Every weekend or every other weekend?

[Newmumin2017]

Hi ladies, I have been with my partner for 4 years now. He has 3 children (8,10 and 13) from a previous relationship and for the first few years we were together he had them one weeknight then alternate weekends to sleep over. This worked well as it meant we had the ability to go out and do things with friends, my family or as a couple every other weekend and my DPs ex had the same. For a while, the ex stopped DP having overnight contact (long story but she seems to have had some emotional problems which seem to be resolved now). During that time, DP was having kids over every Saturday but not to sleep. He was also having them one weeknight until 8pm and still is.

Thankfully the overnights have started again alternate weekends but on the weekends when they are not staying, DP still has them all day Saturday until at least 8pm but often more like 9pm. This is generally absolutely fine but my concern is that we can’t now ever go out on a Saturday or go away for a weekend unless we take all of the kids with us. We now have another child but we can easily get a babysitter for her but there is no way we will be able to get anyone to look after 4 kids! Also, as the baby gets older there will be things we want to do with her that the older kids won’t want to do, so I am going to end up having to take her without them or DP so DP and our daughter are going to miss out.

Am I being unreasonable to be a bit miffed at this change in the arrangements? I feel awful about feeling this way, but the situation was so different when I got involved and when we decided to have a baby. I have discussed with DP and he would prefer to go back to the original arrangements or have the kids only until the afternoon on the Saturday they aren’t staying rather than the evening but he is worried that if he suggests this his ex will fly off the handle and stop contact again.

My point is that having the kids all week does not mean the other parent should have them every weekend.

Which also wasn’t my point.

My comment about donkey work was in response to OPs dig about the ex going out on her weekends the DC are at her house. It was nothing to do with suggesting their father should have them every weekend!

OP said “but interestingly nobody has questioned why their mother doesn’t want more time with them”

@Greensleeves - that's not what the OP is saying at all.
I don't understand why some people seem to be willfully misinterpreting her.
What she's saying is that with two parents involved there's no weekend balance & that's not good for either adults or children. She's also saying that her dp won't tackle it as his ex's demeanor dominates which is very unfair on op.
She never said she doesn't want the sdcs - what she's said is that she would like the opportunity to have some alone time with her dp. If this was a bio family on a different board everyone would be encouraging them to have date nights for the sake of their relationship but because she's a sm she's getting flayed!

Capes I didn’t have a dog about mum going out, I would do the same in her position! I just think it’s wrong that I am judged so harshly for wanting an occasional weekend night out but when mum does it even on the rare occasion she has had the kids at the weekend that seems to be fine with everyone ! Double standards again.

Capes I think you are definitely misreading comments in order to be rude and confrontational. It is fine to disagree with other posters but your approach in how you put your point across is needlessly offensive and at times juvenile. I appreciate all comments including those that are critical of me because people have taken the time to offer their thoughts but I think you are being deliberately unhelpful so I ask you again, let’s just agree to disagree please because we are at cross purposes.

Magda I have taken on board the negative comments and will do some thinking and soul searching as a result but I too have come to the conclusion that much of the negativity is the result of my status as sm and therefore my relationship with DP is not seen as being important to the family unit.

Green sleeves thank you for your input, I agree a court order would have advantages but that is not on the cards.

If the situation was reversed, I would like to think my DD could spend every other weekend with me as I would want the quality time with her and would want to maintain her contact with my wider family.

Capes I didn’t have a dog about mum going out

You absolutely did!

You did the whole faux eyed innocent “I can’t imagine why she wouldn’t want to spend more time with them” followed by the comments regarding her “shipping” them off to others.

much of the negativity is the result of my status as sm and therefore my relationship with DP is not seen as being important to the family unit.

Yawn. That convenient old line “it’s because I’m a stepmum”. It’s not. Your relationship has every single weeknight and every other weekend to enjoy. You are making out that you have no time at all due to his children. No-one has judged you harshly for wanting an occasional weekend night out. Have your weekend nights out!!

