Cant cope with autistic step child

[India27]

Im a step mum to an autistic child who is seven, his mum has had him took off her by socail services and his dad has full custody, so we all live together and I also have my own son who is eleven. We have all lived together for a year now and I wasn't prepared for this situation at all, it don't matter what I do his child hates me and my son, hes horrible to me and my son and has hit my son for no reason and his excuse is its because of his mum, he also does this when his dad is not around, his dad works full time and I pick him up from school, nearly every day the teacher calls me in because of his behaviour towards staff and children if he doesn't stop this behaviour the teacher cant have him in the class and hes got to work in a room alone, he gets chucked out of clubs, so its not just me and my son hes horrible to, ive have done and do my best for his child and all I get is hatred back, he also lies about me and he seems happy when hes causing drama, what I cant take is him being mean to my son for no reason, he gets frustrated because my son is naturally good at sports and when he tries he struggles and takes it out on my son, which is not fare, autistic or not there is no excuse to hit out at another child, I have to put my son first, he broke down to me the other day just before he went to stay at his dads, my son said he cant cope with my step sons behaviour and dose not want to come home from school because of him, hes still at his dads and before he comes home im going to leave this situation and move bk with my parents untill I sort everything out, I do love my partner but I have to put my sons happiness and well being before mine, I have had a cancer scare and it has made me wake up, you gotta put yr own first, there is nothing wrong with that. No one can judge this situation until you have lived it, people say there only a child but were all only human and there only so much you can take wether its a child or adult acting this way. Im going to tell his dad this week that im leaving because its not fare on my son and that I also struggle with his sons behaviour and hatred, im not gonna feel guilty because its the truth, hes still abit in denial of his sons behaviour, which hasn't helped, he already knows that im struggling, im very honest with him, he thinks that in over reacting and says hes only a child, I never imagined that a seven year old child can turn your life up side down cause if he was still with his mum I would stay here, but that is never going to happen, this is his final destination and my son and i cant cope with the outbursts, holidays, days out wether hes being good or bad hes always has to be centre of attention and trys to ruin the day, im making the right choice for my son he will never have to endure his hatred again, disability or not.

[smithssquarecrisps]

Maybe she thought she could cope? Maybe her partner promised her loads of support and then just left her to it? We don’t know the ins and outs of this situation. All we know is that she has admitted it’s not working and she can’t cope anymore.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

CaptainKirkssparetupee

Neither of the child's parents have posted, the step parent has.

zzzzz

She didn't know until after the child was placed permanently in their care. and EoW is quite different to everyday (as some on MN are prone to telling us).

[CaptainKirkssparetupee]

Yes Smith not one person has said otherwise, but this doesn't make it the child fault.

[Nikephorus]

That little boy is just 7 and he's struggling to cope with not only having his parents split up & his dad get a new partner, but not seeing his mum at all, having less contact with his siblings, having a new step-sibling full-time, and having a new home. Any 7 year old would struggle hugely with all that. Add in autism and how exactly could anyone expect him to cope differently? Many people with autism struggle with change - he's had so much change dumped on him it's ridiculous. He's got a step-mum who seems to detest him. No wonder he's lashing out. It's the only way he can think of to try and express himself and his only way of coping. What a poor little lad and what a shitty situation he's in. I'm sure it's hard for OP & her son, but what a complete lack of empathy is coming across from her. That lad has a really crap life and no-one seems to be trying to make it easier for him.

[Pagwatch]

Everyone agrees the OP should leave.

Everything else is about what has happened up until now and who is to nlame which is a nonsense really as the whole thing is a clusterfuck where every single adult involved has been, at best utterly hopeless and the only two people who have done nothing wrong are the two children

My only issues are the mantra of 'look after your own child' which is pretty crap really and the OP believing she knows about autism when she clearly doesn't .

But yes, the Op needs to go. It's actually best for both children.

[UnimaginativeNameChange1]

OP - if you choose to leave, fine. You have your reasons, and it sounds like your ds will be happier.

But a couple of things in case you're not sure.

1. the poor kid (who has lost his mum and his siblings and may well have trauma from whatever it was that caused SS to remove the children in the first place) is unlikely to be setting out to make your life hell because he hates you. In fact, it is very common for unhappy children to express those negative emotions with someone they trust. This little boy has been hugely let down by his parents - it is likely that he will 'test' other adults through challenging behaviour too see if they can be trusted. To sum up: it's not personal.
   
   
2. please try to be less negative about his DM. It sounds like she has been through hell too.
   
   
3. I believe that people can make positive changes. If you have any hope or desire to make it work then try to get SS (I'm assuming they're still involved) or an IAPT referral (you can refer yourselves to IAPT) for systemic family therapy. I think it could help all of you.
   
   Whatever you do, good luck.

[HateIsNotGood]

OP - I've been reading this thread from the beginning and stayed out because I'm not an SP and my DS doesn't have an SP, (or even a DF because he went NC about 4 years ago) - I've been an LP for years.
I also haven't posted because I don't want to argue with other posters about what is a really difficult situation.

But my DS age 16 has autism - and I really do sympathize with you - it is very hard for anyone to deal with, it isn't always 'pat', help isn't always at hand (if ever) and although there is official support available at school and outside of it, most of it has to be 'fought' for and it takes a lot of time - and adjusting - to get through it. And this is for our own children that haven't also experienced the chaotic background that your DSS has.

