Cant cope with autistic step child

[India27]

Im a step mum to an autistic child who is seven, his mum has had him took off her by socail services and his dad has full custody, so we all live together and I also have my own son who is eleven. We have all lived together for a year now and I wasn't prepared for this situation at all, it don't matter what I do his child hates me and my son, hes horrible to me and my son and has hit my son for no reason and his excuse is its because of his mum, he also does this when his dad is not around, his dad works full time and I pick him up from school, nearly every day the teacher calls me in because of his behaviour towards staff and children if he doesn't stop this behaviour the teacher cant have him in the class and hes got to work in a room alone, he gets chucked out of clubs, so its not just me and my son hes horrible to, ive have done and do my best for his child and all I get is hatred back, he also lies about me and he seems happy when hes causing drama, what I cant take is him being mean to my son for no reason, he gets frustrated because my son is naturally good at sports and when he tries he struggles and takes it out on my son, which is not fare, autistic or not there is no excuse to hit out at another child, I have to put my son first, he broke down to me the other day just before he went to stay at his dads, my son said he cant cope with my step sons behaviour and dose not want to come home from school because of him, hes still at his dads and before he comes home im going to leave this situation and move bk with my parents untill I sort everything out, I do love my partner but I have to put my sons happiness and well being before mine, I have had a cancer scare and it has made me wake up, you gotta put yr own first, there is nothing wrong with that. No one can judge this situation until you have lived it, people say there only a child but were all only human and there only so much you can take wether its a child or adult acting this way. Im going to tell his dad this week that im leaving because its not fare on my son and that I also struggle with his sons behaviour and hatred, im not gonna feel guilty because its the truth, hes still abit in denial of his sons behaviour, which hasn't helped, he already knows that im struggling, im very honest with him, he thinks that in over reacting and says hes only a child, I never imagined that a seven year old child can turn your life up side down cause if he was still with his mum I would stay here, but that is never going to happen, this is his final destination and my son and i cant cope with the outbursts, holidays, days out wether hes being good or bad hes always has to be centre of attention and trys to ruin the day, im making the right choice for my son he will never have to endure his hatred again, disability or not.

[Winosaurus]

They aren’t a family though. This board is so hypocritical sometimes... SMs are not allowed to discipline, do XYZ because they are not the biological mother. Yet when the SC is impacting so dramatically on everyone’s lives then SMs are magically considered to be family, to be a well of unconditional love, and to tolerate anything even if it’s to the detriment of her or her own DCs wellbeing

[Sirzy]

Sorry when you make the choice to move in with someone and their child of course you become family

[CaptainKirkssparetupee]

Of course they are family

[Winosaurus]

Again... only when it suits the jury of MN

[CaptainKirkssparetupee]

to tolerate anything even if it’s to the detriment of her or her own DCs wellbeing

Have you missed the bit where every poster has told to op to leave?

[Winosaurus]

zzz because what’s the alternative?
Basically you are saying she needs to leave but making her feel guilty for doing so? What IS the point of that?

[CaptainKirkssparetupee]

only when it suits the jury of MN
Not really though is it, different threads attract different opinions from different posters, there is no one overall jury that are changing opinion.

It's not a hard concept to understand.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

CaptainKirkssparetupee
Yes because she's the one who needs all the empathy in this situation.

I didn't say that she needed all of the empathy, just some.

And that some is because she has been put in an impossible position, by all means have empathy for the stepson, but lets have empathy for the child that is being beaten and devalued at every opportunity, lets have some empathy for the woman that is carrying the can for the poor choices of the stepson's parents.

and yes lets have some empathy for the stepson who has also asked for none of this.

[Winosaurus]

Unless you’ve lived with it you have no idea how much it will impact you - especially if the dad was in denial about it. Seeing a child in short bursts is drastically different to living with them 24/7 and becoming a carer. If you’ve never experienced it before how can you possibly gauge how hard it is going to be.
She’s tried, it’s failed. That’s all there is to it

[CaptainKirkssparetupee]

Basically you are saying she needs to leave but making her feel guilty for doing so?

I think leave but try to understand this child is acting from a disability and not some hateful vendetta.

[CatMuffin]

I think you are making the right decision. It's not you that has let him down it's his parents.

[Winosaurus]

I have provided the support. His parent needs to step up, she needs to be clear to him that she is leaving because isn’t.
I am supporting because I think she’s 100% doing the right thing by putting her own child first.

[CaptainKirkssparetupee]

especially if the dad was in denial about it.
Depending which of the ops posts you read either underline issues were known about or he didn't know... Or he did and was in denial.

[smithssquarecrisps]

Yes everyone has told her to leave. I just don’t think that some of the other comments are necessary. The OP is obviously at the end of her tether. Some of her phrasing wasn’t ideal but she’s human and maybe she’s not thinking clearly, because she’s stressed and unhappy. I know I’m not perfect, I’m not sure anyone is. The long and short of it is that this young boy is not her responsibility. It’s a terrible and very sad situation but she cannot change how she feels or how her son feels without making some difficult decisions. Whatever she does someone is going to be upset.

[Winosaurus]

^ Smiths is right. The bashing is unnecessary and IMHO misdirected as it’s his dad who’s letting him down, not the OP

[Sirzy]

It’s every adult who is part of his life letting him down it seems. No wonder the poor lad is struggling

[CaptainKirkssparetupee]

I just don’t think that some of the other comments are necessary.
The OP has made her stepson out to be the sport of Satan, when he has a disability, one which she hasn't bothered to research. And before you say "it's not her responsibility, no it's not, but most people would try to research about about a disability when they live with someone with one. What do you expect the reaction to be?

[CaptainKirkssparetupee]

Spawn of Satan above above obviously

[youarenotkiddingme]

Behaviour is a form of communication.

He's communicating his needs are not being met in your family environment. He's also communicating this in school and at clubs.

If you don't or don't want to understand autism and fight for this child as you would your own then you are totally right - you need to leave.

I hope when he loses another mother figure that someone does the right thing by him and steps up and steps in and gets him what he needs.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

CaptainKirkssparetupee
Spawn of Satan

This is all you.

she has made him out to be a child with a disability that is adversely affecting her and her child's life.

Which is something she didn't sign up for nor is she getting any help from her DH.

If vitriol is needed should be at the child's parents who are doing nothing to support the child to the OP.

[CaptainKirkssparetupee]

If vitriol is needed should be at the child's parents who are doing nothing to support the child to the OP.
Only one of the child's 3 parents have posted here.