I don’t understand how your partner simultaneously works so late you can’t go out together on any night other than Saturday, yet still apparently wants to see his dc more midweek. Schroedinger’s work schedule.

Capes again, you are deliberately misreading comments and it isn’t helpful to continue with what seems to have become a personal argument.

VanHalen (love the name) I can see how that seems confusing! It has to do with childcare, baby can sleep out on a Saturday night when sitters don’t have work the next day but not on a weeknight when people we could ask have work the next day. On a weeknight we would need to be home by 8 at the latest to pick baby up. Sorry I didn’t explain that one better, my DP is not (alas) a time lord!

The kids themselves have questioned why we never go out as a couple as their mum and her partner do and have also complained that they never get to do anything with their mum as she is always busy on weeknights and they hardly see her at weekends

Why doesn't your DP tell his Ex how the children feel?

I also don't believe she has the right to object to them being with grandparents as babysitters.

Surely if he took it to court, she'd be told she can't dictate like this.

This kind of control is just awful. They'll soon get to the age where they can come and see their dad by themselves...or he can contact at least the oldest to arrange pick-up.

He'll be able to let them know mum is stopping contact.

I think he should try and suggest reverting to the previous arrangement.....saying it's in the children's best interest too.

Capes again, you are deliberately misreading comments

Really? Are you seriously telling me with a straight face those weren’t digs? You’re fooling no-one.

Sandy I totally agree it would be much better with a court order so that she wouldn’t have such a hold over DP and be able to dictate things that happen during his contact time but he decided not to pursue that . He took advice from a solicitor and was told that although breach of a court order would be an offence, in reality, sanctions are rare so they are often breached and the only thing that can be done then is to go back to court. We decided ultimately that as the court order would rely on her goodwill anyway, the thousands of pounds it would cost would be better spent on the family and it would avoid putting the kids through the court process where we were told they would likely be interviewed etc.

When DSD was young it worked well for everyone when we had her from Saturday sometime until Monday school drop off every weekend plus a night in the week. It meant we could go our Friday night and her mum could go out Saturday night and we took a share of the homework/school prep too. Sometimes DSD came over for the day Saturday or sometimes she spent it with her mum. We didn’t tend to get a babysitter when she was with us as she would have been very upset about not spending the time with her dad, but I used to go out with my friends sometimes on Saturday night. If you can find a compromise that really works for everyone it is probably better than a court order.

*go out on Friday night

This would be very easily solvable if the ex would be willing to consider reshuffling the schedule.

But it sounds like she won't entertain it, and your DH is too scared to ask anyway. That's the nub of the problem.

She's unreasonable and he's scared of confrontation?

Misery. You have my every sympathy.

If your dp works so late he doesnt see your dd om weekdays how is hee gonna see his dc in the week.

Glass you are absolutely right and have summed the problem up very succinctly. Never mind, I am very blessed in the scheme of things and will just have to suck it up until the kids are a bit older. 2 of them have said they would prefer to live with us full time so if that does happen in the future when they are old enough to decide for themselves that would solve a lot of problems because then we could get an occasional babysitter! Oh but by then, the eldest will be old enough to be bribed into babysitting with the promise of a tenner and a takeaway! I joke of course, she has made it clear that she would not do it for less than £30!

On a serious note, thank you to everyone who has taken the time to leave constructive comments, I have plenty of food for thought.

Oswin my youngest stepchild is 8 years older than my DD so they stay up a lot later than she does.

At 8 and 10 they should be in bed on school nights by 8(ish) with a view to winding down / reading/ lights out by 8.30. There or thereabouts. A baby goes to bed 7/ 7.30 depending on age/ routine (if applicable). If at best there is a 1 1/2 to 2 hour window (when kids are tired). How is that quality time?

And from what I have read (and I have also clearly stated) my opinion has got nothing to do with you being a Mum/ stepmum and EVERYTHING to do with the fact that you appear completely unable to answer the simple question that if you split with your Partner and saw your baby as often as you are proposing he sees his DC’s, would you be ok with that? No you would not. So DON’t keep banging a drum to a tune only you can hear.

