Cant cope with autistic step child

[India27]

Im a step mum to an autistic child who is seven, his mum has had him took off her by socail services and his dad has full custody, so we all live together and I also have my own son who is eleven. We have all lived together for a year now and I wasn't prepared for this situation at all, it don't matter what I do his child hates me and my son, hes horrible to me and my son and has hit my son for no reason and his excuse is its because of his mum, he also does this when his dad is not around, his dad works full time and I pick him up from school, nearly every day the teacher calls me in because of his behaviour towards staff and children if he doesn't stop this behaviour the teacher cant have him in the class and hes got to work in a room alone, he gets chucked out of clubs, so its not just me and my son hes horrible to, ive have done and do my best for his child and all I get is hatred back, he also lies about me and he seems happy when hes causing drama, what I cant take is him being mean to my son for no reason, he gets frustrated because my son is naturally good at sports and when he tries he struggles and takes it out on my son, which is not fare, autistic or not there is no excuse to hit out at another child, I have to put my son first, he broke down to me the other day just before he went to stay at his dads, my son said he cant cope with my step sons behaviour and dose not want to come home from school because of him, hes still at his dads and before he comes home im going to leave this situation and move bk with my parents untill I sort everything out, I do love my partner but I have to put my sons happiness and well being before mine, I have had a cancer scare and it has made me wake up, you gotta put yr own first, there is nothing wrong with that. No one can judge this situation until you have lived it, people say there only a child but were all only human and there only so much you can take wether its a child or adult acting this way. Im going to tell his dad this week that im leaving because its not fare on my son and that I also struggle with his sons behaviour and hatred, im not gonna feel guilty because its the truth, hes still abit in denial of his sons behaviour, which hasn't helped, he already knows that im struggling, im very honest with him, he thinks that in over reacting and says hes only a child, I never imagined that a seven year old child can turn your life up side down cause if he was still with his mum I would stay here, but that is never going to happen, this is his final destination and my son and i cant cope with the outbursts, holidays, days out wether hes being good or bad hes always has to be centre of attention and trys to ruin the day, im making the right choice for my son he will never have to endure his hatred again, disability or not.

[India27]

Thanks everyone, ive moved all belongings out and ready to start a new chapter for my self and my son, I do miss the dad and its feels strange its all over, but I know its all for the best and times a great healer, xx

[SandyY2K]

I do understand the comment about being in denial. ..because your DP didn't see his DS for prolonged periods of time . ..it may not have been overtly obvious to him...coupled with not wanting to accept there was a problem.

My friends DH did the same...it's often men who are in denial. ..he would say "he's just a little rascal. ..I was like that as a child. ..he'll grow out of it"...

His comments prevented my friend from getting help. ..until his own mum was visiting (from abroad) and noticed the obvious.

He just couldn't handle it.

[SandyY2K]

Captain - I think you just want a row.

I agree. It's not all 'me me me ' either. It's about the OPs son..who some seem to think is less important than her DSS because he's autistic.

[ElChan03]

Thanks @bananasinpyjamas11 Mumsnet is the only place I really talk about my life at home. A lot of people irl for me just say oh I couldn't do it etc and I get uncomfortable talking about it.
As I said earlier though it's really hard to be a step parent to a child with additional needs regardless of whether you "understand" their condition or not, you had to adapt really fast and it's hard to he prepared. I do definitely commend you for trying though op. I know if I had anyone telling me they had met a man who had disabled children... to think long and hard about the implications that has on a person's life, especially building a bond with a child with autism. It can be tough!

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

I really, really hope that his Dad does step up massively. Such a sad story.

I hope you and your son find stability OP.

ElChan I just wanted to say what a remarkable step mum you seem to be. You’ve had it tough from your post, yet have stepped up to the challenge.

[HateIsNotGood]

OP it sounds like the best possible outcome for everyone - and if I read your updates correctly it looks like your DP has 'realized' and accepted his DS's needs - the DSS that you have supported for the past year - and is doing what is needed.

A shake-up of the situation is what was needed and it takes a brave woman like yourself to do that and you have my respect.

There is a silver lining to this - DSS is only 6 and it is very possible that this 'trajectory' of negative behaviour can be turned round, and you have actually provided the situation for this to happen so don't ever think that you have failed anyone - you haven't and in fact have helped others whilst protecting your son.

Your relationship with your DP isn't over either - it sounds solid - he has 'heard you' and your concerns and is now doing what needs to be done too. Right now you might need to live apart but that doesn't mean you will always have to.

I wish you all the best.

[GoBhfuilAnSoal]

So the SS has a DX of autism & has 1:1support in school which means an EHCP is place, but dad is still in denial.

[squishee]

That sounds promising OP. Can the boy's father qualify for carer's allowance?

[ElChan03]

Good luck with your next steps and just remember there is no right or wrong with this. There are times you have to put your children and yourself first. You did your best in a really tough situation. Hold onto that when he tries to downplay how hard it is. He would need to make some serious changes in attitude for you all to move forward.

I hope it all goes Ok!

[India27]

Thanks, I have a good family that will help me, I do feel bad on the dad but exactly what wino said,ultimately I have to put my son first, seeing his face happy to come home will give me the happiness to make me strong, hes gonna give up work and care for his son.

[alotalotalot]

A very sad situation for all of you.

[Hownow39]

Your partner is in denial. I hope you stay strong for your son and don't let him down talk the situation.

