Am I an awful person for not going out with Dh and his kids ?

[lovescentedcandles]

My Dh is annoyed with me because I can't go out with him and his kids on Saturdays.
I work full time and am doing a PhD. I need Saturdays to clean the house and do PhD work.

If I go out with him and the kids on Saturdays, then the only day that we have together alone will be Sunday. I would then need to spend Sunday cleaning and doing PhD work as I wouldn't be able to get that done on the Saturday. We would have no 'real' time together alone.

I don't really enjoy spending time with his kids as they are loud, rude and don't do as they are told. And I would rather choose to spend any time that I have 'off' from work, PhD and cleaning alone with him and not running around after his kids. I need some down time too.

I don't think he realises that he benefits in a way because he never does any cleaning and he gets to go out and have fun with his kids while I do all the horrible household chores like cleaning the toilet and getting hair out of the bath .

He is now annoyed with me because they are out and I am at home. Am I a horrible person? He's making me feel very bad about it.

I think most people probably have more interest in the child they gave birth to than a step child who has two dedicated parents already. That's just being realistic.

I also don't think cleaning and studying are excuses. I don't have loads of time outside of work. I need to study and clean that is the time I can do it.

I found your last post shocking. My dh is step dad to to my ds long before we had our own dc and he is very hands on took him to football matches, played footie in the garden, jump360 etc. He is considered an established member of our family aswell with our two dc. Ds equally has a good relationship with his DF and his SM, goes away on holidays with them as a family unit. DS has two parents but also has two active parents in his life and if anything is extremely lucky if you ask me.

I think it was wrong to proceed in getting married to your husband because your not fully able to accept his existing children. You see it all the time on her about step children made to feel uncomfortable in their df home because their step mother is inviting and cold towards them.

Active step parents aswell as two parents*

I just think it would be unrealistic to say you would truly feel exactly same about them and have heard others say this. But obviously you would need to try to not let it show. If you think about it children are nearly always going to love their mum more than their step mum.

Of course but it’s nice for them if they feel that their step mother genuinely loves them too and wants to spend time with them and considers herself to be more than just their dad’s wife.
Because more than just being busy on a Saturday has come out of this, you’ve made it clear you don’t want to be a family unit.

So I should give up my PhD and leave the house to get really dirty so that I can spend more time with them and be a family?

So you've started a goady thread about if you should feel awful, when you clearly don't give a shit nor will you change anything anyway.
If you were a partner or girlfriend, then no you wouldn't be in the wrong. But by marrying someone with kids you automatically take on their kids in a step parent role. Your detachment from them is quite shocking really and I feel sorry for them. Being nice to them isn't enough. I am nice to people I meet in the street. There is no intimacy coming from you.
I have a job and a phd and kids and manage. To be honest you need much more than one day a week on a phd even if studying part time. At what stage are you? Data collection? Lit review? Write up?
I get the need to focus on that and yes studying requires much silent alone time to think. So in that respect YANBU. But as a stepmum, you leave a lot to be desired.

No lovescentedcandles don't give up, you're doing the best you can, but maybe consider 1 day a month with your extended family if your dh gets on board with helping you with the routine tasks.

Does it really have to be one or the other?? Give up your PhD and "leave the house to get really dirty". Dramatic much?

To me it is coming across loud and clear that you are rather indifferent towards your step children.

Not being goady.

I do 4 hours a day as well. 2hours before work, 1hour in lunch and 1 hour after work. If Dh is doing something else on Sunday I will also work then.

Taking your question at face value, if spending time as a family was important to you, you could get a cleaner, and split your work between Saturday and Sunday or at least have the odd day with the kids.

But by marrying someone with kids you automatically take on their kids in a step parent role

Where does it say this exactly? Is it the law?

The over the top response says it’s al and quite childish you can share the chores and spend an hour with the dc and your dh you just don’t want to. God knows why you would marry someone who had kids you consider them an inconvenience. You will have a completely different attitude once you have a child of you own and I hope you realise how awful you were about these dc.

