DSS respite suspended until April

[ElChan03]

Not really for advice but to stop myself crying. DSS respite provider has been suspended until 4th of April due to a bureaucratic fuck up by Ofsted and now we have dss every weekend and every night until 6th of April at least. That means going 8 weeks without respite and includes Easter holidays. I haven't slept more than 4 hours in a night since 12th feb.... I was really really looking forward to a proper sleep tonight.
I don't even know what I'm going to be like by April!!!
We've spoke to the social worker who said she'll look into it. Don't feel too hopeful, especially since a new respite person would take months to settle him into if we got it.

Ahhh! Sorry for second rant in less than a week.

PP are right, none of this is your fault. It isn't anyone's fault. Talking honestly about the situation you are all in is the only way it can get sorted in the long run. Best wishes.

Update:
Social worker was atrocious. We were both in tears saying we needed help and we needed respite asap for the Easter Holidays.
She went through our options, but said that she would make enquiries but it would be unlikely we would have anything in place for the easter holidays at all.
She had no sympathy, empathy or compassion to our distress.
We both said we were struggling with the implications of no respite, that hitting on 5 weeks was us at crisis. DP said that it was affecting our relationship and putting us under an enormous amount of strain.
She avoided questions and gave no definite answers.

I was in full on blubbing tears and she gave no sign she even cared. In fact she kept changing the subject when one of us cried.

My DP NEVER cries EVER. And she didn't give a monkeys bum!

In fact she had the bedside manner of a pot plant; just sucking oxygen out of the room and giving no emotional acknowledgement at all!

Just had a call from the suspended respite provider- Ofsted have now officially deregistered her from childminding. Social services apparently have a say in this now, but from this morning's experience I doubt they will be too bothered to care.

I've made a complaint to social worker's manager about her attitude, it was blinking disgusting.

You know when you make a cry for help and you feel like no one is listening; I'm so glad I made this thread, I don't even know how I would be feeling now otherwise.

Dreading going home tonight.

The only thing I will say OP is that when I was a young social worker people's distress at situations that I was powerless to change was distressing to me but you might not have guessed it to look at me. As I grew up I realised that I could be professional and offer people sympathy at the same time, but is a skill I had to learn. It feels really rubbish when you know people are distressed and you can offer them nothing.
You were right to complain but I would focus your complaint on the lack of services, those who complain most and loudest end up with the best services. Before I left my last job I used to say, "If you are unhappy with the services you can always complain". People would often say, "Oh, I don't want to get you into trouble" and I would remind them they were entitled to services and support. I couldn't tell them to complain but I did try and gently encourage it if it was warranted.

OK, who do you complain/appeal to?

It's one of the more unfair facts of life that complaining, and doing so more loudly and less politely if your initial attempts are unsuccessful, and going over people's heads if they're not able to solve your problem, and that insisting on that happening when you're met with resistance, and doing THAT more loudly and less politely than previously, and being persistent and repetitive to the point of what can feel like rudeness are going to get you solutions to problems where timid enquiries and moderate expressions of displeasure get you nowhere at all.

Complain, in writing, today. Say specifically what was not ok about today's meeting and what resolution you expect and by when. Include a request for an acknowledgment of your complaint within 24 hours. Call back first thing on Friday if you haven't received it. I am not 100% sure but I think your mp can intervene on your behalf if you get nowhere. Mine has just won a miraculous victory against hmrc on my behalf. Previous to this I had no idea they would do such a thing but it says on the 'how to contact your mp' website that they can intervene if you are unfairly treated by a government department or public body and I wonder if / assume that this includes local councils. It is definitely worth investigating in case you get nowhere.

I can see that you feel broken by the whole thing already but you are going to need to find some strength. It's not fair that you asked for support from the place it's supposed to come from and none was forthcoming but you can't let that break you now.

I'm sorry you didn't get better answers to the immediate problem of the respite for Easter today but I think the bigger picture is broadly positive. You have begun the conversation about a long term future, one in which your needs are not totally overlooked, and that is important. For the short term, I would really think about getting away to your mums for a few days in the holidays. It is of course a selfish move but you are entitled to take steps to meet your own needs and perhaps it would give your dp some food for thought before he makes any more suggestions that you should leave for good.

I hope this evening is ok. You've been so strong, I'm full of admiration for you.

Honestly? I’d walk away. You cannot bring more children into this terrible situation. Imagine if you did have a child? It would be like your dsd- relegated to the status of onlooker as you all stand on the sidelines of the DP/DSS dynamic.

