I'm annoyed, really annoyed!

[LazySusan11]

Dh and I were at an event last night with friends, dsd was staying with a friend..we have her this weekend sat-tues. last night she called at 8pm and asked what time we’d be home, dh told her we would be late and she didn’t want to know anymore. Given she was staying with a friend and it wasn’t officially our night we thought no more of it.

Got home in the early hours (event was an hrs drive away) and we couldn’t work out if we’d been burgled or had a ghost! It was very apparent that dsd had come to ours that evening let herself in with her friends and had quite the party.

Bowls and glasses left out, her bag, overnight bag, socks etc in a trail from downstairs to upstairs, mess everywhere. A bloodied sanitary towel thrown in the bathroom bin not wrapped or put in anything and clothes in our bedroom had been moved, my makeup had been used and left elsewhere.

This morning I went to collect the cigarettes my friend had left at ours before we left for the event and had forgotten to pick them up to drop them off on my way out, only to find they had gone. A full unopened pack.

Dh spoke to dsd on the phone who expressed she felt it was her right to spend a few hours at ours without us being there and apparently her and 3 others were in our bedroom lying on our bed, 2 of the girls went through my drawers whilst other 2 tried on my lipsticks etc.

I am really bloody unhappy about this, of course she is entitled to come to us whenever she likes when we are there, however she specifically checked that we wouldn’t be at home.

I feel as though my personal space has been hugely violated. How dare they go through my belongings and use my make up. She knows who stole the cigarettes too.

Dh is shocked that frankly she could behave this way and also annoyed as I am.

Dsd is 14, not an adult!

It's not. Of course it's not. What's DH doing about it?

Susan, I'm not saying walk out tonight, but things are still getting worse and her parents either aren't taking it seriously or they can't cope. Either way, when you're at the point of having to lock your things away to stop her from stealing them and feeling like a prisoner in your own home and being screamed at, you're onto a loser right not.

Do you have the option of moving out for a bit? You're going to get ill from all this stress and things aren't getting better are they? It's not weak to take a break from it all, if you don't look after yourself you're not going to be able to look after anyone else.

I am thankfully on a work assignment for a couple of weeks next weekend so that will give me a massive breather and hopefully time for Dh. She has her counselling session this week and I am really hoping we have some resolution. She is clearly really unhappy and I am not only fed up with the drama and seeing Dh upset and unable to cope but sad to see someone so capable and actually rather lovely in the place she's in.

Dh spoke to dsd on the phone who expressed she felt it was her right to spend a few hours at ours without us being there back to the original post. She’s pushing her limits particularly with you and sounds very angry and entitled too.

Counselling isn’t going to help what sounds more like boundaries and lack of structure. What is the use of giving her social media when she does the dishwasher when she is still stealing, lying and screaming at you both?

I’d sell the iPhone, iPad and computer to replace the stolen/destroyed items. If she needs the computer for schoolwork that’s tough - she’ll have to work in the library like the other kids who don’t have computers.

I’d have all makeup and luxury items out of her room. If you aren’t entitled to yours surely she isn’t entitled to hers.

And I’d have the door off her room. You get no privacy? Neither does she.

Lock is going on the bedroom door but will Dh lock it whilst I'm away probably not, he is obviously torn and honestly neither of us have an idea of how to deal with this. She's between 2 houses and I wonder if this makes setting tougher boundaries harder, the barrage of abuse the rudeness and the 'fuck you' attitude is really very wearing.

Why is she like this?! Where have we gone wrong?

Cat if I had a say I'd get rid of the iPhone and iPad in a heartbeat.

Are the friends really friends or are they bullying her?
What is she doing with the stuff she is stealing?
I may be completely wrong but just a thought.

Last night she 'just' helped herself to my skincare and used it on herself. It would seem that her group of friends thrive on drama. There's no apparent girl code according to her and so there's always arguments over a particular boy then they screenshot what someone has said about another and send that screenshot to the person being talked about.

