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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Am I an awful person for not going out with Dh and his kids ?

234 replies

lovescentedcandles · 24/02/2018 11:41

My Dh is annoyed with me because I can't go out with him and his kids on Saturdays.
I work full time and am doing a PhD. I need Saturdays to clean the house and do PhD work.

If I go out with him and the kids on Saturdays, then the only day that we have together alone will be Sunday. I would then need to spend Sunday cleaning and doing PhD work as I wouldn't be able to get that done on the Saturday. We would have no 'real' time together alone.

I don't really enjoy spending time with his kids as they are loud, rude and don't do as they are told. And I would rather choose to spend any time that I have 'off' from work, PhD and cleaning alone with him and not running around after his kids. I need some down time too.

I don't think he realises that he benefits in a way because he never does any cleaning and he gets to go out and have fun with his kids while I do all the horrible household chores like cleaning the toilet and getting hair out of the bath Hmm.

He is now annoyed with me because they are out and I am at home. Am I a horrible person? He's making me feel very bad about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
lovescentedcandles · 24/02/2018 23:01

@starlight I get a very decent number of annual leave days from work so I use all of them to study and bank holidays. I also do 4-5 hours study on weekdays and at least 1 day at the weekend. Unfortunately I do need to work full time. I'm managing to get what I need to done pretty much it's just the rest of my life that's suffering (I don't really have one).
I know my husband needs me to support him but I also need support from him too.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 24/02/2018 23:14

Bluntness has absolutely nailed it with this..

You need to let him know you do not wish to co parent or support and will remain disengaged. He will need to accept that or walk away from you. In this it's your decision he cannot force you.

FlippingFoal · 24/02/2018 23:22

OP I feel for you - I have moved out from living with my DP due to unreasonable expectations of my role with his DC. I like them very much, individually they are lovely little people, but together they are a nightmare - there is 5 years between them with DSD being the eldest at 11 and DSS being the youngest at 6. They spend their whole days winding each other up. Life with them is very stressful and when I lived with DP I used to find myself getting dragged into the referee role. It made me uncomfortable... The same on days out.

I too am studying (MSc), work full time (and then some! this week I am doing 96 hours) and I have 3 horses. I found it very hard to balance my life pre-SC with life with SC. My view was they aren't my responsibility so why should I make sacrifices when they have a perfectly good dad who can do things with them?

I loved having them around - they would get in bed with me in the morning whilst DP sorted us all breakfast in bed, they wanted me to read to them at bedtime, would sit with me on the sofa if we were watching a film. But I didn't want to get in the whole discipline thing - I found it exhausting.

Now we are living apart the expectations are less which is a huge relief (I know this isn't an option for you). One thing I do differently though is I spend 1 on 1 time with individual children. I find them much easier to manage like this. It means dad gets one on one father daughter time and also father son time, whilst i get to bond individually with them too. I take DSD horseriding and DSS swimming. Both are activities where they need instruction so it is a way of me establishing an authorative role slowly. Now they have respect for me like this I sometimes say 'come on, listen to your dad' when they are playing up and ignoring him and get a positive response.

Behaviour modification needs to be a slow thing though or you will all end up resenting each other. Until your DH sorts out the bad behaviour, or you bond with them enough to be able to guide them, and support him, days out will be stressful.

Sometimes I wonder if it is worth it, but then other days the love I get from these people who choose to love me rather than being forced to is amazing!

So after that long message - have you considered spending a short amount of time with one child and then the other. Allows your DP to have individual time with each child (rare for single parents) and also you to bond with less stress.

SandyY2K · 24/02/2018 23:22

Why are they so badly behaved? Does their dad not discipline them?

TBH I really dislike poorly behaved children...especially when their parents don't try and correct the behaviour. I'm short of patience on that front.

I suspect if they were better behaved you might not be so resistant to going out with them.... so I honestly don't blame you for not wanting to go out with them.

Beanteam · 25/02/2018 07:51

I think that assuming DCs will be off leading an independent life when you have your own DC is easily not going to be the case. They could be hard up adult DC still living at home or hard up adults with partners or even babies still living at home and it could easily be your home if they don’t get on with their step dad.
It is worth building a warm relationship with the SDCs now and then you are there to help support them into adulthood. And the rewards for you in that scenario are as big as the rewards for them.
Taking them out individually as suggested above is agreat way to get to know them just for a couple of hours is a start. Nice for DH to have one to one.

WhiteCat1704 · 25/02/2018 08:28

Your DH needs to help with cleaning thats number 1, or HE pays for the cleaner.
You are under no obligation to take care of his children, even if you are his wife.
The amount of stories from adult SC having no respect whatsoever towards their fathers wifes is a huge eye opener. They mostly don't give a shit. They have their mother and father and don't accept you as a main family- just read about step parents on SCs weddings..

Do what's best for YOU!
And OF COURSE you will love your child much much more than SC. It's natural. Your own child will love you much much much more than a SC would too..

I have personally tried and tried and spend loads of time with my SD. We are ok now but I'm NOWHERE near her dads(or even her friends) importance to her..I get gifts and it's nice but I doubt very much if she would care if I left..I have spend insane amount of time on her bond with my DS and I'm not really convinced she cares about him that much either.
Sbe says she does but ehh..She is 17 though so maybe its still her age..

