Every weekend or every other weekend?

[Newmumin2017]

Hi ladies, I have been with my partner for 4 years now. He has 3 children (8,10 and 13) from a previous relationship and for the first few years we were together he had them one weeknight then alternate weekends to sleep over. This worked well as it meant we had the ability to go out and do things with friends, my family or as a couple every other weekend and my DPs ex had the same. For a while, the ex stopped DP having overnight contact (long story but she seems to have had some emotional problems which seem to be resolved now). During that time, DP was having kids over every Saturday but not to sleep. He was also having them one weeknight until 8pm and still is.

Thankfully the overnights have started again alternate weekends but on the weekends when they are not staying, DP still has them all day Saturday until at least 8pm but often more like 9pm. This is generally absolutely fine but my concern is that we can’t now ever go out on a Saturday or go away for a weekend unless we take all of the kids with us. We now have another child but we can easily get a babysitter for her but there is no way we will be able to get anyone to look after 4 kids! Also, as the baby gets older there will be things we want to do with her that the older kids won’t want to do, so I am going to end up having to take her without them or DP so DP and our daughter are going to miss out.

Am I being unreasonable to be a bit miffed at this change in the arrangements? I feel awful about feeling this way, but the situation was so different when I got involved and when we decided to have a baby. I have discussed with DP and he would prefer to go back to the original arrangements or have the kids only until the afternoon on the Saturday they aren’t staying rather than the evening but he is worried that if he suggests this his ex will fly off the handle and stop contact again.

So you have them sat and Sunday and 1 weeknight one week and just a weeknight and a Saturday day time on the other and you think this is a lot of contact?! Seeing his 3 dc for one overnight and a few hours one week is not considered a lot at all!

Also if you want to go away on a weekend you have the kids it’s your responsibility to find alternative care for the kids, not his ex.

You can have couple time any of the other 4 week nights you don’t have the kids or the Sunday you don’t have the kids on the other weekend, and if you were going away why would you not take all the kids away with you?! Or is it leave the step children behind and only take your dc away...

Just to clarify a few things though, DP and I have the kids one night every week, all weekend one week and all Saturday the alternate weekend so they only have 1 full day with their mum every fortnight.

Who looks after them when they aren’t with you? The other 12 nights a fortnight?

I’ve just done the maths. The Mum has them 180 hours a fortnight excluding school hours and their time with you. You have them 96 hours. So she doesn’t have them less than you.

Oh aftershchool club? Ok so that’s max 30 hours over the fortnight. So she has them 150 hours. And you 90.

I hadn’t wanted to make it a numbers game, I only said that because of people saying she has them a lot more. In addition to the time they spend with us, my partners family have them quite a lot so she does have less than half of their available time. As I said, we would love more contact with them during the week but it seems unfair that we never get a weekend to go anywhere like to visit my family where the older 3 would be welcome but wouldn’t want to come and couldn’t anyway because they would have to be back to return to their mum.

Getting childcare for them isn’t an option as I have explained.

The kids themselves have questioned why we never go out as a couple as their mum and her partner do and have also complained that they never get to do anything with their mum as she is always busy on weeknights and they hardly see her at weekends!

I know stepmums always get a hard time on here but thank you to the people who have seen the point of my post (not complaining about the amount of contact but trying to achieve a balance in our blended family).

In addition to the time they spend with us, my partners family have them quite a lot

Getting childcare for them isn’t an option as I have explained.

Except your partners family are already providing childcare for them. So what’s the problem when it’s actually your partner’s contact time?

Are his family providing over 30 hours a week of childcare?

I don’t understand either why it’s a problem for DOs family to provide childcare but his ex has made it clear that she won’t allow it when they are on his time. I think it’s all about control to be honest. In terms of time spent with each parent, I was talking about actual contact time, not time when they are asleep but rather time they are actually spending with each parent. They definitely ‘see’ more of us than their mother although they are under her roof for more hours if you include time they are in bed.

I'm trying not to be too unhelpful here, but OP, are you absolutely taking the piss? You have a baby now. Fast forward 8 or 10 or 13 years. Would you be ok seeing your child once a fortnight for a weekend and one night a week when you had the opportunity for weekly quality contact? I am pretty sure that your answer would be an emphatic no.