The whole situation sounds utterly miserable. And while I have every sympathy for all involved, if your DP won’t contemplate making any changes to try and improve things for everyone, then your only two options are: accept that if you stay, this is how it will always be; or cut your losses and run.

I can understand why your mum is so upset. This is not the life I’d want for my daughter.

Complaining: always do it in writing, always keep everything.

Start with team manager and move up whatever the hierarchy is. So maybe head of service then chief executive.

Also your local councilor and the councilor with lead responsibility for Children and young people.

The mayor if you have one.
Your MP, make an appointment to see them in a surgery, this will be more impactful than emailing them.

Get the school onside, if ofsted are involved in any way complain to them.

If dss doesn't have an independent advocate consider one.
Highlight there are two dc being impacted by this.
Keep records of everything and don't take no as the final word.

ElChan that sounds AWFUL. I'm really sorry you had to go through that, after everything else that you've had to deal with.

Totally agree with excellent advice from mikesh Unfortunately, it doesn't seem likely that you're going to get support from the places you should, so you'll need to make some noise. MP is a good shout, they should definitely be able to provide some guidance. And chase your complaint about the social worker if you don't hear back. Would your doctor be able to do anything, do you think? It's perfectly clear that all this is having an impact on yours and DP's health, maybe SS would take more notice if it was a doctor telling them rather than you?

I too hope you have a relatively ok evening, and agree that it would be a good idea to plan in a few days with your mum over Easter. It's that self-care again. You'll be more use to everyone (including yourself) if you're able to get a few decent nights' sleep. It's not selfish, it's an act of love, as much as the limping on is.

Thank you all. I'm in awe of all your lovely support and wisdom.

I wrote a massive complaint about today to the Children and Young People with Disabilities Team where social worker is based directed to the Manager. I focused on how they have left us without support rather than the plant pot but did say that her lack of empathy was appalling.

If I don't have a response by Friday I will escalate to the area manager or social care department director. I will consider the mp. I complained in writing to Ofsted twice last month to complete rubbish responses.

I don't have the option to go away as I have no annual leave left and I'm currently in my last month in my current job... due to start a new one next month. So in a stuck place there.
I've had a long talk with my mum about options. Dp is being nice atm but I can't face him so have hidden in the bedroom now dss is in bed.

Not really sure what else can go wrong now. Maybe children's dm might become abusive again at this point nothing would surprise me.

Thank you once again for how wonderful you all are. I've cried a lot today but this thread is holding me together.

What a lousy day. So sorry for the horrible stress you're under. How is your step daughter? This must be a big strain on her too?

We haven't told her about the respite problems. But I'm pretty sure she's picked up that we're both stressed.

She seems ok atm. She was a bit upset on Sunday but that was about her mum. Her friend came over instead and they made a cake Angel together.
She's going on a school trip to cheddar gorge tomorrow so she's really excited about that. She doesn't seem too stressed yet. But longer term she might start to feel burnt out too.

It's so frustrating.

OP I have no relevant experience but I just wanted to offer support. I am twice your age and I couldn't deal with what you are dealing with. Plus all the implications for your own future.

You sound incredibly brave and kind. I hope you get to find a way forward with all this - and if you don't find that way as a family I hope you think about what you want and need.

It shouldn’t be you writing to the MP etc. It should be your partner. He should be fighting for his own child’s interests.

You sound amazing OP. You have been completely selfless for a long time. Remember though, there is no shame in walking away. 20s are supposed to be carefree.

I just want to say you are absolutely amazing. I’m a step-mum to 7yr old DSS who we have eow and that’s hard work. I take my hat off to you xx

Well done for complaining, if the responses aren't good enough, complain again. It's so disheartening though, when you're asking for nothing unreasonable.

Could you at least go to your mum's over Easter weekend? It's great that she is being supportive.

I don't feel amazing. But it's lovely to come on this thread and feel all the support. Dp is now avoiding talking about it at all but has essentially left me to deal with complaining and trying to find a solution. That's always been the way. He said to me and quote "You're good at all that stuff".
He may be stoic and a marvellous dad but he does leave me running behind fixing everything all the time.

I'm so tired. I think more psychologically than physically as I'm getting used to the 4 hours sleep now. Though saying that dss wasn't too bad last night but he had a big meltdown at school so I think he was tired.

My mum is currently researching my options. I live with dp in his house- he kept saying he would put me on the tenancy but it hasn't happened yet. I just pay for it lol.
So I think she's looking into an escape plan option if I wish to take it. Pretty heartbreaking but at this point and especially after what he said on Monday I need to consider it.

Just starting to feel like I've wasted 3 years of my life, and done so much for a family that I apparently have no space in.

Feel rather devastated right now.

