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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Selfish?

143 replies

freerunner75 · 14/08/2017 18:33

Hi.. Please kick me up the behind if needs be. My head is foggy and I'm not sure if I'm thinking clearly or not. I have two children of my own 16 and 14 and am step mum to two children aged 15 and13 .. I have been with their dad for nine years... Unfortunately I don't have a hugely close relationship with either of them for various reasons but not for want of trying (mostly negativity from their mother towards me)... My issue is that I'm not currently in a position to pay to take my two abroad on holiday as I have just gone self employed.. My stepchildren are off abroad tomorrow with their mum. Because my partner won't go on holiday without his two as 1. They are already going away and 2. The cost for six of us.. He said he won't take us abroad either (Us being me and my two). On one hand I can't blame him
As I have to rely on him at the mo to pay for me and mine, but on the other I'm seething because his two are going abroad and getting a nice holiday.. (And again at Christmas) and yet my two are missing out. Am I being really unreasonable being upset about this??
Feel free to kick my butt if so.

OP posts:

sweetbitter · 15/08/2017 09:17

Could you compromise and take your two away somewhere on a relatively cheap deal, without your DH? Even in UK?

Original poster

freerunner75 · 15/08/2017 09:19

Sweet bitter, yes I think that is going to be the option although my oh not happy about us going away without him. I guess he is caught in the middle too but he does have the means to change that and chooses not to. So I will put something away when I can and take my two somewhere.. Thank you all again for your comments X

OP posts:

SummerflowerXx · 15/08/2017 09:29

Sorry, I got stuck at the fact he earns much more than you, but you contribute equally to the household. Did I understand that right? If you are a couple and family, and he said he would support you to get established in your job self-employed, should the household costs not be balanced proportionately?

stitchglitched · 15/08/2017 09:35

'My oh not happy about us going away without him'

Well he can't have it both ways. I supported him not wanting to go away without his kids but he has no right to stop you taking your kids away alone. Who is he to say I don't want to go away so none of us can?

Bibidy · 15/08/2017 09:37

OP I understand how you feel, it must be hard to see your kids go without when your DPs kids get nice holidays. My situation is similar as my stepkids will always have far more on their mum's side of things than ours, purely because OH will never have the money.

The only thing you can do is try to remember that their mum's house is a completely different household and family, so you should try not to compare too much. It's almost the same as worrying that children in your kids' class are getting holidays when yours aren't, just a bit closer to home.

I agree with PP, try and put something aside for yourself and your kids to have a nice time away :) xx

SummerflowerXx · 15/08/2017 09:40

Now I have read the rest of the thread.

Your DP could easily seek legal help to get clear dates sorted with his DC so you could plan.

Your DP could also establish a more equitable situation in your household financially.

These two things would go some way to resolving the issue.

The extra money he earns over and above yours once his half of the bills are paid - does this go to maintenance or does it go into a savings account? If the latter, does this only have his name on it.

The problem seems to be that he is controlling a larger chunk of household income and essentially withholding that from you, so you do not have enough money to take your DC on holiday, regardless of who comes too.

I am a single parent, and it is totally different from being with someone in a blended family who salts the money away for themselves. When you are single, you know who and what you are responsible for. You are not in an established household where partners are expected to support each other. I had financial abuse in my marriage (blended family) and I would choose single parent any day of the week.

Original poster

freerunner75 · 15/08/2017 09:41

I feel they should be balanced more proportionately too summer flower, however I did once suggest this and was basically made to feel like a gold digger.. So I shut up. ( whole different story lol)

Stitchglitched... I agree. X

Bibdidy thank you.., it does all make sense and yes I will work towards putting something away for me and my two xx

OP posts:

JuicyStrawberry · 15/08/2017 09:54

He can't have it both ways.
Go on holiday with your kids op! He can't stop you.

Original poster

freerunner75 · 15/08/2017 10:15

Summer flower, yes your description of the financial situation is basically correct. It all goes into his bank account. We both pay equally into a bills account to the house and then what's his after that is his.. I don't have much left but what I do have goes towards my two as I don't get regular maintenance from my ex husband.

It is a massive issue the way things are set up.. But as I said, when I try to discuss it I'm made to feel like I am 'out to rinse him'... His words. I currently have £11 in my account until my clients next pay me..:he has thousands. I don't want to live off him, I am too proud and enjoy working and earning money, but it just feels so frustrating when I am busting a gut just to get by and feel like he could make life a little easier and do things like contribute to a family holiday (or even loan me the money so we can all go away).

OP posts:

MissBabbs · 15/08/2017 10:23

I think you need to assess your future OP.

Bibidy · 15/08/2017 10:30

Wow freerunner

Even if he doesn't want to 'give' you money to make up for the shortfall, he could at the very least pay a bigger percentage of the household costs in order to leave you a bit more for yourself!

Bosabosa · 15/08/2017 10:52

I am with MissBabbs.

For what it's worth, my DH fought very hard for holiday time with his kids -it wasn't ok for him not to have holidays with his kids. The fact your OH isn't fighting for that is telling as to the kind of man he is.

The fact you have £11 in your account and he has thousands... words fail me.

This is not OK

SummerflowerXx · 15/08/2017 10:56

I also think you need to re-assess your future. His household expenses are halved due to your paid labour, even though you earn different amounts. What about unpaid labour, is that evenly split?