Good luck. X

[MistressDeeCee]

I hope you find happiness OP. I'd do the same as you, in your shoes. I couldn't and wouldn't cope with that situation. Not at the expense of my own child I don't care how 'unworthy that sounds. I hope his dad stops the denial and can be there for his son, and access all the support they both need

[India27]

Thankyou xx

[Winosaurus]

I feel so sad for you all. This is such a hard situation but ultimately you have to do what is right for you and your son xx

[India27]

Thanks for all the comments, thankyou to wino and all the other supportive comments, it has really helped me, I told my partner this morning that I can no longer put my son or my self living in this situation.

He was very upset, which was not easy for me as I do love him, but regardless of my feelings I have to put my sons feelings first. He also thinks im over reacting as he says all children argue, but I know this is a complex situation and is more than children just arguing.

[HoppingPavlova]

At this point I agree, the best action is for the OP to take her son and leave. This is perfectly understandable and in no way makes her a bad person. The vitriol she has and complete lack of understanding for her DSS however makes her a complete arsehole. I’m sure the boy does not want to feel the way he does or act the way he does. He is obviously getting jack shit support which he desperately requires. I’m not saying it’s the OPs responsibility and absolutely she does not need to stay and address it but some compassion for a child who was born with a short straw would not go amiss.

The father, well words fail me. Didn’t know his son had autism or a problem until he came to live with him because “the mother never told him”. Even though it appears he had some form of shared custody with visitation before gaining him in a full time capacity. Fuck me. Pretty obvious the poor kid is lacking any form of support let alone the support he requires to function properly.

[squishee]

What do you want from this thread OP?

[Rudgie47]

The Dad needs to parent his child, never mind just working all the time.
I agree OP should leave and tell the Dad to get his finger out. Maybe the child would be better off in care, the dad sounds useless.
I wouldnt look after him either OP, at the end of the day hes not your son.

[ElChan03]

Does not misinterpret it as hatred... sorry phone auto corrected a bit there lol

[ElChan03]

Op, major hand hold here. I can't even imagine how you are feeling right now and I think the fact your venting has been interpreted as venom is pretty sad.

I live with my dp and his two children, dss is 11, autistic, blind and with global development delay. To be a step parent to a child with a disability is very very fucking hard and I take my hat off to anyone else that has done it. No matter how much you think you can cope with it, there are times when you're covered in bite marks, bruises and scratches and you want to cry and say "this is not my fucking problem". I completely get that.

I understood fairly early on how challenging dss was and as there is ss and parent support worker involved with the family I was offered to do parenting courses and special sessions at dss school to better understand autism and parenting. I did them all because I'm not a parent and although I had carer for autistic teenagers as a support worker... the reality of living with it is completely different. There are some weeks where he keeps me awake all night and then I go to work all day to earn money to support this family. I've had to step in and parent children I don't have a connection to other than the fact I really really love their dad.

And living with my dp I saw immediately he coped with everything and never complained. So I advocated dss and dad in meetings to get him a safe space, a special chair, learning disability nurse referrals, ot out to the house to adapt with rails. I did all that and I work fucking hard to do my best by dss. But you know what, even though I do my best and I care for him and I support my dp. There are times I don't like him and I want to run away. I think that's completely normal.

I'm sorry you are in this situation and I hope you do the best thing for you and your son. I think your DP put you in an awful situation with a very distressed child. I can see you're trying and I'm not sure what to suggest. But sometimes understanding autism isn't enough when you're that frustrated with a situation you can't see through it and say "ok this is just the disabilities talking" being bitten so hard your arm goes purple, it's really hard to keep that mantra going because it feels deliberate even if you know deep down it isn't.

All I can recommend is have the space to be able to walk out of the room, deep breaths, someone to vent to that does misinterpret it as total hatred , and fucking long chat with your DP so he actually knows how much you are struggling and how much the two children are struggling. See how it goes from there. Good luck op and if you need a hand hold from one sp of a disabled sc to another. I am here!

[CatMuffin]

I agree smiths

[smithssquarecrisps]

Sorry, that was for Hatels. I thought that was a really kind and understanding post.

[smithssquarecrisps]

^^ What a lovely and thoughtful post

[HateIsNotGood]

OP - I've been reading this thread from the beginning and stayed out because I'm not an SP and my DS doesn't have an SP, (or even a DF because he went NC about 4 years ago) - I've been an LP for years.
I also haven't posted because I don't want to argue with other posters about what is a really difficult situation.

But my DS age 16 has autism - and I really do sympathize with you - it is very hard for anyone to deal with, it isn't always 'pat', help isn't always at hand (if ever) and although there is official support available at school and outside of it, most of it has to be 'fought' for and it takes a lot of time - and adjusting - to get through it. And this is for our own children that haven't also experienced the chaotic background that your DSS has.

You have your own DS to think about too, also a child, and he is very upset - never mind that you actually love your DP and don't really want to leave him.

It is a really hard situation for you and , yes, it has been 'thrust' upon you in a way and I do see that you are just "venting" about DSS.

Take a break at your DPs with DS, you are absolutely correct that your DS needs to know that his needs are your priority - he too has had his life disrupted and full of change.

Then hopefully you, your DP and DSS's GPs can work together to find a way to find the support that DSS needs, that doesn't rely on you being responsible for providing it. Until you feel ready to.