You have your own DS to think about too, also a child, and he is very upset - never mind that you actually love your DP and don't really want to leave him.

It is a really hard situation for you and , yes, it has been 'thrust' upon you in a way and I do see that you are just "venting" about DSS.

Take a break at your DPs with DS, you are absolutely correct that your DS needs to know that his needs are your priority - he too has had his life disrupted and full of change.

Then hopefully you, your DP and DSS's GPs can work together to find a way to find the support that DSS needs, that doesn't rely on you being responsible for providing it. Until you feel ready to.

[smithssquarecrisps]

^^ What a lovely and thoughtful post

[smithssquarecrisps]

Sorry, that was for Hatels. I thought that was a really kind and understanding post.

[CatMuffin]

I agree smiths

[ElChan03]

Op, major hand hold here. I can't even imagine how you are feeling right now and I think the fact your venting has been interpreted as venom is pretty sad.

I live with my dp and his two children, dss is 11, autistic, blind and with global development delay. To be a step parent to a child with a disability is very very fucking hard and I take my hat off to anyone else that has done it. No matter how much you think you can cope with it, there are times when you're covered in bite marks, bruises and scratches and you want to cry and say "this is not my fucking problem". I completely get that.

I understood fairly early on how challenging dss was and as there is ss and parent support worker involved with the family I was offered to do parenting courses and special sessions at dss school to better understand autism and parenting. I did them all because I'm not a parent and although I had carer for autistic teenagers as a support worker... the reality of living with it is completely different. There are some weeks where he keeps me awake all night and then I go to work all day to earn money to support this family. I've had to step in and parent children I don't have a connection to other than the fact I really really love their dad.

And living with my dp I saw immediately he coped with everything and never complained. So I advocated dss and dad in meetings to get him a safe space, a special chair, learning disability nurse referrals, ot out to the house to adapt with rails. I did all that and I work fucking hard to do my best by dss. But you know what, even though I do my best and I care for him and I support my dp. There are times I don't like him and I want to run away. I think that's completely normal.

I'm sorry you are in this situation and I hope you do the best thing for you and your son. I think your DP put you in an awful situation with a very distressed child. I can see you're trying and I'm not sure what to suggest. But sometimes understanding autism isn't enough when you're that frustrated with a situation you can't see through it and say "ok this is just the disabilities talking" being bitten so hard your arm goes purple, it's really hard to keep that mantra going because it feels deliberate even if you know deep down it isn't.

All I can recommend is have the space to be able to walk out of the room, deep breaths, someone to vent to that does misinterpret it as total hatred , and fucking long chat with your DP so he actually knows how much you are struggling and how much the two children are struggling. See how it goes from there. Good luck op and if you need a hand hold from one sp of a disabled sc to another. I am here!

[ElChan03]

Does not misinterpret it as hatred... sorry phone auto corrected a bit there lol

[Rudgie47]

The Dad needs to parent his child, never mind just working all the time.
I agree OP should leave and tell the Dad to get his finger out. Maybe the child would be better off in care, the dad sounds useless.
I wouldnt look after him either OP, at the end of the day hes not your son.

[squishee]

What do you want from this thread OP?

[HoppingPavlova]

At this point I agree, the best action is for the OP to take her son and leave. This is perfectly understandable and in no way makes her a bad person. The vitriol she has and complete lack of understanding for her DSS however makes her a complete arsehole. I’m sure the boy does not want to feel the way he does or act the way he does. He is obviously getting jack shit support which he desperately requires. I’m not saying it’s the OPs responsibility and absolutely she does not need to stay and address it but some compassion for a child who was born with a short straw would not go amiss.

The father, well words fail me. Didn’t know his son had autism or a problem until he came to live with him because “the mother never told him”. Even though it appears he had some form of shared custody with visitation before gaining him in a full time capacity. Fuck me. Pretty obvious the poor kid is lacking any form of support let alone the support he requires to function properly.

[India27]

Thanks for all the comments, thankyou to wino and all the other supportive comments, it has really helped me, I told my partner this morning that I can no longer put my son or my self living in this situation.

He was very upset, which was not easy for me as I do love him, but regardless of my feelings I have to put my sons feelings first. He also thinks im over reacting as he says all children argue, but I know this is a complex situation and is more than children just arguing.

[Winosaurus]

I feel so sad for you all. This is such a hard situation but ultimately you have to do what is right for you and your son xx

[India27]

Thankyou xx

[MistressDeeCee]

I hope you find happiness OP. I'd do the same as you, in your shoes. I couldn't and wouldn't cope with that situation. Not at the expense of my own child I don't care how 'unworthy that sounds. I hope his dad stops the denial and can be there for his son, and access all the support they both need

[Hownow39]

Your partner is in denial. I hope you stay strong for your son and don't let him down talk the situation.

Good luck. X

[alotalotalot]

A very sad situation for all of you.

[India27]

Thanks, I have a good family that will help me, I do feel bad on the dad but exactly what wino said,ultimately I have to put my son first, seeing his face happy to come home will give me the happiness to make me strong, hes gonna give up work and care for his son.