DSS respite suspended until April

[ElChan03]

Not really for advice but to stop myself crying. DSS respite provider has been suspended until 4th of April due to a bureaucratic fuck up by Ofsted and now we have dss every weekend and every night until 6th of April at least. That means going 8 weeks without respite and includes Easter holidays. I haven't slept more than 4 hours in a night since 12th feb.... I was really really looking forward to a proper sleep tonight.
I don't even know what I'm going to be like by April!!!
We've spoke to the social worker who said she'll look into it. Don't feel too hopeful, especially since a new respite person would take months to settle him into if we got it.

Ahhh! Sorry for second rant in less than a week.

I was going to go up last Tuesday just to stay one night but what with all the snow that didn't happen. Then we had him home from school for the rest of the week anyway.
I'm really struggling. Turned my back for a minute this evening and he urinated on the sofa and now I have to wash the covers and the cushions. I just feel like crying

The social worker asked but we've heard nothing yet. The Easter holidays are so scary right now.

There are probably very few respite providers suitable for a young person with those needs.
The SW probably has very few options of alternatives.
It might be worth checking to see if they'll pay for a care agency to look after him in your home?

I'd also check some charities to see if they could help with.the cost of soundproofing?

If 𝐘𝐨𝐮𝐫 dp can grab couple hours sleep/ down time whist he is at school, it’s fair that you get a night to sleep too- you will be so much more useful when rested!!
Do you have access to funds for respite? Could you make quick poster for school? We regularly had them at my school in staff room. I’d put in plea about respite being pulled- even a few hours during day would help in holidays.

The funding isn't the issue as social services pay for the current arrangement. Social worker has contacted the school to see if any staff would be able to help us. And we've applied to the local available respite at SIL but haven't heard back yet from anyone.
Ofsted have suspended current lady as she is also a registered childminder but they haven't been clear with social worker and her manager about how dss is affected by this. Just suspension. In the email back from Ofsted when we complained it was basically contact your local social care for support. In the appeal meeting respite lady said lots of questions whether dss is a danger to children which is nonsense as respite is completely separate to childminding time.
Feel so dejected

You need to share the night waking surely? If you are so tired then you will sleep. Arrange with DP. You will wake him when you hear his son start to wake. You need to put more in place to help each other as a family

I like the sound proofing idea will ask dp to discuss with the OT. Dss safe space seems to amplify his volume I swear. Especially when he's bouncing and throwing himself back against the walls of it. It's in the middle of the room so this doesn't hurt him at all.

You need to share the night waking surely? If you are so tired then you will sleep

In theory this is what DP and I do for our son - I sleep deeply from 11pm to around 3am, but then more fitfully and am prepared to get up to our son as necessary. DP is a night owl, stays up late, so takes responsibility until 2-3am.

In practice, I'm a Mum. I cannot sleep deeply if my son is awake, playing, shouting, wanting company. I can doze but I'm always alert to him. it doesn't matter how tired I get, I'm just far too tuned into the noises he makes.

I can't share it. I physically struggle to sleep through the noise. It's never been such a big issue before because normally I get 2 whole nights to catch up every 2 weeks.
Plus I try not to complain about his noise because I chose to live here I guess.

Amazon have soft headbands with earphones sewn into them, they are designed so you can sleep with them on. If you wore them and hooked them up to some white noise from your phone, it might help you sleep through... I think they are called cozyphones

Oh my! They sound amazing. I will look into that now! Thank you so much SeatoSki!

Tough day yesterday dp in tears saying he feels he's failing dss because he's starting to struggle and is really worried about the holidays. He feels like a failure. I don't know how to help. I wrote a really long email to social worker to say if we go 4 more weeks without any support it will break us. I said to DP because I'm only his fiancee I don't have any real saying power concerning his children so he need a to be the one to ask for help and a solution. I think this is where the failure feelings came to head.
Dss headbutted him really hard yesterday too so I don't think that helped either.
I've never seen him cry like this before. The no respite and the fear that the particular person who does it may not be able to continue with dss has really thrown the future into chaos.
Sorry to keep writing on this thread but it's helping me keep it together.
Being a step parent is so hard

Sounds as though your DP is paralysed by overwhelm. He absolutely needs to be the one to ask for help even if it's you who's writing the emails then he sends it to the social worker from his email address. Sorry you are having such a tough time bur your DP needs to act, if not for himself but for you before he drives you away with his inaction. And honestly, no one would blame you.

