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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Use of name

182 replies

Cassiemum · 09/04/2018 16:19

So I want to start saying I know no one can own a name but my DH divorced his ex some 21 years ago, after a brief marriage. I came on the scene a year later. She kept his name because of the children and them being young. Fine get that. A few years later she got married again and she took his name. When they divorced the ex went back to DH surname....kids now teenagers by this time and thought themselves that this was somewhat off.
Ex then had another relationship and had 2 children by that man...didn’t marry. It has come to our attention a year or so ago she was encouraging them to use my DH surname instead of their actual father...now social media keeps reminding us these children are openly and blatantly calling themselves by my DH surname. Further 2 years ago she moved to the same town as us after applying for a job in our area but lying to family that she wasn’t aware where the job would be...the job advert clearly said! I joke that she is our own personal stalker ....she once told me that when she saw a picture of my kitchen she went straight online to see how she could get one like mine!
Now there is going to be a situation in the future that we will all be at for sake of my step son and I am conscious that the organisation will have been told these children’s surname is ours and assumptions may be made that they are my DH children! I have said I will say something to her but my DH doesn’t feel it would be the right time but I have said I would take her on one side to ask her why she is giving her children false identities? Do you think I should? I keep hoping to see her in the supermarket to confront her !

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 09/04/2018 16:20

It is absolutely none of your business.

sinceyouask · 09/04/2018 16:21

It's just a name, why are you giving her this space in your head?

DairyisClosed · 09/04/2018 16:23

But it's her name too. Surely she is just wanting her children to all have the same name as her?

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 09/04/2018 16:26

I can see why you are irritated, but...
She was Miss Jones, married your now DH and became Mrs DHsurname . Her /their children are Jane DHsurname and John DHsurname.
She was briefly Mrs Othersurname but reverted to Ms DHsurname after her divorce, wanting to have the same name as her children. Her subsequent children don't have your DH's surname. They have their MOTHER'S surname which is DHsurname.
I don't know why people would think children 3 and 4 are your DH's. He was married to you when they were born.

Original poster
Cassiemum · 09/04/2018 17:06

But is it? The way i see it she gave up the right to call her self by her first husbands name when she married again and took her second husbands name. If she didn’t want to keep his name go back to her maiden name. Her own children questioned why she went back to her first husbands name? And they tell me now they are uncomfortable with her using it for the younger 2 but are too afraid to mention it. Sadly they are proud of their surname and have said to me and I quote “ they feel this devalues the importance of a surname”

OP posts:
Original poster
Cassiemum · 09/04/2018 17:10

And I should add the children do have a father and his surname is on the birth certificates !

OP posts:
swingofthings · 09/04/2018 17:12

Her behaviour is very odd and understandably annoying for you but if your OH doesn't mind or doesn't think it's worth picking her up on it, I don't think it's your place to go and speak to her. In the end, she's the one making a fool of herself by doing this.

I don't really get why it bothers your SCs so much unless they really don't like their half siblings and don't want to be associated with them.

Original poster
Cassiemum · 09/04/2018 17:20

It does bother my OH and I then have him moaning at me but he has never wanted the agro as she can be a pit bull when she want and it’s upsets the SC as they adore their father and I think they feel it’s its undermining his importance in their life. They do like their step siblings just as they love our daughter but I feel like everyone moans at me but no one is prepared to confront her about it! Maybe I need to start setting her up with men so she marries again and changes her name again!!

OP posts:
ButternutCrinkleFries · 09/04/2018 17:23

She wants her children to all have the same surname as her. It’s absolutely fine and absolutely none of your business. She changed her name on marrying and it became her name. She would always revert back to it because it’s the same as her children’s, she’s unlikely to use her maiden name again.

Petalflowers · 09/04/2018 17:27

Can I understand why you are upset about the younger children having DH's sir name and the possible confusion it could cause.

However, I guess she wants all the family to,have the same surname.

TheCrystalChandelier · 09/04/2018 17:30

False identities wtf? Confused you do realise that it’s only a name, that given her name is that of her children she has the right to give subsequent children the same name if she wanted to? In fact I know someone who changed their name to that of one of the local rivers because she felt going back to her maiden name was a step backwards and she didn’t want to keep her married name after divorce. Seemed a bit strange to me but to each their own.

I wouldn’t keep someone else’s name if I had children with a different one either. And you thinking people will think her children are your dh’s sounds like insecurities on your part.

But here’s the thing, my DP was actually considering taking my eXH’s name when we got married as that’s my DCs’ name and I didn’t want to give it up, and as he grew up in care his own name has no significance to him.

