I'm annoyed, really annoyed!

[LazySusan11]

Dh and I were at an event last night with friends, dsd was staying with a friend..we have her this weekend sat-tues. last night she called at 8pm and asked what time we’d be home, dh told her we would be late and she didn’t want to know anymore. Given she was staying with a friend and it wasn’t officially our night we thought no more of it.

Got home in the early hours (event was an hrs drive away) and we couldn’t work out if we’d been burgled or had a ghost! It was very apparent that dsd had come to ours that evening let herself in with her friends and had quite the party.

Bowls and glasses left out, her bag, overnight bag, socks etc in a trail from downstairs to upstairs, mess everywhere. A bloodied sanitary towel thrown in the bathroom bin not wrapped or put in anything and clothes in our bedroom had been moved, my makeup had been used and left elsewhere.

This morning I went to collect the cigarettes my friend had left at ours before we left for the event and had forgotten to pick them up to drop them off on my way out, only to find they had gone. A full unopened pack.

Dh spoke to dsd on the phone who expressed she felt it was her right to spend a few hours at ours without us being there and apparently her and 3 others were in our bedroom lying on our bed, 2 of the girls went through my drawers whilst other 2 tried on my lipsticks etc.

I am really bloody unhappy about this, of course she is entitled to come to us whenever she likes when we are there, however she specifically checked that we wouldn’t be at home.

I feel as though my personal space has been hugely violated. How dare they go through my belongings and use my make up. She knows who stole the cigarettes too.

Dh is shocked that frankly she could behave this way and also annoyed as I am.

Dsd is 14, not an adult!

[SandyY2K]

The parents lost control a while ago. This shouting at you both is ridiculous.

She takes advantage of being between two homes and likes to play the victim.

She really has inner anger.

[LazySusan11]

So I've been given a card, in it she writes 'thanks for what you do for me & dad (I see this as her making this a me and them, also she says 'I am willing to apologise' the rest is parroted from the things Dh has said.

I am going to sound like such a bitch here however, I don't see this as any sort of apology not even close, it's lip service (again) I haven't acknowledged the card what I want is a change in behaviour not meaningless words on paper.

Anyway she has her 1st session at the counsellor coming up in a few days. That's good I guess.

[PSMum2]

Ha, “willing to apologize”. My eyes hurt they rolled so far back in to my head.

I don’t think you are reading the situation wrong and you are not being a bitch. No words of advice from me, just commiseration. Hang in there, you’re doing great. I think this is the perfect opportunity for you to make your expectations clear and to stick to them. She probably knows how wrong what she did is but her parents are letting her get away with it (shame on them both) and there is nothing wrong with you standing up for your self in your own home. She’s probably loving the attention and the fact that her parents are interacting so much over her, and of course you are an easy target.

[Giraffesarequitetall]

I suppose it is a start but I think you are probably right in that she has almost been made to do it. It doesn’t sound very sincere sadly.

[gingergenius]

@LazySusan11 it's a start but interesting that she puts herself before dad - territorial almost!. It's a jealousy thing for sure. Hope her counselling sessions help

[Magda72]

Hi Susan - yes like you & others this doesn't really come across as a sincere apologies.
As someone else said, it's very interesting that she put herself in the grouping "me & dad". I really think this is an indication of where her head is at regarding her relationship with her dad; she sees the two of them as the primary unit, both her head & subsequently in the house. It's going to take a lot of counseling to unravel that thought process which in truth was probably established by the dynamics between her parents when she was a tiny child - dad (& possibly Mum) setting her up as the most important person in their relationship, eg your dp seeing his relationship with her as more special/important that his with her mum.
Mind yourself in all this as I do think this girl has some serious 'daddy issues' that aren't going to fix overnight.

[WhiteCat1704]

The thing is though it is not HER issues that should be the focus but your DHs. The only way to fix this dynamic is for him to change. She is 14 and her mindset is a results of your DHs interactions with her. He is not making her(or you) any favours but not parenting.

SD and her counselling is one thing but primarely if you want your marriage to last I would very seriously consider couples counselling. You would all speak about things like boundaries and consequences...your DH would get some outside perspective which may help him..

[Magda72]

Exactly @WhiteCat1704 - for some reason my full post didn't post I must have deleted a paragraph by accident.
I had also said that if this particular relationship dynamic between dp & dsd was established years ago then it's the adults who established it & to that end dp really needs to look at why his daughter is the most significant woman in his life; as in why he has & is giving her so much agency. Dsds comment about me & dad (plus the sitting on the sofa & ignoring op) would lead me to think that the exclusion of a third party to their relationship was established very early on. Dp may not even be aware he's complicit in this but he is.
Not sure if I'm managing to get this down on 'paper' in a coherent way but hope it makes sense.
I just really think OP is going to have to fight for her place in this family unit.

[LazySusan11]

So the saga continues and there is now nothing else I can do so I have choices to make.

Dsd dm has given her back her privileges. I have not spoken to dsd since my last update, dsd today phoned me not to apologise, no to demand her password for her social media. I do not have her password I haven't changed anything.

So basically she's called me to let me know she's got all her gadgets back and it's another 'fuck you'

Dh is angry, he's tried to call her dm to find out why she's given back any privileges given the current situation but she appears to be avoiding him.

I am not playing a game with a bloody teenager, I have told Dh I want nothing more to do with dsd. Given I work away often this won't impact the home too much.

On a brighter note Dh is in contact with services to help him out, seeing there is nothing of mine out it's all locked away has finally (it seems) made him see the situation for what it is.

[BacktoworkonMonday]

for you op. I honestly have no words to help you.

[PSMum2]

I’m sorry you are not getting the support you need from your DH. His daughter is obviously a very troubled girl and you are being made the scapegoat in this situation as that’s easier than addressing what the real issue is.

I hope you can figure out a way to do what is best for you and to be happy. I’m not sure I could stay in a home where I was treated the way you are being treated. I wold probably also draw a line in the sand and start distancing myself from SD.

[howdoyoudecide]

I know this maybe an unpopular opinion but I Don’t see using your skin care and make up as a big deal. When I was a teenager my mum had no problem with me using her stuff, she bottled my clothes etc. If she was your daughter you would feel differently. And trying on some shoes? Don’t really see the problem there. All of them hanging out in your bedroom and going through your drawers was out of order but the other stuff meh. What I am saying is pick your battles. Really worth throwing your marriage away over some moisturiser?

[howdoyoudecide]

Borrowed

[Bonez]

@howdoyoudecide rifling through someone's possessions is disrespectful. Just because you don't care when it happens to you doesn't mean no one else does. If she would have asked to use the skin care, maybe OP would've been fine with it. Letting your friends rifle through your step mother's belongings is disgusting.