I know he does. Even for dss sake because we can't even do half the activities he does with respite... every time we try it ends in meltdown. So it means atm he's not having a fulfilling life like he normally does.

God OP...it sounds horrendous..I don't want to sound awful but what are you getting out of this relationship?
I just know I wouldn't be able to do it...I struggle with my own very young DS not sleeping properly yet..sleepless nights are a single deciding factor on why I won't have more children AND my DS is improving now..I really can't imagine signing up for lifetime of this for somebody's elses child..

Sometimes @Whitecat1704 I don't know what I get out of the relationship. Hard times like now and I just think I can't do this any more. But I love my partner and I worry what would happen to them all if I wasn't around. Dp would be all alone and have no one to support him.
But I keep going!

Good news the social worker has responded to my pleas and has agreed to an emergency meeting and is bringing family link sw to attend to help us find options and help us. So fingers crossed.

I would also like to add my cosyphones arrived yesterday and whilst they didn't drown out the volume of his shrieking and banging... it gave my brain something else of focus on and it got a little bit more sleep than normal so a complete win in my book.

My mum is coming over this weekend and has booked us a night in a bnb so a full nights sleep to look forward to on saturday!

Thank you for all the support on this thread. I really appreciate it all!

Best of luck with the SW ElChan, I really do hope things start getting better for all of you. It makes me feel so sad reading your story because step parenting is a tough gig at the best of times let alone what you go through. Enjoy your mum's visit!

Thank you TempusEejit. I really appreciate all the advise and support you've given.

@ElChan03 - I've just read through this thread & I cannot believe how strong you are. I really admire you.
I love my dp to bits but can't even think to 'parent' his three (who have no SN)!!!
I know you said mum can't be an option but it must be so hard it all falling on your dp.
I've no words really but just sending you a virtual hug.

Thanks @Magda72. It is hard I think that's why he is so upset and feels so guilty. Because he's all they have.
I feel under an enormous amount of pressure to fill a gap in their lives without filling it at the same time. I keep going I'm sort of hoping one day it's rewarding and I'll feel like I did my best and I made a difference to their lives even if they don't know it was me. I hope then it's all worth it.

Just wanted to say it sounds like you’re doing an amazing job, my dss has complex needs and we struggle with eow - couldn’t imagine doing it full time.
I’m assuming dss is at an SEN school-is there an option for him to go residentially?

The meeting with social worker is tomorrow morning. So will have to see how DP is and whether he's honest about how hard it is.

Finally got a full night sleep!

My mum threw a curveball though and I wasn't expecting it. She said she hurts when she hears me crying down the phone about my life with the family. Aside from dss there are lots of other issues and she thinks I should move out and get some space. She even offered to help.
She said that I shouldn't be so unhappy all the time due to things out of my control.
Without the respite it has definitely thrown a lot of questions about the future with dss. Dp has said he wants dss at home until he's too old to manage him. Which is great and I admire him so much. But doesn't leave much scope for me and I didn't think about how much the future would effect me until this happened. I guess I just assumed we'd make it work. However knowing that's what dp wants I couldn't possibly tell him how I feel about me wanting a child one day not fitting into that as it wouldn't be safe to or fair on dss who wouldn't understand.
My mum thinks it's unfair for me to sacrifice my chance to have children and a normal future for the family.

Feel so confused right now. And definitely can't tell DP. My mum has really thrown me this weekend.

That sounds so tough how old are you ? I think you need to think really long and hard I can’t see how you could have a child in your situation. Your mum sounds like she cares a lot and is right good luck

I'm 25, although these days I feel about 40.
Like carrying the world on my shoulders.

I have a previous thread about the children's mother being pregnant... it sort of feeds into this I suppose.

I don't know, I feel like a massive bitch writing my last post. It's not the children's fault and I've put my heart and soul into supporting them and their father to the best of my ability.

Just writing through tears now because I just wonder sometimes what's in it for me and then feel fucking selfish for thinking it.

I really feel for you. It doesn’t sound like your DP is managing DSS at home though. What will be the point he draws the line? When DSS headbutts you? His sister?

I am inclined to agree with your mum. If you want a child of your own one day, that can’t happen in your current set up. Would your DP consider residential care for DSS at all? If he wasn’t with you all the time, perhaps you’d all have the reserves to be better and happier parents.

It must be awful for DSD too. Does she ever get any time with her dad?