DSS respite suspended until April

[ElChan03]

Not really for advice but to stop myself crying. DSS respite provider has been suspended until 4th of April due to a bureaucratic fuck up by Ofsted and now we have dss every weekend and every night until 6th of April at least. That means going 8 weeks without respite and includes Easter holidays. I haven't slept more than 4 hours in a night since 12th feb.... I was really really looking forward to a proper sleep tonight.
I don't even know what I'm going to be like by April!!!
We've spoke to the social worker who said she'll look into it. Don't feel too hopeful, especially since a new respite person would take months to settle him into if we got it.

Ahhh! Sorry for second rant in less than a week.

OP I second what @SapphireandSteele has said, and what many others have said too.

Perhaps you've done enough here? Try be as kind to yourself as you are to others.

You can walk away.

The atmosphere here is dreadful.
We had another fight yesterday on the telephone. His divorce has finally completed and he said we can start planning our wedding. I said that I didn't feel remotely in a place where I wanted to get married, when he had told me 2 days before that my needs and future don't factor into the family future. And also accuse me of trying to sack off his son for my own selfish ends.
I said I needed to think about my options. I couldn't continue to sacrifice my life, needs and wants and constantly make compromises if he wasn't prepared to do the same. I also said that I would never make him choose between me and his children if he feels that's the choice I was presenting him with. It wasn't I would never ever do that.
He said he still wants to get married. I don't even understand what he's thinking right now.

I had to come home and I said to him that We needed to talk about this. He didn't talk to me at all last night. He won't talk to me now.

On a more positive note my complaint has resulted in 3 separate days of emergency respite being offered.... at the end of April. I've left dp in charge of the matter now because I'm exhausted and my life has fallen apart rather a lot this week.

I'm definitely thinking about leaving right now.

To answer some further questions raised.
It's a council property and I have lived here for a year and a half.
The circumstances happened bit by bit since meeting DP and him becoming full time parent and ew becoming no contact and not paying. That is her choice I would like to emphasise. I have another thread about her if you want full history.
When I moved in I was optimistic that I could manage everything. I didn't realise the extent of the challenges with dsd until I did. She was hard hard work but I think we've turned a corner now. Dss has always been challenging but we had respite and I just kept quiet and managed.
Ew has been awful. And her partner even more so.
I did feel like I was rescuing them because there were always new problems and it was a constant battle to be heard as a family to meet the children and dps needs.
But DP always maintained that he wanted a future and baby with me. I said it was a deal breaker at the beginning of last year. I didn't mean tomorrow but eventually once the children were settled and I was sure that decision wouldn't upset them or affect them in any way.
I kept going because of those promises.
Because when you have hope you keep going.
I assume if I left he would be entitled to the housing benefits again. He would manage financially if this happened.

Whether he manages other things.. . I don't know.

Sorry if this was rambly.

I’m not surprised he wants to get married. You are doing everything for this family at the expense of your own needs snd wishes for the future. I realise that it must also be hard for him but he is happy for you to pay to live in a home in which you have no rights of residency. I hope you can get a break to consider this, you sound so generous and caring, but you also deserve care and consideration yourself.

72 nights per year !!!!!
DS is 8 and severly disabled. Usually wakes at 1am and is awake for the day. I have to get up with him and have done for the past 8 years.

Guess how much respite we get..... NONE despite begging. DH has MS so cant help with nights!

Imagine having a full night's sleep. Last time I had any respite was December 2014 and DH and I had a night away to watch the X-Factor final. My brother and his wife travelled 250 miles so we could have a night away.

Yes I'm jealous and no don't have any sympathy....only for being in a similar boat except yours has oars!!!!

Not very helpful to come on to a thread as raw and emotional as this and play 'misery top trumps' IceBear.

What are you suggesting? Because your life is worse than OP's, OP should suck it up and keep being taken advantage of by her DP? That's horrible. Because you're unhappy with your life you want her to be unhappy in hers?

