I'm annoyed, really annoyed!

[LazySusan11]

Dh and I were at an event last night with friends, dsd was staying with a friend..we have her this weekend sat-tues. last night she called at 8pm and asked what time we’d be home, dh told her we would be late and she didn’t want to know anymore. Given she was staying with a friend and it wasn’t officially our night we thought no more of it.

Got home in the early hours (event was an hrs drive away) and we couldn’t work out if we’d been burgled or had a ghost! It was very apparent that dsd had come to ours that evening let herself in with her friends and had quite the party.

Bowls and glasses left out, her bag, overnight bag, socks etc in a trail from downstairs to upstairs, mess everywhere. A bloodied sanitary towel thrown in the bathroom bin not wrapped or put in anything and clothes in our bedroom had been moved, my makeup had been used and left elsewhere.

This morning I went to collect the cigarettes my friend had left at ours before we left for the event and had forgotten to pick them up to drop them off on my way out, only to find they had gone. A full unopened pack.

Dh spoke to dsd on the phone who expressed she felt it was her right to spend a few hours at ours without us being there and apparently her and 3 others were in our bedroom lying on our bed, 2 of the girls went through my drawers whilst other 2 tried on my lipsticks etc.

I am really bloody unhappy about this, of course she is entitled to come to us whenever she likes when we are there, however she specifically checked that we wouldn’t be at home.

I feel as though my personal space has been hugely violated. How dare they go through my belongings and use my make up. She knows who stole the cigarettes too.

Dh is shocked that frankly she could behave this way and also annoyed as I am.

Dsd is 14, not an adult!

[swingofthings]

It's not you who should be taking the decision of discipline her and calling those involved with your DH support. It should be him tsking that responsibility with your support.

Starting wonder if her outrageous behaviour night have a very for attention from her dad. He seems much too happy to let others deal with the matter.

[DukesofHazzard]

swingofthings

Have you not read any of this thread? I suggest you go back and read OPs posts.

[mustbemad17]

Too right i'd be removing doors, from certain rooms if she's slamming the damn things. No door to her bedroom for instance? Worked a treat in our house; you soon realise how valuable a door is when you don't have one to hide behind!!!

[MrsMotherHen]

Yep another vote for door removal! Also would be "cutting" the plugs from tv in her room computers ect this only works if you or your husband are handy enough to rewire the plugs back on at a later date.

Also I do think you have every right to discipline her when she treats you and your belongings like that have some authorirty tell your husband to back you up aswell that will help.

[DarthMaiden]

Where were the headphones OP?

[mustbemad17]

MrsMotherHen dad used to take the fuses out of ours 😂 But same principle as the door; you realise just how valuable something is when you no longer have it.

[LazySusan11]

Dsd arrived at school without her phone but soon after called from someone else’s phone demanding that she be given her snapchat back that the password had been changed and it’s hers and she is entitled to get into it. Dh said no, you have sent inappropriate photographs some quite explicit and I’m afraid there is no more social media. She went absolutely mad screaming that this was all my fault. Dh calmly told her he was going and put the phone down. She then sent him a text saying ‘she is not my Mum so change that’

I have never not welcomed her, Dh and I always pay half of everything for her, I do the present shopping, I spend the time baking her birthday cakes I treat her as if she were mine and I am shocked to discover how deep her hatred for me goes.

Dsd is great at manipulating and derailing conversations about behaviour etc I suspect she is angry at me because I have called her out and found out exactly what has gone on. She has lost all privileges all gadgets and any access to her social media. Her bank card has been taken and grandparents have been told not to give any money so she cannot buy cigarettes. None of her friends will be coming into our house or her dm and she will not be socialising with them until at least the Christmas half term.

School has been notified and we are waiting for some sort of pastoral care/counselling official to get in touch. Amongst other things when dsd realised she had been caught out she started screaming she was going to kill herself, she left a not on her door about how she’s so unliked and she’s waiting for her time to come. She’d be fabulous in drama school she’s told people she’s bipolar. There is obviously something here that needs to be addressed so hopefully we will get to the bottom of it all over the coming weeks and be able to find a new pathway together.

[LazySusan11]

Also headphones were in a cupboard

[Alittlepotofrosie]

She's totally deflecting onto you. She's trying to make you out to be the bad guy.

[DumbledoresPensieve]

She doesn't hate you. She's lashing out because she is mightily pissed off.

