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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Use of name

182 replies

Cassiemum · 09/04/2018 16:19

So I want to start saying I know no one can own a name but my DH divorced his ex some 21 years ago, after a brief marriage. I came on the scene a year later. She kept his name because of the children and them being young. Fine get that. A few years later she got married again and she took his name. When they divorced the ex went back to DH surname....kids now teenagers by this time and thought themselves that this was somewhat off.
Ex then had another relationship and had 2 children by that man...didn’t marry. It has come to our attention a year or so ago she was encouraging them to use my DH surname instead of their actual father...now social media keeps reminding us these children are openly and blatantly calling themselves by my DH surname. Further 2 years ago she moved to the same town as us after applying for a job in our area but lying to family that she wasn’t aware where the job would be...the job advert clearly said! I joke that she is our own personal stalker ....she once told me that when she saw a picture of my kitchen she went straight online to see how she could get one like mine!
Now there is going to be a situation in the future that we will all be at for sake of my step son and I am conscious that the organisation will have been told these children’s surname is ours and assumptions may be made that they are my DH children! I have said I will say something to her but my DH doesn’t feel it would be the right time but I have said I would take her on one side to ask her why she is giving her children false identities? Do you think I should? I keep hoping to see her in the supermarket to confront her !

OP posts:
M0RVEN · 13/04/2018 14:28

Could someone please explain when women and girls are allowed to own a name?

People on MN always say “ oh I wanted to change my name to my partners because my current name is only my dads name “ . And then after they are separated or divorced they want to change it back to their dads name.

When your dad is dead, will it become your name then?

Do girls and women never own a name at all, do they just get a loan of it from men and have to return it as and when the man wants ?

mostdays · 13/04/2018 14:59

I changed my surname at marriage. It was my name as soon as I stated using it. I have no time for people who want to dictate to me what name I will be known by.

Winosaurus · 13/04/2018 23:44

Honestly I don’t think the issue is her reverting back to her previous married name tbh... in most of situations I think women retain their married name upon divorce to stay the same as their DCS.
It’s just weird that she’s named her subsequent children that name when she has a new partner and that name was only gained via a relationship two marriages previously... which in between she was happy to change her own name so it wasn’t the same as her first children.
That is weird!

Why, if keeping the same name as her kids was so important to her, was she happy to change it when she married for the second time? And surely/logically if that marriage had resulted in children they would have had Mr/Mrs 2nd Marriage Surname meaning her kids from M1 and M2 would have had different surnames.
So why revert to M1 surname and name children from DP3 that surname also?
It’s so strange!

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 14/04/2018 00:01

Of course people can take any name they want. However there is usually a reason for it. For many women it is about alignment, identity, which ‘tribe’ you belong to and connection. Wanting to be aligned and connected to your kids is understandable.

However for some women, it is also very strongly about feeling connected, aligned and identified with their Ex. It’s a territorial claim.

SandyY2K · 14/04/2018 00:16

Whether you use the surname assigned to you at birth or the one you took after marriage, both are your surnames to use.

Some women do not want to revert to Miss or Ms, so they keep their married name and continue being called Mrs.

Winosaurus · 14/04/2018 00:24

Its not about reverting to whatever previous married name @SandyY2K it’s about naming the following children that name that is unusual and weird!
She cannot have been that bothered previously as during 2nd marriage she changed her name... so why call DCs from the 3rd relationship by the 1st relationship’s name? It’s strange!
It can’t be for sentimental/familial reasons because she is didn’t have any qualms during the 2nd marriage

MonkeyPuzzle2017 · 14/04/2018 08:09

The point of divorce is that both parties agree to move on with their lives. You are not Mrs XYZ unless you are the wife of Mr XYZ. If someone else is the wife, picking his socks up and sharing his life for better or worse, that's Mrs XYZ, not an ex-partner. I don't buy that it's or the kids' benefit - they know very well their parents are split up and so does everyone around them. Keeping everything clear and unambiguous is always best with kids rather than muddying the waters: 'I'm not married to your dad, but I kind of still am on a symbolic level as I'm still giving myself his surname'. Yes, absolutely no confusion there for the children!

Belindabauer · 14/04/2018 08:33

If it bothers you that much then change tournament to your maiden name and get dh to change his.
I agree with the poster who says when do women own a name. When exactly are we allowed to be who we are.
I'm divorced and I am still known by the name I was known as when married.
It's been my name name for donkeys years.
My dc are this name too.
It's a very 'cool' name, so I'm told. Everybody likes it, I'm not just saying that.
My dcs specifically asked me not to change my name when I divorced.
I also use mrs.
I believe that all adult females should be called Mrs as all adult males are called mr, regardless of marital status.
I don't give a damn what my ex or his new wife think. They can call themselves whatever they want.
Tell your dh to either change his name to yours (or double barrel) or shut up.
You married a man who had already been married and that's what often happens.

Willyoujustbequiet · 14/04/2018 11:09

A minority of posters just don't get it.

Names to not belong to men. She can call herself whatever the hell she wants. I can be Mrs Tom Hardy, it's no one's business but mine.