Just let it go.

Dancingmonkey87 · 09/04/2018 17:36

Op they aren’t step siblings they are half siblings they are genetically linked. It’s abit odd but I wouldn’t give it any head space sounds like she wants all her dc to have the same name and idenfy as one family unit.

Queenofthedrivensnow · 09/04/2018 18:04

God get over it

Notonthestairs · 09/04/2018 18:11

So your OH is ticked off but not enough to do anything about it. And you want to correct names/people on his behalf?

Honestly I'd not give this headspace. It really won't have noticeable impact on your life.

SandyY2K · 09/04/2018 18:36

Don't say anything...because that will mean even if she was going to change their names ...she won't after you speak to her.

Regarding the identity of her other kids ... the father didn't marry her... putting him in a weak position.

She probably wants all her kids to have the same surname.

If I was You it would annoy me too ...but I know I can't do anything about it. So best to ignore her. Block her from your social media so she doesn't see your kitchen...or anything else.

Winosaurus · 09/04/2018 19:51

I do think this is rather odd... why didn’t she give her subsequent children their father’s surname?
I can see the logic in wanting your children to have the same surname but I do think it’s a bit weird that she’s given her other children a surname she gained via her first husband.
What does their father think about this?
I think in her position I wouldn’t have done it Confused

ButternutCrinkleFries · 09/04/2018 19:53

wino she gave her subsequent children her surname. Which is what a huge amount of unmarried women do.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 09/04/2018 20:00

Yes I do kind of see. My DPs EW makes a huge thing about still having his surname. She calls herself the xxx family and sends cards to DPs family from ‘the xxx fsmily’

She’s definitely making a point. ‘I still belong to DP’

She also persuaded her daughter and her grandchild (from a previous relationship not DPs) to take on DPs surname.

It used to grate me but now I just find it pathetic

user1493413286 · 09/04/2018 20:05

It sounds more like she just wants all her children and herself to have the same surname than wanting to get at you.
At the event you mention you can tell people that they’re aren’t your husbands children if it feels important to you

Candlelights · 09/04/2018 21:22

I imagine she's thinking that if you get married and changed your name, then it becomes your name. The name your're refering to as "DH's name" became hers just as much as it's his, from the day they were married. So she's as much right to call her future children by it as your DH has for any future children he has. She may feel that her maiden name stopped being her name so long ago that it's not part of her identity any more. Or that she doesn't want to make her - already complicated - family any more mixed up by adding another surname into the mix.

People may or may not make all kinds of incorrect assumptions about step families based on surnames. I wouldn't let it worry you. Ours is as complicated as any, and then SIL went and married someone who coincidentally has the same surname as my maiden name!

GaraMedouar · 09/04/2018 21:27

It is not her ex’s name, it is her name. Which all her kids have.

Ember12 · 09/04/2018 22:23

What could you possibly say to her? Its her name just as much as it is your husbands, maybe she just wants all her children to have the same surname.

TheDinosaurRoars · 09/04/2018 22:27

It has come to our attention a year or so ago she was encouraging them to use my DH surname instead of their actual father.

No, she was encouraging them to use HER surname. As she wanted the same surname as her children, I think it stands to reason she kept it when she divorced the second time. Maybe if she and your DP had daughters and they had married and changed their own surnames (if they had chosen to do so) by the time she divorced the second time, she might not have reverted back to the surname she shares with your DP.

Magda72 · 09/04/2018 22:37

Well I'm going against the grain here & saying that I'm with op 100%. It's crazy behaviour. If I were OP's dh I'd be fuming & if I were the younger kids' father I'd also be fuming.
For those saying it's only a name - it's not. Our names are how we present ourselves to the world & are very personal & speak as to how we identify ourselves, & this woman is definitely making a point imo; she sees herself & all her kids as the X family which is very unfair on the OP's dp as she and her other kids are most definitely not his family.
@Cassiemum I think it's awful for you to have to stomach this.
My dp's ex changed her name to his a few months before their divorce was granted despite never having used it prior to divorce proceedings. Dp was fuming as she definitely did it to keep her foot in so to speak. She'd never been bothered about not sharing the same name as her kids before this.
Btw do you use your dh's name or did you keep your maiden name?

Magda72 · 09/04/2018 22:41

Btw if she remarried after divorcing your dh & legally changed her name to her new husbands how was she let revert back to your dh's name as she had also divorced him & rescinded his name?
Is she using your dh's name illegally?
If so that's even worse!

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