Every weekend or every other weekend?

[Newmumin2017]

Hi ladies, I have been with my partner for 4 years now. He has 3 children (8,10 and 13) from a previous relationship and for the first few years we were together he had them one weeknight then alternate weekends to sleep over. This worked well as it meant we had the ability to go out and do things with friends, my family or as a couple every other weekend and my DPs ex had the same. For a while, the ex stopped DP having overnight contact (long story but she seems to have had some emotional problems which seem to be resolved now). During that time, DP was having kids over every Saturday but not to sleep. He was also having them one weeknight until 8pm and still is.

Thankfully the overnights have started again alternate weekends but on the weekends when they are not staying, DP still has them all day Saturday until at least 8pm but often more like 9pm. This is generally absolutely fine but my concern is that we can’t now ever go out on a Saturday or go away for a weekend unless we take all of the kids with us. We now have another child but we can easily get a babysitter for her but there is no way we will be able to get anyone to look after 4 kids! Also, as the baby gets older there will be things we want to do with her that the older kids won’t want to do, so I am going to end up having to take her without them or DP so DP and our daughter are going to miss out.

Am I being unreasonable to be a bit miffed at this change in the arrangements? I feel awful about feeling this way, but the situation was so different when I got involved and when we decided to have a baby. I have discussed with DP and he would prefer to go back to the original arrangements or have the kids only until the afternoon on the Saturday they aren’t staying rather than the evening but he is worried that if he suggests this his ex will fly off the handle and stop contact again.

Could you/would you just go away to your family on your own for a weekend?

both should share and everyone would be happy.

They are sharing!

This is all hypothetical. All this talk of he rkut allowing this that or the other. Your DP hasn’t even asked. If you want a babysitter, arrange a babysitter. If his family are happy to care for the DC whilst with her then she doesn’t really get to complain if the same people look after them once in a blue moon at yours.

TBH it sounds like you just want to have a whinge about what you have assumed will be a problem.

I think guilt drives a lot of the submissive behaviours of the fathers. My DH’s ex would often send his DC over to ours on her contact nights because she wanted to go out. Meaning, obviously, that we couldn’t. When I pointed out that this was not really in the spirit of the 50/50 agreement, DH would get incredibly emotional and say that he’d much rather DC be here with him than ‘dumped with someone’ (ie their maternal grandparents) while their mum went out.

And during the younger years, there were incredibly elaborate and gymnastic arrangements put in place to avoid SDC ever having to ‘be dumped with someone’ before/after school.

Yet when it came to our own DC, he didn’t bat an eyelid when I had to put them in gull time nursery from one year old so I could go back to work.

When there is so obviously an imbalance like that, resentment is unavoidable. And it’s not fair on anyone. The SDCs are powerless, but so too are the ‘new’ spouse and children. The dynamics of the current family depends entirely on the dynamic between the parents of the DSC. it’s horribly disempowering to know that the freedom to plan your time as you wish is actually, ultimately in the gift of your DH’s ex.

And for your DH to be either innocently or deliberately ignorant of that fact is utterly maddening after a while.

Glass I will have to, which is a shame as it means DP having next to no time with youngest for almost 2 weeks at a time as he doesn’t really see her during the week so they wouldn’t get any proper time together until the following weekend and I do fear the older kids would feel guilty that their Dad is left behind and on his own Friday night, Saturday night and all day Sunday and they won’t want that. They have made comments along those lines before we had LO when I have gone off to do things with my family at the weekends. I have always done my best to try to shield them from that and have told them in the past that I would have been going on my own anyway but they are bright kids and will know that their Dad will miss me and baby not seeing her for all that time whereas if the arrangements were more flexible we could move days and times to avoid the whole issue as the last thing I want is for them to feel awkward. I do not resent the kids in any way, as has been cruelly suggested but I can’t stay at home all weekend every weekend at the expense of my baby and wider family. I just think the rigidity will only lead to hurt feelings which could easily be prevented.