I don't recall having such dramatic teenage years! Last night she was shouting because she felt Dh was an awful dad because he didn't entertain her from the moment she got up to the time she went to bed. They did in fact watch a film together, play several card games together and cook dinner together. They spent an entire day with each other she had his full attention which is lovely, however I returned home in the evening took myself off to do my packing and Dh came up to say hi and bring me a cup of tea and it all sort of went downhill from there.

I have no idea why she would be feeling so pushed out, I am away a lot with work and see my Dh roughly 7 months of the year (not in one go though) and contact with dsd has never been altered for my benefit we've made sure of that.

I'm done with it, Dh and his ex can deal without any further input from me, I'm not taking her out again I'm doing no more for her until she can speak to me as if I were a person not a bit of dirt.

Get your stuff locked down and reconsider your relationship. This girl sounds like a spoilt little shit, and this ties in with her thinking she has the right to take and use everything in the house. The fact that her father is frightened of disciplining her is telling - nobody should be frightened of disciplining their own naughty child.

You don't have to bite your lip on this. Tell her to shut her foul mouth or you'll film her tantrums and tag them on facebook.

You need out Susan. What does the future look like right now with nothing changing?

The thought of breaking up my marriage because of dsd makes me feel sick.

Then stay married but move out?

Well..I told you OP that hot chocolate when she didn't even bother apologizing is a shit idea.
Things will still get even worse for you unless your DH steps in. Really and truly backs you up and takes your side 100%.
Your DSD knows she is causing you grief and she doesn't care. She is manipulating her father so that he gives you no attention, feels guilty and lets her do whatever she wants..the worst part is that she thinks she is your equal.

I am afraid unless DH does something about this behaviour and sticks to it your marriage is done. Sooner or later you will snap.

As to WHAT he should do...tell his DD who is in charge and enforce it. Unless she starts showing both of you some respect(as a minimum no shouting in your home) AND apologizes to you AND comensates for your stuff she can stay at her mothers, who by the sounds of it has no issues with this behaviour.

If your DH is "torn" you have no marriage but a SD with an elevated sense of self and in a position of a mini wife.
Life is too short.

Btw. In the short term protect your stuff!

Oh..and OP..WHY is your DH "entertaining" her..watching movies, cooking, playing games etc. when she is treating you so appallingly??? Why is he pretending there is no issue? Does HE actually see that his daughter disrespecting his wife is an issue?
Why the hell he hasn't enforced an apology as a minimum?

This is what you have done wrong!! Her father is being a friend and not a parent..he is acting weak and lets a 14year old call the shots and manipulate..common problem post divorce but produces utter entitled shits and is the reason why over 70% of second marriages where kids are involved fail..

Forget SD. I think your DH could use therapy. Maybe you both could as it seems like he is minimising his Dds impact on you.

I'm glad I took her out and I tried, she doesn't see herself as my equal she sees herself as above me. Tells me because I moved in with Dh she has far more right to be in the house than I. We are planning on moving shortly which I hope will put us all on a level platform. Dh and I are a really good team in all other areas he is a good husband he's just rubbish at parenting and he's struggling. I don't want to chuck in the towel I didn't get married to down tools when the going gets tough.

It's not that either Dh or her dm are ok with her behaviour they just don't know what to do now. Having her phone and iPad removed, no socialising, no after school activities and no computer has had no affect on her whatsoever. She feels that no one wants her which is so far from the truth but that's her perspective.

Why would ANYONE want to live with a thief though? She feels that nobody wants her because she knows damn well she's making herself hard to want!

I know it's hard with stepkids when you are waiting for the authority from their father, but it doesn't sound like it's ever going to come. She's not going to be happy until you're gone and she intends to make your life hell to ensure you go.

OP you said he plays games with her and watches movies with her and they are cooking together..you said thet sit together and ignore you when you walk in..

Only to that the simple action is to STOP until she apologizes.

Right..you moved in with DH but you are a working adult paying the bills..what does HE say to her to statements like that??? As a minimum he should spell it out to her that you have as much right if not more as you pay the bills!!! And HE should enforce an apology...if he is letting her treat you like that she will...

He is the only one that can fix this for you. She might hate you in secret but she should be showing minimum of respect-which is stay bloody hell away from your stuff!

