I'm annoyed, really annoyed!

[LazySusan11]

Dh and I were at an event last night with friends, dsd was staying with a friend..we have her this weekend sat-tues. last night she called at 8pm and asked what time we’d be home, dh told her we would be late and she didn’t want to know anymore. Given she was staying with a friend and it wasn’t officially our night we thought no more of it.

Got home in the early hours (event was an hrs drive away) and we couldn’t work out if we’d been burgled or had a ghost! It was very apparent that dsd had come to ours that evening let herself in with her friends and had quite the party.

Bowls and glasses left out, her bag, overnight bag, socks etc in a trail from downstairs to upstairs, mess everywhere. A bloodied sanitary towel thrown in the bathroom bin not wrapped or put in anything and clothes in our bedroom had been moved, my makeup had been used and left elsewhere.

This morning I went to collect the cigarettes my friend had left at ours before we left for the event and had forgotten to pick them up to drop them off on my way out, only to find they had gone. A full unopened pack.

Dh spoke to dsd on the phone who expressed she felt it was her right to spend a few hours at ours without us being there and apparently her and 3 others were in our bedroom lying on our bed, 2 of the girls went through my drawers whilst other 2 tried on my lipsticks etc.

I am really bloody unhappy about this, of course she is entitled to come to us whenever she likes when we are there, however she specifically checked that we wouldn’t be at home.

I feel as though my personal space has been hugely violated. How dare they go through my belongings and use my make up. She knows who stole the cigarettes too.

Dh is shocked that frankly she could behave this way and also annoyed as I am.

Dsd is 14, not an adult!

[LazySusan11]

My Bose headphones are missing, I really hope I have misplaced them myself but I’m 99% certain they were in my bedside drawer. Currently turning the house upside down hunting for them.

[DarthMaiden]

If you DSD is back now I’d ask her about them tbh.

[TheweewitchRoz]

She’s been totally out of order - there would be serious consequences step daughter or not.

[gingergenius]

Step-child status is irrelevant. She’s behaved appallingly and I think you are managing your emotions incredibly well. I hope your DH and her dm read her the riot act

[isadoradancing123]

Why do some mumsnetters say "oh it's a teen" n if that's the attitude it's no wonder that we are turning a hopeless generation. Being a teenager does not give someone the right to behave ferally

[Wallywobbles]

The Bose headphones need to be replaced by her. Preferably by earning the money back doing something fairly unenviable.

God I dread this shit happening. Fortunately my DSCs mum is much more likely to get this as DH is the opposite of a Disney Dad. My DC though are going to be tricky I suspect based on my teen behavior and that if their fathers.

[WhiteCat1704]

Bloody hell OP..it sounds bad..who does this girl think she is really..I hope her parents stump on it HARD otherwise she might think total disrespect and stealing from you is ok and you will never feel at easy with her around...

also agree she had to replace your things..and applogize to you..and no keys and unsupervised staying from now on..if it means getting a babysitter for a 14year old so be it..at this age she knows that it was wrong..

[Alittlepotofrosie]

Someone needs to get a handle on this girl or you're going to have so many more problems in a years time! I assume you've checked dsds room for your headphones?

[Toffeelatteplease]

I would charge her upfor the headphones. If she complains tough. If she respected you and your stuff she wouldn't be under suspicion.

[LazySusan11]

I’ve looked everywhere, can’t find them. Thing is I don’t feel dsd would steal however I do feel she wouldn’t call someone else out for it for fear of being unpopular. I’ll speak to her in a bit and simply say to text all the girls that were here about my headphones, I want them back by the end of the day or I’ll be phoning the police.

This is horrible because I know she’s capable of being so kind and lovely, I know she has quite a strong sense of justice and I absolutely know she knows right from wrong. She has a huge inferiority complex and wants to be popular, unfortunately the girls she’s chosen as friends are the ones out in the street until 11pm already having sex and drinking.

These girls are absolutely banned from our house and dsd will not be going to theirs either, school is the only place she will see them from now on.

