Selfish?

[freerunner75]

Hi.. Please kick me up the behind if needs be. My head is foggy and I'm not sure if I'm thinking clearly or not. I have two children of my own 16 and 14 and am step mum to two children aged 15 and13 .. I have been with their dad for nine years... Unfortunately I don't have a hugely close relationship with either of them for various reasons but not for want of trying (mostly negativity from their mother towards me)... My issue is that I'm not currently in a position to pay to take my two abroad on holiday as I have just gone self employed.. My stepchildren are off abroad tomorrow with their mum. Because my partner won't go on holiday without his two as 1. They are already going away and 2. The cost for six of us.. He said he won't take us abroad either (Us being me and my two). On one hand I can't blame him
As I have to rely on him at the mo to pay for me and mine, but on the other I'm seething because his two are going abroad and getting a nice holiday.. (And again at Christmas) and yet my two are missing out. Am I being really unreasonable being upset about this??
Feel free to kick my butt if so.

Having a partner with a difficult ex who is also the mother of his/her children is one of the most difficult things anyone can go through - it puts all other relationship dynamics in the shade. The reason being you end up in a situation whereby YOUR life is being controlled by a secondary relationship (& by that I mean secondary to you; the relationship only exists because of a third party). Most other relationships in our lives are primary ones & as such we have some control over them. If your ex is being as ass - you deal with it; that's YOUR ex. If your mum is driving you nuts you deal with it; that's YOUR mum.
In a difficult blended situation you end up with NO control; you're not supposed to, nor are you allowed to say anything that will harm the 'first family'. If you are lucky enough to have a Dp on the same page as you you're half way there & if you're lucky enough to have a Dp with a sane, happy ex you're just about fully there - but otherwise it is an unbelievably stressful situation & one which often doesn't fully present itself until the ex in question realises the relationship is serious.

Magda72... Exactly... And therein lies another story in itself. You would think after nine years she would realise it might be serious and back off or at last release her grip a tad... But no. Still making life difficult.. But apparently just for me and my kids.

You make me sound like a totally ungrateful and disrespectful step parent which I certainly am not.
I really am not thinking that at all. What I think is that you are desperate to go on holiday with your kids and your partner and this is making you see things from your perspective and not that of your OH. I can understand it totally as I would feel frustrated too if I couldn't take my kids on holiday, but I wouldn't blame my partner.

We are unable to take his children away...
To be fair, your first post only mentions you not being able to take them away because of financial restriction, you then added that you can't because of their mum deciding when she was taken them away in further posts. These are two different issues. Are you saying that if their mum had not imposed the weeks when she was taking hers away, you would have been able to afford to take everyone away? Was this an issue the previous years too?

I think I was the first one to suggest you taking your children away without your OH which I think would be a reasonable compromise. You also haven't responded to how you would feel if your OH said your kids couldn't come with you if they were also going on school trip that year. Wouldn't you feel that he was being unfair?

If you read your first post, you mention is how you are not too close to your SC and how you are seething that they get to go on a nice holiday and yours are missing out. Yes it is totally understandable that you are upset but not it is not right that your OH should exclude his children from a holiday because of it. And no, I'm not kicking your butt :)

Hi Swingofthings... I am desperate to take my children away yes, i was led to believe we would all go away together (*all six) but the goal posts kept changing and now my sc are going and mine aren't. I think my partner is being unfair... i think that just because we can't take his two.. it shouldn't change things as far as the rest of us are concerned so for that i blame him although i do understand how he feels not being able to go abroad with his two. The main issue was financial restriction yes i'm sure you can imagine for six of us its the same as a small mortgage although he could have afforded it, .... but also the timing issue.. if we had set dates, we could have looked in advance - but we don't get this its all wishy washy and if we simply went ahead and booked something - i guarantee all hell would break loose and we would most likely end up losing our money for their places so we have to wait for instruction!

If my OH said my kids couldn't come because they have had holidays already... I would be fuming because that is out of order!! However i would support him taking his off on his own if that is what he wanted to do but i certainly wouldn't leave mine behind. The difference here is that mine don't have a father to provide back up holidays and they don't tell me about school trips because its a struggle for me to afford them for them which breaks my heart too. Also, i haven't and wouldn't dream of telling my partner that is kids couldn't come on our holiday because they have got two booked in this year.... that's not at all what i am saying -if they were able to come away this wouldn't be such a huge issue.

I adore my sc but they have issues with me which stems from negative comments fed to them.... so no in that respect we are not that close, it doesn't change how i treat them though and certainly doesn't mean i would wish to leave them out and favour mine.

No one is trying to exclude his children at all... i am not asking that of him. That would be cruel. I am upset because he could have taken all of us if we could have agreed a date, but he didn't want to spend that much and because he knew his kids were going away i guess he has saved his money.... but that now means that my two won't get a holiday as he now says he won't go without his two - which won't happen now.

