Am I an awful person for not going out with Dh and his kids ?

[lovescentedcandles]

My Dh is annoyed with me because I can't go out with him and his kids on Saturdays.
I work full time and am doing a PhD. I need Saturdays to clean the house and do PhD work.

If I go out with him and the kids on Saturdays, then the only day that we have together alone will be Sunday. I would then need to spend Sunday cleaning and doing PhD work as I wouldn't be able to get that done on the Saturday. We would have no 'real' time together alone.

I don't really enjoy spending time with his kids as they are loud, rude and don't do as they are told. And I would rather choose to spend any time that I have 'off' from work, PhD and cleaning alone with him and not running around after his kids. I need some down time too.

I don't think he realises that he benefits in a way because he never does any cleaning and he gets to go out and have fun with his kids while I do all the horrible household chores like cleaning the toilet and getting hair out of the bath .

He is now annoyed with me because they are out and I am at home. Am I a horrible person? He's making me feel very bad about it.

Jeden I hardly think a monthly one hour visit or trip to the cinema constitutes sacrificing her studies.

I am reversing sexes, and if it were her dc and he was refusing to anything to do with them beyond sitting at a dinner table and calling them rude everyone on MN would be screaming LEAVE!

If anything op is having an easier time on here trust me.

@Skippetydoodah he hasn't really gone into the reason why. I need to ask him about it. I think it is because he needs help looking after them. But I could be wrong.

Op, you aren't doing anything wrong. I suspect he would like adult company rather than being desperate for you to bond.
In fact, your easy manner and lack of desperation to become their new mother probably makes you more appealing to the children.

I have lost count of the number of threads I have seen on here where the roles were reversed, and the advice was to leave your dp/dh if he can not make an effort with your dc because it is so detrimental to their wellbeing, why would it be different for op?

If I really wasn't bothered I could just stay at work later and get more of my studies done instead of coming home to cook, have dinner with them and clean up after them all afterwards.

I feel a bit for the OP's DH here. It's one thing to clear the decks by taking the children out so OP can study (or clean - although I don't think OP actually said at all whether she had given her DH the option of her coming along and them cleaning together on Sundays).

It's another thing again to say your days out will always be just the children and dad. Imagine, the forecast is good (a rare event where I live), great day for a theme park trip (or whatever) and OP is not flexible enough to say yes I'll study/we'll clean tomorrow, let's all go out and enjoy the day.

It's OK if he's taking them swimming for a couple of hours but he must feel like a single dad week in week out.

I also would be wondering if I was him what would happen if I brought further children into the family

That is a good point @Pleasebeafleabite I do probably need to be more flexible sometimes. I'm just finding it hard to do everything at the moment.

Does he need to take them out every Sat? I get that he only sees them half the week, but on some Saturdays couldn't they entertain themselves for a few hours while you both share the housework and then spend a few hours together in the afternoon? Or, he does the housework in the morning while you do your PHD work and then you all spend time together in the afternoon. Not every week but once or twice a month maybe?

I see that he likes to take them out on a sat but maybe some compromise is needed on both sides?

@WhatWouldTheDoctorDo yeah I think that might work. But he would never leave them to just entertain themselves in another room whilst he is looking after them. I don't know whether people do this when kids are this age (6&9). I think he thinks that he can't leave them to play in another room. I don't know as I don't have dc of my own so I'm not really sure at what age you can do that.

YANBU. I'm studying for my degree and I've already said to my OH that as soon as it gets closer to exam period I'm not coming out with him and his son because I need to revise. He understood. I actually thinks he likes having some time with his son where it's just the two of them.

Yeah they should be able to watch a film with some popcorn or read a book play games or on the wii or something unsupervised like they properly do at home quietly so you can study and Dh tidy I think this is very normal and DH cook you all some lunch etc

I think they shouldn't have to be entertained everyweekens it leads to spoilt kids they should be able to just be once in a while

If you had a baby and it was cold out they'd need to get use to staying in once in a while and self entertaining if they have stuff at you're

@Helpimfalling thank you that's very helpful. I also agree with kids just needing time to chill and play at home. Their mum obviously likes to take them out too and if they're both doing this I wonder how much chill time the kids are getting.