Let me discuss the arrangements I have with my ex. He sees them every weds night and then sees them EVERY weekend from Friday night until Sunday morning. Save the odd occasion when he wants the weekend off (uber rare let me say). Where do I sit in this? These arrangements aren't the best for me...at all. But who are they ideal for? My DC's. A similar age may I say to the DC's in your post. They miss their dad so much. Significant, quality weekend contact with their dad, every weekend is very important to their emotional wellbeing. Do you have any concept of how long a fortnight feels to children? And for the parent who isn't the primary carer? Increasing studies are showing that frequency of contact with the non primary carer trumps duration for children in these situations.

Regarding your (nothing short of) condescending commentary that she only spends one day a week with them, I'm aghast. Who has them the nights you don't? And who takes them to school (yes, even if it is to breakfast club?).

If you haven't figured it out, you're pretty much describing my arrangements. And yes I take my DC's to breakfast club and a nanny picks them up every evening. But guess what? My DC's see me 4 mornings a week, 4 nights a week and I too 'only' spend one day with them. Gasp, occasionally this one day a week sometimes becomes one day a fortnight because they go to sports matches with their dad....

But if you were to ask my kids, they see me way more than they see their dad and they miss him as a result. They bounce out the door so excited every friday and return excited on sunday mornings for our day together. I couldn't imagine a world where that became once a fortnight.

I feel very sorry for your DP. Yes you have a right to find this difficult (I find my set up difficult), but I do also think you have a real superiority complex. I very seriously hope that you don't get your way and that your DP continues to have this quality contact with his kids. Who (just so you know), are just as important as your baby...who he LIVES with...

It is not that I am trying to get my way, my DP would also prefer a more equal split between week night and weekend contact, as would the kids. I didn’t say their mother only has 1 day a fortnight with them, but actually she does only have one full day a fortnight which leaves little quality time for her to spend with the kids.

I sympathise with your situation but if your kids are happy spending so much time away from you that’s fine if it works for them but it doesn’t work for my stepkids who would prefer more time with their mum at weekends and to have more frequent contact during the week as yes, it is a long time between contact. I just want what is best for all of the kids and yes, my relationship! The kids actually wrote down the contact they wanted when ex stopped overnight contact previously and the result was more weeknight hours and one whole weekend with each, Friday to Sunday which would be ideal as we could do so much more with them on the weekends we have them and they could spend more quality time with their mum. Sadly she prefers to go out every weekend with her DP and friends. I presume that’s not the reason for your arrangements and you are going with what is best for your kids and that’s great, but sadly not the case for us.

Oh and before you shoot me down for saying their mum prefers going out at weekends, when we haven’t had the kids in the past, they were shipped off to grandparents or aunts house rather than their mum staying home but we aren’t allowed to arrange childcare and couldn’t anyway as previously explained.

but his ex has made it clear that she won’t allow it when they are on his time. I think it’s all about control to be honest.

Perhaps because he sees them so little as it is. Maybe she thinks he could arrange his couple time for when he doesn’t have his older children.

@ I was talking about actual contact time, not time when they are asleep but rather time they are actually spending with each parent. They definitely ‘see’ more of us than their mother although they are under her roof for more hours if you include time they are in bed.

Yeah because she doesnt need to be there when they’re sleeping. The house can supervise them.

they were shipped off to grandparents

Shipped off? Or went to stay? Do you “ship” your baby off to grandparents or aunts? Your attitude oozes from your posts.

Hmm ok I hadn’t wanted to get into a competition between stepmoms and mums but perhaps inevitably that is what this thread has turned into although I do appreciate the helpful suggestions some people have made.

Yes I am surprised that kids would be sent to grandparents or aunts on the rare opportunities their mother has to spend weekend time with her kids, if I was in her position I would prefer to have a day with them than to go out somewhere that could wait until the following week. Why do you think it’s ok for her to have a night out with her DP but not for us to do the same? We can’t really go out any night except Saturday as DP works quite late. Do really think it would be unreasonable for us to have the kids an alternative time during the week so we could have a meal out once a fortnight?

As for the comment about the house looking after the kids, that is obviously ridiculous. My point was that the kids need to spend time interacting with both parents equally if possible, it’s a cop out to count time they are asleep as quality contact time.