I'm not awful to them. That's ridiculous

I'm sure when you've finished your PhD things will be easier for you to prioritise more time with the sc. Sounds like you've been under a lot of pressure and your dh isn't appreciating how much you're doing. I work full time and am doing a qualification in my spare time.... it's no PhD and I find it hard going. Children are demanding, I don't think you're doing anything cold hearted or mean. Fair play to you op

You don’t class them as anything but your dh children not part of a wider family unit. When you marry someone with dc you should take on that you would play a role in their life.That’s not healthy to not have a happy relationship with them. You have no issues with the ex so why can’t you make an effort?

You're using quite inflammatory language op. Ridiculous it isn't. You are not being openly awful but you sound very cold. Skippety no it's not law but common sense says that if you marry, ie make a lifetime commitment to someone with children, then the children are a part of them, not just an inconvenience. And also, that it doesn't take that long to clean a house. Make cleaning a joint effort. Or get a cleaner.
People talking about finishing a PhD are referring to it as though it's a qualification like a degree/masters, where there is a timescale. I was told during mine that it was 'only one more year'. It isn't like that. It is dark, hard work, sheer endless graft. It isn't going to suddenly be over and then everything will be better and they can do more together. Phds suck the life out of many families. And OP has said after that they will TTC. So between now and then, there will be no time when she can or will go out with them on a Saturday, probably before her own child is born. And then, as she hopes, they will be doing other things on a weekend. All rather sad really.

OP you're doing nothing wrong IMO. If you do compromise and go out once a month, make sure you're there as another person just enjoying the day, not picking up his slack (unless he reciprocates by doing his share of housework).

I used to be very engaged with my DSCs - going out with them, playing games, baking, sitting through hours and hours of the likes of Hannah Montana or Alvin and those fucking Chipmunks etc etc.

A few years later when the kids were old enough to start buying their own Christmas presents for people...both dad and mum got amazing, thoughtful gifts (that wouldn't have had any input from the other parent) so obviously capable of choosing decent presents. Me, who did shitloads for them and was the driving force behind a lot of nice times they had with us (dad's not useless, just no imagination) got a hideous floral "print" (totally generic, not anything they'd have thought I'd like) two mugs and a tiny bottle of bubble bath, all from the pound shop. Not that the cost was the issue, they all know I love baking so I'd have been delighted with cook stuff from the pound shop. Obviously this isn't about presents, it's about me putting in as much effort into them as their dad yet not being deemed worthy of literally five seconds of their thought. It brought into sharp focus just where they view me in the hierarchy of their lives, even though we all get on! Since then I've taken a massive step back, just do the odd bit of shopping and cooking for them now, and guess what? They don't view me any differently than before!! My mental health is loads better as a result.

I agree with those who say you
Should go out with them sometimes, but not every week is fine. Also you should gently encourage your dh to let them entertain themselves a bit at that age! I encourage it in my 2yo . But, adding a baby into this is a challenge. You will need to think carefully about how you continue to make the children feel welcome and like a sibling to the baby, I don’t know if your intuitive behaviour would achieve that.

My partner often had to be 'leant on' to do stuff with me and DS as a family unit. I found it really hurtful, and I'm sure It impacted on DS, (who also has a dad) and whereas he used to adore DP, as he got older he's become more distant with him.

DP sometimes wonders
why teenage DS hardly speaks to him. To me it's quite clear why.

Thanks. Maybe I am crap at this and cold. I try quite hard and try not to be. I am just stressed and tired and wanted some time to just relax. But I think I can maybe do it if I do another hour in the evenings and get a cleaner.

So yeah, I think you should go out with them all sometimes.

Maybe if your dP did more housework, you'd be more inclined to do more parenting?

Love your'e not crap. It must be hard with being really busy. Especially so when you don't have your own children yet
You need time to do that PhD more than that. Could you get another day a week from somewhere? PhDs are naturally isolative but very draining and also quite hard on mental health. I think if you weren't so pressured you may want to go on the odd day. I am only replying through my own lens of being a parent whose children have a stepmum. Your life sounds a real juggle, I just think that if you saw the kids as your family not his (I know it's hard), it would all seem a bit more 'easy'? As in you may feel less of a skivvy (although I don't, and they're my kids!).
Charley50 in which case why are you still with him?!
No way I'd stay with someone who my son knew didn't want to be around him. Bloody hell.