Cant cope with autistic step child

[India27]

Im a step mum to an autistic child who is seven, his mum has had him took off her by socail services and his dad has full custody, so we all live together and I also have my own son who is eleven. We have all lived together for a year now and I wasn't prepared for this situation at all, it don't matter what I do his child hates me and my son, hes horrible to me and my son and has hit my son for no reason and his excuse is its because of his mum, he also does this when his dad is not around, his dad works full time and I pick him up from school, nearly every day the teacher calls me in because of his behaviour towards staff and children if he doesn't stop this behaviour the teacher cant have him in the class and hes got to work in a room alone, he gets chucked out of clubs, so its not just me and my son hes horrible to, ive have done and do my best for his child and all I get is hatred back, he also lies about me and he seems happy when hes causing drama, what I cant take is him being mean to my son for no reason, he gets frustrated because my son is naturally good at sports and when he tries he struggles and takes it out on my son, which is not fare, autistic or not there is no excuse to hit out at another child, I have to put my son first, he broke down to me the other day just before he went to stay at his dads, my son said he cant cope with my step sons behaviour and dose not want to come home from school because of him, hes still at his dads and before he comes home im going to leave this situation and move bk with my parents untill I sort everything out, I do love my partner but I have to put my sons happiness and well being before mine, I have had a cancer scare and it has made me wake up, you gotta put yr own first, there is nothing wrong with that. No one can judge this situation until you have lived it, people say there only a child but were all only human and there only so much you can take wether its a child or adult acting this way. Im going to tell his dad this week that im leaving because its not fare on my son and that I also struggle with his sons behaviour and hatred, im not gonna feel guilty because its the truth, hes still abit in denial of his sons behaviour, which hasn't helped, he already knows that im struggling, im very honest with him, he thinks that in over reacting and says hes only a child, I never imagined that a seven year old child can turn your life up side down cause if he was still with his mum I would stay here, but that is never going to happen, this is his final destination and my son and i cant cope with the outbursts, holidays, days out wether hes being good or bad hes always has to be centre of attention and trys to ruin the day, im making the right choice for my son he will never have to endure his hatred again, disability or not.

[thethoughtfox]

Op, you are really brave. Please move out and put your child first.

[thethoughtfox]

This poor child's situation is desperately sad. Hopefully his father and him can form a strong unit and his father can support him.

[expatinscotland]

The right choice is to leave. It's not your partner's son's fault, but it's not your son's, either, and you need to put him first. Don't look back.

[India27]

Ive been with my partner nearly four years now, we cant carry on living together were never going to move forward, and thats not fair so its better just to go.

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

Absolutely leave. Look after your son. You cannot put him in a position of being abused, which he is.

I have an autistic son, I absolutely love him. He’s a joy. He’s also incredibly hard work. No one underestimate this. He has siblings and it is quite hard for them. However I have had him since birth and I have a fantastic relationship with him, so do they all.

Your poor DSS still only 7 - has had an awful, horrible time. My heart goes out to him. He needs good quality, patient, caring support and a stable home. His Dad needs to do this and even if it means reducing his hours or even giving up work. If he put 100% into his son now, then he could really turn around a lot of his sons distress. Find him a great school. Get him some specialist Occupational therapy (privately) and social skills ASD group, and sounds like a good swimming or sports ASD or whatever suits him regular sessions.

His father needs to dedicate his time, and his money, into his child. If he doesn’t he will have an aggressive, distressed and very unhappy big teenager.

However you have been dropped into this situation and I believe it is not going to help that you stay here. However much you love your DP there are two way, way bigger needs here that trump everything. Your DSS who needs his Dad. Your DS who needs you to take him out of this escalating situation.

Please, please put this across to your DP. He absolutely needs to step up in a way that he does not even seem to imagine right now. He’s ignoring this. Persuading your DP to act is one of the best things you can do right now.

Also, fight for a good school or specialist unit for your DSS. You can do that even if you move out.

You can carry on seeing your DP if you move out.

You cannot protect your own son if you do not.

Once your DP has accepted and stabilized the home for his son. Then in years to come you can consider moving back in?

[Winosaurus]

Captainkirk that’s unnecessarily harsh?!
She’s not saying me me me, she’s saying it’s not fair to have this situation forced upon her own son who is desperately unhappy.
She has no responsibility towards her partner’s son and she has done more for him than his own mother.
I feel sorry for the child but his disability and unhappiness needs to be managed by his actual parents.
Her own son’s happiness IS her responsibility and she’s absolutely right to put him first... if she doesn’t, who will?

I understand SS isn’t coping well but his dad needs to step up, and the OP doesn’t deserve a bashing for wanting to leave

[India27]

And stay gone

[CaptainKirkssparetupee]

Captainkirk that’s unnecessarily harsh?!

No it isn't, did you read my first post on the thread, I actually agree with you?

But....