I said that I didn't feel remotely in a place where I wanted to get married, when he had told me 2 days before that my needs and future don't factor into the family future.

I was cheering you on when I read this OP. Well done for sticking up for yourself. He needed to hear that.

Remember, he's not really offering you all that much right now. Sure a ring and a party might be nice in the short term, but longer term is he really proposing any change? Or, looking at things really cynically, does he just realise how much easier he has it with you around and wants to lock it down?

Good for you!

Don't fall for his sudden turnaround on marriage unless there's also an active change in his behaviour.

Of COURSE he wants to keep you around. Presumably he likes having a relationship, and you do all the hard "Mum" work too, it must be wonderful for him.

Ice - that must be so enormously difficult, but you don't get to tell other parents who are struggling that they're not.

Well done OP. For sticking up for yourself and for telling him.
As for marriage..I don't think its the right time for anybody to be making such decisions..I second posters that are saying it's not suprising he wants to marfy you..He would be getting a pretty sweet deal :/.

A break will do both of you good. You need rest..Physical, mental and emotional..You need time away from this family to process what happened and decide on your future.
He needs to take responsibility..care for his children without your support..that could make him reconsider residential care and his future..

Really well done though! Even acknowledging and expressing your feeling deserves a "well done".

OP, if you were my DD I would feel so, so sad for you and for your future. I would want you to move on too.

You sound like a truest amazing person. Not only do you have incredible compassion but you have amazing insight too. I'm in awe of you.

It's such a sad situation. Please look after yourself. ❤️❤️❤️❤️

I'm so sorry. You sound so lovely, and are working so hard. If I was your mum I would be desperately worried about you and would be trying to help you to see a way out of this. Please don't lock yourself into this by getting married. You are putting in a huge amount and getting so very little in return. Your DP should be having a long hard look at what he is asking of you, and offering you.

Typo
Truly not truest

Really glad to hear you are standing up for yourself. It isn't a ring you need at the moment but communication with your DP. I agree with whitecat 's post.
I also think that DP needs to do some thinking as it looks like he doesn't know what he is thinking either.

You know the person I think is most let down by all of this is actually dsd. I can walk away as hard as it is but she can't. Even if he wasn't prepared to consider residential. I think he should for her.

We had a huge row this morning. Just about how unfair he has been. I said I could have carried on and given years of my life thinking he was on the same page as me. I've always put those kids first. From day one.
I worry what will happen to dsd without me looking out for her.

Also @icebear I can really feel for you knowing how hard that is.
The only thing I've learnt from this situation is you have to shout really loud and fight really hard to be heard by these people.

Please don't take it out on me though. Please read the rest of this thread to understand why.

I'm so sorry that you're in this situation. You're an absolute star and have gone so far beyond what is reasonable to expect to support your partner's children. I have a daughter a little bit older than you, and could envisage her in this situation, she is lovely and caring, just like you. So I will give you the advice I would give her if she was in this situation. You are young, so caring and capable. You are just moving job and are basically supporting this family financially and emotionally. That has taken a huge toll on you. However it will get worse. Your SS will be getting bigger and stronger, he is hurting you all now - it will get worse. Residential care may be the answer, but do you really think your partner will deal with that and not blame you in some shape or form? I would ask you to seriously think whether you want that kind of future for yourself? I would be saying to my daughter, please have the life of a 25 year old and take your time in deciding what you want from your life. You are lovely and have been amazing to this family, but you are worth so much more than having this type of life which will be unlikely to get much better. Your partner has said some things which cannot be taken back, act on your instincts. If you decide to go, please don't feel guilty, you have done your absolute best and he has been lucky to have had your support.

I've lost count of how many times this thread has made me cry from all the wonderful things people have said to me.

Thank you all of you. So so so much.

Dp is treating me like the bad guy.
It's making me feel like a selfish bitch.

