Am I an awful person for not going out with Dh and his kids ?

[lovescentedcandles]

My Dh is annoyed with me because I can't go out with him and his kids on Saturdays.
I work full time and am doing a PhD. I need Saturdays to clean the house and do PhD work.

If I go out with him and the kids on Saturdays, then the only day that we have together alone will be Sunday. I would then need to spend Sunday cleaning and doing PhD work as I wouldn't be able to get that done on the Saturday. We would have no 'real' time together alone.

I don't really enjoy spending time with his kids as they are loud, rude and don't do as they are told. And I would rather choose to spend any time that I have 'off' from work, PhD and cleaning alone with him and not running around after his kids. I need some down time too.

I don't think he realises that he benefits in a way because he never does any cleaning and he gets to go out and have fun with his kids while I do all the horrible household chores like cleaning the toilet and getting hair out of the bath .

He is now annoyed with me because they are out and I am at home. Am I a horrible person? He's making me feel very bad about it.

Yes @user1474652148 and when dh resentment kicks in

Scenario I can foresee:

OP feels forced into going on day out
Kids play up (sounds likely)
OP struggles to hide the fact that she is not enjoying herself / says something that criticizes kids or DHs parenting
DH gets annoyed with OP
Everyone has a miserable time
OP wishes she hadn't bothered

It's easier (and more enjoyable tbh!) to stay home and clean the house!

I wasn’t brave enough to mention dh resentment I will be savaged

Fml what have i set myself up for

Although honesty is the best policy

How about another scenario:

Op chooses a day out she might enjoy and is child friendly
Dh is thrilled she is making an effort
Op buys children small gift/reward to give to them at the end of the day if they behave well
They have a wonderful time
Op realises dc are actually good fun and enjoys herself
Dh relaxes he has always hoped for a day like this
They get home make for chocolate, play a board game and help with the cleaning

Perhaps I have watched Cinderella too many times

If that resembled the situation in any way, shape or form, the OP wouldn't have to spend half her weekend cleaning 🙄

True

doing a fucking doctorate in her spare time and spending the rest of her spare time cooking and cleaning for her husbands children, and apparently she is "cold and unwelcoming"

The misogyny is astounding.

I'm more interested in the kids behaviour why are they acting out? That's more important than the cleaning.
I think it's fine you spend Saturday on your own. He should do stuff one to one with them. I wouldn't mind doing the majority of the cleaning if my partner pulled his weight with other chores.

Agree branleuse

In fact I’m pretty sure I’ve seen threads suggesting the OP who is Mum take their shared DC out for the day whilst their father studies because it’s impossible to study with kids in the house. Especially a 6 and 9 year old who misbehave.

Totally confused why OP has been given such a hard time!

I'm more interested in the kids behaviour why are they acting out?

I'm going to guess that (given that at least one of the OP's posts have mentioned criticising his parenting), they're being Disney-Dad'd half the week, which won't help.

I think hearing different people's views of what a step parent is is very interesting. I am very like the OP I guess, I'm kind and welcoming to my DSC like I would be to any child in my home, but I consider myself to be quite separate - so if for example I wanted to take up a hobby that meant I wasn't around much when they were here, then I would, it wouldn't occur to me that I shouldn't. It's not that I don't care, just that they are not my responsibility. Horses for courses I guess.

They don't need to go out while I study. I have a room where I can work. He just likes to take them out.
We do both need to study. Part of having kids is providing for them. Both studies will help us to raise income and we can (hopefully) get a slightly bigger house so kids can have their own rooms.

Thanks for the input and replies. I agree @Skippetydoodah it is interesting. But also a bit scary. It seems like there are so many ways you can get things wrong! I wasn't expecting to get this many responses it's a bit overwhelming!

user are you a stepparent or a parent, you last post really made me laugh I have never in my life had a day with my kids or SCs that was that was idyllic 😂😂😂
I think maybe you have been watching too many fairytale films

@Winosaurus same here. I actually laughed out loud at the thought of the kids cleaning! Not that they should clean. They are really too little to do things like clean the bathroom.

Agree bran the misogyny is shocking

And also th ability to fucking read what’s written without making bits of it up in their heads.

Good luck OP with the studies I think you are being reasonable EXCEPT I’d make DH do some fucking cleaning.

User we all wish for a life like that!

Op needs to spend more time with dc if she has any chance of a happy family life once her own dc arrive. Not to mention a good marriage. We all have to compromise, even without the added sc dimension.

Think users post was tongue in cheek to be fair

Jeden op chooses to do the cleaning. It is hardly a case of misogyny if she wants and chooses to do the chores, her dh is not insisting she does or telling her that is what is expected. It is a tacit agreement.

I don’t know why people are being so hard on you OP. You’ve said repeatedly you like the children and your description of being like an aunty sounds nice. They can hang out with dad while you get on with your stuff; great. It’s what I’d do if I was a step parent. Let them get on with it. Interesting that people who had step parents by and large think you’re doing the right thing.

I think the thing is is that it can work or not work in so many ways, there really is no cookie cutter recipe for this step parenting stuff. Different situations, personalities, how relationships develop (or don't) will all shape how each step family looks.

OP has your DH articulated why he's 'annoyed' that you haven't gone with them today? If anything given that he is studying himself he should understand why it's better for you to do it today then have some proper down time yourself tomorrow when the children aren't around rather than have a day out today (which doesn't sound like it would be relaxing at all) and then spend the only chance you have tomorrow for some peace and quiet doing your studying and housework.

Maybe they can see something you can't Jammy the problems further down the line.

Rocket. The misogyny isn’t the cleaning, it’s the general theme of blaming and assumptions, the default the should sacrifice herself, her studies for her husbands kids.

Reverse the sexes in this, then see how those comments would look.