.... How many time are posters going to say the same thing and hear borderline disablist ramblings back. Really everyone is saying leave, it's not the child's fault but leave and the op is still slagging him off every opportunity.

[India27]

Im not slagging the child off, im venting off

[MrsBertBibby]

OP, you really don't understand autism if you think this child is doing this out of hatred, or because he wants everything to be about him, or he deliberately ruins holidays.

My step son is autistic, and sometimes it can get really tough, but none of his behaviour comes from a bad place. None of it.

[CaptainKirkssparetupee]

Im not slagging the child off, im venting off
You are continually criticising a disabled child, who's disablist means it's hard at the best of times to understand the world who has lost his mother.

Continually, repeatedly and in my opinion callously.

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

Yes leave, however when you do please contact the school, and even social services to say DSS having a change of circumstances and describe his behaviour.

You have stored up resentment and dislike for your DSS. Be the better person. This boy has very few people in his life that really care, or are there for him.

You could make a difference.

Find your compassion for a boy who does not have what your son has. Please persuade your by then Ex DP to care more for his son, nudge him, be firm, get him to step up.

[smithssquarecrisps]

The OP has a responsibility to her own child to ensure that he is happy before anyone else. This is a very sad situation, particularly for the DSS whose own parents do not seem to be supporting him. However the OP is not responsible for DSS and has to put her own child’s needs first.

[emmyrose2000]

You're doing the right thing putting your own DS first. If he was forced to continue living in this set up he'd end up as an angry, rebellious kid too, which woudn't be fair to anyone, least of all your son.

Your SS has been massively failed by his parents. Your DP needs to get his head out of the sand and stop making excuses for his son as it's not doing him any favours at all, either now or in the long run. He also needs to get him the proper help he needs. Even without the autism, I imagine it'd be hard for a seven year old to deal with losing both his mother and other siblings in one hit, even if the home situation was untenable.

Are the other two boys who were removed from the mother also your DP's sons, or do they have a different dad/s? If he's also their dad, why weren't they also sent to him? What was the lead up to them all being removed from their mum? That's not something that happens lightly.

[emmyrose2000]

his mum has a lot to answer for she hasn't helped his autism his dad didnt even know he was autistic till the social told him when her children were removed, she kept that from him for since the child was 3

How could DP not have known his son had autism? Did he not see him at all during that period? Surely there'd have been SOME signs that something wasn't quite right?

[Vibe2018]

I feel very sad for this boy especially when he has lost his mum and is now living with a step mum who thinks he is acting the way he does because of hatred. Its more likely he is acting up because he doesn't have the tools to cope with the world around him.

He is very young - only 7 - and has autism. I have an 8 year old with autism who is lucky that everyone in his life understands him and has worked together to massively improve his life.

I think you ahould leave as you have no obligation here and you do need to put your son first. I can totally understand why you feel stressed because you are in the middle of it and he is not your son so you don't have that connection that might see you through the difficult times. However, I think you really need to stop viewing him as such a horrible boy and see that he is likely acting as he is because of a disability. Imagine if he was blind and you were ranting about what a horrible boy he was because of problems caused by his blindness.

[smithssquarecrisps]

zzzzz - the OP has said that the current situation is making her own child very unhappy. That, for me anyway, should be enough reason for her to move out. In an ideal world we should be able to teach our children important life lessons and those children should be able to take those on board. But I doubt the OP’s son sees it like that. All he knows is that his home life is unhappy. This is not anyone’s fault, particularly not the DSS, but it cannot be ok to make one child’s life difficult just to try and teach him “lessons”. The OP has a duty of care to her child.

[India27]

They got took of their mum because she in a abusive relationship, alcoholic n a druggy, the other two dont know their dad, my partner has been in denial, wen step son came round before at weekends, I would say to his dad his behaviour is out of control and there must be an underlining Issue.

[Sirzy]

This thread shows why people need to think before moving in with someone with children. From what the op has said it was doomed to fail from the start and now the result is two unhappy children one of whom has been constantly abandoned throughout his short life and is about to experience that again.

[QueenAravisOfArchenland]

I agree with PPs that OP should leave, but also that she should try and find some compassion in her heart for a small child who has been hideously let down by both his parents.

I think you should break up with your "D"P on the basis of his shitty parenting alone. He didn't know his child had autism until he was removed from his mother's home? Wasn't he seeing his child? Observing his behaviour? Raising concerns about the inadequacy of his mother's care? How passive is he that he seems content to completely hand over attending to the needs of his SEN 7yo to his ex-wife and partner?

I would do my best to shove a rocket up his arse on my way out the door. The future for this child looks bleak unless his dad turns his attitude around 180degrees and, you know, pays the slightest bit of attention.

[LexieLulu]

100% put your DS first!

Have you told DP you're leaving?

[BoneyBackJefferson]

So little empathy for someone that has been dropped in at the deep end and seems to be the one carrying the can for all the decisions for a child that isn't hers.

OP you are doing the right thing by leaving.