Selfish?

[freerunner75]

Hi.. Please kick me up the behind if needs be. My head is foggy and I'm not sure if I'm thinking clearly or not. I have two children of my own 16 and 14 and am step mum to two children aged 15 and13 .. I have been with their dad for nine years... Unfortunately I don't have a hugely close relationship with either of them for various reasons but not for want of trying (mostly negativity from their mother towards me)... My issue is that I'm not currently in a position to pay to take my two abroad on holiday as I have just gone self employed.. My stepchildren are off abroad tomorrow with their mum. Because my partner won't go on holiday without his two as 1. They are already going away and 2. The cost for six of us.. He said he won't take us abroad either (Us being me and my two). On one hand I can't blame him
As I have to rely on him at the mo to pay for me and mine, but on the other I'm seething because his two are going abroad and getting a nice holiday.. (And again at Christmas) and yet my two are missing out. Am I being really unreasonable being upset about this??
Feel free to kick my butt if so.

What does he think will Happen to your children whilst you are away? It's all very well having these ideas but if they aren't spending time with their dad there is nothing you can do. I have sympathy there.

Maybe focus on the next time you do have your sc. Suggest half term (oct) to your dp for a holiday. If the mum says no instead of being negative ask when they are available (Easter) and book then. Or next summer. And book something together.

why do you want to be with someone who treats you and your dc like this?

He really doesn't give a shit about your dc does he?

I hope re-evaluate your situation means re-evaluate your relationship. You and your DC deserve more than this.

Good luck

My oh has just suggested me and him go away for a couple of weeks on our own ... 🙄... Am fuming.. I'm not going anywhere without my children.
But it's ok for them to so which is exactly what you said you wanted him to do at the start of this thread!

There may be more to it, but really think that it is all about jealousy and the fact that you can't get over the fact that his kids get something that your kids don't. You are probably more upset about it then they are but if they are truly upset, how about your OH having a talk to them and telling them not to mention it unless your kids ask them questions.

He really doesn't give a shit about your dc does he?
It sounds like he gives a s** about his own children. Good on him!

Swingofthings.. So you think the suggestion of him and I going away together without any of the children is an acceptable compromise?? And how do you think my two would feel about that exactly?? Missing out totally whilst the rest of us have had lovely holidays?! Is that really fair or is that extremely selfish on his part?

Of course he gives a s** about his own children... I have not once said he didn't.., we both love them dearly contrary to the way you seem to view my comments. Just because I am not 'close' to them doesn't mean I don't care.. I have been their step mum for over half their lives.

You have your opinion which is what this forum is all about.. But with all due respect I think you have misread what I have been saying. I'm not a bad person, I do not hate my sc, I do not resent them having a lovely holiday with their mum. I'm just upset for my kids as I feel they deserve more.. .. Which I am going to put right.

Thanks for your comments.

Reading what you have written in more detail, For what its worth I don't think you are wrong, I don't think your other half is supporting you very well and I think HE is the one who sees you very much as separate. You sound like you more than contribute in terms of finances since he earns alot more than you yet you still pay more than your fair share and have none left over like him, He doesn't sound like he is supporting you very well through your illness and not doing what once was agreed when the situation is completely out of your hands.
I feel for you, Putting myself in your shoes I would consider walking away.

Thank you mama234... This whole thread has certainly made me realise a few things and I will definitely be giving some thought to our position over the next few weeks. Xx

Yes you are. He doesn't seem to be in the position to pay for all of you to go. He can't go with your children but not his, that be terrible if him. He can't ban their mother from taking them either. What do you really expect him to do?

I didn't say anything about him banning their mother from taking his children?! That's ridiculous. I honestly think some people don't read threads properly.

He is in a position to pay, i would love for all of us to go together however this has been made nigh on impossible by third parties. So yes, essentially I am asking if it is selfish of me to want for my children to have a holiday with their step dad and me as my sc can't come with us... CANT being the operative word... I'm not banning them, I'm not trying to wangle a holiday without them... I am just wanting some time away with my two with my partner... Ideally with my sc as well... But that option is constantly removed.