Oh..and he shpuld tell her that he chose you as his wife therefore what's his is yours. She had to accept it. It's not optional.

Dh has made it clear to her that I have every right to be in the house, he's told on her on several occasions that I am his wife and I am to be treated with respect. He has backed me 100% in many situations which leads to her screaming at him "you should be on my side" he's come down hard on her, he's tried love bombing or whatever it's called, he's tried talking he's tried tough love. Nothing works she settles down for a few days then goes off like a rocket again when she feels like it.

My love, she won't be living there forever more. I know that is of little consolation, but there IS light at the end of the tunnel.

You have tried. You did the Hot choc thing and it's failed because she fundamentally has no respect for you/your H/your marriage/home/things. she has no respect for herself either for that matter.

I wonder if this is a dynamic where she is trying to edge you out and cling to/monopolise her dad to do so?

I think you need to have a real conversation with your H to this effect, as there is a real possibility that she wants you gone and as such may be his DD, but is no friend to your marriage. it happens with DMs and MILs all the time, and takes a huge effort from both members of the couple to resolve.

You and he need to sit down and look at ALL the options - even the unthinkable ones - so that you are 100% aware of everything open to you to resolve this.

Can I ask why your DH and her mother split in the first place?

Does she see you as the 'reason' why her parents aren't together any more?

It certainly sounds as if she resents you, or sees you as competition for attention from your DH (her father). The whole you should be on MY side comment to your DH kind of suggests that she sees you as the enemy.

You mentioned earlier about arranging some counselling for her - is this happening?

I'm sorry Susan but her parents are NOT following through no matter what you or they may think. It's been what, two weeks? since all this kicked off & dh has spent the weekend entertaining her! Ffs! And her dm has offered devices back for unloading the dishwasher!!!!! Hardly severe, behaviour examining punishment! If I'd spoken to adults like that when that age I'd have been grounded for a year!
Honesty you are being taken for a complete mug.
Previous posters are correct - she's establishing herself as 'the wife' & I just cannot believe how much of a doormat your dh is being in all of this.
I ageee with @AnneLovesGilbert - I would move out. If your dh would rather live with an entitled brat (& that's how she is being let behave) than his WIFE then I'd let him. Go back to dating him - you'll have a hell of a lot more fun.
I can almost guarantee you that she will get worse as she gets older & even if she moves out for uni or whatever, she'll still be acting like daddy's little princess. God help any man she ends up with.
She is waaaay to old to be getting away with this behaviour & a counselling session is not going to help - she'll most likely lie to the counsellor the way she did to you when having hot chocolate.

It sounds to me like she needs an intensive course of therapy which will take time & you sound like you don't have time; as in you sound like you're (very justifiably) at the end of your tether.

Susan, your DH is not stepping up at all !
His daughter is freezing you out and wants you gone. This will only get worse and your DH is enabling it.

Does he realise you might leave him ? Time for a very serious chat with him.

I'm glad I took her out and I tried, she doesn't see herself as my equal she sees herself as above me. Tells me because I moved in with Dh she has far more right to be in the house than I.

Again just to read your words back to you. If you read your posts again it might really help to get things in perspective. Note down salient points. This is one, she is fighting with you, jostling, she sounds like she feels quite empowered with her Dad, and I’ve no idea what her relationship with her Mum is.

She’s got way too much power here. Way too intense.

How the hell did she end up shouting at you both when she’d just stolen your things, again?!

How was her. Mum back to negotiating with her?

I do think she needs really clear lines of what is ok or not. If she kicks back, screams at you for telling her off for something obviously wrong like stealing, well that’s a good sign. Of course she’s going to kick back. Just be calm but firm. Repeat, repeat matter of factly shouting isn’t on. Ignore her. Let her slam doors. What’s she going to do? She’s not really got the power, only if you and DH let her. She needs to live with you both. She can’t enjoy the extremes.

Calm it down. No hot chocolates. No special tv time with DH while she’s stealing from you. United front of standards. Carry on with normal, even if she does not. And pull rank on her, she’s still a child. It’s not healthy for her to be competing with you. Don’t sit back and wait for DH.