Cant cope with autistic step child

[India27]

Im a step mum to an autistic child who is seven, his mum has had him took off her by socail services and his dad has full custody, so we all live together and I also have my own son who is eleven. We have all lived together for a year now and I wasn't prepared for this situation at all, it don't matter what I do his child hates me and my son, hes horrible to me and my son and has hit my son for no reason and his excuse is its because of his mum, he also does this when his dad is not around, his dad works full time and I pick him up from school, nearly every day the teacher calls me in because of his behaviour towards staff and children if he doesn't stop this behaviour the teacher cant have him in the class and hes got to work in a room alone, he gets chucked out of clubs, so its not just me and my son hes horrible to, ive have done and do my best for his child and all I get is hatred back, he also lies about me and he seems happy when hes causing drama, what I cant take is him being mean to my son for no reason, he gets frustrated because my son is naturally good at sports and when he tries he struggles and takes it out on my son, which is not fare, autistic or not there is no excuse to hit out at another child, I have to put my son first, he broke down to me the other day just before he went to stay at his dads, my son said he cant cope with my step sons behaviour and dose not want to come home from school because of him, hes still at his dads and before he comes home im going to leave this situation and move bk with my parents untill I sort everything out, I do love my partner but I have to put my sons happiness and well being before mine, I have had a cancer scare and it has made me wake up, you gotta put yr own first, there is nothing wrong with that. No one can judge this situation until you have lived it, people say there only a child but were all only human and there only so much you can take wether its a child or adult acting this way. Im going to tell his dad this week that im leaving because its not fare on my son and that I also struggle with his sons behaviour and hatred, im not gonna feel guilty because its the truth, hes still abit in denial of his sons behaviour, which hasn't helped, he already knows that im struggling, im very honest with him, he thinks that in over reacting and says hes only a child, I never imagined that a seven year old child can turn your life up side down cause if he was still with his mum I would stay here, but that is never going to happen, this is his final destination and my son and i cant cope with the outbursts, holidays, days out wether hes being good or bad hes always has to be centre of attention and trys to ruin the day, im making the right choice for my son he will never have to endure his hatred again, disability or not.

[Welldoneme]

I would leave too, you have to put your own needs and your child’s first.

I feel sorry for the little boy but I think the bulk part of the problem is his dad who works ft and probably doesn’t have a clue how demanding it is to be a parent of a sen kid.

[laurzj82]

This is the saddest post I have seen on here for ages. Poor kid.

[youngnomore]

Op. Have social services been tried to help in some way ? Any help at all ? I absolutely understand that you’re trying to put your child first. But can’t stop feeling bad for this poor boy. Who desperately needs love and support even when he’s not perfect.

[Moonshine86]

This is so so sad. The poor little boy. I hope he gets the love and care he deserves.

[India27]

Thankyou for all your commentss im glad most people understand that its not wrong to admit that your finding it hard to cope in this situation and I have to put first my sons well being and happiness before my feelings ,ive been in my partners sons life for three years lived with him full time for one year, I do understand autism and its a lot of changes for him with his own mum failing him, his other two brothers are in care and there autistic to( he still sees his brothers but hasnt seen his mum for 5 months) i feel sorry for him I know he just wants his old life back and I totally get it, his mum has a lot to answer for she hasn't helped his autism his dad didnt even know he was autistic till the social told him when her children were removed, she kept that from him for since the child was 3 I know they all have autism but she has dragged them up, then cant cope and just stops caring for all of them. I dont hate on the child ive tried making a bond just me and him time, all sorts but no matter how much time and energy I put in, its like he blames me for his mums behaviour.I have wanted nothing more for it all to work out becuse I love my partner and it breaks my heart I have to leave him,

[smithssquarecrisps]

Your responsibility is towards your child, who has told you he’s not happy. It’s a very difficult situation but you can’t put anyone else before your son.

[timeforachangeithink]

I feel so sorry for this little boy. I understand why you feel like you do op but that poor little boy. He is not filled with hatred, he is lost and afraid in a world that doesn't understand him.

[italiancortado]

Please do leave.

[greenlanes]

you have a partner problem. He needs to do MUCH MUCH more for HIS child.

and also a paragraph problem. It is impossible to read your posts.

You need to look after you and your son. But please understand that if your partner's son is autistic = he is having a very bad time. Lots of change and his dad isnt there for him. Poor child.

[Wdigin2this]

I'm aware that this child is not being difficult for the sake of it, its the only way he knows how to cope with his frustration, and apparent loss of his mother. But, the OP is right, she has to put her 11 year old son first, and she is doing the right thing by leaving the situation!
If she stays, she risks losing her child, or at least having his life become a misery. It's sad for everyone concerned, but the OP'S first duty, is that of her own child's welfare, and I admire her for making that decision!

[SandyY2K]

Your son comes first...you are making the right decision to move out.

Ignore the harsh comments...people project a lot and take things personally.


