I'm annoyed, really annoyed!

[LazySusan11]

Dh and I were at an event last night with friends, dsd was staying with a friend..we have her this weekend sat-tues. last night she called at 8pm and asked what time we’d be home, dh told her we would be late and she didn’t want to know anymore. Given she was staying with a friend and it wasn’t officially our night we thought no more of it.

Got home in the early hours (event was an hrs drive away) and we couldn’t work out if we’d been burgled or had a ghost! It was very apparent that dsd had come to ours that evening let herself in with her friends and had quite the party.

Bowls and glasses left out, her bag, overnight bag, socks etc in a trail from downstairs to upstairs, mess everywhere. A bloodied sanitary towel thrown in the bathroom bin not wrapped or put in anything and clothes in our bedroom had been moved, my makeup had been used and left elsewhere.

This morning I went to collect the cigarettes my friend had left at ours before we left for the event and had forgotten to pick them up to drop them off on my way out, only to find they had gone. A full unopened pack.

Dh spoke to dsd on the phone who expressed she felt it was her right to spend a few hours at ours without us being there and apparently her and 3 others were in our bedroom lying on our bed, 2 of the girls went through my drawers whilst other 2 tried on my lipsticks etc.

I am really bloody unhappy about this, of course she is entitled to come to us whenever she likes when we are there, however she specifically checked that we wouldn’t be at home.

I feel as though my personal space has been hugely violated. How dare they go through my belongings and use my make up. She knows who stole the cigarettes too.

Dh is shocked that frankly she could behave this way and also annoyed as I am.

Dsd is 14, not an adult!

Actually I don’t agree AT ALL with the it’s DSDs home she has every ‘right’ to be there whenever she wants.

NO!

There are so many problems with this. If, in fact, a step child does live full time and never, ever goes to their other parents. Fair enough. However, this is a different set up. OP, of course, would not be surprised that she was there and would not be telling her she shouldn’t be there. She’d be dealing with the teenage party.

However, as the step child does not live there full time - then sticking to arrangments is nothing to do with not ‘letting DSD feel like it’s her home’ and is everything to do with
A) the reason that there are arrangments in the first place. I presume that this is because DSD has another parent who parents her. They are not doing this if they let them come to OPs house without checking first.
B) there are way, way more negatives about a child feeling like they can escape or run off to another house whenever choose to, without asking, checking anyone. They can then, punish a parent who has aggravated them, they can sneak off if they don’t to do their homework, they can choose, in effect, not to have a parent for a period of time because if neither parent is aware or agrees or is concious that they are parenting e.g. if they are out - then they are letting a young teenager do whatever they like.

Anyone pushing the stuff about home is totally missing the point.

Sorry to hear that OP :-(

Sounds to me like your DH and DSD’s mum need a discussion wrt to implementing some significant consequences and considerable tightening of boundaries.

FWIW I think she’s taken the opportunity to show off in front of her friends. Throw an illicit party, let everyone run riot etc makes her look “cool”.

I’d certainly not be biting my tongue DSD or not. She’s violated your belongings and frankly I think you ought to have a say in how she’s punished for this.

I have no idea what consequences there should be for this, she lied, she stole and videoed her and her friends happily trying my things. I’m actually lost for words, at no point has she taken responsibility or owned up just got angry for taking her phone. I honestly didn’t think she was a thief. Dh is very upset he’s finding it hard to believe but the evidence is all there. He will be speaking to her dm tomorrow and it’ll go from there. For now I have nothing to say to her.

I'm sorry, but I really think you're at the stage where you may need to report theft of your headphones to the police, and your DH needs to see that she's not just going with the wrong crowd but a key mover & shaker in that crowd. As a starting point I'd expect DSD to NOT get a major Christmas present, and instead you get new headphones with the money saved.

Your house is now known to several teens as a place to hang out, steal, be sexual (maybe even have sex) and get cigarettes. If you don't find a way to stop this, they will expect to repeat this behaviour.

Tomorrow I shall be sending a group message to all the kids involved letting them know what I know and that we do not expect to see them at our house again.

It’s extremely worrying that’s she’s refusing to accept she’s behaved badly.

If she thinks her behaviour was acceptable then she’s set a very low bar for herself going forward and I’d be concerned about what that would mean in terms of the actions she’s prepared to undertake/facilitate when unsupervised.

I’d probably be looking at a back to basics punishment here. Not just removal of phones/gadgets, but grounded, no friends to visit, any non academic activities cancelled, pocket money withdrawn until she’s paid back what’s been stolen with chores to supplement this, social media accounts de-activated. Favourite clothes/make up all taken away. She can earn these things back one by one, week by week for good behaviour. Poor behaviour gets the previous item returned withdrawn again.

Harsh, yes but I think your DH and her mum need to nip this in the bud now and consequences need to be felt keenly to ram the message home.

It’s not just one thing here but a whole catalogue of poor behaviour, theft, smoking, lying/deceit, invasion of privacy, disrespect for the property of others, inappropriate photos/sexualised behaviour etc

Wait - before you send a message to all your DSD's friends, what's the situation with you having a say in disciplining her? I get that you don't know what consequences should be, but are you and your DP even on the same page that you can say/do something? If there's any chance at all he won't support or convey the strength of your feeling, that would be a concern. Is there a chance DH is finding it hard not just because it's upsetting but because he's also enabling....? Does mum know yet? If you all get on, can you not have an intervention all 3 of you sitting with her together, getting to the root and delivering consequences?