Crumbs.. i am getting all confused now.

You are getting confused because you are tying yourself in knots to somehow blame the SDC mum for your partner being a tightwad who will neither spend the money to get a legal solution to the contact issue or to pay for you to go on holiday.

There is nothing here that could not be sorted by your DP getting a contact agreement sorted legally and being more generous with his money.

But somehow after nine years, it is the SDC's mum's fault

I think you are right to start saving some money yourself. But you need to go back to the drawing board about joint finances too.

so the only holidays he chooses to go on are the ones that tick all his boxes?

have you ever had a holiday without his kids?

if his kids weren't getting any holidays this year then it would be a reasonable idea......but they are - twice!

i think your OH is just looking for any excuse to not go/fork out mnoneywise....
you don't fall into his box for 'family'
You're the 'gf and her kids'

Summer flower.. Without going into more detail.. She does cause a lot of issues so I am right to lay some blame with her.. He is terrified of upsetting her as she causes momentus upsets with his dc and he is scared he won't be allowed to see them...lets just say there are a lot of mind games being played. 😔

Yes heebiejeeies... We have reluctantly.. Due to similar circumstances as this year.. But twice only.. The rest of the time we have cobbled together some camping trips when we have them to try and make up for it... But they hate camping so it's tricky!

We fall into his box when it suits... But definitely not when money or decisions are concerned.

I am on the saving wagon as soon as my clients start paying their bills on time! Xx

I think your emotions are confusing you. You started this thread by saying that you were upset that your OH wasn't prepared to go on holiday with you and your children without his children, but now it's about him not being prepared to take everybody because although he could afford to, he doesn't want to.

There are a lot going on in the dynamics of your family. Your ex who can't take your kids on holiday -which is not the fault of your dsc-, you who can't afford to take them - because you changed jobs, which is not their fault -, and the issue with the timing.

Your DH could resent you for not being able to go on holiday with his kids because you've changed jobs, and so could your sc for missing out on a holiday with their dad.

I think the real issue is that everyone has to accept that this year will mean compromises and they will all accept it, including your kids, because they love you and want the best for you, which is to find happiness in your new enterprise. Your kids are still young enough to go on a holiday abroad as a family, it's not too late and they already enjoyed a holiday nice holiday 3 years ago. How about starting to plan next year instead and start to put money aside?

The timing of your dcs going today and the envy that came with it is probably what triggered it all. Don't be jealous for your children. My kids step-siblings had to deal with the same, hearing about them going on very fancy holidays with me, but they have never resented them for it at all (and my kids would never brag about it). Instead, the eldest has started to work and saved her money so she could afford to go away with her friends. My kids might have had nicer holidays, but they don't have ipads or the latest mobiles (unlike their SS). Some of their friends do but they are not envious. My DD has also started working week-ends and is saving every penny for her holiday with her friends next summer. She's very excited at the prospect.

Very different upbringing, but they all get along great and there is no jealousy between them.

I think you should be upset at your ex, not your current DP. If it was the other way round and you had an involved exp who was taking your kids away, and DP had the useless ex, would you really be happy going off on holiday with just your DSCs? On the basis that your kids got a holiday with their dad and therefore this made things fair?

I think when there is such a disparity between the other sides of the family, the idea of fair is different than equal. His children's holiday is not taking anything from yours, just reflecting back something your kids don't have. That is sad but you are targeting the wrong people. Chase up your ex and his family and then things will become more equal, it's his contribution to their lives they are missing.

Thank you. Just to clarify... My children have not seen their father for six years. He was abusive. I have no desire to chase him up whatsoever.

My dh shouldn't I hope resent me as its not me not wanting to go on holiday with his children at all... It's the barriers that have been put in place that prevents this.

I just want what's best for my children too.. We are meant to be a family... We are not not going on holiday because of my change of jobs and I do not expect my oh to find my lifestyle or favour my children over his own.

I just feel a little resentful that there are choices which could have sorted this... Yet they have not been chosen and this makes me feel like a spare part and having to fight everything and struggle to pay my way all the time but yet having no money left for me or my kids at the end of the day. I respect my oh for supporting his kids and I wish we could take them away somewhere all of us... But that decision is not and never will be mine. So because we can't take his two... We can't take mine either.. Yet my sc still get two wonderful holidays away each year and are quite happy with that situation.

So, yes... I guess from all your comments I am being unreasonable which is what I wanted clarification on so thank you for all your comments and guidance.

I will take my children away on my own at some point since we can't all go together.

You still bring up your step children's circumstances which had no relevance to your situation. It's not their fault that their dm takes them abroad and your dcs father isn't in the picture. You still continue to chase for maintenance or find another job that will bring more money into the household.

