DSS respite suspended until April

[ElChan03]

Not really for advice but to stop myself crying. DSS respite provider has been suspended until 4th of April due to a bureaucratic fuck up by Ofsted and now we have dss every weekend and every night until 6th of April at least. That means going 8 weeks without respite and includes Easter holidays. I haven't slept more than 4 hours in a night since 12th feb.... I was really really looking forward to a proper sleep tonight.
I don't even know what I'm going to be like by April!!!
We've spoke to the social worker who said she'll look into it. Don't feel too hopeful, especially since a new respite person would take months to settle him into if we got it.

Ahhh! Sorry for second rant in less than a week.

The first thing I thought when I read the beginning of your thread is...she needs to move out. The more I read, the more I think it.

Of course DP wants to get married...who wouldn't want to bag someone financing his family and supporting their needs. If he was caretaking your needs then that might be feasible, but he's not at all. None of this is sustainable over the long term. You are too, too young to give your life away. I know you love him and I know you love his children. You can offer support from a different house, with some sleep. Hell, even a place for DSD to visit for respite too. Really, I do think you should consider it. You are throwing your whole life away with no promise of anything for you. If you move out, you will then see how serious your DP is about sorting the situation out. He needs to know how serious this is. Of course residential care makes utter sense in this situation, for his daughter alone, let alone for himself and for you. He is being a complete ostrich by refusing to start the ball rolling with that. Move out and see whether things change...especially if you say he will be able to support himself financially. He is just not thinking rationally or fairly. Do you think he might be offering marriage and a baby in an attempt to keep you sweet?

You give such wonderful advice mikesh909.
I am thinking and in no rush to make a decision about things yet because I don't want to make the wrong one.

I love my dp very much and that love enabled me to want desperately to support his children. I still want to.

We are both tired and stressed and this is causing us to take out frustrations out on one another.

I have no annual leave but my next weekend off I will take myself off to my mum's for a rest.

The emergency respite is on the 11th April

You sound utterly incredible op, I can't believe that you're only 25 as well. I completely agree with the poster above who mentioned that you could provide a safe house for dsd if you had your own place. At your age you should be enjoying being young, you sound so ground down by it all. Can you get to your mum's or a friend's house for a break sometime? Just having the space away might really help you to have a good think about things

Sorry just seen your update.

There is no need to make a quick decision. Your DP sounds as though he needs time to process his thoughts and you do too.

If your DP goes down the road of residential care it will take time to sort out. It sounds as though this situation took time to develop so it will likely take time to unravel.

I've got a DD who is similar age to you. I'd be horrified if she was considering marrying a man like your DP and taking on such a heavy burden of family and financial responsibilities. Please think about leaving as sometimes you have to accept that love isn't going to be enough to sustain a relationship.

That is great that your DP has recognised what you told him and what we've all been saying here - that a specialist residential placement is not a dumping ground for abandoned children, but a place where the space, facilities, experitise and staffing levels all come together to mean the life experiences of DSS can be enhanced beyond anything that he will ever be able to manage at home. That is a massive turn around from the other night. Maybe it has given you some hope that his initial reactions were made without much thought?

You've done a kind thing in recognising that he feels as frustrated as you do right now and that a lot of the recent interactions can be put down to that.

V glad to see that you've got some breaks on the horizon.

OP, you do sound a very, very kind person.

Op you sound incredible.

I also have a severely disabled child, at the moment he is still young so his behaviour isn’t to bad as I can still fully restrain him without hurting myself to much, there is a very strong possibility that he may need residential in the future and I can honestly say the first time someone mentioned it I was very defensive, said no he will live with me forever, il cope, it will be fine, I’m not dumping him off, he’s my son, he needs me etc etc but as time goes on and you actually think of it deep down you know that they would be better off in residential .. they can support there needs in so many ways, days out, lots of staff, it would only enhance there life in more ways then what I could ever do on my own... but it does take a moment to actually think about and I was so defensive when someone mentioned it to me and refused to even speak about it. It would break my heart if I had to send him to residential even if it was the best thing for him! .. I am sure your partner knows deep down that he needs to have a proper think about residential so I’m not surprised he’s done a 180! But it’s hard, so hard for everyone involved.

You are both very stressed! But his behaviour has also been unacceptable, he shouldn’t be taking it out on you when you have helped so much and it’s so clear you care!
You should defiantly take some time out and make sure this life with him is something you really want!

