Cant cope with autistic step child

[India27]

Im a step mum to an autistic child who is seven, his mum has had him took off her by socail services and his dad has full custody, so we all live together and I also have my own son who is eleven. We have all lived together for a year now and I wasn't prepared for this situation at all, it don't matter what I do his child hates me and my son, hes horrible to me and my son and has hit my son for no reason and his excuse is its because of his mum, he also does this when his dad is not around, his dad works full time and I pick him up from school, nearly every day the teacher calls me in because of his behaviour towards staff and children if he doesn't stop this behaviour the teacher cant have him in the class and hes got to work in a room alone, he gets chucked out of clubs, so its not just me and my son hes horrible to, ive have done and do my best for his child and all I get is hatred back, he also lies about me and he seems happy when hes causing drama, what I cant take is him being mean to my son for no reason, he gets frustrated because my son is naturally good at sports and when he tries he struggles and takes it out on my son, which is not fare, autistic or not there is no excuse to hit out at another child, I have to put my son first, he broke down to me the other day just before he went to stay at his dads, my son said he cant cope with my step sons behaviour and dose not want to come home from school because of him, hes still at his dads and before he comes home im going to leave this situation and move bk with my parents untill I sort everything out, I do love my partner but I have to put my sons happiness and well being before mine, I have had a cancer scare and it has made me wake up, you gotta put yr own first, there is nothing wrong with that. No one can judge this situation until you have lived it, people say there only a child but were all only human and there only so much you can take wether its a child or adult acting this way. Im going to tell his dad this week that im leaving because its not fare on my son and that I also struggle with his sons behaviour and hatred, im not gonna feel guilty because its the truth, hes still abit in denial of his sons behaviour, which hasn't helped, he already knows that im struggling, im very honest with him, he thinks that in over reacting and says hes only a child, I never imagined that a seven year old child can turn your life up side down cause if he was still with his mum I would stay here, but that is never going to happen, this is his final destination and my son and i cant cope with the outbursts, holidays, days out wether hes being good or bad hes always has to be centre of attention and trys to ruin the day, im making the right choice for my son he will never have to endure his hatred again, disability or not.

Good luck with your next steps and just remember there is no right or wrong with this. There are times you have to put your children and yourself first. You did your best in a really tough situation. Hold onto that when he tries to downplay how hard it is. He would need to make some serious changes in attitude for you all to move forward.

I hope it all goes Ok!

That sounds promising OP. Can the boy's father qualify for carer's allowance?

So the SS has a DX of autism & has 1:1support in school which means an EHCP is place, but dad is still in denial.

OP it sounds like the best possible outcome for everyone - and if I read your updates correctly it looks like your DP has 'realized' and accepted his DS's needs - the DSS that you have supported for the past year - and is doing what is needed.

A shake-up of the situation is what was needed and it takes a brave woman like yourself to do that and you have my respect.

There is a silver lining to this - DSS is only 6 and it is very possible that this 'trajectory' of negative behaviour can be turned round, and you have actually provided the situation for this to happen so don't ever think that you have failed anyone - you haven't and in fact have helped others whilst protecting your son.

Your relationship with your DP isn't over either - it sounds solid - he has 'heard you' and your concerns and is now doing what needs to be done too. Right now you might need to live apart but that doesn't mean you will always have to.

I wish you all the best.

I really, really hope that his Dad does step up massively. Such a sad story.

I hope you and your son find stability OP.

ElChan I just wanted to say what a remarkable step mum you seem to be. You’ve had it tough from your post, yet have stepped up to the challenge.

Thanks @bananasinpyjamas11 Mumsnet is the only place I really talk about my life at home. A lot of people irl for me just say oh I couldn't do it etc and I get uncomfortable talking about it.
As I said earlier though it's really hard to be a step parent to a child with additional needs regardless of whether you "understand" their condition or not, you had to adapt really fast and it's hard to he prepared. I do definitely commend you for trying though op. I know if I had anyone telling me they had met a man who had disabled children... to think long and hard about the implications that has on a person's life, especially building a bond with a child with autism. It can be tough!

Captain - I think you just want a row.

I agree. It's not all 'me me me ' either. It's about the OPs son..who some seem to think is less important than her DSS because he's autistic.

I do understand the comment about being in denial. ..because your DP didn't see his DS for prolonged periods of time . ..it may not have been overtly obvious to him...coupled with not wanting to accept there was a problem.

My friends DH did the same...it's often men who are in denial. ..he would say "he's just a little rascal. ..I was like that as a child. ..he'll grow out of it"...

His comments prevented my friend from getting help. ..until his own mum was visiting (from abroad) and noticed the obvious.

He just couldn't handle it.

Thanks everyone, ive moved all belongings out and ready to start a new chapter for my self and my son, I do miss the dad and its feels strange its all over, but I know its all for the best and times a great healer, xx

This bloody annoys me. Why should her own biological son be attacked and miserable so much so that he doesn’t want to come back to his own home? Why should he live like that? Autism isn’t an excuse for people to live a miserable life getting abused day in day out when most of the people around them do nothing but make excuse for it! It’s abuse at the end of the day, no one would be expected to put up with it from a partner why should they from a stepson? What a lovely human being for a having a heart big enough heart to stick it out this long, long enough that their son is that miserable in his own home. Biological parents find it almost impossible some days never mind someone who isn’t biologically related. It’s no way to live and they do not deserve a hard time for feeling this way! Deluded

That’s really spiteful. If you read the SEND threads lots of biological parents can’t cope with their disabled children. The difference is they do have unconditional love for them underneath it all; step-parents don’t have unconditional love. The fact that her step-child is harming her child (who she does have that unconditional love for) means she needs to leave and do what’s right for her son.

i say this as a step-parent of a child with an EHCP. Fortunately he is not violent but his needs are high and have a significant impact on the whole family. I don’t think he hates me but he has no affection for me despite me being in his life since he was 2. I care deeply for him, feel sorry for his struggles in life and do an awful lot behind the scenes to support his dad (mostly research into strategies to use with him, school choices etc.) but at the end of the day if his dad wasn’t doing 90% of his care I could not cope and that’s because I don’t have an undying love for him and endless patience. It’s also better for him as he loves his dad and wants him, so me only doing occasional pick ups from school (but straight home to dad) or trips out with the kids (that DSS chooses to come on) is best.

Poor OP has been landed with a child who was removed by social services so will have significant trauma and this alone would be too much for a lot of adults to handle. Add autism and jealousy over her son living with his own biological mum and you have a complete storm. I don’t think many people would cope well in that situation.

The 7 year old will be 15 by now so hopefully OP has moved on

The only difference that would possibly have made would bring the formulation of ehr post to say "although I realise at least some of this behaviour is linked to the boy's disability and traumatic life circumstances, the result is my son and I are continuously subject to violence both physical and verbal to the extent that our life has become unbearable.
None of the tactics implemented by school have worked either and he is constantly getting sent home, so there clearly aren't any obvious solutions available".

Except the OP is human and how the behaviour feels to her ia hatred. She is allowed to feel that. She is a victim of the behaviour, whether or not the child is penally and/or morally responsible. Violence is still violence and a victim is still.a victim.

OP

What a wonderful mum you are. I was the child in your sons situation. As we grew older, I was regularly assaulted and if I complained I was told it was normal sibling fights. My home life was so awful, I spent most weekends at my friends houses. When I turned 18 I was left home right away.
You have shown your son so much love and how valued he is.❤

😁The thread is 8 years old