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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

DSS respite suspended until April

211 replies

ElChan03 · 23/02/2018 17:03

Not really for advice but to stop myself crying. DSS respite provider has been suspended until 4th of April due to a bureaucratic fuck up by Ofsted and now we have dss every weekend and every night until 6th of April at least. That means going 8 weeks without respite and includes Easter holidays. I haven't slept more than 4 hours in a night since 12th feb.... I was really really looking forward to a proper sleep tonight.
I don't even know what I'm going to be like by April!!!
We've spoke to the social worker who said she'll look into it. Don't feel too hopeful, especially since a new respite person would take months to settle him into if we got it.

Ahhh! Sorry for second rant in less than a week.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

fuzzyfozzy · 17/03/2018 21:37

What about an air bnb for a few night. To give you some head space

Original poster

ElChan03 · 17/03/2018 21:44

I hadn't thought of that. I shall look into it.

OP posts:

Footle · 17/03/2018 22:36

Go, and get some rest.

Kirsty0612 · 18/03/2018 09:25

I agree get a budget hotel for a couple of nights and get some sleep! This is an awful situation but it might be time to walk away .x

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 18/03/2018 10:22

OP I've just RTFT and you sound so wonderful. But I'm worried too. Are you sure your dp is a good man? You say he's a wonderful father, but dss aside he doesn't seem to be caring for his dd, let alone you. How on earth has it come to the situation where you are paying the vast majority of bills, without having your name on the house? And if your dp is happy for you to finance his family, why aren't you allowed a say in how that family works? Unless it's doing the crappy admin chasing work...

I'm so sorry if this gives you pain, but that's just my overwhelming feeling from reading everything you've written in one go. You're taking on more than anyone could ever reasonably hope for, yet I don't think you get one single thing in return.

Out of interest, is your dp older than you? I'm just aware that he met you when you were very young, and I feel you've been taken advantage of, to be honest. You are so incredibly young to be taking on the strain of a deeply complicated and hurtful family situation.

It's ok to leave, if that's what it comes to - and you could always be there for the dc, if you want to be. I suspect in the future you will be an absolute lifeline to your dsd.

for you.

mikesh909 · 18/03/2018 20:03

And if your dp is happy for you to finance his family, why aren't you allowed a say in how that family works? Unless it's doing the crappy admin chasing work...

Yes, I hadn't thought of it from this angle. But it's so true. The financial contribution that you make, i.e. the majority one, as well as the time and effort you dedicate to these tedious tasks because 'you're better at them' gives you a stake in these decisions I think. By taking on that responsibility you are effectively saying that you (plural) ARE a family, and you are treating your finances and your time as such. You are, quite literally, putting your money where your mouth is. Your DP, in presuming to make family decisions without your input, without even the thought that your input should be sought or considered, is quite wrong.

Original poster

ElChan03 · 19/03/2018 21:00

Update
We have decided to break up.

Thank you for all the support everyone.

I will be moving out as soon as I can.

There's no saving this.

OP posts:

WazzitCalled · 19/03/2018 21:06

Aww, good luck with everything OP. I'm sure you must feel very sad and disappointed how this has worked out but it sounds like you've done an awful lot more than most people would have.

I hope you don't feel guilty. Make sure you look after yourself and don't rush into any new relationships. Take some time for yourself

💐

LoveProsecco · 19/03/2018 21:09

ElChan that's a hard but brave decision. You sound like a wonderful person & I hope you have a more fulfilling future. You deserve more

mikesh909 · 19/03/2018 22:07

I imagine that must be so hard for you after everything you've done. I hope it feels like the right decision? Breakups suck but they are also the beginning of new opportunities, and you so deserve some of those!

Footle · 19/03/2018 22:46

You have done your very best. May the years to come be calm, and fulfilling in different ways.

Solasum · 19/03/2018 22:53

@ElChan03 good luck with everything. I think this is absolutely the right decision, and I wish you strength for the coming months.

If your XP would consider it, if you could keep an ear open for his DD, I think that would be a great kindness to her.

lakeshoreliving · 19/03/2018 23:11

That is very sad for you but it doesn't make it a bad decision. Wishing you the very best for the future.

JaniceBattersby · 19/03/2018 23:13

That’s really sad but I can’t see that there was any other way forward for you. Good luck.

notapizzaeater · 19/03/2018 23:15

That sucks, but better now than further down the line. Take care of yourself, you've put everyone first now it's time to look after you.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 20/03/2018 06:28

I'm sorry for you but honestly think it is the best decision for you.

Please don't feel you have in any way let the dc down. They have been very, very lucky with all you have done for them.

Now concentrate on yourself, and absolutely no one else.

FreiasBathtub · 20/03/2018 06:35

ElChan thinking of you. Hope you have your mum and other support around you right now. A hard decision but one that needed to be taken. You have given everything, and it still wasn't enough. There was nowhere left to go. Hugs.

fuzzyfozzy · 20/03/2018 08:07

Best of luck!

EllieMe · 20/03/2018 08:40

Good luck for the future, OP.

You did all you could, walk away with your head held high.

WhiteCat1704 · 20/03/2018 08:44

It will feel much better once you are out and some time passes.
It is the best decision for you.

GnotherGnu · 20/03/2018 08:45

I know this may be too late to help, but if there is a care plan in place that provides for respite, then it's enforceable by law in your DSS's name (which means he can get legal aid). SS can't just leave it to you to find somewhere. Your DP should consult solicitors with expertise in this area.

TempusEejit · 20/03/2018 14:26

ElChan

FWIW I think it's the right decision, this man couldn't offer you a future that didn't involve a whole world of hurt. Good luck sweetheart x

Original poster

ElChan03 · 20/03/2018 14:36

I tried really really really hard to make it work. I gave it everything I had.

It just wasn't enough.

OP posts:

fuzzyfozzy · 20/03/2018 14:42

I don't doubt that you tried, what's not clear is how hard he tried.
Look to the future now.

DaphneduM · 20/03/2018 14:59

Dear girl, you have done everything you possibly could for this family. As a much older woman, who has seen it all, I really believe you have made the right, albeit very tough decision. You are lovely and believe me, in the future will find the happiness you truly deserve with a man who is totally right for you. Heartfelt good luck to you.

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