There's plenty of money in the household though, it's just worked out and distributed very strangely

I'm not blaming my sc... Not for one second. They are just children.. How could I resent them? I'm sorry if it had come across that way..

My job will pay very well in a couple of months once I am established.. I just wanted (and was told) I would be supported during the transition.. Including paying for a holiday as he knew I wouldn't be able to stretch to that as our bills have to come first..

I accept that clearly I am being unreasonable.. I only want the best for my kids too.

Yes it does come across that way. Their holidays with their dm have to relevance to your dc going away.

And if it was the reverse - and the father was asking the SM to fork out for his kids/ her step kids then we know what the answer would be on here.

That his kids have a holiday with their mother is irrelevant. My Ex took his new DPs 3 children and himself to the Caribbean, after telling his 2 own DCS that he could not afford to take all 5 kids away - their turn would come. His new DP did not want somewhere cheap like Spain - they are still waiting 4 yrs later!

The mothers choice of holiday date meant OP and allDCs could not get a suitable date to go with DP. So it is relevant .
The Problem is the OP needs to be financially more independent or her DP needs to see his dsdcs as his too.

Freerunner the problem of the mind games and your DP being scared of causing upsets could be sorted by him going to a solicitor and getting a clear contact schedule sorted out. He is choosing not to do this, not his xW. His contact is his responsibility.

Just like he is choosing not to honour his agreement to support you whilst you set up your own business.

But hey, carry on believing it is all you and the xW and he can carry on saving his money.

How long has the choice of holiday dates been known - I give my EX 18 months notice of all leave - he still "manages" to book the same weeks as me every summer and easter.

I gave in once - never again!

I respect my oh for supporting his kids and I wish we could take them away somewhere all of us... But that decision is not and never will be mine. So because we can't take his two... We can't take mine either

It is totally understandable to be frustrated at this. But the solution isn't to leave your DSC out - it is to deal with the underlying reasons why you can't take your DSC. DP should be dealing with his ex properly and having dates agreed for next summer already - blithely blaming her and doing nothing about it is pathetic of him.

Yet my sc still get two wonderful holidays away each year and are quite happy with that situation

This is irrelevant. You can't control or compare what goes on in different households. It doesn't matter if your DSC are spoilt rotten by their mum - you still need to treat all the children in your household equally.

As a separate note, it is concerning that your household finances seem very unfair. I don't understand why your 'D'P is happy to see you properly skint while he has plenty of spare cash. That isn't how you treat someone you love. In addition, the fact that you can't talk to him about it without feeling belittled is a red flag. Is it possible that you feel pretty fed up with the whole situation and that all the frustration is focussed on the holiday?

Freerunner if you're about to increase your income in the next months then just start planning your next nice holiday either with your OH and his kids or with yours only. Surely it's a bit too late now for the summer holidays. As long as you can start planning your kids will be happy.

I do think their departure is what triggered your feelings. Think of your own circumstances and what you can do not what they are doing themselves.

PP that the equivalent is OP taking her dc away and leaving her dsc.

It is not.

The equivalent would be OPs exP taking her dc away separately without her.

But her exP is an abusive deadbeat.

Also life isn't fair.

Why isn't OP getting maintenance payments from her exP?

We fall into his box when it suits... But definitely not when money or decisions are concerned

Then he should not be living with you and you should not be sharing finances.
As a partner living in a blended family you would think that he would want to have a family holiday?
Even if he were to loan you your share of costs until you paid him back....

Do you actually want to be with someone who sleeps in your bed but doesn't view or treat you like family?

I wouldn't invest so much of myself in someone so self centred.
I certainly couldn't live with someone who treated me and my dc like we're 2nd class

Your right no two ways about it. My step kids wouldnt see my daughter without a holiday if they had been away just wouldnt happen. You need a break as a family living in the same house. Our whole family agree with this so all you neggies out there go jump

You need a break as a family living in the same house.
Some people will see it like this, many won't. I see it that you should spend holiday with the people you love, whether they live with you or not and that preventing a loved member to be party to it just because they got to go on a holiday with the other people who love them is still rejecting them.

Saying that, if your SC are fine with it, then that's no issue. My kids wouldn't resent their SS if that happened, but I do know they would still feel an element of rejection and that element would make them take an emotional step back (which my DS has already done for other reasons, but similar situation).

I'm not preventing my sc from coming... 'Other' parties make it pretty impossible for us to be able to take them. Plus they would be upset if we went without them.. That doesn't stop them making a massive deal of their holiday to my two when they get back tho. Slightly unfair I think.

My oh has just suggested me and him go away for a couple of weeks on our own ... 🙄... Am fuming.. I'm not going anywhere without my children.

Had a chat with some of my girlfriends yesterday about it and they agree with me.. However there is a lot more to this than I would post on here which I guess doesn't give the full picture.

Am going to re-evaluate my situation.

Thanks for all your comments Xx