Every weekend or every other weekend?

[Newmumin2017]

Hi ladies, I have been with my partner for 4 years now. He has 3 children (8,10 and 13) from a previous relationship and for the first few years we were together he had them one weeknight then alternate weekends to sleep over. This worked well as it meant we had the ability to go out and do things with friends, my family or as a couple every other weekend and my DPs ex had the same. For a while, the ex stopped DP having overnight contact (long story but she seems to have had some emotional problems which seem to be resolved now). During that time, DP was having kids over every Saturday but not to sleep. He was also having them one weeknight until 8pm and still is.

Thankfully the overnights have started again alternate weekends but on the weekends when they are not staying, DP still has them all day Saturday until at least 8pm but often more like 9pm. This is generally absolutely fine but my concern is that we can’t now ever go out on a Saturday or go away for a weekend unless we take all of the kids with us. We now have another child but we can easily get a babysitter for her but there is no way we will be able to get anyone to look after 4 kids! Also, as the baby gets older there will be things we want to do with her that the older kids won’t want to do, so I am going to end up having to take her without them or DP so DP and our daughter are going to miss out.

Am I being unreasonable to be a bit miffed at this change in the arrangements? I feel awful about feeling this way, but the situation was so different when I got involved and when we decided to have a baby. I have discussed with DP and he would prefer to go back to the original arrangements or have the kids only until the afternoon on the Saturday they aren’t staying rather than the evening but he is worried that if he suggests this his ex will fly off the handle and stop contact again.

Rosemary DD goes to bed early so she would need to stay out or we would need to be back before 8 for her bedtime which wouldn’t be possible so Saturday is the only night she can stay out when sitters don’t need to be up for work the following day.

Stepkids would not want to spend hours travelling to stay with my family and have sports, clubs etc that they would rather do and the fact that we wouldn’t be able to have more than a 24 hour visit due to restrictions on how long we are allowed to have stepkids mean taking them with us would be impractical as well as undesirable to them.

My post about court was very recent so I won’t repeat that as you won’t need to go back far to see it, around 8pm I believe.

As I said in my last post, I do think we have coverage issues now.

Why would your DD need to stay “out” (out where?) if you had a babysitter in to mind her? couldn’t you put her to bed before you leave?

Well as long as you are ok now.

If it were my dc I'd want them every Saturday, even if I'd miss Mil/pil time, no wonder your dh isn't going for court ordered time. And if you split from your dh what would be good for you. I'm a bit older and tireder

You have dismissed me.

Capes that is a good point, I hadn’t thought of asking anyone to sit in at my house as that seems like a bigger ask than for them to have DS at their house. I will ask if this is a possibility, although I suspect they would still be reluctant any night except Saturday due to being up early for work the following day.

Rosemary I’m sorry you feel dismissed, that was not my intention at all. It is just that the same questions are being asked repeatedly and I have answered them previously in the thread. It’s a pretty long thread now which is why I have suggested leaving it now.

I do appreciate you taking the time to offer your input.

its actually much more normal for a babysitter to come to your house rather than send baby elsewhere to sleep while you go out so I think this was confusing some posters - it certainly confused me.

I personally think your DH is wrong not to get a court order. He is clearly an involved parent and would probably stand a very good chance of getting what EOW and extra time during the weekend, especially as the kids sound like they are old enough to have their views taken into account.

In the meantime I would:

1. get a sitter to come to your house and go out at a time you don't have the SDC.
2. plan a holiday to see your family using leave.

Thanks Rainbow, I think the confusion regarding sitters may be because we don’t use ‘professional’ babysitters, only family as this is what kids mum does and youngest is still a baby so there are a limited number of people I would be happy leaving her with. This was mentioned but it was near the beginning of the thread.

I agree that DP should go for a court order but that’s his call, not mine.

Good point about annual leave, but would only work if my family are able to get the same time off. Worth a try and I hadn’t actually considered it so thanks for the suggestion!

Just sympathies again really. You are being entirely reasonable, you have the kids every weekend and just want one Saturday evening EOW. That is totally fine. How anyone could berate you for that is beyond me.

It’s a common dynamic, Dad feeling guilty and ignoring the knock on effects. You need to spell it out to him. Either that or have the Ex control your lives, with the step kids following her example in a few years!

And just to add, I really wouldn’t go down the babysitter or swapping annual leave etc yet. You are on a road where you are tangling yourself in knots to accommodate.... well who exactly? The mum. Not the kids, they have come to see their Dad, not be babysitted.

So of your dc is in bed by 8 when is your dp home. You said he doesnt really see her during the week. So the weekday contact wouldnt really works would it. So it would go to twice a month. Four nights a month.

DP works in different areas so the time he gets home various but due to his oldest 3 kids having late bedtimes (10pm weeknights) he gets around 3 hours contact on weeknights, sometimes more if he can get home earlier but a minimum of 2 hours so the 2 hours less a fortnight he is suggesting every other Saturday would be on average tripled by the additional night during the week.