SandyY2K · 14/04/2018 13:34

@Winosaurus
it’s about naming the following children that name that is unusual and weird!

I agree its rather odd.

My comment wasn't specifically directed to the OP. I was talking about divorced women in general.

It could be as simple as, once her second marriage ended, she didn't want to retain the name (and no kids came from this marriage), so she reverted to a surname her children (from the first marriage) had.

Then when she had the next set of kids...She's not married to the father, so she gives the kids her surname...which happens to be from her first husband.

That way, they all have the same surname.

SandyY2K · 14/04/2018 14:03

I'm still giving myself his surname'. Yes, absolutely no confusion there for the children!

It's not giving yourself his surname. It's retaining your surname.

This doesn't need to confuse children, because to them...you are mum and always will be.

There's enough stress from divorce without having to start changing your documents, changing bank account names, pension documentation, passport etc..

This retaining of the surname really seems to bother some second wives. That's a downside that you just have to live with unfortunately. If you don't want to be the second Mrs. Thompson ... then you need a man who's never been married before.

Ifyouare going tokeep your marriedname, youneed to say so in the divorce decree.Therewillbe a question that asks ifyou would like to retain your marriedname, or be known byyour maiden(or former)name. ... It isyour legal right tokeep your marriedname, evenafter your husbandhas moved on.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 14/04/2018 18:21

@monkeypuzzle I agree with you. It’s symbolically moving on.

YeahAndThenWhat · 14/04/2018 18:30

I can understand why she did it. I don’t think it would annoy me although it would help to know what her maiden name is...perhaps it’s something awful and she just prefers her current name.

OP
she once told me that when she saw a picture of my kitchen she went straight online to see how she could get one like mine!

My bet is that she said this simply to wind you up. You make it too easy for her. She would probably think it hilarious that you fell for it and are still dwelling on it.

The alternative is that she just loved you kitchen. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Belindabauer · 14/04/2018 23:23

There are also people who get married and change their children's name to that of the new partner, even though he is not their father.
I don't understand this but old th of people do it.
Having a different name from your children can be problematic. I know for a fact if I'd changed my name after divorce that I would have had to show legal documentation on various occasions to prove that I was in fact the children's mother. It can cause a lot of hassle changing your name.

ZenNudist · 14/04/2018 23:44

You get some batshit people on mumsnet.

"my name now is the name I chose to take on but it does not by right belong to me ..."

You nit, of course it legally belongs to you. Assuming youve gone through the rigmarole of changing your name.

Totally understand the ex wanting her family to all take HER name and for reverting back to HER old name after a failed marriage. She probably wouldn't have done that but for her kids.

If dh and i ever god forbid split id still be the name i took on marriage to him. Its not just his name, its mine.

If it helps, think of it as a gift. Once given your dh cant take it back. If you didnt like it you shouldn't have married a divorcee.

M0RVEN · 15/04/2018 08:26

If it helps, think of it as a gift. Once given your dh cant take it back. If you didnt like it you shouldn't have married a divorcee

Indeed. Or if you don’t want to be the second Mrs Thompson, don’t change your name.

Or get him to change his name to yours, if sharing names is such a big issue for you.

italiancortado · 15/04/2018 08:52

You are not Mrs XYZ unless you are the wife of Mr XYZ

But you can remain ABC XYZ.

If someone else is the wife, picking his socks up and sharing his life for better or worse, that's Mrs XYZ,

If someone else is picking up his socks, someone else is an idiot.

Katara · 15/04/2018 09:50

In Scottish Law, there is no such provision in the divorce. It doesn’t mention names at all in the decree.

SandyY2K · 15/04/2018 11:17

If someone else is picking up his socks, someone else is an idiot.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Belindabauer · 15/04/2018 13:48

Jesus, and what does a divorced man become o divorce? Oh I forgot he is still Mr and isn't defined by his relationship at all , people don't insist on calling him Master be wise he is no longer married.
Well fuck that.
A woman can call herself what ever she likes.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 15/04/2018 22:35

To be honest I genuinely don’t understand why women do change to Mrs.

Ophelialovescats · 15/04/2018 23:24

Totally agree Banana , much simpler if women kept their names on marriage.

Makingdinner · 15/04/2018 23:35

It's weird. Well the fact she's called her subsequent children after a man who they are not related to. Almost like oh no the last man was a mistake they're all from the same dad honest! Like it matters... it doesn't.

If I was you op id laugh it off. It's weird but it doesn't really affect your life!

Makingdinner · 15/04/2018 23:36

But all the if you don't Like it don't marry a divorcee shit is utterly depressing. Whatever happened to women having respect for other women forgot that only happens in the first wives club

Magda72 · 16/04/2018 00:07

I agree @Bananasinpyjamas11 & @Ophelialovescats - it would just make life a lot easier & less confusing.
If I had taken my exh's name & kept it post divorce & if his dp was also to take his name on marriage there would be two Mrs. Exh in my kids school for eg. & I just think that sort of stuff is really confusing for everyone involved.