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Original poster

Use of name

182 replies

Cassiemum · 09/04/2018 16:19

So I want to start saying I know no one can own a name but my DH divorced his ex some 21 years ago, after a brief marriage. I came on the scene a year later. She kept his name because of the children and them being young. Fine get that. A few years later she got married again and she took his name. When they divorced the ex went back to DH surname....kids now teenagers by this time and thought themselves that this was somewhat off.
Ex then had another relationship and had 2 children by that man...didn’t marry. It has come to our attention a year or so ago she was encouraging them to use my DH surname instead of their actual father...now social media keeps reminding us these children are openly and blatantly calling themselves by my DH surname. Further 2 years ago she moved to the same town as us after applying for a job in our area but lying to family that she wasn’t aware where the job would be...the job advert clearly said! I joke that she is our own personal stalker ....she once told me that when she saw a picture of my kitchen she went straight online to see how she could get one like mine!
Now there is going to be a situation in the future that we will all be at for sake of my step son and I am conscious that the organisation will have been told these children’s surname is ours and assumptions may be made that they are my DH children! I have said I will say something to her but my DH doesn’t feel it would be the right time but I have said I would take her on one side to ask her why she is giving her children false identities? Do you think I should? I keep hoping to see her in the supermarket to confront her !

OP posts:
RepealMay25th · 10/04/2018 11:05

You seem really confused. OF course legal ID is important, that is why you had to show your marriage cert at the bank to change your name.
WTF are you talking about?

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 10/04/2018 11:14

I think that men (and their subsequent wives) need to get their heads around the idea that if a woman changes her name upon marriage, it is hers, to do with as she pleases. It's not on loan!
Presumably your husband was perfectly happy having his children share his name all these years - his ex wife just wants the same situation for herself. Or would he have preferred that all her dc (inc his kids) be given her maiden name upon birth, so as to avoid children not biologically related to him from using 'his' name?

You have to understand that often a woman has been using her married name for so long that her original name doesn't feel like her anymore. Also that divorce fractures families and so sharing a name feels like a way of uniting them.

We need to move away from this outdated notion that a name belongs to a man and that his opinions are the only ones that matter.

Ophelialovescats · 10/04/2018 11:47

Repeal, my name is the name my parents gave me at birth. I can marry as many times as I like and that fact will not change .You've got the legal thing completely wrong .
I think if women just kept their names on marriage things would be a lot easier .

RepealMay25th · 10/04/2018 11:52

Repeal, my name is the name my parents gave me at birth. I can marry as many times as I like and that fact will not change .You've got the legal thing completely wrong

No you have. Your legal name is the one you got at birth. If you choose to change it on marriage, that is also your legal name. If you marry again and choose to change, that is also your legal name.
This is basic stuff. Google is your friend.

Magda72 · 10/04/2018 11:54

@RepealMay25th - I'm not in the slightest bit confused. And there's no need to wtf me when all I've been is civil!

RepealMay25th · 10/04/2018 11:54

And wrong.

Ophelialovescats · 10/04/2018 12:11

Repeal, what if a woman gives a man her name on marriage, is that his ?

Ophelialovescats · 10/04/2018 12:17

Magda, same in England , btw, my niece has just been through the process of changing her name on marriage .

RepealMay25th · 10/04/2018 12:21

Repeal, what if a woman gives a man her name on marriage, is that his

Yes, of course.

pinkyredrose · 10/04/2018 12:26

False identify? Wtf? She probably wanted all her children to have the same name. Plus how the fuck do you know what was on the advert for the job she applied for, are you stalking her?

Ophelialovescats · 10/04/2018 12:31

How does it work with same sex couples then?

RepealMay25th · 10/04/2018 12:32

How does it work with same sex couples then?

Exactly the same. One can give their name to the other, they can use both, they can keep their own. What are you so confused about?

Ophelialovescats · 10/04/2018 12:34

So your legal issue doesn't stand up then, it's just choice. Your name is the name you were given at birth unless you change it by deed poll.

italiancortado · 10/04/2018 12:34

How does it work with same sex couples then?

How does what work?

Changing name is a choice. It's still a choice for people in same sex relationships.

Ophelialovescats · 10/04/2018 12:36

A married name is an assumed name, taken by choice .....just to clarify for you .Repeal.

Dancingleopard · 10/04/2018 12:37

Can you just pick and choose surnames ?

Ophelialovescats · 10/04/2018 12:40

Yes.

Prettylovely · 10/04/2018 12:43

Totally agree with magda72.

RepealMay25th · 10/04/2018 12:44

A married name is an assumed name, taken by choice .....just to clarify for you .Repeal

A married name is a legal name, taken by choice. Just to clarify for YOU.

You see how you need a deed poll to get a passport in any other name? You don't for your married name, since you are legally entitled to it.

Can't believe this is so hard for you. Surely everyone knows this?

pinkyredrose · 10/04/2018 12:44

A married name isn't 'assumed'. It's your name!

RepealMay25th · 10/04/2018 12:45

So your legal issue doesn't stand up then, it's just choice. Your name is the name you were given at birth unless you change it by deed poll

Gosh its painful, it really is. You don't need a deed poll when you get married to use the name, to have it on every legal ID document. Your point agrees with my argument, not yours!

Magda72 · 10/04/2018 12:55

@RepealMay25th - I'm not wrong!
Neither are you.
The point @Ophelialovescats & I are making is that while a person can use whatever name they choose on a daily basis, LEGALLY they are either their birth name or a name they have legally applied to take.
It's like I can be born female, identify as male but unless I legally apply to be recognized as male I will be female on all official & state documents.
Legal recognition of name & status is very important for most people.
To get back to the original post: the point is that IF the OP's dh's exw legally retained his name (ie never legally took her second husbands name) that's one thing. However, if she is legally Mrs. Second Husband & has reverted to using her first husband's name then she is clearly making a statement!
If she IS legally still Mrs. First Husband then yes, she can give her younger children HER name as it's still legally hers. If however she has just reassumed her first husband's name & is making those kids use that name then she is both legally & morally in the wrong.
There's a massive difference in the two scenarios.

Winosaurus · 10/04/2018 13:01

Also I don’t see the need to have the same name as your children or them as each other (if they are by different parents) to be seen as a family.
My 2 DCs are by different fathers and I don’t consider them any less family because they don’t have a surname in common Hmm
I still think it’s incredibly odd to use the name of the man who is not the child’s father. Utterly bizarre.

tinkerbellax · 10/04/2018 13:05

My mum kept the family name and she has been divorced for over 20 years. I don't think it's got anything to do with you and certainly don't confront her at the supermarket!

Ophelialovescats · 10/04/2018 13:18

No need for pain, Repeal, it's not personal. You are not an expert on this . People chose whether to keep or change their name on marriage and rarely think of it as a legal issue.
Give Google a rest and relax .