I'm annoyed, really annoyed!

[LazySusan11]

Dh and I were at an event last night with friends, dsd was staying with a friend..we have her this weekend sat-tues. last night she called at 8pm and asked what time we’d be home, dh told her we would be late and she didn’t want to know anymore. Given she was staying with a friend and it wasn’t officially our night we thought no more of it.

Got home in the early hours (event was an hrs drive away) and we couldn’t work out if we’d been burgled or had a ghost! It was very apparent that dsd had come to ours that evening let herself in with her friends and had quite the party.

Bowls and glasses left out, her bag, overnight bag, socks etc in a trail from downstairs to upstairs, mess everywhere. A bloodied sanitary towel thrown in the bathroom bin not wrapped or put in anything and clothes in our bedroom had been moved, my makeup had been used and left elsewhere.

This morning I went to collect the cigarettes my friend had left at ours before we left for the event and had forgotten to pick them up to drop them off on my way out, only to find they had gone. A full unopened pack.

Dh spoke to dsd on the phone who expressed she felt it was her right to spend a few hours at ours without us being there and apparently her and 3 others were in our bedroom lying on our bed, 2 of the girls went through my drawers whilst other 2 tried on my lipsticks etc.

I am really bloody unhappy about this, of course she is entitled to come to us whenever she likes when we are there, however she specifically checked that we wouldn’t be at home.

I feel as though my personal space has been hugely violated. How dare they go through my belongings and use my make up. She knows who stole the cigarettes too.

Dh is shocked that frankly she could behave this way and also annoyed as I am.

Dsd is 14, not an adult!

[Scruffette]

I have a 15 year old daughter. I would be really cross if she was supposed to be at a friends while we were out and then sneaked back and had a party. That is not okay OP. I don't mind her coming into my bedroom when I am there but I would hate her friends to come into it.

[Lottie509]

Wow, Sounds a nightmare, I would put a lock on my bedroom door personally, I would hate the thought of people going through my stuff.

[Melony6]

I would certainly let the parents of the friend know what exactly they have done and how annoyed I am.
They might feel it is nothing to do with them but it means in future you must check with the parents to ensure that the DCs are doing what they say they are doing and the parents will understand why you are being so particular. They must have lied to all these other parents which the parents would do well to know.

[RockyBayEve]

No key to the current locks for the foreseeable if that happened in my household.

No nice stuff, pressies etc either until she was actually truly really sorry.

[AlternativeTentacle]

he let her go to the party after that? crickey, what a pushover.

[DarthMaiden]

Where did the parents of the friend think they’d all gone?

You’d think there would be some alarm bells if 3 teens suddenly disappeared from the house.

My guess is that they probably lied to them too - saying where they were going but omitting that they didn’t have permission and that you weren’t home. I’d be getting in touch with them to tell them what happened.

I’m struggling to understand why she’s been allowed to the party tonight tbh. DH and I would have knocked that right on the head.

Her mum also needs to know about this as it’s feasible she’d do the same thing in her mum’s house if she wasn’t there.

[LazySusan11]

Dh is of the opinion she should have a chance to ‘do the right thing’ ie come home at her usual curfew tonight, but if she doesn’t which we both suspect she won’t there will be added consequences. Personally I don’t agree but I’m not willing to get into a dispute about it when ultimately he is the parent and these are his choices. If she were mine she would not be going anywhere for some time.

[Lottie509]

So he hasn't told her mum and she's gone to a party tonight, sounds like his daughter is walking all over you both.

[LazySusan11]

Dsd mum went away this morning for the weekend, no point in bothering her whilst she’s trying to enjoy a bit of well earned peace with her oh.

[Justbookedasummmerholiday]

I would be suggesting to dh that the replacement items come out of her allowance at the very least.

[Loungingbutnotforlong]

Yikes- I don’t have teens yet, but I have previously cancelled party attendance for naughty behaviour of a 5 year old. Where are the consequences OP- no point your DH being annoyed if he is failing to parent. Seeing if she comes home at curfew is pointless - maybe his DD is crying out for some firm boundaries- for a sign that she has crossed a line and you will bring her back over it.

[Slightlyperturbedowlagain]

Hm we did have similar issues, fortunately she also did the same at her mum's too on a much more spectacular scale so that helped get it sorted. Essentially she was told that until she could be trusted her movements would be checked (e.g. Phoning friends' parents to check she had been invited there and wasn't going off out). We also decided the time was right to purchase an oak sideboard with lockable doors for our drink and I had a lockable medicine cabinet for make up etc. Not easy though and ultimately what fixed it was having our eldest DS as then we were at home most of the time!