Even if it is, you essentially have a man who has thousands in the bank but is not willing to see you and your DC have a holiday, much less help you to do so. Plus, you have been ill and he said he would support you. When you try to discuss this, he accuses you of being a gold-digger

There is not anything redeeming in that behaviour.

swingofthings · 15/08/2017 10:59

if they are unable to come with us why should we not be able to go?!
But you could turn it around, if you are unable to pay towards your children, why should HE not take his kids on holiday with him? Yet he isn't doing that.

I just cannot get my head around why you (and other posters) think he is being unfair, when I feel that it is you who is being unfair. If you didn't go self-employed, you would have been able to go on holiday all 4 of you, but that was your choice, and yet you still feel that it isn't fair that you should have to make cuts because of that personal choice, that really only benefit you in the short term. What you seem to want is him contributing towards your kids and excluding his because he can't pay for all. How is this fair on him when I would think he would rather spend time with his own kids if given the choice?

Once again, isn't that exactly the same than if he lost his job and had to take a low payed one, and therefore relied on you to pay for the family holidays, but couldn't afford for all, but he demanded that you pay for his kids to go only because you've already paid for your two to go on their school trips abroad?

Would you really be happy with that and tell your kids that this is fair? Because I can't see how this scenario is any different.

Original poster

freerunner75 · 15/08/2017 11:09

Swingofthings.. Whilst I respect your opinion I really think you are missing a major point. We are unable to take his children away... I am not making that decision and saying I want to go without them and leave them out. I'm saying that as we don't have the choice in taking them... Why does that mean we can't just go the four of us since they are away having a holiday already?! As for me going self employed..... A holiday had already been discussed at this point and my partner is fully aware of my financial situation. It's just that now the goal posts have been changed by his ex and himself in essence...,I'm frustrated as I can't 'put my money where my mouth is' right now.

You make me sound like a totally ungrateful and disrespectful step parent which I certainly am not. I have and do bend over backwards for my step children and try to include them in everything. It's like banging my head against a brick wall with all the hurdles put in front of me and my kids and I end up dipping out. So I think I have every right to feel a little bit put out if I'm
Honest?!

OP posts:

stitchglitched · 15/08/2017 11:23

Why do you stay in a situation where you feel your children are missing out on stuff and that your fonancial arrangements are unfair? Having a partner is supposed to enhance your life. Regardless of anyone's views on the holiday situation, if I felt that my relationship was negatively impacting on my children I wouldn't be sticking around.

stitchglitched · 15/08/2017 11:24

*financial

Bibidy · 15/08/2017 11:34

I don't understand the criticism of OP here for wanting this holiday.

Finances aside - DP's kids can't go on holiday with them, why does that mean everyone else can't go?

If (theoretically) their mum decided to take them away for the whole 6 week holiday, does that mean OP & family still can't go away, since DP's kids are unavailable?

OP does your OH ever have his kids for a whole week during the holidays? Summer, half term, Christmas, any of them? If so, I'd suggest to DP booking a holiday for that week, even if it's October half term.

Original poster

freerunner75 · 15/08/2017 11:35

I think some of the feedback today has given me something to think about to be honest.. It's not easy sometimes to see that things aren't right.. xx

OP posts:

Original poster

freerunner75 · 15/08/2017 11:42

Bibidy... No we never have them for a full week. They usually have stuff booked in that they can't miss... we took them to Florida three years ago for three weeks and that was a task. us booking a holiday is dependant on several factors... Originally I was restricted on taking holiday at certain times with my job which had to be booked in advance... Which was a total gamble given that the dates we are allowed them changes... Now I have eliminated that hurdle, it's the financial side of taking them abroad, along with the dates and timing issues. We have all been camping together for long weekends etc.. But it would just be lovely to actually go abroad again. Sorry to harp on. I know a lot of families don't get that luxury either... I'm just frustrated at the circumstances and the fact that my sc get a nice holiday and yet mine don't... Yes it's jealousy for my kids. I work blooming hard and my partner isn't short of a penny... So it shouldn't be such an issue to take them all away... But it is, it's made damn impossible and so we miss out altogether. Christ... And now I sound like a complete spoilt brat! 😩🙄

OP posts:

SummerflowerXx · 15/08/2017 11:45

Why is wanting to go on holiday with your DC and have a fair financial situation with your DP spoilt?

Original poster

freerunner75 · 15/08/2017 12:00

Summer flower..,i don't think it is.. I think it's just the way I have tried to explain my circumstances and how I feel makes me sound like a spoilt brat xx

OP posts:

JuicyStrawberry · 15/08/2017 12:01

If (theoretically) their mum decided to take them away for the whole 6 week holiday, does that mean OP & family still can't go away, since DP's kids are unavailable?

Or if it was a shorter school break such as the May half term. If one parent has got in there first and booked a holiday, and the other parent can only book a holiday for that week then should they just leave the holiday altogether because some of the children in the family are already going away? Seem a bit unfair to be honest.

Original poster

freerunner75 · 15/08/2017 12:06

And that is exactly how it happens juicy strawberry.

OP posts:

JuicyStrawberry · 15/08/2017 12:10

Well in that case I can see why you're frustrated with it. I would save up and take them away myself if I was you.

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