It does sound like she needs to extra support - glad you're getting some sorted. Does she actually have any mental health conditions? Is she desperate for attention? She could just be behaving like a total nightmare teen, but there could also be something underlying - might be worth a chat to a GP.

[LazySusan11]

As far as we’re aware she does not have any mental health conditions however we don’t want to dismiss her as being just a drama queen. I get she’s deflecting on to me, it’s something she has always done. She feels she is entitled to do as she pleases whenever she likes. She can’t grasp that she’s 14 and her parents decide what they feel is appropriate.

[DumbledoresPensieve]

14 for some is the beginning of a really difficult age I guess. Still a child, but on the cusp of not being one for too much longer. Unfortunately for her she's going to have to accept for the next few years she is still a child and needs to start behaving decently and treating those around her with respect. It's hard feeling adult-like but not having the maturity to actually behave like one.

I'm so glad all this nudey/underwear selfie stuff wasn't around when I was young. It's rotten. I don't blame you for taking away access to social media, sounds like a good first step! When she gets it back I'd insist on Dad having passwords so he can keep an eye on it.

[swingofthings]

I have never not welcomed her, Dh and I always pay half of everything for her, I do the present shopping, I spend the time baking her birthday cakes I treat her as if she were mine and I am shocked to discover how deep her hatred for me goes
But she doesn't want this from you but from her father and right now she is picking up that her father is just following what you are telling him to do. Although I think your punishment are totally appropriate, she seems to be rebelling against the fact that she feels you are more the force behind her parenting than he is.

[LazySusan11]

Not true swing Dh is in the driving seat as is dsd dm, myself and dm partner are supporting their decisions. Discipline is not something I get involved in. My role is to support my dh.

[Alittlepotofrosie]

Doesnt matter who is driving it anyway. Fact is someone needs to do something about this and if the parents ain't, then op has to.

[swingofthings]

Not true swing Dh is in the driving seat as is dsd dm, myself and dm partner are supporting their decisions. Discipline is not something I get involved in. My role is to support my dh.
Yet you said in earlier posts that you had to talk to your OH because he was clueless about discipline and you were going to send a message to all the girls about not being allowed in the house.

I'm not saying you are wrong in anyway, but I do suspect that your DSD does feel that you are ruling the roost and telling her dad how to discipline her and I expect that's the reason why she is rebelling.

[LazySusan11]

Yes perhaps then she does see it as me driving this when actually I’m giving an opinion (albeit a strong opinion on this) and between Dh and the dm they have decided on a strategy. I can’t change her opinion of me and to be honest at the moment I’m not bothered what she thinks of me.

[DarthMaiden]

Personally I think it’s simply easier for her to blame the OP than to look in the mirror and/or blame her parents - even if they are driving the consequences for her behaviour.

OP I don’t think there is much you can do for now other than ride it out and support your DH.

In truth I suspect she knows deep down she’s behaved badly but prefers to front it out and lash out in response. As long as she sees her parents continue consistently with the punishment proposed, then hopefully she’ll come to a point of self reflection.

Ultimately she needs to be able to admit to herself that’s she’s behaved badly and given the phone call this morning I’d say she’s some way off that.

She needs time for her anger and “self righteousness” to dissipate - right now she’s too busy being indignant at the punishment to process the fact she deserved it.

[MaggieMay23]

I’ve been reading this thread from the beginning. It’s an awful thing to have happened and I feel very upset that it’s happened to you. Step parenting must be one of the worst jobs in the world - no one tells you what to do and there isn’t a rule book. You often can’t do right for doing wrong - even now as a step mum to two adult SD I often feel like I can’t get it right. I also have a SD from a previous relationship who used to steal from me and root around the bedroom taking things belonging to me - I felt invaded and violated.

I’m also a teacher with teenagers with emotional and behaviour difficulties, and many many of the kids I work with are in step families or blended families etc and the big issues for them is about fairness and boundaries and consistency. So you’re right to as a family impose sanctions on her and make sure you all keep to these and to keep it up so that you’re all singing from the same hymn sheet. It’s also important to tell her, although I bet you don’t feel like this at the moment after what’s happened, that although you don’t like what she’s done and are very angry and hurt you still love her but you’re finding it hard to feel that love for her at present.

