Cant cope with autistic step child

[India27]

Im a step mum to an autistic child who is seven, his mum has had him took off her by socail services and his dad has full custody, so we all live together and I also have my own son who is eleven. We have all lived together for a year now and I wasn't prepared for this situation at all, it don't matter what I do his child hates me and my son, hes horrible to me and my son and has hit my son for no reason and his excuse is its because of his mum, he also does this when his dad is not around, his dad works full time and I pick him up from school, nearly every day the teacher calls me in because of his behaviour towards staff and children if he doesn't stop this behaviour the teacher cant have him in the class and hes got to work in a room alone, he gets chucked out of clubs, so its not just me and my son hes horrible to, ive have done and do my best for his child and all I get is hatred back, he also lies about me and he seems happy when hes causing drama, what I cant take is him being mean to my son for no reason, he gets frustrated because my son is naturally good at sports and when he tries he struggles and takes it out on my son, which is not fare, autistic or not there is no excuse to hit out at another child, I have to put my son first, he broke down to me the other day just before he went to stay at his dads, my son said he cant cope with my step sons behaviour and dose not want to come home from school because of him, hes still at his dads and before he comes home im going to leave this situation and move bk with my parents untill I sort everything out, I do love my partner but I have to put my sons happiness and well being before mine, I have had a cancer scare and it has made me wake up, you gotta put yr own first, there is nothing wrong with that. No one can judge this situation until you have lived it, people say there only a child but were all only human and there only so much you can take wether its a child or adult acting this way. Im going to tell his dad this week that im leaving because its not fare on my son and that I also struggle with his sons behaviour and hatred, im not gonna feel guilty because its the truth, hes still abit in denial of his sons behaviour, which hasn't helped, he already knows that im struggling, im very honest with him, he thinks that in over reacting and says hes only a child, I never imagined that a seven year old child can turn your life up side down cause if he was still with his mum I would stay here, but that is never going to happen, this is his final destination and my son and i cant cope with the outbursts, holidays, days out wether hes being good or bad hes always has to be centre of attention and trys to ruin the day, im making the right choice for my son he will never have to endure his hatred again, disability or not.

[Sirzy]

I am not sure she has been dropped at the deep end really. She may not have gone in with her eyes open but that is rather different!

[Winosaurus]

I think the OP’s son will learn that his mum cares for his needs and feelings and that she is doing the right thing for him. Walking away from a damaging environment for her son where he is being physically abused and unhappy will teach him that he doesn’t have to tolerate it from anyone.
Staying isn’t an option

[ohreallyohreallyoh]

I found the initial post devoid of compassion or empathy for the child in question. But you want empathy for the OP?

Had she shown some kind of kindness and understanding towards a child who has a serious ‘condition’ and who, as a result, is behaving textbook autistic (if only you bothered to spend a few minutes on google) not deliberately trying to make life difficult (as the OP believes), then Imwould have empathy.

I am left wondering what support you and your partner have had, OP, to help manage your DSS’s condition? Anything at all? And did mum struggle with the autism or was it bigger than that?

[smithssquarecrisps]

The OP deserves empathy because she has been placed in an impossible position by her partner. Of course the DSS deserves love and care and help but the OP is not responsible for him. His parents are. And those parents are failing their child in every way possible. It appears that the father in this scenario is quite happy for his partner to take on all of this on her shoulders. It’s him who should be getting a roasting, but unfortunately he’s not the OP on this thread.

[CaptainKirkssparetupee]

The OP deserves empathy because she has been placed in an impossible position by her partner.

Did she not know he had children before she married him?

[smithssquarecrisps]

Captain - I think you just want a row. Read the OP where she says the little boy has only lived with her for twelve months and she was unprepared for how hard it would be. There is a vast difference between being a part time step mum to being a full time step mum, who’s father seems to have abdicated most of the responsibility. But I expect you know this and are just angling for someone to bite.

[CaptainKirkssparetupee]

I think you just want a row. Read the OP where she says the little boy has only lived with her for twelve months and she was unprepared for how hard it would be

And before this he would visit and she would complain about him having underline issues...
Most people would talk the time to find out about kids they have contact with.

[SwarmOfCats]

This isn’t just venting, it’s fucking horrible. Granted, I might be reacting personally because I have a 7yr old son with Aspergers, but Jesus Christ OP. Saying you’re finding his SEN too hard to deal with is fine...but blaming a child for his behaviour as though he is doing this deliberately, talking as though you take his autistic traits personally, giving the impression you have been given no choice but to leave?

Leave, by all means. It sounds like the best thing for you and your son. But try to have some compassion for a little boy who has been failed by his parents, who likely doesn’t understand the absence of his mother and siblings, whose own father didn’t even think to investigate the very obvious difficulties his son was experiencing.

