidence it turns out almost all women hate their maiden name but almost no men do).

In any case, we certainly live in the same world, one where 80% of women in the UK still change their name, so let's not pretend you're a beleaguered minority.

RepealMay25th · 10/04/2018 09:38

Who's "you" in the minority?

Magda72 · 10/04/2018 09:41

@RepealMay25th - fine. But this woman has been married twice & changed her name BOTH times so why chose that name?
If she's changed her name twice she can't be that bothered about surnames so if she's chosen one name over another it's to make a point! She obviously wasn't bothered about not sharing the same name as her kids when she changed it to her second husbands name Confused.

RepealMay25th · 10/04/2018 09:43

Doesn't make the slightest difference if she's been married 20 times and changed her name each time. Every one of those names would belong to her and she can take her pick.

Ophelialovescats · 10/04/2018 09:47

Dear OP, we can use whatever name we want to, but unless you actually change it by deed poll, it is an assumed name . The only name that's significant is the name your parent put on your birth certificate.
You would be wise to use your own, original name and let go of all this nonsense.

RepealMay25th · 10/04/2018 09:49

Dear OP, we can use whatever name we want to, but unless you actually change it by deed poll, it is an assumed name . The only name that's significant is the name your parent put on your birth certificate

Wrong. When you marry you legally become your spouses name should you choose to. It is not an assumed name, it is your true legal name.

Magda72 · 10/04/2018 09:55

@Ophelialovescats - that's exactly my point.
@RepealMay25th - all that's fine but this woman was married briefly to the OP's dh over 21 years ago!!! It's not like they divorced a few years ago! To revert back to THAT particular name & to get subsequent children who are not part of that family to use that name is definitely making a point.
I'd hazard a guess that she's not 'legally' Mrs. OP's dh & nor are her last two children as per what @Ophelialovescats says. She can call herself Mrs. Man in the Moon if she wants but that doesn't mean she IS Mrs. Man in the Moon!

Magda72 · 10/04/2018 09:57

Sorry about the bold! 🙄

Ophelialovescats · 10/04/2018 10:00

Repeal ( great username, btw) I have been legally married for 20 years and use my own name, so , no, I am not Mrs DH !

Magda72 · 10/04/2018 10:00

Wrong. When you marry you legally become your spouses name should you choose to. It is not an assumed name, it is your true legal name.
And when you remarry THAT becomes your true legal name if you choose.

Therefore you have to make a conscious & deliberate decision to legally revert back to an exh's name!

Ophelialovescats · 10/04/2018 10:03

I made no change to my name on marriage , so how can it be legally mine ?
Our daughters' name is both ours , with mine first . Two of them use my name only because they can't be bothered with two names .

RepealMay25th · 10/04/2018 10:04

Doesn't make any difference! Not sure how much clearer I can be: once a man gives a women his name, its hers. If they were married for a week or a month or a hundred years. Its her. She can do as she likes.

RepealMay25th · 10/04/2018 10:04

I made no change to my name on marriage , so how can it be legally mine
I said IF YOU CHOOSE.

italiancortado · 10/04/2018 10:07

Im surprised anyone cares what other people call themselves. U less you feel threatened by her, because that's the only way I can possibly, just aout, almost seenthat this may be an issue to you.

The idea that the name belongs you your DH is making me giggle a bit. Wasn't she so lucky to be allowed the privilege of using it for a few years. How dare she revert to her previous identity, silly little woman!!!

Magda72 · 10/04/2018 10:35

@RepealMay25th - genuinely confused by this.
So, I get married & change my name legally, as in I take my marriage cert & change my name on all legal documents.
I then get divorced but hold on to my married name, legally, as is my right.
I then remarry. As I understand it I now have one of two options.
I either take my new marriage cert & change my name to my current dh's name on all my legal documents so that I am now, legally, Mrs. Current Husband, OR, I stay Mrs. Exh legally, & just refer to myself Mrs. Current Husband.
So, if I divorce my current husband & I legally never changed my name I can then revert back to using Mrs. Exh if I so choose, as legally I've always been Mrs. Exh.
However, if I divorce my current husband & I had changed my name legally to Mrs. Current Husband then even though I'm divorced I'm still legally Mrs. Current Husband & if I call myself Mrs. Exh then I'm doing so 'illegally'.
If have legally rescinded my exh's name in order to take my current husband's name but then divorce my current husband, how can I then go back and legally reclaim the name of a man to whom I'm no longer married? This is a genuine question.
It just seems to be there's a huge difference between what your legal name is and what you choose to call yourself if you see what I mean.

RepealMay25th · 10/04/2018 10:42

No, because you don't have to legally do any of those things. Just as you don't legally rescind your birth surname when you get married (you are legally either or both as you choose) so you don't legally rescind your current (and exhusbands name) to change it to a new husbands.

Magda72 · 10/04/2018 10:50

Actually I think you do. At least in Ireland. When I thought about taking my exh's name when we married I was told I needed to produce my marriage cert as evidence that I COULD change my name otherwise it was illegal. I was told this by banks, revenue, passport office etc.
When divorcing my solicitor told me I'd need to produce my divorce cert in order to change my name back to my maiden name if I had legally taken exh's name but I hadn't.

RepealMay25th · 10/04/2018 10:55

Well of course you have to produce a marriage cert to show that you are legally entitled to be known by the name! Thats just called ID.

That's not to make any legal change, its just proof. Otherwise you could walk into any bank and ask them to put a new name on your account and clearly that isn't possible.
You seem to have confused proving your identity with legal changes.

Magda72 · 10/04/2018 11:02

Eh no, legal identity is very important!
A person's first legal identity is the name on your birth cert! I can call myself Lucy but I'm still Madga whether I like it or not - until such time as I legally change it!

EasterRobin · 10/04/2018 11:05

It's probably more annoying for her than for you. I bet she wished she'd kept her maiden name and used that for all her kids.

But she didn't and now she's trying to make the best of it. Giving all her kids the same surname shows they are siblings and all part of the same family. This is important for them.

Your husband did promise to be with her until he died. So I guess they both made mistakes on that one. Leave her be, and wish her luck in doing her best to unite a blended family.