[becotide]

You have a disney dad issue, I think.

At 14, she should not get to make that call, whether or not to stay at a party. If my teens pulled this shit I would show up and drag them out by the scruff of their necks. It's just fucking naughty.

[Magda72]

OP - your problem is staring you in the face! Your OH has just let her know there are no consequences by letting her off to a party!
Wtactualf????? Seriously????
She lies to both parents as to her whereabouts, stays home alone with other kids who has obv also lied to their parents, she messes the house, invades your private space & goes through your belongings with strangers & is still let go to a party!!!!
No wonder her behaviour is so bad & she's being so disrespectful - she's being taught that it's ok!!!
This is not a sc issue it's a spoilt, entitled child issue.
You would all need to take action now or you will be walked on for years.

[LazySusan11]

Yes Magda I agree, I have said this to him. He says he intends to give her heavy consequences tomorrow. I’m so weary of staying the obvious to my Dh who is actually very lovely but rubbish at discipline. I feel my hands are tied however I won’t be allowing any of those friends into our house again we have made it crystal clear about rules and respect. Falls on deaf ears. She feels entitled and that’s because she has no discipline.

What do I do here, I’ve spoken to Dh repeatedly.

[swingofthings]

This is not a step parenting issue I would have been utterly furious if it was my kids. I hope your DH is going to do something about it because she certainly deserved to be punished.

[BananaSandwichesEveryDay]

As much as it is her home too and she is welcome, I'm afraid she has shown she is not mature or responsible enough to be allowed a key to get in if you are not there. So, I would change the locks and not give her a key unti she's shown she is trustworthy. Why should op have to have a lock on her bedroom door? And no, absolutely she would not have been attending any party tonight. As far as she's now concerned she's got away with appalling behaviour last night - behaviour which if it were anyone else would probably have had the police involved.

[Slightlyperturbedowlagain]

Yes I agree about the party too. DH once had to take annual leave especially to ground DSD once after a particularly horrible episode of teenage behaviour. Luckily his boss thought it was hilarious and granted it at short notice. DSD was hard work for a few years but honestly it did pay off in the end. She is awesome now as an adult

[WhoWants2Know]

To me, it seems like using your makeup and allowing friends to do so is a direct dig at you.

If my husband allowed his child to disrespect me so openly, I would be inclined to question my relationship with him.

[LazySusan11]

I’ve spoken to Dh and reiterated some of the points made here. He’s just gone to fetch her from the party and says he intends on taking her house keys from her, her smart phone and iPad, no friends over and no after school activities until he’s assured she gets the point. We shall see, I’ve come to bed because I don’t want to a part of the screaming and shouting she will administer when she arrives home.

[Berthatydfil]

I agree with other posters.
The fact she is a step child is irrelevant.
I have older teens and they respect their siblings and mine and their dds rooms and property, ask to borrow things etc. They are afforded that mutual courtesy and respect by their sibling/myself.

She has shown she is not responsible or trustworthy enough to be allowed to stay at home on her own.

So the key must go, she’s not allowed to stay at home on her own and if you go out when she’s here she gets a baby sitter. She replaces your and your friends property. She isn’t allowed in your bedroom at all from now on. The other girls are banned from your hone and I also think you should tell their parents.

[DukesofHazzard]

Dukes, would you do the same if it were your own daughter?

From OP: she’s already told me as I am not her parent I cannot tell her what to do. I will leave this to Dh

Totally different scenario, if it were my own daughter it could be dealt with differently, I would be able to discipline DD...OP can't deal with this....hence put a lock on the door.

You really had to ask?

[steppemum]

ds is 14, nearly 15.

we only leave him at home alone when we know he is there, we have specific times that we will be back, and it is on the condition that he has no friends round while we are out.

Not over night yet (although he would be fine, we haven't done it yet)

Next weekend he will be home alone on Sunday all day, but we will also alert our friend who lives round the corner, in case of emergency.

As basic house respect my kids are not allowed to take anything not theirs out of anyone's room, and thye know I would go mad if they went through my stuff.

So, while there are obviously issues here around it being your step daughter, these are not acceptable with your own dc, and you would not be unreasonablel to kick up a massive stink.

[MsJolly]

Hope the fireworks aren't going off!
She seriously needs some consistency and discipline

[DarthMaiden]

Hope it goes ok tonight and that your DH makes it clear how unacceptable her behaviour was.