ElChan I've just caught up on your posts from the last couple of days. I have no advice beyond what others have said.

That you spoke to him and he reacted that way is worrying. I did hope it was "shoot the messenger" so possibly him breaking down is accepting what is happening none is healthy for none of you.

I'm so saddened that you're still in need of respite and not getting anywhere. I hope your complaint is effective. I think it's been mentioned but are there any local young person charities that may be able to offer any additional advice?

You are going through so much and trying to be so strong. Please don't forget yourself in all of this. You have taken on a lot for this relationship and it does not sound fulfilling. Sometimes knowing you really want different things is more than enough to walk away. I don't know how you would cope with a baby in this mix of this. It's so frustrating that your DP is being so blinkered and not realising that everyone is suffering now

I live with dp in his house- he kept saying he would put me on the tenancy but it hasn't happened yet. I just pay for it lol.

OMG.

Leaving the DSS issue to one side for a moment, this is totally shit and unacceptable.

You live in his house, that you have NO title to? Yet you pay for everything and do all the legwork when it comes to HIS son?

I know you say he's a good man, but a good man would not let the woman he purports to love be in that position.

What do you get out of this at all? You're chucking money away on a tenancy that your name's not even on. He could kick you out tomorrow and you would have no recourse. And all that money would be gone.

I'm sure it doesn't feel like this when you're living it, but it reads like he really saw you coming.

Please stop wasting your energy helping someone who can't even give you the most basic security of having a roof over your head.

Get out now, before you waste even more time, money, emotional energy and childbearing years on this user.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but you are obviously an amazing, compassionate and supportive person and you deserve way better treatment from him.

I have to agree with GlassHalfFullOfWee.
It's quite shocking he is taking money of you at all with the current arrangement.

And how dare he leave you to do the complaining and coming up with a solution...it's his child!!!! you are not even married!

I would move out..stay with mom or rent a room initially..give yourself time to REST and start living a life of a 25year old..going out with friends, being carefree..you need it! 3 years is A LOT to sacrifice for a men who is not considering serious future with you where YOUR needs are taken into account too..
You really need a break and to step back..

How would it feel to say "I need a break from this situation, you hurt me when you said we had no future"
Find somewhere else to live for a while and see how you feel with a bit of space (and sleep!)

I didn't even think of it like that.

I don't know what to do.

It's bad that he hasn't kept his word about putting you on the tenancy. However, is it private rented or council? If the former, you are really in a not significantly worse position than you would be if you were a documented tenant. In an AST, which is the normal kind, you have very minimal rights and could be told to leave for no reason other than the landlord wants you to in 2 months from any day. As for the money being 'wasted', well that is the nature of renting and nothing to do with the op's dp to be fair. It's not like you've been contributing to his mortgage payments (please confirm this is right??!)

What would he do financially if you did leave op? How did he pay rent & bills on a 10hr a week wage before you moved in? Does the ew make any financial contributions?

The level of support that he has been happy to accept from you does seem quite shocking. I hope this doesn't come across unkindly - do you think there is a part of you that has got something out of being so needed / being the saviour for these lost souls? I'm not suggesting that's the case at all. It's just I've seen similar situations and I wondered if that could be part of the dynamic that compels you to stay when there are so many reasons to leave. Please don't think this suggestion should be taken in any way as a criticism of you

Sweetheart, it sounds like you've been rescuing this man and his children and not considering your own needs and future. If I were your mum I would be guiding you to walking away from this situation. You sound like a lovely person. You do deserve a lovely life.

Consider taking a break somewhere else, catching up on your sleep and having a serious think about what needs to change for this relationship to work for you.
Do you want to be on the tenancy agreement, if so set a deadline for it and think what your action will be if it doesn't happen.
Do you want a child? If so when you ideally like to ttc?
What would need to be different for that to happen? What needs to happen for that difference?
Think about your relationship outside of dss, are changes needed? If so what.
If you decide you want to stay and work things through I reckon splitting tasks is usual, this happens in my relationship, but that isn't the same as walking away and letting your partner deal with everything. Consider setting time aside when you will both work on getting dss he support that he needs, catch up on emails you have both sent, work out next strategy of attack etc. This is not your responsibility and DP cannot just walk away and leave you to it.

I'm glad your mum is around and helping you see more options.

Your partner doesn't sound fab to me. He sounds like he sees you as a bit of a doormat, and because of you he doesn't have to bother with so much stuff.

Please think about leaving now and don't waste yet more of your one and only life on this. There's no reward, no special badge of honour, and no do-overs. You'll just be my age and just like me, without much money, without kids, looking back and just wishing you'd done things differently.