Also if you read my original post we are only suggesting taking the kids back a couple of hours early on alternate Saturdays and more than happy to have them more during the week to compensate! Judging by some of these comments you would think DP was trying to cut all ties!

Let me get this right you have one mid week contact and one over night on a Saturday and one day time on a Saturday and your complaining you don’t get time together! Go out on the Friday night or go out Saturday night when they are back at there Mother’s. My ex sees ds once a weekend night aswell as one midweek and it works well if he needs to go away it can be swapped to EOW but ex likes to see ds regularly on a weekly basis, however he hasn’t took the piss wanting to change it to suit. You knew he had dc and that contact arrangement needs to be stuck to. Your extremely selfish, you can visit family on your own and hopefully when things have calmed down maybe ask to change one weekend but it cannot just be expected to be on your terms.

It’s all very well wanting more midweek but we’re you prepared to do the pick up from school and school run.

And when I say change it to one full week as a one off that week to accommodate you going away. Not to be expected to happen on a regular basis.

We can’t really go out on Friday night as DP works late and on Saturdays the kids don’t go back to their mum until at least 8pm but usually more like 9pm. That’s why DP has thought of suggesting taking them back at say 6pm alternate Saturdays. It would only be 2-3 hours less and they could come for a few hours a week night instead. I am genuinely surprised that people think this is a selfish suggestion but I did ask for opinions so I accept that.

Incidentally yes I would be happy to do school drop offs and pick ups. I already do school pick up once a week and have done other times when their mother has been pushed for time.

This isn't turning into a thread about stepmums/ mums. I am both a mum. And a stepmum. Where contact takes place every weekend with all children from both ex marriages. For now, that works for the DC's. There may come a time when it doesn't and contact will flex (certainly with my DC's)

I think the challenge with your posts is that it feels like there is a lot of judgement. I don't think you have any concept of what it must be like to be the person who does 90% of the school related stuff. Getting 3 kids up every morning, getting them out the door with the right things they need, ready, clean and dried. That's not forgetting what they may need for extra curricular things like world book day costumes and random mufti days. Then getting them home, getting homework done, showers / mealtimes done. Doing a load of laundry every day.....

I have a nanny to help but ultimately it is my responsibility to check all school bags, every night before I crash out. My responsibility that the house is clean, fully stocked with food....lets not even get onto the emotional challenges DC's have when they are the children of divorce and transitional behaviour to deal with when they come home. Every week.

I don't care if its an amazing stepmum doing all those daily things or a mum. But until you've walked a mile in someones shoes, don't judge.

And yes, to the outside world, when my kids go, I fill my time with seeing friends and doing things. I'm sure it could appear very much as you say, that I prefer going out with my friends. But you know how much it hurts to not see your kids as much as you used to? How much you miss them? Lots. It hurts lots and you miss them lots. So smart people fill that time and try and find a new happy. So that their children are not conflicted when they go. Non smart people don't fill their time and their lives and become obsessed about preventing their children building any form of meaningful relationship with the ex.

Re the shipping off...my time with my kids is less but what they love more than anything is sleepovers with my nephews....so, yes, on my time, they go have sleepovers.

Newsflash; a lot of parenting is about sacrifice, especially when you carry guilt over their lives being ripped apart and living for the rest of their lives between two homes. Most people are simply trying to do the best they can, maybe you should try and see it from that perspective...

TooSassy like I have said I do sympathise with your situation. I also sympathise with the kids’ mother and an happy to help out where I can. As I have said, we could do more during the week which would give her a break then and she could have a couple of extra weekend hours instead. I know the kids would prefer a more equal split of their free time at weekends and weeknights and I don’t see why we can’t give them that and yes, those 2-3 hours on an alternate Saturday night would benefit my relationship with DP which I think is why people have called me selfish but surely a lot of parents see the benefit of having an occasional evening to keep the relationship and therefore the family strong.

My posts have become a bit defensive as I do feel that I have been unfairly attacked for feeling concerned that my relationship and my child will suffer because of the change to contact arrangements when the change is not what the kids want either.

Like I said earlier though, I have also received some sensible suggestions for which I am grateful.