How old is DSD? If old enough you could always tell her that even though your moving out you still care for her and will always have an open door for her if she needs a few hours escape

Your partner is trying to transfer blame - not an emotionally intelligent thing to do on his part. If you have any doubts, dear girl, please read and re-read this thread and all the wise comments on here. You say he is treating you like the bad guy - this should actually make your decision more clear cut. You have been the polar opposite of his accusations - he has been so fortunate to have had you. Have a break, go and see your lovely Mum - she will help you too. But I would urge you to seriously consider walking away - as the previous poster has said, that doesn't mean you can't see your DSD - so you are not abandoning her. Sorry I don't know the back story with their mother (I understand she has effectively abandoned them?)- but just remember, you are not their mother and should not be expected to completely fill that role. Walk away, with your head held high - you have nothing at all to reproach yourself for. You should be proud of yourself that you coped so long with such a complex situation.

You're not the bad guy or a selfish bitch. Have you told him that this is how his words & actions make you feel? How is the relationship apart from all this, if it's even possible to separate any part of your life from 'all this'? There is so much that points towards an exit from the relationship as the best course of action. I'm just wondering what there is on the flip side that might make things worth fighting for.

There was a lot worth fighting for. I know I've painted him out to be an arse but he really is a lovely lovely man. He is just very introverted and he never tells anyone anything. That's why I'm so vocal to make up for him not being vocal.
I've just had a text from him which has showed the first emotional response from him so far.
He said he doesn't want me to leave and he wants a future with me and a baby.
I feel so conflicted atm

You may have thrown him a massive curve ball and he genuinely 'blindly' wants a future with you. But he probably hasn't thought what it would actually look like until this week.
But you do need to look out for yourself, I would t want my daughter staying in a relationship made up of future promises and the pressures re your ss

You know OP...I don't think you can have a baby while SS is with you..I don't think it would be safe for the baby..
I have a toddler..there is no stopping him most of the time..he is full on and requires constant attention..I imagine your SS is like that too but much worse..how could you even be pregnant when dealing with a teen boy that hits, bites and headbutts you? I don't even want to write it..but what about when puberty hits?

It wouldn't be fair on SS AND the baby..

I do agree with you Whitecat.

He's like a toddler in lots of ways but he's up to my chin now and his dad is 6ft 3 so he'll be a big boy soon I think.

I just need to decide whether I can live with myself if I sacrifice my desire for a baby for the relationship and also the well being of dss or if I can't do it

He's done a 180 about residential care in the future as well. He said and quote I've been thinking about what will be best for him and what he needs and it's the best place he could be. It will be really hard to let him go but they will do more with him than I can.

Wow. Just wow.
This is a pretty major breakthrough regardless of whether I'm there or not.

My last post reads like I'm saying there's nothing worth fighting for but I meant it as a genuine enquiry. I think I said before, from what your descriptions, he sounds like a good person who is in a difficult situation who deserves a chance to get used to the loss of his long-held image of what his family is. If he IS that person and you made him aware of how his recent actions / words have made you feel, I would expect his reaction to be one which included attempts to rectify that.

Only you know if the things worth fighting for remain despite all the recent happenings or whether said events have removed the wool from your eyes and made you change your assessment of things.

If it were me, I would be trying to answer that question, but with the following already made up in my mind:

• It's not OK for anyone to ask me or allow me to sacrifice my desire for a child of my own for any reason. If I was with a childless man who had lied about his desire to remain that way in order to continue the relationship, I wouldn't sacrifice my future children for him either.

• I would not bring a child into the current environment. For one, the finances of the situation are skewed and would need re-evaluating. Secondly, the potential physical dangers and mental and emotional strains would mean I would not be able to provide the kind of environment a baby would need. I would not be able to be any kind of parent if my sleep was being regularly disturbed to the level you describe IN ADDITION TO the disruptions the baby itself would bring.

Those things would not be up for negotiation. But once my DP had understood where I was coming from on those, if we could see our way to agreeing, I would be weighing up that question of whether I should fight for the relationship or not. I really think all the pp who have suggested time away to ponder that have made a good suggestion.