I'm annoyed, really annoyed!

[LazySusan11]

Dh and I were at an event last night with friends, dsd was staying with a friend..we have her this weekend sat-tues. last night she called at 8pm and asked what time we’d be home, dh told her we would be late and she didn’t want to know anymore. Given she was staying with a friend and it wasn’t officially our night we thought no more of it.

Got home in the early hours (event was an hrs drive away) and we couldn’t work out if we’d been burgled or had a ghost! It was very apparent that dsd had come to ours that evening let herself in with her friends and had quite the party.

Bowls and glasses left out, her bag, overnight bag, socks etc in a trail from downstairs to upstairs, mess everywhere. A bloodied sanitary towel thrown in the bathroom bin not wrapped or put in anything and clothes in our bedroom had been moved, my makeup had been used and left elsewhere.

This morning I went to collect the cigarettes my friend had left at ours before we left for the event and had forgotten to pick them up to drop them off on my way out, only to find they had gone. A full unopened pack.

Dh spoke to dsd on the phone who expressed she felt it was her right to spend a few hours at ours without us being there and apparently her and 3 others were in our bedroom lying on our bed, 2 of the girls went through my drawers whilst other 2 tried on my lipsticks etc.

I am really bloody unhappy about this, of course she is entitled to come to us whenever she likes when we are there, however she specifically checked that we wouldn’t be at home.

I feel as though my personal space has been hugely violated. How dare they go through my belongings and use my make up. She knows who stole the cigarettes too.

Dh is shocked that frankly she could behave this way and also annoyed as I am.

Dsd is 14, not an adult!

I feel like I’ve disappeared into some weird rabbit hole...dsd is chucking stuff about has ripped up her homework because she forgot her geography workbook and doesn’t know the answers. Now throwing stuff down the stairs, she really believes she rules this house and her word is law. I am reaching my limit. I am sick of this!

Would it hurt for you to lay down the law? Sounds like she needs a shock.

She’s currently screaming at us, neither of us are engaging and it’s getting far worse the insults are choice. ‘How much are you paying dad to stay with you’ was one. Nice, really nice.

I sound so wet, but engaging with her calmly or shouting has no effect she is like a Duracell bunny. On and on and on.

Keep ignoring. If necessary, say 'I'm not going to talk to you while you're behaving like this', but really try not to engage - that's what she wants.
She's working really hard to escalate it to a point where you or DH react in an angry way, then she'll use it as a reason to turn this all around on you both.
Easily said from my end of the Internet, I know.
Strength, OP.

She being a petulant child/baby. She’s knows she’s made some appalling mistakes and she’s thrashing around trying to blame everyone else. What did her DM say about it? Are the school involved?

I can’t stomach the shouting, the rage coming from her the way she speaks to us demanding that someone speaks to her. She’s told me to shut up, that I am vile I am a massive bitch and I need to leave. I’m looking for the gin I hid

As mine said. She’s deliberately trying to raise the ante here.

She obviously feels she’s got nothing left to lose.

So you can either keep ignoring her and say her punishment won’t start till behaves but if that doesn’t work then think about what else she does have to lose.

At 14 a girl who’s into social media I’d guess her make up is important to her. Next step if she doesn’t stop yelling is take her make up bag off her. Then any “cool” favourite clothing/jewellery. Remove posters etc from her room.

It’s bloody hard, but losing your rag is just what she wants here.

I'm with Darth re the consequences. If she won't calm down, start removing more of her items. She doesn't need anything except the basics. And hard as it is, don't engage in a slanging match. With any luck she'll lose her voice & give you a break soon 😑

Ewwww I understand your nightmare having had a DS14 who did the same thing a few years ago.

My way to deal with it was utter disappointment and sadness that he didn't have respect for his own fucking house and called him out on allowing others to treat HIS house like that - are those really people who are his friends if they don't respect HIS fucking house?!!

It did work. I understand the desire to give consequences via 'things' but I think the biggest consequence of all is the thought you've ruined a relationship / trust...and somehow the phone becomes the thing you talk about rather than the fact you are utterly gutted by the behaviour and what it means for your relationship

Good luck.

Good idea darth make up next thing to go if she carries on I would class this as a "luxury" and keep your own in your handbag so she can not get any.

She is really dragging this out isnt she.

Whats her mums take on all this is she supporting you both?

I’ve had enough, I’ve just hugged her and hugged her. I can’t stand the angst she and I have a long way to go to repair our relationship but we all need a hug sometimes not because her behaviour is ok but because it just makes you feel safe and loved. I’ve explained that she still needs to take responsibility for her actions and the choices she’s made. Her consequences remain but at least she’s finally calm and has gone to bed. I am wiped out!

Bring on the wine!!!

Brilliant!! well done 🍷🍷 I kept trying to think of a way to break it - to stop her tirade. You found your own way

When I have an issue with someone - I try a bit of love bombing - sometimes it works

Sympathy op. I would go mad and be upset if my own dd did this. Violating and horrid lounging in your room like that.

Some good advice on your thread will take notes for the future!

I think you deserve OP.....

Let’s hope tomorrow is better.

G&T never tasted so good! Thank you all so much for such brilliant advice and for the support. Greatly appreciated!

It might be that she's backed herself into such a corner she doesnt know how to come back from it So she's just making everything worse. So perhaps she's calmed down because you've given her a way out. Well done op. It must have taken a lot for you to go and do that. Fantastic stepmum. One day she'll realise she's lucky to have you.

Oh OP, what a shit situation for you.
T I think hugging her was the trust step forwards though.

I know even now when I'm manic, or scared, or ashamed...or any of those scary emotions that other people manage so much better than me, a hug is what I need the most to be able to break through it, but also the hardest thing to ask for for a myriad of reasons

(In context I have BPD so somewhat the emotional stability of a 14year old girl)

Brilliantly well done OP, hugging her was exactly right.

My guess is she really doesn’t hate you, and actually it may be that the more she likes you, the more she feels conflicted loyalty on behalf of her Mum, so she fights back against that care for you.

If that makes sense.

I know all you adults are cool with it all, but she has a little girl inside who remembers when it wasn’t all ok.

So much anger and emotions, so much on her chest. What is going on? Why is she so angry, especially with you, and starting to engage in destructive behaviour? Why is it you giving her hugs and not her dad?

Sounds like she would benefit from some counselling.

Oh well done. I think you are handling this brilliantly.

Hi OP - well done you.
However as someone else noted - your dsd's ongoing rage seems very disproportionate to the situation. I would be concerned about the high level of emotion she seems to be carrying - most teens blow up & then down or sulk - she did neither.
Also, where was her dm and df while all this was taking place last night?
Not judging - just wondering.

Now things have calmed down. I’d use this as opportunity to get things much more in hand way her Mum and dad. Why did her Mum not know where she was? It should be really clear who she is staying with, when.

Loose arrangements are crap - happens so often in step families.