One child is not more important than another and your son deserves better.

[India27]

Thanks for the comments it helps to vent off and know that other people see that as a duty as a mother I cant have my son unhappy to come home and would rather stay at school.

Me and my son are very close and I know if I carried this situation on he would probably end up resenting me for it, in a few years hes gonna be a teenager and out with his friends, and might think sod going home to all the drama, stay out with his mates and get into god know what cause he would rather do anything else then come home, I would never forgive my self

My son has already been through me and his dad breaking up. When he comes back from staying with his dad I know he will feel relieved and happy that I have put him first.

[Greensleeves]

I feel rotten about my posts earlier India, and I want to apologise

I have shit going on in my own life that I projected, and that wasn't fair.

I can see why you feel overwhelmed and why you would want to protect your own son above anything else. I feel awful for your stepson, he's being failed dreadfully, but as other posters have said, that's his parents' responsibility and it was really wrong for you to be dumped in at the deep end and expected to just cope with an enormously challenging child.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you well

[notangelinajolie]

You are absolutely right to put your son first. Leave your partner to look after his own son himself - sounds like the two of them need to get to know each other better.

[India27]

No worries greensleeves, thanks everyone I know im making the right choice,

[Sirzy]

I know it would be hard but before you leave could you contact his social worker (assuming with the back story he still has one?) and explain how bad things have got all around so they can step in and provide more support if needed?

[Branleuse]

I think you have to put your son first too. I have a lot of first hand experience of autism and feel sad for that little boy, but your responsibility is for your son, and it is not fair that you have been put in the position of taking pretty much all the responsibility for your stepson and his very challenging behaviour. His dad needs to step up and he wont while youre there.

[India27]

The social dont bother now, he get special help at school, a Teaching assistant is always with him, tbh his dad and grandparents can sort it, I cant deal with any more of the issues

[merrygoround51]

I can understand where the OP is coming from. Not everyone is cut out to deal with these kind of problems. You have to when its your own child and you will dip into those deep reservoirs of love you have to make life more bearable for them.
Some people can do that for others than their own children but some can't.
OP - you can decide to knuckle down with the dad and make a gargantuan effort to deal with your stepsons issues. This will help him and hopefully improve all your lives. However make no mistake your son will suffer in the short term the sense that your will have to direct most of your attention to the child with special needs. Long term your son will hopefully learn the value of building tolerance and helping others and there is real value in that.

But this is a huge commitment and if you are not ready to make it then walking away is best.

[Winosaurus]

Everything @SandyY2K said

Your child is your responsibility and must come first. You are not a bad person for not coping - I know I personally would not be able to look after a child with such severe additional needs that wasn’t biologically mine.
You have tried your best but now his dad needs to take control of the situation.
How are you feeling about your DP? Does the move signal a split or can you continue to date whilst living apart? I can’t help but think you must be feeling incredibly let down by him as you’ve expressed concerns but it’s still got to the point where you feel leaving is your only option.
Good luck xxx

[differentnameforthis]

I have a dc with autism, and it's fucking hard at times op. I have to love my child, I have to help because no one else will (bar dh, and he isn't able to do much because she doesn't him), I can't walk away. Sometimes, when it's really fucking hard I wish I could. So I won't judge you for that. I do judge you for your choice of the word hatred. I very much doubt anything this poor child is doing is out of hatred! And he ISN'T trying to ruin the day at all. You really to educate yourself on the struggles that go with having autism.

However, in a way, Greensleeves is right. If being the parent of a child with autism is hard, being a child with autism is much much harder.

To understand autism, you need to really do your research. There is no point anyone oh here telling you about their experience, because each child is different. Has he had any help with losing his mum? Regardless of whether the move was good, he will struggle massively with that change. There is so much in your op that he will be struggling with.

Only you can decide if you want to keep going, and learn about his struggles.

[India27]

Ive tried, im very honest with my partner he knows how me and my son are feeling, my partner takes his son to school in the mornings now as I said I could no longer do it cause mornings are such a rush I couldnt keep my eye on them constantly so his son was hitting mine and he saying he does it because hes angry not seeing his mum

I only do the pick up from school now,but I gotta constantly be there if there in the same room, my step son lies about me and my son to his dad,grandparents and school. no matter what my son talks about my step son disagrees and says hes wrong constantly, there has been let up with him, this last month has got worse. I cant expect my son to live like that, my son has tolerated so much all ready, he is a very forgiving lad.

Im the adult and im finding this situation difficult to live in,

[CaptainKirkssparetupee]

You are making the right choice to leave.
It's not your stepsons fault that he is unable to cope with his current situation, but it's also not your place to single handedly live like this.

You are unable / unwilling to understand and I don't blame your for that, it's really not your problem.

[CaptainKirkssparetupee]

"me me me me me me"
"Horrible step son"

We get the point op no need to continue to drill it into the thread, you can't cope with a disabled child.