Am I an awful person for not going out with Dh and his kids ?

[lovescentedcandles]

My Dh is annoyed with me because I can't go out with him and his kids on Saturdays.
I work full time and am doing a PhD. I need Saturdays to clean the house and do PhD work.

If I go out with him and the kids on Saturdays, then the only day that we have together alone will be Sunday. I would then need to spend Sunday cleaning and doing PhD work as I wouldn't be able to get that done on the Saturday. We would have no 'real' time together alone.

I don't really enjoy spending time with his kids as they are loud, rude and don't do as they are told. And I would rather choose to spend any time that I have 'off' from work, PhD and cleaning alone with him and not running around after his kids. I need some down time too.

I don't think he realises that he benefits in a way because he never does any cleaning and he gets to go out and have fun with his kids while I do all the horrible household chores like cleaning the toilet and getting hair out of the bath .

He is now annoyed with me because they are out and I am at home. Am I a horrible person? He's making me feel very bad about it.

You are. You are behaving as if OP has said “I don’t want his children here, I don’t want to see them, I want him to pretend they don’t exist” when in actual fact she has said they are there 3 nights a week where she eats dinner with them when she gets home on time (like lots of full time parents you read about on MN) and that on Saturdays she cleans and studies whilst they go out with their dad. Lots of dads on MN do hobbies on weekends and don’t spend it with their children and the usual response from MN is that it’s fine as long as the Mum gets the same amount of free time to pursue a hobby. But apparently OP, who isn’t actually either parent of these children isn’t allowed to use her own weekend from her full time job to study and clean her home. Much of which will have been cleaning work created by those children.

Its awful that youre not interested in his children at all.

As for having children of your own? It will be a disaster because you'll want your child to come first with your DH at the expense of his other children who you have no interest in. It will be one big competition. I think you need to foster a relationship with your stepchildren before you bring another child into this mess.

phelan dh wants op to be more involved and feels sad she isn’t around. Having dinner a few times a week in the same room doesn’t amount to involvement sorry

There's a thread in here today asking if it's unreasonable not to want to be a step mother to your DHs kids.
There are a lot of us that don't !
I am my husbands wife.
I am MY children's father.
He is HIS children's father.
His dc are not raised in the same way mine are. I would t want to be involved in parenting them. I have my own to look after.
I have been their 'sm' for over a decade but enjoy my position in our family as their adult friend.
It works well for us.
This was an especially handy stance when DH ex thought I was going to be free child care !!
parent them as it would

phelan dh wants op to be more involved and feels sad she isn’t around.

Ahh come on now, you’re making things up. All we know is that he is annoyed OP isn’t with them when he takes the DC out. She said annoyed. Not sad. And she hasn’t said that he wants her to be more involved, just that he wants her there when he takes his kids out. We haven’t yet heard why he wants her there. Like I said earlier, I suspect it’s so he has someone else to share the work with because his children aren’t well behaved.

There is nothing wrong with her choosing to be uninvolved. There is no law that says you marry thr whole family and have to parent your partners kids. Every single family is different. It's wrong to say "this is how I think it should work and everyone who disagrees with me is wrong". That's not ok.

Where she is going wrong is she's not talking to her husband and being honest. If she had he wouldn't keep asking her. So they need to sit down and she needs to tell him she will remain disengaged. It's not up for discussion and how he feels about that and deals with it is his choice.

Right now the pair of them are playing tug of war. He's articulating his expectations. She's ducking the whole issue with him.

The poor OP has a full time job and is studying for a PhD. How many of you have studied for a Phd????
It's not doing your GCSEs. She wants a bit of down time cleaning on a Saturday. The DCs are there 3 nights a week and apparently the Saturday too but somehow - the OP is supposed to do more???

My only comment is that regardless of who is taking most responsibility for the DCs they will be in your life for ever OP, so maybe it would be an idea to get together with DH to work to improve their behaviour when they are at yours. Just small things to start with but really at that age they shouldn't be too difficult to manage. Imagine if they don't learn to be considerate what they will be like when teenagers.
I don't know how long the Phd or DH's studies are going to take but it's worth fitting some time sooner or later with the DCs to work on the behaviour issues.