This is why I can’t understand people saying that I am trying to reduce contact, the result would be the opposite, more contact in terms of overall time and more frequent contact.

Bananas thank you, your last posts have really helped clarify things in my mind. It really isn’t unreasonable to want to rearrange 2 hours of contact a fortnight, especially when it could be replaced with 6 hours over the same period and that would be better for kids, DP, myself and probably kids mum too if DP can bring himself to ask!

One thing just to be aware of - I don't know what your financial arrangements are, but if your DP pays child support at the rate the CSA/CMS calculate, then that takes into account the number of overnights each parent has the kids. The changes you're proposing would increase overnights, so it's possible the ex would resist the change if she's worried your DP would reduce payments as a result. If he wouldn't, then this might be useful to reassure her of.

Thanks Candlelights. He voluntarily pays more than he would be required to so I don’t think she would be worried about that but certainly worth mentioning just in case she is. We had never considered that so I’m pleased you have pointed it out.

8-9 pm on a Saturday seems too late for them to settle at DMs before bed. They can go home after tea.

Op I'm shocked at what a hard time you've had on here. You sound really fair and reasonable. Arrangements have to work for everyone. You've even said this is what the kids want. I don't understand anyone giving you a herd time. No other advice as all has been said, but don't let the ex dictate to you. Just wanted to show some support

I haven't rtft but it sounds like both you and DP want to back to the original arrangement in which case I think your DP should push for it. You are not unreasonable or selfish and I agree with you that couples need child free time. Why should you get one day a week free whereas the ex effectively gets 3? That's not fair and if I were you I'd want to go back to the original arrangement too. Good luck and I hope you manage to sort things out

I can imagine exactly how you feel, your life has been changed radically, and you have absolutely no say in it! Your immediate future now consists of, never having a weekend without DC, never having a break away for just you and your DH.
However, it's not the kids fault, and I can see how your DH is happy to see more of them! Is there any possibility of discussing this with your DH, and perhaps keeping one weekend in every 5 to yourselves, his DC stay with their DM, arrange a sitter for your DC, and make the most of that one free time together....I don't think that's an unreasonable request!

Sorry you're having a tough time of it, OP.

I know you have said it's not really an option; but IMO I think a frank discussion with your DH about having contact times set in stone would really help, whether it's via a court order or not.

I do feel for you, I have an arrangement with my EXH regarding our children, he has them when I'm at work and I have the children when I'm not at work, so every weekend and the 3 days in between shifts. I totally get where you're coming from RE spending time with your DH, as it is, DP and I never get time just the two of us. However it has always been like that for us, so it must be tricky adjusting when it seems so unstable.

Good luck.

newmum - you might have got an ounce of sympathy but you lost it all one the comparision of school, clubs etc - what an absolutely nasty bitchy thing to say.

you want more contact in the week but you get couple time 4/7 one week and 5/7 the other week.

You are determined to make him chose your joint child over his own - very sad situation. You want couple time, you want contact during the week, less at weekends, want him to choose between his DCS

Unfortunately, this is part of partnering with someone with kids. You guys have three days, with one over night, out of 14 days and nights. Whilst I understand it interferes with your perceived or wanted weekend plans- how does your partner feel? It’s not a lot of time to be spending with his children. Can there be a compromise with the mother if you have plans, instead of being frustrated at potential plans you haven’t made?

OP - you've had a hard time here. As someone said upthread, EOW was devised so that each parent gets a balance of child weekends and free weekends, and this just isn't happening for your DP. He sounds like the classic case of guilt parenting and he'll do the most ridiculous things to avoid rocking the boat.

Some posters are totting up your contact hours, but the numbers alone don't illustrate that your DP has the children for 1.5 weekends per fortnight, which is totally unfair.

If the kids mum enjoys going out with her do every second Saturday, she might threaten to reduce contact, but ultimately is unlikely to do it as it benefits her for the kids to stay at yours.

Your DH doesn’t need her permission for his family to see and watch the children, who drops them off on the Saturday? Could he not say ‘my mum will be dropping the kids off at 9’ to the ex?

The children are at an age they will want to come, and want to see their dad and new baby.

I think you're really wise OP to be considering your relationship - if that was to break down then it would put everybody in upheaval. I don't have any suggestions, but I just wanted to say that I don't think you're being selfish (there's a difference between selfish and self-care) and think you're getting a lot of unwarranted stick!

I don't think you're being selfish either - if a divorced parent wants to establish a new relationship, they have to make some time for their new partner. And if they're not prepared to do that, then I question how bothered they are.

Find a way around it and keep them included - or would be horrible for them to feel not wanted. My husband would love to have his dd every weekend. We have ds together so we do what we can together to take him places and gave a great time - dd is just missing out which is sad