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Original poster

Am I an awful person for not going out with Dh and his kids ?

234 replies

lovescentedcandles · 24/02/2018 11:41

My Dh is annoyed with me because I can't go out with him and his kids on Saturdays.
I work full time and am doing a PhD. I need Saturdays to clean the house and do PhD work.

If I go out with him and the kids on Saturdays, then the only day that we have together alone will be Sunday. I would then need to spend Sunday cleaning and doing PhD work as I wouldn't be able to get that done on the Saturday. We would have no 'real' time together alone.

I don't really enjoy spending time with his kids as they are loud, rude and don't do as they are told. And I would rather choose to spend any time that I have 'off' from work, PhD and cleaning alone with him and not running around after his kids. I need some down time too.

I don't think he realises that he benefits in a way because he never does any cleaning and he gets to go out and have fun with his kids while I do all the horrible household chores like cleaning the toilet and getting hair out of the bath Hmm.

He is now annoyed with me because they are out and I am at home. Am I a horrible person? He's making me feel very bad about it.

OP posts:
exitbreak · 24/02/2018 13:05

I personally think you should spend some saturdays altogether and then on the Sunday do household stuff together. It'll be done quicker then you could have the rest of the day together. It can't be nice for him that you're prioritising housework over his kids all the time. Come to a compromise?

FancyNewBeesly · 24/02/2018 13:07

You’re married - whether his kids behaviour annoys you or not, it seems rather cold to distance yourself from them this extent. I would be hurt if I were your DH or the kids, but then I wouldn’t be expecting you to do all the housework.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 24/02/2018 13:08

But he does his studying when he wants to, doesn't he?

I think the OP's doing the right thing - why should she give up her PhD to go out with him and his kids?

Marcine · 24/02/2018 13:12

Does he want you to come to spend time together or to help him with childcare?

Nanny0gg · 24/02/2018 13:17

Do you spend time with them when he has them in the week?

calmandbright · 24/02/2018 13:21

I think there’s a compromise to be had here. What about spending 1in3 Saturdays as a family, but with the insistence that he finds time to do more around the house. On the Sundays of those family weeks you can then do your PhD work, you both together have a quick whip round with the duster/hoover then commit to doing something nice and couply in the eve. Would that work?

theredjellybean · 24/02/2018 13:22

i think it is ok if you need the time to study or clean, but i do think its a bit odd tbh.
Your not exactly forming a cohesive family here...but then i always felt that dp's children were part of the package and we were a family .
Sometimes they needed time with their dad, and sometimes they just were here, in the house ( which i always felt was as much their home as their other home or mine ).
You say he has them EOW but he takes them out every saturday ?
Why do they have to go out ? is it cus you dont want them in the house?
What happens on the week day nights ? do you all act as a family or does he have to take them out then too ?
I would feel very sorry for the children and your DH, you give the impression you really dont like the kids and you dont want to form a family together...

theredjellybean · 24/02/2018 13:23

Plus if the kids are there at the weekend, you could all do some chores , and then maybe compromise on they get a trip out so you can do some study in the afternoon...what happens on weekends your DH doesnt have teh children ?

Original poster
lovescentedcandles · 24/02/2018 13:43

I haven't said he has them EOW.
He has them every Saturday and 3 evenings mon-fri.
He likes to take them out on Saturdays but does have them in the house as well.
Weeknights he has them in the house for dinner and I eat dinner with them.
I don't feel like we are a 'family'. He is their dad and they are family. They have a Mum, they don't need another one. I am nice to them but honestly don't feel much of a bond or like their 'parent'.

OP posts:
Original poster
lovescentedcandles · 24/02/2018 13:44

I think the cleaner idea is good. But would they clean my house? I feel like they would laugh as I only have a small house!

OP posts:
swingofthings · 24/02/2018 13:46

I don't really enjoy spending time with his kids as they are loud, rude and don't do as they are told.
It sounds like neither does he and he is cross because he's left to deal with them on his own when he is tired and deep inside would much rather not spend time with them. Of course he can't say that though, so just get annoyed that you get to be home alone in peace and quiet.

His kids though, his responsibility not yours.

theredjellybean · 24/02/2018 14:05

"I don't feel like we are a 'family'. He is their dad and they are family. They have a Mum, they don't need another one. I am nice to them but honestly don't feel much of a bond or like their 'parent'."

poor children and poor DH....

Original poster
lovescentedcandles · 24/02/2018 14:06

Why poor children and poor DH @theredjellybean . They get to spend lots of time with their dad and are well cared for. I am nice to them when I am around them. What have I done so wrong?

