Am I an awful person for not going out with Dh and his kids ?

[lovescentedcandles]

My Dh is annoyed with me because I can't go out with him and his kids on Saturdays.
I work full time and am doing a PhD. I need Saturdays to clean the house and do PhD work.

If I go out with him and the kids on Saturdays, then the only day that we have together alone will be Sunday. I would then need to spend Sunday cleaning and doing PhD work as I wouldn't be able to get that done on the Saturday. We would have no 'real' time together alone.

I don't really enjoy spending time with his kids as they are loud, rude and don't do as they are told. And I would rather choose to spend any time that I have 'off' from work, PhD and cleaning alone with him and not running around after his kids. I need some down time too.

I don't think he realises that he benefits in a way because he never does any cleaning and he gets to go out and have fun with his kids while I do all the horrible household chores like cleaning the toilet and getting hair out of the bath .

He is now annoyed with me because they are out and I am at home. Am I a horrible person? He's making me feel very bad about it.

OP don't forget he should support you too! So some cleaning from him as start...

you really dont need to do more than youre already doing.

Op I sympathise. I also work, I do the vast majority of the housework, I have three children of my own with busy lives, and yet, if I suggest that my partner take my stepdaughter out on their own for some one on one time, so they can bond and I can get things done, he sees it as a rejection. My sd couldn't be arsed if I'm there or not (I've asked), she seems to prefer when I'm not (although she does get on very well with my children) but my partner insists on it being s sign of how I feel.

Like you, I support his contact in all sorts of ways, including doing all the housework and cooking etc so that he can enjoy his time with his daughter. I like my step daughter, but she's not here to see me. I'm here to support both of them, I'm not parenting her, I have no interest in it, and maybe that makes me cold. It works for me and everyone other than me DP. You're not alone, and you're not wrong.

You aren’t being unreasonable. Thank goodness he takes them out! They could be under your feet every Saturday and you’d never get your PhD done.

If his kids could behave better, you might actually enjoy the way about with them. Like you I suspect he wants/needs your help with them.

Why is their poor behaviour not dealt with?

Typo

enjoy the day out with them.

Starlight - I've just got in from work and DP and DS are cooking dinner and a pudding together, and speaking to each other!
They are both very different personalities.

It isn't the perfect setup, but it's not bad. I think I might project my feelings into my DS when he's just busy being a teenager. I don't know. Neither myself or my DP were fathered properly as children; my dad was abusive, his dad was absent, so at times it's been hard. Glad you have such strong boundaries yourself though.

It's interesting on this thread how opinions on how involved the OP should be with her step kids, vary so wildly. Good that you will do weekend stuff with them sometimes OP.

Well, tonight was nice. Had dinner with them and watched a Disney movie. Actually enjoyed it

Charley, glad to hear it's working. Have a similar background to you, so it is tricky.
Love I'm glad you enjoyed it. Genuine enjoyment will be sensed by the kids. You can have time away knowing you enjoyed being with them. It is a bond, slow but sure.