His contact schedule. His kids. End of story. And it will change and should change for the rest of their lives. Depending on a whole host of things that you will have no control over. I would never think it ok to tell my DP that his contact schedule isn’t working for me. If I did, I would eminently expect him to show me the door and deservedly so

I totally agree about bedtimes TooSassy but it’s not my place to impose those rules but 10 is their typical weeknight bedtime. Crazy I know but not my call.

I can easily answer the question about if I split with DP. I would obviously hate missing out on the 4 weeknights and 1 Sunday a fortnight that he misses out on and as I have said, more weeknights could easily be arranged. I have previously said that if DP and I split, I wouldn’t be happy with him having our daughter for the majority of weekend time though because I would want more weekend time with her so I would suggest a more equal split between weeknights and weekends which would seem to be the most sensible and fair solution but if I say that, I am accused of attacking their mum for not having more weekend contact!

As for your drum banging comment, quite a few other people have said they can see my point and as for your comment about it being DPs kids, schedule etc I agree and he and the kids would prefer the old arrangements or our suggested new arrangements with the increased weeknight contact. The only person who doesn’t want this is the kids’ mum! It seems however that hers is the only opinion that some people think matters so DP, kids, my DD and I just have to obey. Sorry but I don’t agree, we are a family and families need balance and compromise.

TooSassy I will directly answer the question of how I would feel if we were discussing arrangements for my contact with my DD. If I had her all day Saturday, I would happily drop her off 2 hours earlier in exchange for an additional night of contact during the week, as I would find every day that I didn’t see her at all very difficult.

Contact arrangements are meant to work for everyone not just for the mother. I don't like it when some mothers stop contact to get their own way.

Why has she changed the circumstances to every weekend? Is there a legitimate reason for it or is it just because she wants to spend the weekend with her boyfriend or something?

I am in a similar situation where we have a baby together and we have his daughter who comes every weekend to spend time with the baby. We did used to have EOW but the reasons for it changing is because that is what she wanted. Neither us nor her mum thought to take that away from her if that what is making her happy.

When we want to do something for the night on the weekend we just ask someone to mind them both. That is what we would do even if they were both ours. If we were to have an adult only weekend doing something we would get a baby sitter for the baby and tell his daughter to stay at her mums that weekend. If we were doing something family-orientated we would take both of them.

I don't think you are unreasonable as the weekend is when you spend the most time with people. A better way to do it would be 50/50 with nights in the week and every other weekend or something so both parents are seeing the children properly. Every family situation is different though and what works for one won't work for another.

Get a babysitter for your dd on the Fridays you can meet and meet him from work.

Take your dsc with you to go and see your family.

Get a babysitter for Saturday nights and if mum refuses contact because of that, go to court.

It's not that difficult.

Time lord thank you for you post. Nothing has changed and the kids would prefer a full weekend with each parent alternating and DO and I don’t see why they can’t have that but their mum must have her reasons. It sounds like you have a really sensible, child led arrangement and I am pleased you have found something that works for the whole family. Maybe one day we will achieve more of a balance.

Thank you for your comments Rosemary but your first 2 suggestions won’t work for reasons previously stated and I have already explained DPs position on going to court.

I think this thread has served it’s purpose now and I am grateful for all of the helpful suggestions but feel that we have probably covered the issues so I won’t be following any more.

It has been interesting to see how polarised people are and how keen people have been for me to ‘prove’ the truth of the facts set out such as our inability to arrange childcare or to have an evening out during the week, which I had no reason to lie about and was genuinely looking for constructive advice, which I did receive from many posters, including some people who did not agree with my concerns.

Thanks again ladies!

No actually you haven't.

Why can't you meet your dh after work on the nights you can easily get a babysitter?

Why don't you take them all to your family?

Why won't he go to court? It could make your life easier.