S0ph1a · 25/02/2018 08:38

The OP is doing ALL of her husbands share of the cleaning so he can spend 3 nights and one day a week caring for HIS children.

Why would anyone suggest she is not supporting him ?

How many men do this so that their wife can spend all her free time having fun with her kids ? I don’t know any. All the step fathers I know bugger off and do their hobbies / see mates when their step kids are over. And everyone praises them.

Some of you need to get a grip.

0hCrepe · 25/02/2018 10:20

The step fathers I know- my female
friends’ new partners are extremely hands on and involved and refer to their step children as their own. I often see them out with their own new children and step children and not have the mother there.

Original poster
lovescentedcandles · 25/02/2018 10:33

@ohcrepe that's great if it works for them but doesn't work for everyone. My step kids don't feel comfortable with their step dad referring to them as his kids and making them call him dad. They have a dad who is there for them. I think it's confusing for them.

OP posts:
0hCrepe · 25/02/2018 11:30

It does work for those I know.
I was pointing out that not all step fathers are disinterested and congratulated for being so, which is what Sophia said. I think that’s unfair to the hands on step fathers like the ones I know.

0hCrepe · 25/02/2018 11:31

Obviously the children need to feel comfortable with it.

0hCrepe · 25/02/2018 11:34

And there’s a huge spectrum between calling yourself their dad’s wife as opposed to step mother and calling yourself their mum.

Original poster
lovescentedcandles · 25/02/2018 11:39

But they're not really going to call me step mum! So first name is good

OP posts:
0hCrepe · 25/02/2018 11:45

I said how you refer to yourself.
You previously said you consider yourself to be their dad’s wife not their stepmother.

Original poster
lovescentedcandles · 25/02/2018 11:50

Practically though, I don't see how that matters.

OP posts:
IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 25/02/2018 11:50

I honestly can't see the problem here. It is good for kids to have time alone with their parent. A step parent is not a parent and shouldn't have to give up study time in order to coparent someone else's children!
She is not being horrible to them or sayong they are unwelcome in the house - she is merely maintaining her own life and interests.
Seems to me your dh wants all his own way - he gets to work and study, whrn does he propose that you study, seeing as he wants all this change?
If he was mine I'd tell him he was bloody lucky that I was willing to cover his 50% of the housework, thus freeing up his Saturdays to spend with the dc and he needs to stfu recognise that this was my contribution to his family life!

CrabappleBiscuit · 25/02/2018 11:50

I think your approach is fine. They aren't your kids. As they get older things will change and the relationship change.

We got a cleaner as I couldn't be arsed spending my time cleaning up.

0hCrepe · 25/02/2018 11:52

Look you’ve asked about not spending more time with the kids, against your dh’s wishes and not wanting to be a family unit. Many people have said you could find ways to be more involved.
You clearly don’t want to be but not everyone agrees with you. Arguing about it is pointless if you really don’t want that. I’m not sure why you sought opinions if you didn’t want to hear them!

Charley50 · 25/02/2018 11:58

Starlighter - it's not that my Dp doesn't want to be around my DS, he just didn't want to do certain things with us. He would come for a walk or bike ride for example, but not to the school summer fair or a school friends barbecue. He and DS like each other, and have some shared interests, Cooking and gaming, that they do together without me.

But as DS has got older I think they would have had more of a bond if he had been more of a parent, rather than a friend, which has been his 'style.'

DS is 15 now and basically does his own thing. He's a lovely well adjusted young man.
I don't actually know how this has affected DS, just speculating. It's just that Ive noticed lately he communicates more with me than DP. When he was younger he much much preferred to hang out with DP.

So it's not a black and white situation. I think boys and dads and indeed step dads can have issues at this time. Sorry for long post and to hijack thread OP!

starlightafar · 25/02/2018 12:01

You are backtracking there Charley. You said your DS had pulled away because you observed that your DP had to be pushed into doing things with you both. You said your son was aware of that, has less of a relationship now and that your DP doesn't understand why, but you do.
That basically shows that your son knows your partner couldn't be arsed with him.
I reiterate that no man I was with would have to be encouraged to spend time with me and my children. So no, I stand by my comment.

Original poster
lovescentedcandles · 25/02/2018 12:20

@ohcrepe as I said before I have taken advice and in addition to making and having dinner with them the 3 mon-fri evenings he has them I will take part in one Saturday a month and more if I can.

OP posts:
S0ph1a · 25/02/2018 12:55

So the OP makes dinner for his kids and does all his share of the housework. She works 7 days a week - 6 days in employment, one day on her PhD and one day on housework.

But that’s still not good enough is it ? she has to be Disney step mum as well in her non existent free time.

0hCrepe · 25/02/2018 13:49

Lovescentedcandles I hope you’re all happy with that. Smile

Original poster
lovescentedcandles · 25/02/2018 13:55

In all honesty I don't think it will make any difference to the kids, for me I will probably be more stressed as I will be worried about getting things done but Dh will probably appreciate the help. But I do need to support him as his wife.

OP posts:
UtterlyRainbowed · 25/02/2018 14:01

You do support him as a wife. You make his children welcome and cook for them. You do all the housework.

He needs to support you more. Jesus heck!

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