Absolutely fine to be entertaining themselves at that age. I have a 9 year old and certainly been doing for a few years. You do children a disservice I think if you fill their time for them all the time - being able to cope with being bored and figuring out how to entertain yourself is important! It's not like you're leaving them at home alone - set them up with a board game, a movie, drawing etc. And check on them periodically. Also give them chores to do? It takes longer, but again, good life skills! My 9 year can keep himself busy for hours if we don't have plans at the weekend!

OP, I agree that your DH should be helping with the cleaning. As suggested, he doesn’t need to go out every Saturday. Do the cleaning together and go out in the afternoon. Kids that age don’t need to be watched every second. He could do 1 Sat on his own, 1 together with you and split the other 2 days, all sorts of options. Stay home and play games as a family?

I get that they are not your kids but you married a man with children and they then became your family. You should be engaging with them more. I’ve seen the reverse of this where stepdad makes it clear he wishes he had mum all to himself, yet he chose to marry her knowing she had 2dc.

It’s great they get time with DH on his own, my DD would love that, but it needn’t be every Saturday.

Woah this thread is intense!
Op I think What you are doing is absolutely fine. I don't understand why anyone would think you're under any obligation to engage with dc at the same level as your dh. I think giving them that space is lovely and you're also studying a PhD so hats off to you. I don't have much time off and when I do I prefer to go out and see friends or do chores than spend extra time with sc. I think if you want to compromise and do one Saturday a month that is great but don't feel under any obligation. And as for someone earlier saying sp should love sc, lot more easily said than done. There are some days when I don't even like my sc...
Let your sc let you know what kind of relationship they want with you, they'll let you know if they want more enagement!

This thread is quite depressing - certainly not a fountain of human kindness. Since when did any child become an obligation? Biologically connected to you or not. Op I wonder what dh would think of your true feelings?

Not again, really.... what 'true' feelings?
You love giving me a hard time @user1474652148

Its quite insulting really. I do my best and have never been 'unkind' to the children.

user are you a step parent?

Having been in the situation where my dad’s ex wife rarely came out with us and seemed to find us annoying I would say that kids just want to be loved and want to feel that you love them. It’s obvious you don’t if you choose to stay at home and clean instead. She didn’t work though and the amount of time we spent with him went down to one tea time a week.
Just be careful when you do have a baby because questions will be asked about how your baby is treated so differently to them.
I could never marry a man who didn’t want to be involved in my children’s lives even if they saw their dad a lot. I guess it’s your husbands though, I’m sure he knew what you wanted from the start.

I choose to stay at home to primarily do PhD work. But I also do some cleaning. Someone has to do it.

Thinking about it I don't think that step parents who work weekends would get the same backlash. I need time to do my study work and I should be able to have some down time too. It's not ideal but as someone said there are no cookie cutter families and solutions.

Also there will be a 10-15 year age gap between any future child and them. So I think it's unlikely that many questions would be asked.

I think the problem you have op is you have never connected or bonded with your dh dc. It’s a shame really surely this should have been a deal breaker before you got married and the fact you have created a thread about the issue has highlighted that it’s been noted that you seem disconnected and not as involved as a standard step parent would be.

It sounds as if you use your studying and cleaning as an excuse not to get involved in family life. The fact you didn’t really consider yourself a family unit in your pp is extremely sad. All children that age can be a handful or misbehave they aren’t perfect they are just children.

You see yourself as you and your dh and the dc them rather as a family unit. When you do marry someone who does come with children you should consider yourself part of your family unit. No one is suggesting you spent every weeekend with them but at the very least make some effort to spend quality time and make memories. If you don’t you and you have your own dc I can foresee some major issues. The last thing you want is to step children to feel excluded and uncomfortable in the family home. How long have you been together?

Sorry but I don’t agree. I anticipate your step children will be quite hurt when you blatantly have more interest in your own child than you ever did for them. But as I said it’s your husband’s fault for marrying someone who wasn’t prepared to offer his children what he wanted for them. You’re asking for opinions and I’m giving you the perspective of a (well behaved) child with 2 disinterested step parents.