I know I am being defensive but feel that I have been hugely misunderstood. I don’t need a ‘news flash ‘ to tell me that parenting involves sacrifice. I have happily made a lot of what could be called ‘sacrifices’ for my family but have never seen it that way because I feel so lucky to have them all.

@Newmumin2017 - I think you're getting very unfair treatment here.
My dp works a 12 hour 5 day week on the weekends he's with me. He works a 12 hour 4 day week on the weekends he has his kids so that he can collect them from school.
He travels for work & always has done so his kids grew up with him not being around during the week. He works this hard to pay exw huge maintenance as she refuses to work.
I often don't see my dp for over a week - sometimes he manages to get home for an overnight if he's between jobs. Our child free weekends are the ONLY time we get to spend together. We've had his 3 the last 4 weekends and we have literally not had any time alone bar when we go to bed as all 3 are teens.
Exw on the other hand has had 4 weekends to herself and is child free every week day from 8 - 4. Dp is wrecked. It is unrealistic to expect anyone to work all week & never get a weekend break when there are TWO parents on the scene.

His kids also have no expectation of their mum as she does nothing with them even on the weekends when she has them yet they expect dp to be constantly 'on' because he's a more proactive personality & the youngest 12 will literally not give him one second to himself - dp could literally entertain him 23 hours a day & he'd still want 24!
You really have my utmost sympathy.
I have 2 of mine at home (also teens) with me all week & I also work. They go to their dads eow & I cherish the weekends I have with them as it allows down time we don't get during the week, & I wouldn't dream of having them at their dads ew as he too needs time with his dp & their little ones.
I'm always getting flak on here re my dps arrangements but there are also many on here who will totally get where you're at.
💐

Many parents don’t go out regularly all the time with their dc. Me and my dh must have been out maybe 4times in the last year! You can go out on the Friday later or on the Saturday at 9 you just don’t like the fact the kids are there all the time every week everything is an excuse. It’s pretty disgusting tbh. I’m glad my ds sm isn’t like this when he goes to his fathers every Friday night or alternate Sunday and they too have a baby. You had a baby with a man who already had existing dc.

Sorry to see you've been getting a hard time on this thread OP

It's really unhelpful I think for people to start going on about how "little" time you have with the kids, and how much more their poor mum has when a) it clearly do have them at least half of their non-school waking hours and b) their mum has clearly chosen which time she wants to have them.

And you're right, it is really important for a fairly new couple to get a bit of time together without kids, especially older kids who just do invade your conversations and space in a way little ones don't (yet!)

I have DSC who have always come to us every weekend. I've accepted that this is how it is, but for a brief while it looked as if we might move to a 50-50 week about rota and I thought through just how much free time that would have given us without the kids! Far more usable time that at present. (It never happened in the end as DSC's mum didn't want to give up her free weekends)

The other thing I think is bad about DSC never having a weekend with their mum is that their relationship with her has suffered. As they've got older and busier they just haven't had the time to really connect or do anything together. And neither parent has really been on top of their lives - knowing what they were up to, who their friends were, school work, etc. I have kids of my own to who see their dad a very standard every other weekend and I think that's actually a much better routine with older kids at least, as I'm able to be on top of things in their lives that nobody is on top of for my DSC.

But yes, your DP does need to find ways of phrasing things helpfully, then have a conversation with his ex about what will work best for everyone. If he can't or won't do that you're a bit stuck

Thanks Magda I really appreciate your comments. I love my stepchildren and it is really hurtful that people are suggesting I don’t or that I am being selfish but interestingly nobody has questioned why their mother doesn’t want more time with them. I have a great relationship with the kids though and I know they would never think I am selfish. They have even commented that me and there Dad get no time just the two of us, not that I would ever get into that discussion with them so I just made a joke of it with them at the time but the truth is, they are right.

Dancing Monkey I must say I’m amazed that you feel so strongly ‘disgusted ‘ by our suggestion to swap 2-3 hours from an alternate Saturday to an extra night during the week. This would actually give the kids an extra evening of contact a week and an extra 3-4 hours a fortnight. What is so disgusting about that? The kids themselves would prefer this!

The mother has Sunday to spend time with her dc. You basically want to smcut short one day of a weekend in favour of a mid week which you said your dh works late so how is that beneficial?