I feel genuinely sorry for ops stepchildren.

Perhaps I have watched Cinderella too many times

Hahahahaha meant Mother I am definitely not my children's father . No gender self identity changing here .. just fat fingers...

OP presumably chose to study after entering the relationship and later marrying a man with two DC. Fair enough if she was honest with him from the start that she would tolerate and live with them but did not wish to spend time with them.

Thanks for the responses I am taking them on board.
As for @user1474652148 ...you don't need to feel sorry for them because they are well cared for. They have two parents who love them and provide for them. They have two secure homes. Both parents have spouses who also care about them. I don't think there is anything to feel sorry for. Seriously, there are much worse situations out there.

As the kids get older, you might find their company a bit more tolerable?

I understand what you’re saying OP about the other stuff you need to do and them not really being your responsibility. But maybe If their behaviour is really so bad, Your DH just wants some support/a slight glimmer of interest/another adult to talk to on these epic days out.

But yes, once a month going to the cinema or something might be nice?

Don't feel sorry for them at all ! They have both a mother and a father spending focussed time with them. They are no doubt deliriously happy.
Her DH may not be so happy because he sounds like a chore dodger and would like half the childcare shared with his partner. Boo hoo now he has to do it himself. ! Perhaps if he shared the cleaning OP would be more inclined to help with his child care..

Yeah silly me for choosing to study again after I met my partner. How dare I want to progress my career.
Same story for my husband, he chose to study again too as without the qualification he cannot get promoted in his area.

There are also much better situations out there too op, like step parents that care deeply even love the children as their own and know the true meaning of family.
Deliriously happy might be stretching it with a checked out step mother, and a father that is living like a single parent.

I know if I was childfree i’d Certainly think I was in a position to undertake some career progressing study. Why would someone else’s children be a hindrance to that? They have two parents caring for them. I can’t believe people are implying that OP shouldn’t have taken on a PHD because her husband has children.

It sounds like this is a problem for your DH. I'd compromise and go out with them one Saturday of the month. I think that's what's best for your marriage.

BUT I think you have a far bigger problem if you want kids with him. His parenting is poor or at least poor enough that you really don't like his kids. You have no reason to believe he will parent your child together differently. The older kids will be your child's half siblings and will be an influence on him or her. It will be far easier on everyone if your relationship with the older kids is closer before a baby arrives. You need to hammer out the parenting first too or it will be disaster woe and misery adding a baby.

My oldest DSC is 15 and she adores her baby sister. She isn't the easiest child to be around but she has enriched my daughters life. I'd have really taken something away from them both if I hadn't facilitated that relationship despite the fact that the older one can be a real pain in the bum! You. Red to form a cohesive set of siblings albeit half siblings. If you don't think you can or want to that with these two existing children I'd advise you either don't have a child of your own or you walk away. It may seem harsh but I don't think you can estimate the emotional upheaval bringing a new baby in will cause in a divided family.

Just read all of the post and I agree with arguments on both sides but @user1474652148 you really are just after an argument with somebody, making assumptions and getting your knickers in a twist

The DC are very low on your priority list, as you’ve admitted, below day to day work, study, housework and DH.

The DC will notice the huge difference in treatment if / when you have DC with your H.

Seriously?! You have to be kidding

I just think it's got to @user1474652148 and she's passionate about it that's all I don't think she's up for a fight

I think it's hard to get your point across without being face to face

I think what you are doing with the step kids is fine.

Don’t get dragged into disciplining then because their father doesn’t like their behaaviour, he needs to deal with it .

Take all day Saturday to do your PhD and you and DH split the housework 50:50 on Sunday.

I hope does at least half the cooking too as his kids are there 3 night and one whole day a week.

Does he wash his kids clothes too and clean their room ?

Listen it doesn’t make one jot of difference to me. It’s not my life. But I do think it could be a nicer more congenial atmosphere if op made some effort. A shit load of karma will kick in when they are teenagers and the fall out becomes more apparent. However boring I think op needs to go with the monthly visits