My 17 yo DSD who lives with us is a good kid, normal stepchild behaviour over the years, nothing that lovebombing hasn't resolved, I've never been directly involved with discplining but I have my DH's ear. Unusually the other day she disrespected us with a verbal threat that 'slipped out'. I didn't blink waiting for DH, I dealt with it later calmly letting her know that that would not fly. All good now, but frankly she was a bit shook / surprised that I spoke up so firmly. She's had a couple parties, but we've been in the house - she would be in so much trouble with all 3 of us if she did what your 14 yo has. Hope you guys (incl mum) manage to hatch a plan and stick to it .

Dh doesn’t have an issue with me having my say, he is shocked by all we’ve seen he’s supporting me fully I just have no idea how far it should go. Personally I’d like to see her smart phone removed permanently with a simple phone in its place, no access to social media for now, no access to money so she can’t buy cigarettes and not able to see these ‘friends’ who she smokes with unless unavoidably at school. I feel it has to be made difficult for her to be in this circle so these things cannot be repeated.

Her house keys have been taken and she will never be alone in the house at all.

This is way beyond simple discipline. This requires an intervention. Signing in and out of Home and school. Involve teachers. This has the capacity to become very very serious. Involve her school pastoral team. Build a team around this child. You should in no way feel stymied by your step parent status as she is so far off the tracks I don’t even think that’s relevant now. Get DH, dm and school involved now!

Well, I don't know - do teenagers admit they have behaved badly?
Do adults?
I would stick to your rules but also put this behind you. It's very hard to admit in public you've been stupid and selfish and childish.
She is not going to want to lose face in front of her unpleasant friends, maybe they bully her in a way. Hence the refusal to appear sorry.
I feel you stick to the new rules and hope she has learned her lesson, which she will have imv, unless there is some unhealthy pressure coming from the friends.

Yes teenagers do admit when they’re wrong. Or at least mine do!

She’s slamming doors and making her presence well known this morning. No remorse whatsoever. It’s easy to say put it behind you however she and her friends have gone through my personal belongings, paraded around in my shoes with her saying ‘going through my step mums stuff’ for the camera. She has violated my personal space, openly disregarded the rules we have set in place and no shows no remorse it is apparently all our fault. Too early for wine?! Joking almost

@LazySusan11 go for it. Desperate times call for desperate measures! honestly she sounds like an entitled little madam and the slamming about and deflection is because she knows she’s in the wrong but got caught and isn’t mature enough to admit sh is in the wrong. Teens are often like toddlers in larger bodies!!! Keep strong.

I agree with ‘build a team around the child’,

Support as well as punish.

14 is a very difficult age: she needs to know what she has done / is doing is serious, but at the same time, lose her now and you may never get her back.

I would be WILD in your place OP, but at the same time I know I did similarly awful things as a young teen. (Was better at covering it up, maybe). And I am a responsible, law abiding, kind, citizen these days.

Let her know that her BEHAVIOUR was unacceptable to you, and risky to her. That you are cross about your stuff and privacy, and concerned about her.

Let her see that there is a way forward. If she shows she can have fun and be responsible, she will get her phone back. If she ASKS she is welcome to have friends round and you will even stay out of the front room til 10pm.

She needs to know how important it is that people do not have dodgy pics in their phones and actually even her girl friends can be put in tne register if they have such pics. There are numerous examples.

Good luck OP.

Nah, she knows she is in tne wrong.

They do this self fulfilling prophecy thing. “Everyone hates me anyway right now, so I”ll take control of that and make sure they have a damn good reason to hate me, Slam! Swear! Glare!”.

Don’t rise to it.

Same mantra as toddlers: you love the child, you hate the behaviour.

If she's slamming doors, remove them. That is still an act of utter disrespect on her part towards you & DH.
I'd be making her life as dull & chore driven as possible so that realises exactly what she has lost. Until the consequences are felt fully by her she will just keep trying to make your life difficult

It's past 6pm somewhere in the world OP...good enough for wine 😉

Another voice saying contact the police if the headphones aren't returned.

Sorry I should’ve said, found the headphones!

Do not send a text to the other children, send a group email to their parents and copy the school head teacher into it.

This is serious behaviour

Remove the doors in the house??

P.S That was a question to mustbemad, not a suggestion!

Wow, I would be absolutely furious! I was a child who had (has) a stepmother and I would never ever have dared disrespect her or my Dad like this. Slightly different situation as I didn't live with them for some of the week, she and my Dad live half an hours drive away so I used to get picked up for weekends etc but it was still my second home. I still feel as such now in my mid thirties.

There is no way, even at the grotty age of 14 when I was a bit of a little sod I'd have behaved like that. She's not an adult no, but she's not a young child either she knows this is wrong.

I actually think as a stepparent in your position you absolutely do have a right to have your say to her directly. Sod 'it's not my place' - it bloody well is when she's in your home and behaving like this! If my stepmother heard me being rude, or if me and my brothers (one 'full' and one 'half' - her son - but none of us treated differently) were scrapping or bickering she'd tell us all off and both of my parents were fine with that.

The relationship we had when I was a child/teenager has developed into a real friendship now I'm an adult. She's not in a 'parent' role for me but we get on fantastically, partly due to the fact that I grew to respect her - and so didn't have all the stepparent angst - when I was young.

It's great that you get on with her Mum. I'd suggest a united front where you all sit down with the daughter and tell her how upset you all are with her and explain exactly why she's being punished. She needs very clear boundaries, and to be made aware that if she treats you and her Dad like this, her Mum won't tolerate it either and vice versa.

If she's slamming doors, remove them

Absolutely no way would I be removing doors. For what reason?

Nor would I @DukesofHazzard. She's 14, not 4. Tell her to stop slamming he bloody doors!