But it's ok for them to so which is exactly what you said you wanted him to do at the start of this thread!

I can understand why the op doesn't want to go away with her dp just the two of them. It would mean everyone gets a holiday but her kids. If her kids had already had a holiday then maybe she would be more willing to go on an adults only holiday with her dp. It's no wonder he's ok with the idea, because his kids have had a holiday so he's no reason to feel guilty.

You can't let his ex dictate your lives, If she makes it impossible to take the kids away then that's her choice, Your children shouldn't have to miss out that's ridiculous.
The fact he sees that ok is wrong.

Referring back to my previous post I think you could do so much better partner wise.

Hi OP I am in a similar situation myself. Me and DH have 2 DC, and he has 2 DC. We have not been on holiday since having our children over 4 years now. And I was really hoping to book a little getaway April-june some time next year for me DH and our 2 DC. My DH has initially agreed to this we have issue that his DC are at school and obviously holidays cannot be authorised. We can't afford for 6 in school hols (totally understand why people go in term time) and after next year we will be stuck to school hols our self so it will be looking at holiday every other year. SC go away every year with their mum, at least once abroad, and at least one break in UK at some point. I'm the same I'd love a holiday, and dont see why we should miss out because of SC.

^I'm just upset for my kids as I feel they deserve more.. .. Which I am going to put right. *
Good, that's what we suggested from the start but somehow, you seem to have made no progress towards taking your kids alone. You seem to have totally put aside the fact that if you can't afford to take them all jointly, it is because of the choice you've made to change your career.

Your OH is supporting you and your children financially already, however, you are resenting him because he is not prepared to also finance luxuries for them.

I do agree with you that his suggestion of taking you away is not resolving your issue, which is that you want your children to go on holiday, more than yourself. However, his perspective is clear, he will not take your children away without his and that clearly is none negotiable.

Stop brewing and resenting your OH for not giving your kids what his kids get to have when they are with their mum. Work hard on your business, start saving, and either contribute towards a trip either jointly all together, or you taking your kids alone, which is likely to be what they would like best anyway.

I am wondering if we have read the same thread swing

The OP did not 'choose' to change her career, she did so as a result of ill-health and having discussed it with her DP who said he would support her, if I understand her correctly.

Despite this, he has not supported her and she still pays half the household costs. Part of the problem is that, despite setting up a new business on the understanding of support, the OP is contributing equally to costs, whilst her DP is saving money. I am sure she said she had £11 left over after doing this and he has thousands in the bank. Forget holidays, this is not an equal partnership. This is a man who is gaining from the OP contributing to half the living costs he would presumably half to pay himself were he living in the same way himself (whether he would live that way or not is another matter, ditto OP). He is not supporting her financially already, he is keeping his money to himself.

At the same time, in the whole of their relationship, the DP has not sorted out his contact legally.

I don't see what is hard to understand here, but to be fair, freerunner herself is focusing on the holiday.

Mama234 is right, freerunner you could do much better partner wise and indeed on your own too.

Totally agree with everything you have said Summerflower.

Thank you mama and summer flower 😘. X

Identity, I wish you luck in your situation too... It is so hard to juggle to make sure that everyone is happy and no one gets left out in a blended family X

Once again, thanks for all your comments.

I'm sorry but there are more people in a family to consider than just his SC's! Do they trump everyone? Really? It's obviously crap that they aren't able to go, but your children miss out because of that . It's not your children's fault.

I too have been in a similar situation & my DH's suggestion was to go away just us two, so the only person not getting a holiday would be my DD. A cold day in hell would have to happen before I agreed to that!.

Your DH has been in agreement with your now new job role, it is unfair he is now using that against you.

Oh well at least he can console himself his children are having a holiday .