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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Every weekend or every other weekend?

154 replies

Newmumin2017 · 14/03/2018 00:32

Hi ladies, I have been with my partner for 4 years now. He has 3 children (8,10 and 13) from a previous relationship and for the first few years we were together he had them one weeknight then alternate weekends to sleep over. This worked well as it meant we had the ability to go out and do things with friends, my family or as a couple every other weekend and my DPs ex had the same. For a while, the ex stopped DP having overnight contact (long story but she seems to have had some emotional problems which seem to be resolved now). During that time, DP was having kids over every Saturday but not to sleep. He was also having them one weeknight until 8pm and still is.

Thankfully the overnights have started again alternate weekends but on the weekends when they are not staying, DP still has them all day Saturday until at least 8pm but often more like 9pm. This is generally absolutely fine but my concern is that we can’t now ever go out on a Saturday or go away for a weekend unless we take all of the kids with us. We now have another child but we can easily get a babysitter for her but there is no way we will be able to get anyone to look after 4 kids! Also, as the baby gets older there will be things we want to do with her that the older kids won’t want to do, so I am going to end up having to take her without them or DP so DP and our daughter are going to miss out.

Am I being unreasonable to be a bit miffed at this change in the arrangements? I feel awful about feeling this way, but the situation was so different when I got involved and when we decided to have a baby. I have discussed with DP and he would prefer to go back to the original arrangements or have the kids only until the afternoon on the Saturday they aren’t staying rather than the evening but he is worried that if he suggests this his ex will fly off the handle and stop contact again.

OP posts:
NotAllTimsWearCapes · 14/03/2018 15:33

Why do you think it’s ok for her to have a night out with her DP but not for us to do the same?

You’ll have to quote the post where I said that! Confused (because I certainly didn’t!)

it’s a cop out to count time they are asleep as quality contact time

Another thing I never said. You’re making a habit of this. I didn’t say it was quality time. I said it was time when she is with them, as a parent, doing parenting. They are asleep yes, but she isn’t off duty. If they wake, it’s her dealing with them having her sleep broken. Not your partner.

Original poster
Newmumin2017 · 14/03/2018 15:34

Thanks Candlelight’s, I really appreciate that. We do think the kids were happier having a weekend with their mum and they now comment about never doing anything with her, which is sad and I think if she knew how they were feeling she would change her mind because she is a very caring mum. We have, however accepted that she won’t go back to the old arrangements so we are now really just at the sticking point of 2-3 hours on Saturday evening at the end of our contact day.

I hadn’t thought about the risk of nobody being on top of homework etc but that is a very good point. The kids are frequently in trouble and getting detention for failing to hand in homework. They should be bringing it with them at the weekends if they don’t have time to do it during the week but never do. Something else to be discussed but I will keep firmly out of that one! Thanks again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Newmumin2017 · 14/03/2018 15:37

Dancing Monkey their mum has every second Sunday, not every Sunday. I don’t think moving a couple of hours around is a big deal but it seems I am overruled Smile

OP posts:
NotAllTimsWearCapes · 14/03/2018 15:37

Btw, the sleep time at your house isn’t quality contact time either so you can take 40 hours a fortnight off your time too.

NotAllTimsWearCapes · 14/03/2018 15:42

I’m a lone parent with 100% care. Their father does zero. Doesn’t see them, contact them nothing. Youngest has SEN. I could whinge about never getting a Saturday night off but who would that help? I’m a parent, sometimes it’s tough, you just have to accept that with 4 children, nights out and “couple time” will be few and far between. Your DO does very little actual care in reality. If he wants a night out he has 11 every fortnight to choose from. The fact he works shifts or whatever isn’t his exes fault or his childrens fault. Maybe he could book a night off work if he really needs alone time with you. Instead of taking it from his chidlren’s limited Contact time.

Magda72 · 14/03/2018 15:45

@Newmumin2017 - the point here is that there are two parents in the situation not one. Your situation is very different & no doubt difficult.
But, when there are two parents actively involved there has to be a balance both for the adults & for the kids.

Original poster
Newmumin2017 · 14/03/2018 15:47

Capes I hadn’t counted sleep time at our house either as I agree that is not the time that counts. The time that matters to the kids is spending time interacting.

You did clearly express your support of kids mother not allowing us to get childcare and supported mums choice to send kids to stay with grandparents for her quality time with her partner.

Thankfully at the ages of 8 plus they are sleeping through the night! Your comment was made in response to my explanation about how much quality time the kids get with each parent. I have never suggested that DP and I do more ‘parenting’, my concern is that the kids want to see their parents equally at weekends. Why should they be denied this?

It’s disingenuous of you to deny making points, you are entitled to your opinion and I am happy to hear it, that’s why I posted but please don’t try to twist things after the event.

OP posts:
NotAllTimsWearCapes · 14/03/2018 15:48

but interestingly nobody has questioned why their mother doesn’t want more time with them

Because she has them all week for the donkey work.

NotAllTimsWearCapes · 14/03/2018 15:49

They have even commented that me and there Dad get no time just the two of us

Only every single weeknight and weekend night that they’re not there. Hmm did they really say that?

NotAllTimsWearCapes · 14/03/2018 15:52

You did clearly express your support of kids mother not allowing us to get childcare

No I didn’t clearly express support Hmm (you really love making shit up) I said perhaps she thinks he should be spending his contact with him. It was a suggestion as to what she might be thinking.

and supported mums choice to send kids to stay with grandparents for her quality time with her partner.

Of course, why not? You want exactly the same with your partner don’t you?

