DSS respite suspended until April

[ElChan03]

Not really for advice but to stop myself crying. DSS respite provider has been suspended until 4th of April due to a bureaucratic fuck up by Ofsted and now we have dss every weekend and every night until 6th of April at least. That means going 8 weeks without respite and includes Easter holidays. I haven't slept more than 4 hours in a night since 12th feb.... I was really really looking forward to a proper sleep tonight.
I don't even know what I'm going to be like by April!!!
We've spoke to the social worker who said she'll look into it. Don't feel too hopeful, especially since a new respite person would take months to settle him into if we got it.

Ahhh! Sorry for second rant in less than a week.

ElChan good for you! I think those are all good resolutions.

I just reread some of your earlier posts and this really jumped out at me.

I do agree we are approaching breaking point; even if that breaking point is me and my stupid feelings.

Your feelings aren't stupid, never ever. Your feelings are your early warning system. If you break your leg, the pain you feel is to tell you something is wrong. Your body is saying 'stop walking on this bloody leg, you're going to do even more damage!'. People can and do walk on broken legs in the most desperate circumstances, but even then not for long.

Your feelings are the emotional equivalent. If you are feeling close to breaking point, that is because you are and there is NO SHAME in it. Everyone on this thread is amazed that you've lasted as long as you have without completely collapsing. You need to sit down, get some attention to the pain those feelings are trying to tell you about and think about how to carry on so that you give it the time and space it needs to heal.

I've been trying to express this in the right way, it sounds so trite because we are so conditioned to think we should just keep on, other people have it worse - we talk a lot more about our physical limits than our emotional ones and, as far as emotional strength goes, I think you're kind of an Olympian! So please please give yourself the break you deserve.

Keeping everything crossed for a fruitful conversation this evening.

Agree wholeheartedly with everything freias said. Hope your conversation tonight goes well.

I think your DP has been very wrong in allowing you to effectively subsidise his family life, financially and emotionally. It is avoiding confronting the issue.

It sounds as if you are being a great mum to DSD, trying to make her life as normal as possible. What is your partner doing though? It sounds as if you are the proactive one.

As DSS is already 11, he is shortly going to be impossible for you to stop physically. Of course it wouldn’t be his fault if he seriously hurt you, but that doesn’t mean it would hurt you any less.

Hope the conversation tonight went well

Update it didn't go well

Sorry to hear that what happened ?

It is very hard to have your heart set on one kind of family life and have to give up that dream. A really big change like your OP will have to get his head round at some point is going to hurt.

Hope you are okay.

I was wondering if his ex army background had any influence on his coping at all costs strategy that he had at the moment. Is there any counseling he could get through any veteran support? It may be easier for him to talk things through with a neutral unknown person, perhaps from a similar background to himself.

So sorry OP. You're so very young to be taking on this. A 25 year old with an 11 year old SS can be tough in a regular situation, without all these additional stresses and difficulties. I agree with your mother.

I don't think this will come as any surprise but I was accused of trying to get rid of his son and to dump his son in a home so I can have a baby.
We had a steaming row in the end, the first one of our entire relationship.

It started off me asking the questions and talking about the future. I realised as he was talking he was basing his entire life around dss and dsd was in the position of putting up and shutting up. He never mentioned me or where I fit in at all and when I finally got the courage to ask he said that I probably didn't and it wasn't fair for me to stay here, as now he thought about it, there was no future and no baby. He effectively told me we were over as he had to choose his son over his happiness and mine.

I got really mad at him and asked why he'd proposed 8 months ago and made all these promises to have a future together.
He admitted he had never even considered residential care for dss at all before and it was effectively abandoning his son.

I tried to use this thread to explain and that there are people that residential care has made such a huge difference to and the children themselves as well.
I said that there were 4 people in this house not just dss and that dp needed to also put his daughter first or he would push her away as well as me. I tried to fight for dsd and that she needs her dad to or everyone has left her to it because of dss (I'm sure that's how she would see it).

After about 20 minutes after my last post.
He broke down again and said that he loves me and that he wants me in their lives and he needs to think about residential care.
I said it wasn't about giving up on him but giving him a happy and fulfilling life in an environment especially for him and with all the care he needs. And we would see dss as much as possible and do fun things with him and be the best we can be with him.
We went to bed after that.

But I'm still hurting about what he said to me. And accused me of and I hope everyone on this thread knows that I never ever said I wanted to get rid of DSS.
I don't even know how to face this social worker now he's made his feelings so clear.

Well done for broaching the subject op. Like others have said, it's very hard to accept that giving up on how you thought things would be is what you need to consider. Imagine if the situation was a couple who had planned a big or bigger family, but could have (more) children. No one would expect them to simply accept that statement the first time it was broached and gracefully move on.

It sounds like by the end of the conversation your partner was already beginning to see that he needs to consider the alternatives to what he has imagined up til now. It's a shame that in the course of things, he has said some hurtful things to you. If he is a decent man, and it very much sounds like he is, he will come to realise this and apologise. I hope you can forgive him his unkind outburst. You know what you said and what you meant and you have nothing to apologise for.

I think you need to give it some time, see this as the beginning of the conversation rather than the end, and be patient while he works through his feelings. Having said that, i think you should also start working up the courage to put your money where your mouth is if he comes back with a firm decision to keep things just how they are as even an unreasonable person would not expect someone so young to sacrifice so much potential for their own life when there are so many reasons against this.

ElChan bloody well done. That sounds like a very hard conversation but it needed to be had.