[CaptainKirkssparetupee]

They didn't just meet the day he was dropped off, in 4 years she has seemingly not googled his behaviour.

[smithssquarecrisps]

So what’s the solution then? The OP stays and does what?? She’s doesn’t have PR for the step son. What magic wand is she going to wave to help him without damaging her relationship with her own child. With the aid of a time machine I’m sure she could go back and not live with her DP, but unfortunately she did move in with him, so that ship has sailed. Berating the OP for not understanding how hard this was going to be helps who exactly? Or is it just easier to snipe, rather than offer support to someone who is clearly struggling.

[CaptainKirkssparetupee]

So what’s the solution then? The OP stays and does what??

What are you talking about, not one person has suggested she stay.

[CaptainKirkssparetupee]

offer support to someone who is clearly struggling
On this case telling her that leaving is in the best interest of the child(Ren) is support, making silly posts of "oh Hun Boone has any empathy for poor you" isn't helping anyone.

[GingerIvy]

First of all, I would recommend you read the book The Explosive Child by Ross Greene. VERY helpful book.

Secondly, you need to look at this child as a CHILD. He doesn't do this deliberately. This is a child who is lashing out because he is struggling to cope. When is he doing this? What's happening when he does this? In what situations does he do better? What coping skills has he been taught - if any? What are his triggers? What things help him calm down?

You should know some of this stuff if he's lived with you for a year and you've known him for four years.

his dad didnt even know he was autistic till the social told him when her children were removed

I struggle with this, as it sounds like it was pretty obvious that he had difficulties. What strategies were you using for the last four years to help him? What about over the last year?

I'm not expecting you to answer all those questions, but simply THINK about it. I have friends that hang out with us that can answer most of those questions about my two children with autism, as they actively are interested in helping out when they are with us.

Have you discussed what has happened with your 11yo? Do you have guidelines in place for him to follow if there is a problem, so he knows how to handle it, what to do? We have this in our home. It makes things so much better for everyone.

Does your stepson have a "safe place" in the house that he can go to in order to calm down or destress? Does your own son have this place as well? These kind of things are important and can make a huge difference as well.

All school meetings should be attended by both parents, if possible, as your partner needs to step up and take an equal interest in understanding this situation. But you also need to do this. No comparisons between the boys - that's unhelpful in any family. No "labels" of naughty vs well behaved. No demonising behaviour. Acting out is a child's way of telling you they're struggling. How would you react if that was YOUR son behaving that way? Would you want your partner to be understanding and help you find ways for him to cope better?

Just a few things for you to think about.

[Winosaurus]

zzzz yes that will be positive for him. In blended/step-families it’s extremely important that the child(ren) know that they are still the priority to their parent and that their happiness is important.
On this board all we ever hear about is how the SCs need to feel loved and secure by the parent. Her son is desperately unhappy and if he can rely on his mum to put him first then who will?
So the alternative is that she stays and puts her bf’s child before her own even though her DS has told her how unhappy he is and is being physically attacked regularly... what will that teach him? Do you really think he’s going to think “oh lovely job Mum, you showed compassion to the boy who hurts me after I begged to leave, you put his needs before mine. Brilliant life lesson and I respect you so much”
No. He will end up a sad, bitter, angry and hurt boy. DS is her responsibility, not her DP’s son.

[GingerIvy]

I suspect that sadly she should leave too. Once you reach the point of demonising a child's behaviour as deliberate when it's SEN, you've kind of "poisoned the well" and reached endpoint.

I offered advice on the chance that she's willing to turn her thinking around a bit. But I wouldn't want someone taking care of my children that felt the way she obviously does.

[Winosaurus]

zzzz you’re projecting your own issues onto the OP. Living with austistic children is hard. But she is not his mother, she does not love him nor is she obliged to care for him. In short - he is not her problem as crass as that sounds. Her DP is in the wrong for getting her into this position of caring for him - it should be him.

[CaptainKirkssparetupee]

Her DP is in the wrong for getting her into this position of caring for him

Familyyyyyyyyyy

[Winosaurus]

I do but I think you’re being unfair on OP. I think she’s struggling and has tried her best with little to no support from the child’s actual parents.
She used the word “hatred” probably without thinking of the implications of that. DSS not be acting out of hatred but his behaviour appears hateful towards the OP’s DS. Whether it’s intentional or not is not important, that is how a scared and hurt 11yr old is perceiving it and it needs addressing

[Sirzy]

Surely when you take the decision to move in with someone and their children you are accepting that some level of responsibility for their child will become yours. You can’t just walk in and not be part of their life, just like you can’t just walk away without it having any impact.


As has been said over and over again the op is right to leave however I am amazed the amount of people who seem to think that taking on a step parent roll doesn’t come with some level of responsibility!