NotAllTimsWearCapes · 14/03/2018 15:53

but please don’t try to twist things after the event.

Bit of projecting going on here. You need to read better.

Original poster
Newmumin2017 · 14/03/2018 15:54

Capes now that you have explained your own situation I understand your approach and you do have my sympathy, it must be very hard and your ex is behaving very badly and will end up with no relationship with the kids as a result but the point here is, as Magda has pointed out, there are 2 parents actively involved so both should share and everyone would be happy.

DPs ex hasn’t actually said no to the suggestion of moving a couple of hours from Saturday to a weeknight, my ex is scared to ask in case she flys off the handle which is where I have the issue, as I think he should man up and have the conversation! Having said that, I understand his fear but I think his ex is in a much better emotional state now so I would hope she wouldn’t do that again.

OP posts:
Bananasinpyjamas11 · 14/03/2018 15:54

You are not being unreasonable at all.

It’s a crap situation for you and all the family. The only person this serves is the Mum. Why is that ok? She should not trump everyone. The kids will be only too aware Mum is fobbing them off, and it’s bad for their relationship.

My DSDs were forever coming around more than the arrangement because their Mum made them. They were old enough to know this was to suit their Mum who was showing then she had the power to insist on arrangements over their feelings.

I tell you looking back I would have put my foot down even more than I did. Not least because I do believe my step kids suffered. They resented the changes as they wanted to be having dinner and winding down in their own homes much more than their Mum would allow. Their resentment spilled over onto me as I was the providing, caring, so also badly affected their relationship with me as SM.

Your step kids will be quite aware too. Balancing acts are important and not to be ignored. Particularly with you as SM as it is often us that provoke more of a challenge to step kids. Why make the kids lose on a, let’s face it, probably more relaxing evening with their mum eow. It’s often a very provocative move on the part of a mother towards their Ex and the SM.

Original poster
Newmumin2017 · 14/03/2018 15:55

Capes, I give up, I have tried to understand your thinking but this is an unhelpful exchange. Let’s agree to disagree.

OP posts:
ThoraCentisis · 14/03/2018 15:57

When you pay for a babysitter its the same price for 4 kids as it is for 1.
You could go out easily if you want to.

He has four children, and he shouldn't be reducing contact time so that his new family can have weekends away and nights out.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 14/03/2018 16:00

He has four children, and he shouldn't be reducing contact time so that his new family can have weekends away and nights out.

Just substitute He for ‘the mother’. As she is the only person reducing contact time! Or... is it only mothers who can do this?

Original poster
Newmumin2017 · 14/03/2018 16:01

Thank you Bananas and I’m sorry that your relationship with your stepkids suffered as a result. I really hope that doesn’t happen for me, I feel quite confident it won’t because we have very strong bonds and they are very insightful kids who are very supportive of mine and their Dad’s relationship and always have been or we probably wouldn’t be together now! Huge credit to them, they are awesome 👏. It isn’t just a case of trying to achieve a balance which is (as this thread has proved) quite the emotional minefield!

OP posts:
ThoraCentisis · 14/03/2018 16:01

She has them 10 or 11 nights out of 14 Hmm

Original poster
Newmumin2017 · 14/03/2018 16:03

Thora, their mum won’t allow us to get childcare and certainly not from a paid babysitter. We wouldn’t want to do that anyway as I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving them with a stranger but I know that is a very personal decision. Anyway, it’s a moot point because we can’t do it.

OP posts:
GlassHalfFullOfWee · 14/03/2018 16:05

As always on threads like this some people are choosing to spectacularly miss the point.

It is the schedule and pattern of contact that is not working for all parties, not the amount of contact per se.

You live far away from your family and never get to go away for the weekend to see them because it means dragging three reluctant older kids along or your DH is shackled to an all day every Saturday arrangement.

The rigidity is at odds with the ebb and flow of family life and doesn’t allow for different family members’ needs to be prioritised at different times as necessary.

Your Dd has a right to see her grandparents, you should have the freedom to visit your family when you want. Instead you’re all beholden to a timetable of contact imposed upon you by the ex, with rigid conditions attached.

As far as I can tell you’re not suggesting reducing contact, merely suggesting that a different schedule would help allow everyone to feel like they were getting their needs recognised.

I’d be hurt (and have been hurt in the past, in this situation) at the fact that your DH doesn’t see one on one time with you as something to be nurtured or protected at all.

ThoraCentisis · 14/03/2018 16:06

Thora, their mum won’t allow us to get childcare and certainly not from a paid babysitter.

It's not her business when they are in their fathers care and she has no say about it. If you want one, get one. How do you think the rest of us go out?

Dancingmonkey87 · 14/03/2018 16:06

It’s one day/night!

Original poster
Newmumin2017 · 14/03/2018 16:09

Thanks Glass, your post sums up the issue far better than I have managed to so far!

My DP does want one on one time with me but he is scared of conflict with his ex and as a result, let’s her call all the shots. I do sympathise with him as he is in a very difficult position but I do think his ex would be more reasonable than he expects.

OP posts:
Original poster
Newmumin2017 · 14/03/2018 16:12

Thora I wholeheartedly agree but there is a lot of history to this and in the past she has stopped contact if DP disagreed with her about anything but she was having personal problems at the time (kids told us but it was obvious anyway) and I believe she is doing much better these days.

OP posts:
Bananasinpyjamas11 · 14/03/2018 16:17

@glasshalffull
I think you put it extremely well. The knee jerk screams of how she as a SM or DP challenge contact arrangements totally miss these very real and important balancing issues. If this goes on the strain and resentment will affect everyone. How is that good?