What DP said was incredibly hurtful and quite clearly untrue. It sounds like he's lashing out. Not to excuse him, but I guess he was able to pretend everything was OK and you were all managing as long as nobody talked about it. He MUST know, somewhere, on some level, that this isn't sustainable for anyone, including him.

I agree with PP that if he can access some counselling that might be a very good idea. I imagine the army is exactly the sort of place where they expect you to keep going no matter what, but he's back home now and has to unlearn that habit. The army owes him some help with that!

As for the social worker... Maybe stay focused on the problem at hand, sorting out some sensible respite arrangements. Personally I don't think there's any harm in mentioning that you as a couple are struggling a little but you will know better how DP will feel about this. Maybe raise it with him first? The social worker can't provide appropriate help if she doesn't know exactly what is going on.

The conversation with her about DSS's long term future can wait until you and DP have had a chance to feel more comfortable with the idea that it's not necessarily at home with you. But again, you'll know DP better - if it would help him to have some very noncommittal no strings attached information about what the options might be, then perhaps it is worth raising.

Well done, that conversation was just the starting point and there will be many more (maybe harder ones) before you reach a resolution, but it sounds like this is a relationship worth fighting for, for you. Keep coming back if this thread is helping, I remain in awe of you (and of your whole family really!).

Oh! I cross posted with mike and some very similar thoughts/advice! We're not colluding, honestly! Agree with everything they said.

Thanks @mikesh909 I think I will leave the subject alone now.
I'm going to speak to my mum today and see what she thinks. I think I need to find out what my options are.
I just feel so unappreciated right now and like I'm the bad guy. It's not fair. All I've ever done for that man and his children is my best and it's been really hard. But I kept on trying all the time.
My heart is hurting a lot atm.

Thanks @freiasbathtub
I will concentrate on the respite issue but my heart isn't in it atm.
I don't know what dp is thinking or what he will say today. We had one of those awful nights where you sleep next to someone you're angry at.

I do genuinely think he thought it was all going ok and everyone was managing. He said that I'm the problem as I'm apparently depressed and that he doesn't want me to be depressed so I should leave.

I will mention the counselling ideas to him. I think one of the reason I've been so proactive is that due to the army training he needed someone to be telling him his options and what he needed to think about doing. I'm an overthinker and I'm always worrying about the future and he lives day by day and does what he needs to do. So it works because I plan everything and he makes it happen.
However we seem to have had two different ideas on dss future.

Thank you everyone on this thread for you advice. It's been really helpful and so so so supportive.

I don't know how to PM but happy to learn if you or your DP would like to talk.
A waking curriculum where there are less transitions was designed for kids with autism. Realising your child needs a level of support that is way above and beyond their peers and that this only exists in a residential placement is tough and securing it - well, that is a hard road too.

ElChan - your bravery in having that type of conversation is awesome. I hate doing this but you also need to think about whether you want kids with DP if there is a real chance of them having autism. I am about to name change so I will be honest, I don't know if I would, now knowing how hard life was going to be.

God OP...I just can't imagine all that you are going through with this. Your DP sounds like he is struggling..and like he really has no space for your needs in his life..it's all so very very unfair on you..

Listen to your mum..You need to talk to somebody in real life who cares about you first..

I think counselling for you too would be a good idea. Individual, separate from DP. You have found yourself in a situation that would make most people depressed..You have put an enormous pressure on yourself to keep going and you are almost at a breaking point due to lack of sleep..ANYBODY would need help in this situation..

Ps. FreiasBathtub post explaining emotional pain/strengh is great.

There are huge benefits to good residential care, OP.

You and DH can't carry on like this. Either you will leave permanently or something awful will happen with DSS's violence.

Leave for a while, would be my advice.

Do you have any friends that can help? My oldest is disabled but old enough to be left alone for a few hundred hours and if you were my friend I would help out for a few hours a week if you spoke to me about how you're feeling.

If you were to leave, I wonder if it might be possible to maintain regular contact with your step daughter. It sounds as if you and she ( and even her dad ) might be glad of that.

I find it a bit shocking that he relies on your financial contribution on top of everything else you contribute.

@ElChan yes I'm not surprised you're feeling so hurt. It's a lot to deal with. You have done more than anyone could reasonably expect and it feels like it's been thrown back in your face.

Totally get what you say about the planner/day-to-day dynamic (my relationship is very similar) - that in itself can be a challenge even without the terribly difficult circumstances you're in.

I think good idea to keep talking to your mum, keep your options open. Of course it is heartbreaking, you've invested a lot in this relationship and this family emotionally, but if your DP isn't prepared to do the hard work to figure out how to build a family life that works for everyone in the family, it's better to know before you are married and have children of your own. It's the least you deserve.

@ElChan03 - I think that you are the one seeing things clearly & being honest & so of course you're getting lashed out at (shoot the messenger so to speak). Your dp must be at his wits end & it must be very hard for him knowing ds's dm just left & left him to shoulder the entire load. I really do feel for him.
However, you are not this kid's parent & as such you really need to look after yourself in all this. You have been amazing & selfless but you have your entire life ahead of you which you are entitled to live.
I know friends with teen children in residential care and it's been fantastic for everyone involved.
I also know parents who refused residential care & honestly some of them look so broken.
You are entitled to a life as is your dp & dsd & residential care is not abandonment. It can be sooo good & beneficial for the kids & their needs are so well catered for.
If dp won't see this please consider your own future. I'm sure your mum will have some words of advice to give.

Worst meeting ever. Everything is much worse.

I hope you're ok @ElChan03?

I know it's easy for a stranger to say , but maybe it has to get worse to get better.
None of this is your fault.

Not really. But thank you everyone for all the lovely messages and advice.