[Bananamanfan]

You would be perfectly entitled to decide what redress you expect for any damage of your things and invasion of your privacy, as this is something that has happened to you.

[Marissa2727]

I don’t think the fact she is your step-daughter is irrelevant, as some other posters are saying.

The relationship is generally different than with a biological parent. She clearly doesn’t see you as being like her mum as you said “she’s already told me as I am not her parent I cannot tell her what to do.”
She has no respect for you as an adult in charge. I would never have rifled through my mums things or used her make up without her permission. I can’t even imagine doing this to a stepmum and with my friends! It is so disrespectful.

You’re entitled to have privacy and she should respect your personal space, even more so than a biological parent. Using your makeup and stealing cigarettes and headphones is awful behaviour and unacceptable. I would take away the key for now as she cannot be trusted to be in the house alone. If you cannot do this at the very least you should get a lock on your room. You shouldn’t have to be constantly worrying that she or her friends are going through your things.

[LazySusan11]

It’s been a bloody awful day, I have never been spoken to so rudely! Turns out dsd took the cigarettes and went to the party where they all smoked them. She apparently has been smoking for a while. I have no idea what to say I am so disappointed. Where do we go from here?

[WhiteCat1704]

grounding, loss of privileges, she had to apologize etc. etc. you know..consequences...

If your DH won't parent and make her at least show you some respect re evaluate the relationship as things will get MUCH worse as she gets older

[NorthernSpirit]

She’s 14 and has no respect for people or their belongings. And she’s 14 and smoking?

Dad needs to step in. She needs to be taught rules and boundaries before she screws up her own life. No one wants to be around someone who feels entitled.

Sounds like she’s calling the shots. You are the adults here she needs discipline.

[donajimena]

If you get on well with her mum its probably best for your DH and her mum give her a joint lambasting

[LazySusan11]

Dh has taken her phone, lots to explain but now he’s trying to get into her phone to check her social media as he’s worried about other stuff seems that there were 6 of them at ours and boys. She is refusing to give the passcode. Even though she has been told she will lose the phone indefinitely she is still refusing.

[Appuskidu]

Blimey!

Can you get together with her Mum and have united approach to this? Did you find your headphones?

[mustbemad17]

I'm struggling with the whole 'stepdaughter so not my place' thing. To me, that becomes irrelevant once the children are in your house! My OH is stepfather & I expect him to treat her as his own; this means through the good & the bad.

She has completely disrespected you OP, not her dad. I would be bloody furious is I weren't allowed to make it very clear how unacceptable that was. If you cannot 'weigh in' when she blatantly targeted you, you cannot be expected to treat her as your own when she is being decent!

[AlternativeTentacle]

She is refusing to give the passcode. Even though she has been told she will lose the phone indefinitely she is still refusing.

Try getting a mallet and holding it 4 inches above the phone.

Although if she is refusing, it really means that she cannot show her innocence thereby she is guilty...of whatever it is your husband is trying to find.

[Appuskidu]

Is she bothered by the threat of losing her phone? Will her Mum back you up?

[PollytheDolly]

For you OP

[DarthMaiden]

Is it a phone with a finger scanner? If so simply hold her finger on it when she’s sleeping.

Otherwise (again for an iPhone)

1. Hold down the home button until Siri appears

1. Ask Siri what the time is

1. When Siri displays the time, click on the image of a clock

1. This will bring up the World Clock/Alarm/Stopwatch/Timer screen, so click on the timer option

1. Then select 'When timer ends'

1. Scroll to the top of the ringtone list and select 'Buy more tones'

1. This should open the Apple Store

1. Click the home button again and it should bring up the main phone screen with full access to the phone...

[MissSmila]

DarthMaiden Great hack! I’m copying that.

[LazySusan11]

Phone unlocked. Videos of her and her friends trying on my shoes, my bags boys in the house when she previously said there were none. Photos of her showing herself in her underwear her pants etc some fairly explicit. I feel so violated swing these girls try on my things..all having a whale of a time. I don’t know what to say anymore or what to do.