@GlassHalfFullOfWee - you are soooo spot on with your last post.
As a dm I would really hope that my dynamic with exh does not impact on his dp & their kids together or on my kids relationship with their sm, & I really don't think it does.
However, my relationship & time with my dp is totally impacted by his previous relationship & it's really, really hard.
It's also impacts hugely on my relationship with his dc.

Utterly maddening! I agree glass. I have the exact same. Our son together has special needs and it’s taken me months to persuade his Dad that he can’t just be left with anyone. He drags his feet over going to the school meetings. Yet with DSDs he goes to every school event, and I’ve had to take care of them instead of granny’s.

Capes again, you are missing the point and perhaps misreading my posts. I have not assumed there will be a problem, DP has, which was the point of my OP!

I have explained several times that although I agree it is unreasonable for mum to say we can’t get childcare, that is what she has said and if we go against her, we risk losing all contact and it is simply not worth the risk. The only option is for DP to try to negotiate or we just accept the rules she has set. I am miffed that he won’t even try, that is my point.

Yes! So classic.

There have been a few occasions where DH and I have both had separate evening plans on the same night so drafted in grandparents to babysit our DCs, only for his ex to announce at the last minute that she needs him to have SDCs because she’s going out.

So then instead of SDC staying at their mum’s and being looked after by maternal grandparents, they come to ours and are looked after by my mum instead.

I mean, it makes no material difference, so why not just say ‘no, sorry, Glass and I are both at work events tonight, you’ll have to sort babysitter for SDC’?

But instead there would be a kick bollock scramble to get the SDC over to ours (ex never drops off or picks up, DH does all the running), meaning DH would have to come home from work in the city, collect SDCs, turn around and go back to the city to his work event. And my mum would have extra kids to watch.

Total madness. DH inconveniencing himself, my mum being inconvenienced, the SDCs being inconvenienced, all because he couldn’t say no.

I defy anyone to live with having those sort of bananas arrangements inflicted on them regularly and not at least become a tad irritated at the lack of say you have in what goes on in one’s own life and home.

Very often on these sorts of threads that irritation is misplaced onto the SDCs by either the step parent or is misinterpreted as being displaced into the SDCs by the readers.

But bad feeling in step families is almost never about the SDCs and almost always about the dicking around between the two parents. Whether the players involved are cognisant of that or not.

So your actual problem is not about contact, or the ex. or the children. It's your husband being a wet lettuce and doing nothing?

she has said and if we go against her, we risk losing all contact and it is simply not worth the risk.

That’s very unreasonable of her. Unfortunately the only way round it is for your DH to go to mediation or court and get a contact schedule drawn up and enforced.

But it sounds like he’d be way too scared to rock that boat.

So if your only issue is with him wimping out on a conversation (or at least that’s what he’s making out) what is all this guff about her “shipping her DC off” to relatives?

So if your only issue is with him wimping out on a conversation (or at least that’s what he’s making out) what is all this guff about her “shipping her DC off” to relatives?

Nothing more than simple irritation at the double standard I’d imagine.

She can get babysitters to look after the DCs when they’re with her so she can go or with her partner yet she’s dictating that OP and her DH can’t do the same when the SDCs are with them.

Yes the DH should call her out on it. But I understand why OP is annoyed.

Would have been nice to hear the OP answer the question herself TBH.

Glass your posts are so spot on! I feel no resentment towards the kids at all and just want the best for everyone but with so many players that is never going to be easy.

He did go to mediation previously which is when we found out what the kids ideally want as they were asked for input. Unfortunately, a court order was never put in place and I don’t think DP will go down that route again if he can help it.

Thora yes, I guess essentially that’s it! I personally think every other weekend but full weekends Friday night to Sunday afternoon/evening would be best for everyone and the kids would like that too then there could always be flexibility for extra contact either way if the kids ever wanted, which is how it was previously and we did sometimes get a call to say the kids wanted to come to ours on their mums weekends which we always agreed to. I don’t see the problem with that because the situation we have now is kids have to come even if they don’t want to and if we do want to do something like visit my family or (dare I say it?) have an evening out without kids one weekend we would have to ‘cancel’ on the kids which we would never want to do and would risk conflict with their mum.