OP posts:
theredjellybean · 24/02/2018 14:14

i think its sad that you see them as just something your DH deals with, and not part of your relationship.
I think your DH must sense this and probably asks you to come out with them to try to encourage more of a bond, i cannot imagine how hurt i would have been if my DP had acted like that around my dc or me to his.

Kids sense when they are being just tolerated and i do wonder if you give them a feeling they are not that welcome .

when you have a child, how will you feel then about your dh disappearing every saturday all day with his other children ?
will you see his children as part of your family then as they will be your dc's siblings ?

I just feel it is sad that you dont see yourself as part of a blended family and think this is likely to get worse when you have your own child

Dozer · 24/02/2018 14:20

Bit weird to marry him and have 50% of your time with his DC when you dislike his DC.

Almost impossible IMO to work FT, study for a PhD, have a relationship and be a parent: you’re a step parent and seem to have chosen to opt out of much of the parenting, which I guess is fair enough, though not ideal. Were you upfront with your DH about it before marriage?

PhelanThePain · 24/02/2018 14:23

But would they clean my house? I feel like they would laugh as I only have a small house!

I’m a cleaner. I’ve cleaned tiny spotless houses while the home owner sat on the sofa and chatted to me whilst I worked.i have no idea why they felt they needed a cleaner, but it’s not my job to wonder, just to clean. As long as they pay me I don’t care how small or tidy or dirty their house is.

LBOCS2 · 24/02/2018 14:24

Hang on, it's not unreasonable for OP to say that she's not their mum. She's not. I have a DSS who I love dearly, in a completely different situation to the OP - and I would still say that I'm not his mum. He has a mum; and it's not my place to get in the way of that relationship, nor would I want to. He's just lucky because he has two EXTRA people to love him.

OP, I don't think you're being unreasonable in the way you're dividing up the time you have between the things you have to do (and you're ultimately facilitating your DH seeing and concentrating on his DC as much as possible) but equally it would probably benefit the whole family dynamic if you did make a bit of an effort with them periodically. It's not always easy but it won't get any easier if you leave it.

Also, yes, a cleaner will definitely clean your house. Our house is... cosy, and we have a cleaner!

Original poster
lovescentedcandles · 24/02/2018 14:27

@theredjellybean I don't see them as something he just deals with and haven't said this. DH finds their behaviour challenging which is why I think he wants me there to help him out. Kids have not been made to feel unwelcome. They are always welcome.
I don't know about when we have children. I see them as part of his and his mums family. If we had children together I would probably see them as my child's family too. They will be in secondary school by then so might be doing different things on Saturdays.
I suppose it is sad but I don't see where I really fit in? I don't have children yet so we're not really a blended family.

OP posts:
Original poster
lovescentedcandles · 24/02/2018 14:29

Also @Dozer I already have said this but I don't dislike his dc. I dislike their behaviour at times.
I don't know how someone could say they dislike a child. That's not the case here. I do care about them, just don't feel like a parent.

OP posts:
Iloveacurry · 24/02/2018 14:33

I don’t think you need to spend every Saturday all together. It’s good that they get your DH to themselves. So no, you’re not being unreasonable.

Original poster
lovescentedcandles · 24/02/2018 14:35

Something else to mention I think they quite like that I haven't pushed myself on to them too much. Their mum has done this with her husband and they were quite resistant to it.
I think they see me as an aunty type figure which suits me fine. They've got a Mum and she is a good one... so I don't think I need to push myself into that role too much.

OP posts:
Helpimfalling · 24/02/2018 14:37

@theredjellybean I couldn't agree with you more

Original poster
lovescentedcandles · 24/02/2018 14:39

Fair enough @Helpimfalling. It is good to hear different opinions on this.
What do you think I should do differently?

OP posts:
gillybeanz · 24/02/2018 14:41

Why isn't he doing any cleaning if you both work?
he should be pulling his weight.
If he sees kids on Saturday then he should be cleaning friday evening leaving sunday free for you.

Helpimfalling · 24/02/2018 14:43

op how do I say this without being mean

You sound really cold and if I was DH I would be dubious about having children with you as I feel you don't make them feel unwelcome but your not exactly welcoming

You never say we eat dinner you say you sometimes eat with them implying you don't ever cook for them or do anything as a family

Although you said you don't see them as family

Do they stay over ?

If I was reading this and my partner had wrote this about my kids I'd cry honestly and if I was there mother I would really not want you there after reading this

You sound like you can take it or leave it with them not like you have any ounce of love for them even as kids let alone DHs kids

If I was DH I would be inviting you along and trying to start a bond especially if kids were on the horizon
Maybe that's what he's doing

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