She’s made a big big error of judgement and she may, underneath the arrogance and temper tantrums know that she’s cocked up massively but she’s not going to acknowledge it and instead, like a lot of kids is going to try to neutralise it and blame other people ie you - in her head she’ll be thinking everything would be fine if she ( you) weren’t here and everything would be back to normal - as it was before her DM and DD split up - its the rose coloured glasses thinking it was all fine before her mum and dad split and wanting those days back and in her thinking (maybe) if she could get rid of you and mums new partner then her DD and DM would get back together and it would all be fine, like it was before. It’s not going to happen and logically she knows that but also the little in her still thinks that.

In a weird way, and right now it’s hard for you to think this, she is probably quite admiring of you and your looks and clothes and and was showing you off to her friends - this was massively the wrong way to go about it and it completely backfired on her, but I know from my own SD, and having spoken to her when she was older about her behaviour towards me when she was younger - the stealing etc that she admired me and regretted how she’d treated me as I’d always been so nice and caring to her - but that this was causing her to have divided loyalties - she wanted to hate me as she saw me as the reason for her parents break up - not the case at all.

[Magda72]

This is a little off topic but while there's been some great advice on here I'm very much struggling with this kid being 'excused' because she's a stepchild.
She's being a brat, & while I understand mum & dad not living together is hard for a lot of kids it's not the end of the world!
This 14 year old has behaved appallingly - end of!
I know plenty of kids with divorced parents who would never dream of behaving like this & I know plenty of kids from 'regular' homes who would.
This kid sounds like she's been heavily indulged for years (not having a go OP) - THAT'S the issue - not the fact that her parents are divorced. By all accounts she has 4 loving adults caring. For the record OP you sound like a rock of sense - hang in there 💐

[LazySusan11]

Thank you for the support and the helpful insights, I’ve taken it all onboard. Dh has this evening told her exactly what is happening regarding the consequences of her actions and she started shouting that there was no way she was going to be without her phone for that long that she would agree to a week maximum 😳 she absolutely refuses to accept ownership over her choices and told me she in no way regrets what she did. I suspect that’s not true but needs to save face.

All she seems to want is to engage Dh in a slanging match which he is refusing to do and walks away, she then follows hurling insults and screaming. We are knackered!!

[DarthMaiden]

Oh dear

As I said below I think you need to give her time.

I think your DH is right about refusing to engage other than re-affirm the punishment.

DH and I feel that that the teen years can be a repeat, to a degree of the terrible twos. Hormones all over the place being the root cause, but resulting in tantrums, testing boundaries etc.

Problem it’s a damn sight harder to deal with when you can’t physically pick them up and put them on the naughty step .

That said, sticking to your guns and being consistent is still key. Making sure the screaming tantrums have no effect, just waiting till they wear themselves out of it rather than arguing back.

That said one thing we did (and may end up doing come round 2 with DS if needed ) was to say the punishment time limit wouldn’t even start whilst there was an expectation that yelling at us and questioning the punishment was still being acted out.

[LazySusan11]

That’s a good idea Darth, will mention that to Dh

[NannyOggsKnickers]

This sounds awful. I deal with teen girls everyday at work and they are just the worst- especially the ones that go around in packs and have a massive chip on their shoulders.

However, it is very rare that there isn’t a really good kid underneath who is making some bad choices. There are a few tricks I use when talking to them to cut through the emo-drama:

• stick to the facts when going through the incident (almost like the police). If they vere off into self pity or rage then keep calm and keep coming back to the facts.
  

• ask them to talk you through what happened. They will quite often trip themselves up and admit to something. Once they’ve done that then it gets easier to talk about their poor choices. It’s a good idea to frame it in terms of choices and decision because it focuses on behaviour rather than them as a person.
  

• keep repeating how much you like them as a person ‘you’re a lovely girl’ etc. Try to show them that you are discussing this particular incident rather than them as a whole. Students sometimes accuse me of not liking them because I pull them up on bad behaviour. I make it as clear as I can that it is the behaviour I wouldn’t accept not the kid themselves.
  

• talk about the ‘we’ rather than the ‘you’. So when you are talking about the behaviour discuss it as a family thing ‘we don’t do stuff like this’. She’s forming a bond with her friends and they are creating new group norms. Try to pull her back to the accepted standard in your house.
  

I also think you should be prepared to show her just how much she’s hurt you. Be honest but unemotional. Tell her how much you felt violated and abused by her decision to go through your stuff and therefore break your trust. Place emphasis on how much you value your relationship with her and how much her choices have damaged that relationship. She needs to know.

[endofthelinefinally]

I think far too much bad behaviour is put down to "teenage hormones".