OP you are exceptionally kind as everyone says, and you are doing things that no one has the right to expect of you. Why?

Op you sound like a wonderful person who has done everything you possibly could for this family and you can walk away with your head held high knowing that you have behaved with amazing care and integrity...but for the love of god walk away. I’ve read the whole thread and nothing indicates this man is worth what you are going through.

ElChan I've just caught up on your thread, WOW! What a lot has happened. Good for you. I know it's been hard but just imagine if you'd never had that first conversation. Now it's all out in the open, DP has to really think about what's important to him and what he might have to change in order to get that. Saying what you feel is HARD, especially if your'e not a fan of confrontation so really well done (hoping I don't sound too patronising!)

As to what's next. Definitely agree with PP that you need to take a few days alone to do some thinking. I agree with mikesh and others that you shouldn't sacrifice the future you've envisaged with a child of your own. But only you can decide whether that future is possible in your current relationship. FWIW, your DP comes across from your posts (to me, anyway) as someone who is just about keeping it together day to day, who hasn't had the time or energy to stop and think about the future and your needs - he doesn't seem malicious. But that in itself may not be enough - and perhaps it's difficult to know how different he'd be if the strain of DSS was lessened?

You are clearly a very kind and loving person who will habitually put other people first, but do use the time at your mum's to think in a way that you would probably consider 'selfish' Any factors to do with DP, DSD, DSS and what they need, don't count in your decision making for now. Is this relationship right for you in the long run? Do you think DP will make a good dad to your child? Will he be a good husband to you? What needs to happen before you feel that the two of you are in the right place to start your own family?

Ultimately, only you can decide what's right for you and how much you're prepared to sacrifice. One thing that strikes me from your posts is that doing something that's right for you, even if it has negative consequences for other people, might be a very difficult decision for you in particular. If that's the case, do think about therapy - I have found it very useful in helping me to be a bit kinder to myself and to allow myself to have wants and needs even when these cause disruption to other people.

Big hugs. Keep going. You remain amazing

Thank you for lovely replies

Ex wife is officially pregnant and will be telling dsd at the weekend.

I'm really upset right now.
This is so unfair.

Oh gosh, not the development you needed.

No I don't think it was.

No, but maybe a catalyst for further discussion with your DP - it's not as though you'll be raising the topic simply out of spite or wanting to nag/pester the situation, I would imagine that your DSD will mention it.

FWIW I think the ex-wife is shit. She abdicates all responsibility for her disabled son, but is happy to have another child. What will she do if that one has disabilities, give him/her away too?

Oh my goodness. How dreadful for all of you.

Have you looked at a residential school for term time? 💕💕💕

This is one that I know of

www.cambiangroup.com/childrensservices/specialistresidentialcareservices.aspx

Any residential unit will.have to be paid for.by the public purse, and fought for by the parent who cares for him.
Placements can.be.up to quarter of a million pounds a year.
The OP.has no say in this. :(

I'm no expert (I think
That's obvious!!)

My cousin works in a Cambian home in Somerset and it's a godsend to many parents. But it's very expensive

I'm well aware of how expensive it is. I work in adult services and am well aware of the huge cost of social care.

You're right though. It isn't down to me to make this decision.

My dp has only just started to consider it as an option. There is a long road ahead of him to fight for this if he wants it.

We are no further forward at the present. We are both hurting a lot atm.

Sorry to hear things are still bad. Maybe it helps to separate the ex wife's pregnancy from the situation you face. It is of course supremely selfish to abdicate all responsibility for her son and then get pregnant again but if she were NOT pregnant, nothing would be different, would it? Her being pregnant might feel like an additional kick in the stomach but it's not the reason why you're not and not in the situation to even consider it.

From what you have said about her, I think the best course of action as far as she is concerned would be to minimise contact and interaction as far as possible with this toxic person. I appreciate that might not be so easy with dsd to consider but hopefully the extent to which you need to be involved with her pregnancy will be minimal.

Have you / your dp brought up the topic of residential care for dss again? Is your weekend off coming up soon?

Residential is a sore subject.

Dss has just broken his safe space and snapped a pole. This is how hard he throws himself about.

I'm exhausted what with all the fighting, the sleepless nights from stress and noise, the worry about making the right decision.

I'm just tired now.

It's easy to say I need to leave at least for now... But it means finding somewhere to live and I haven't really got anyone around to help me. I moved to a different county for my dp.

I also don't think for a second he's selfish but he has only been trying to do his best by his children.

This is so difficult