Capes it is as Glass says and I have tried to say that myself, which is why I asked you why it is ok for her to have a night out but not us. Clearly double standards.

Also, I was responding to the heavy criticism I had received for suggesting an occasional Saturday night out with my partner should be a possibility.

Capes what are you unsurprised about?

That your response was as glass had said

Oh that makes sense as it is what I had previously said, no doubt that’s how Glass was able to explain having read my previous posts.

Capes you are clearly angered by my OP and perhaps your personal circumstances (for which you have my sympathy) have something to do with that but my circumstances are completely different.

If I ever made plans on my weekend with my kids I used to get a babysitter, now one of my older ones sits. If is was an overnight I'd swap with exh if possible. Generally though I would make my going out plans for my free weekends.
Exh did similar. He now has two little ones & if out his dps mum sits. I would never not allow her to sit my two (who don't really need sitting) & I would never tell exh he couldn't get childcare be it her or someone else! However, I would never expect his dps mum to mind my two & would always offer to take them home if needs be.

I would also never let them do an overnight or a day sit with her - too much responsibility for a woman in her late 60s who though very good to my kids is not their dgm - & would always swap with exh if possible.
However dps ex makes arrangements on her time without organising sitters, expects dp to then take the kids but won't offer a weekend swap! Totally not fair & highly manipulative. Dp better at calling her out but still wary as she is yet another exw who is quite happy to lose her sh*t in front of the kids.
@NotAllTimsWearCapes I do all the weekly donkey work for my kids & I work. It's the arrangement exh & I made when we split as he wanted to return to education & had to study in a different town. It's hard but I don't view it as a burden & wouldn't give up my two weekends a month with my kids for anything.
What I have done is take a long holiday by myself every year to somewhere I wouldn't (yet) go with the kids - that's my 'pay off' as it were for the day to day slog.
I don't resent exhs new life, very good job (which I facilitated by taking up the slack while he studied & career changed) & new family, & he doesn't resent my disappearing with my back pack for 3 weeks.
There are lots of different ways to parent & not all dads who don't do 50/50 are slackers or bad parents.

Not angered, confused. You don’t actually have a problem. You have 11/12 (it’s not clear) nights a week alone with your partner but apparently this isn’t enough, you need those extra 3 hours on a Saturday to be alone with him. Of course you could arrange a babysitter for the DCs to facilitate couple time away from the house and would be happy to do it but when his ex does that she is “shipping them off”. But actually no, that’s not the issue, the issue is you want to go to your family with your partner so those 3 hours would be no good to you, so really you want the whole Saturday. Which is also fine, BTW. Except you have decided none of this can ever happen despite no-one having even asked the ex to switch things around!

You still have those 11/12 nights though. She hasn’t said you can’t sit on the sofa with your partner. Has she?

It's hard but I don't view it as a burden & wouldn't give up my two weekends a month with my kids for anything.

That’s sounds like you’re saying there is something wrong with those who do?

not all dads who don't do 50/50 are slackers or bad parents.

I have no idea why you are saying this to me. I haven’t suggested it at all, nor does it have anything to do with the Mum going out on the weekends her DCs are with her.

My point is that having the kids all week does not mean the other parent should have them every weekend. I also was making a general comment re dads not specifically aimed at you. I tagged you to draw your attention to my comment.
You are determined to find fault with everyone bar you on this thread.
People have been very civil to you while you have been quite rude.

Definitely think there needs to be a court order to mandate who has contact when, as it all sounds very messy and confrontational and everyone is fed up.

I try very hard not to be mean on these threads, but in this particular case, I do think you are being both selfish and naive. I agree with previous posters that you should think about how you would feel about contact with YOUR child, and how your child would feel to have two families squabbling over who DOESN'T get to have her for the weekend.